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- natedouglas, on 11/30/2007, -3/+65Essays, heh. As an occasional college student, this is my advice.
Research: Look up all scholarly articles about your topic (say, Jane Eyre). Consult the dice in your desk drawer/Monopoly game/whatever. Choose either 6, 12, or 18 essays maximum, depending on the number of dice you have.
First paragraph: begin with a fact or image that is almost completely irrelevant but vaguely interesting (ie, not having anything to do with Literature). For instance, triangulation in an essay on Jane Eyre. Spend however much time you need to link that initial image to what your essay is actually about, culminating in the thesis statement.
Second paragraph: Back the ***** off. You're moving too quickly. Restate the insights you made in your first paragraph, but this time leave out all mention of the initial image (triangulation, the breeding habits of guppies, whatever). Go into more detail, using SparkNotes and Wikipedia, so that your second paragraph is roughly equal in length to your first paragraph.
Third paragraph: Slice the second paragraph into three pieces. The first of these pieces is the foundation of your third paragraph. Extend it, again using SparkNotes and Wikipedia, but keep it short. You will use your third paragraph as the foundation of your conclusion. Roll dice to pick a scholarly article to cite. Roll again for page, and flip a coin for the paragraph. Pick a long sentence from that paragraph, quote it, and somehow work it into your paragraph.
Fourth paragraph: Take the second slice of the second paragraph and extend it, using SparkNotes and Wikipedia. Mix in some of the initial image from your first paragraph. Pick another unrelated discipline, such as game theory, and describe how a Nash Equilibrium exists between Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester. This will distract from the fact that your third paragraph is a bit too short. Also make allusions to Marxism and Feminism; this is important and will receive the coveted "++! Insightful" mark. Roll dice to pick a scholarly article to cite. Roll again for page, and flip a coin for the paragraph. Pick a long sentence from that paragraph, quote it, and somehow work it into your paragraph.
Fifth paragraph: Take the third slice of the second paragraph and extend it, using SparkNotes and Wikipedia. You have set the bar high with your previous allusions to Marxism and Feminism: it is now time for the grand slam: Post-modernism. Read the Wikipedia article on Jacques Derrida, then pick one of his quotes and explain how it informs a modern understanding of Jane Eyre, and how triangulating the references to guppies enables a post-semiotic confrontation between hyperrealist conceptions of the Victorian woman in the literature of the time -- and the realities of mid-19th century England in the early throes of the Industrial revolution, particularly the graveyard near which the Bronte sisters lived. Derrida would have been proud. Yes, this paragraph will be long, perhaps three to four pages. All that matters is that you completely destroy the ability of your teacher to comprehend what you are writing about. Roll dice to pick a scholarly article to cite. Roll again for page, and flip a coin for the paragraph. Pick a long sentence from that paragraph, quote it, and somehow work it into your paragraph.
Sixth and subsequent paragraphs: These are to be childishly simple, containing your true thoughts on Jane Eyre: "it would have been cooler if she dyked out with that teacher." Restate in collegiate prose, and if you ever feel trapped, simply insert a "as explained above, this contradiction is intensified in the 'fight-or-flight' crisis of Jane Eyre's oppositional attachment to Rochester, and leads her to her inevitable actions." This is completely meaningless, but after your fifth paragraph the instructor simply wants to make it out of your essay alive. All attempts at evaluation have ceased. Roll dice to pick a scholarly article to cite. Roll again for page, and flip a coin for the paragraph. Pick a long sentence from that paragraph, quote it, and somehow work it into your paragraph. Repeat so that you have two scholarly journal articles cited in each of these paragraphs, even though they might have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
Next-to-last paragraph: At this point, the teacher is starting to recover from your fifth paragraph. This is where you take *the second half* of each of your fourth, fifth, and sixth paragraphs, rephrase them, and rework them together *only to make grammatical sense.* Note that if you try to force this paragraph to make any sort of logical sense, you will suffer a "backlash" effect that will drive you insane (instead of your instructor). Leave the paragraph as it is. Do not reword unless absolutely necessary.
Concluding paragraph: There isn't one! Simply reword your thesis statement, prepending some statement like: "In conclusion...."; "In this essay, we have discussed...."; or "Arthur C. Danto's theory of the Artworld suggests that _____. Similarly, we have found that..."; the last is particularly powerful, since Arthur C. Danto actually existed and no one understands his theory except kids who have dropped acid and peaked during their Philosophy of Aesthetics class. Which, if your professor has done this, is not the sort of person you want to trifle with. Anyway, use this tantalizing fragment to finish up the "next-to-last" page of the essay. The real last page does not exist, because you will not write it. Go directly from your "next-to-last" page to your works cited page.
The teacher will notice, of course, and do one of two things. They will either put a highly-coveted "???" mark at the bottom of the "next-to-last" page, or they will ask you to find and turn it in. Respond, if they force you, with a reworded version of your first paragraph. Make excuses if possible.
That is my method, and I've never received below a 96% on any paper I've written since my senior English class in High School. - RipThe5y5tem, on 11/30/2007, -2/+23and.... DON'T PLAGIARIZE! You will get caught, stupid.
- bryanricker, on 11/30/2007, -0/+13Here's a good tip, too: Raskolnikov doesn't die at the end of Crime and Punishment... I made this mistake and was caught. D'oh.
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -0/+13Ah yes, I remember those days all too well. Essay exams were my favorite because you were able to fib your way through it. Multiple Choice questions weren't as forgiving- you are either right or wrong!
- Bawk, on 11/30/2007, -0/+12Or you could use #3 on the list... "Learn to paraphrase like a champion"
- Chubs879, on 11/30/2007, -0/+11***** brilliant. Forget all of those inane little quip most Digg users make, THIS post should be the most dugg comment in the history of the internet.
- growlzor, on 11/30/2007, -5/+16Another handy tip. In Microsoft Word use the Find and then Replace All with all your periods. Change all your 12 point font periods to 14 and it will add some length to your paper and the periods will look exactly the same. Obviously doesn't help if your professor asks for a specific amount of words but should add a good two pages on an already 8 page paper.
- wispygalaxy, on 11/30/2007, -0/+11Hogwarts?
- RoroCo, on 11/30/2007, -4/+15Ah yes, I remember those days all too well. Essay exams were my favorite because you were able to fib your way through it. Multiple Choice questions weren't as forgiving- you are either right or wrong!
- deadowl, on 11/30/2007, -0/+9I actually had to adjust the margins, font, and line spacing quite a bit on my last paper so I wouldn't get 10 points off for going over the page limit.
- CannedMango, on 11/30/2007, -0/+8And now all of the people who grew up learning to game the system and BS their way through school have become our journalists and reporters.
- Timmaay, on 11/30/2007, -1/+8"The subject of the class was Harry Potter."
What school are you going to? - HawkeyeMatt, on 11/30/2007, -0/+6I think I'm going to print this...
- Bawk, on 11/30/2007, -1/+6As an addition to #`10, never underestimate the power of character spacing.
- PedleZelnip, on 11/30/2007, -0/+5The best grade on an essay my buddy got was the A+ he got for his essay on "Why I Hate Writing Essays". ;) Moral of the story: just write about something you're passionate about.
- mattmollysdad, on 11/30/2007, -1/+5Our collective teaching experience has taught us that students who look good and work hard the first two weeks of a semester get the best final grades. Once we make up our minds as to who is smart it's over... also good looking girls get better grades from their male teachers... sorry but that's how it is.
- Timmaay, on 11/30/2007, -0/+4That's crap, who gets to write about what they want, usually you are given a topic. As for the content of the site, I wouldn't try passing any of what I saw off as my own...
- objectcode, on 11/30/2007, -0/+4those were the days before copy and paste im sure
- natedouglas, on 11/30/2007, -0/+4I'm on my fourth college (NMSU, UNM, BGSU, University of Akron) and sixth major (Sociology, Music Performance:Flamenco guitar, Music Theory and Composition, Philosophy, Creative Writing, English). I just dropped out, six credits short of a BA in English, BA in Philosophy (and an AS in Nuclear Engineering Technology and a BFA in Creative Writing from other schools) so that I could finish writing the first volume of a series of ridiculously complex novels discussing the miraculous healing power of cranberries. Look for it on Wal-Mart™ shelves in the next decade.
Which means, yes, I am mooching off my wife and posting on Digg. - Uranium118, on 11/30/2007, -0/+3.
- Klak, on 11/30/2007, -0/+3i would suggest always pandering to your teachers interests and political beliefs as a surefire way to get an A
- UberNick, on 11/30/2007, -0/+3I read an amazing essay years ago called (something like) "The Art of *****" by an author named Bill Cosby. It was almost the opposite of this article in terms of its advice, but rang much truer and funnier. Anyone else, by chance, read it or got a link to it?
- Istrancis, on 11/30/2007, -0/+2I'm sure someone could whip up a macro with a little VB in Micro$oft Word to enable full stops/periods to be "embiggened" at the press of a button.
- wordglue, on 12/01/2007, -1/+3wOOps i misread your post, just the periods probably won't stick out. okay sorry begin the digging down i deserve that for not reading carefully...tired from "studying" i guess...
- eurynome420, on 12/02/2007, -0/+2"I made sure to include some overblown conclusion on how the Salem Witchcraft trials had ramifications leading all the way to today’s justice system. I probably also compared some Salem political officials to today’s current administration. The professor liked it (maybe it was the Clinton ‘08 sticker on her bag that gave me the divine inspiration)"
this confirms the facts......clinton = witch - Teanuh, on 11/30/2007, -0/+2Is he really BSing it if he takes time to "give the professor what he/she asks for?" consults a thesaurus, spell checks, reads the book more than once, proof-reads, prepares... should I go on?
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -0/+2can i copy your thesis?
- LaGStAr, on 11/30/2007, -1/+3I'm not sure what crazy school you go to, but since 9th grade, for me, all those variables are fixed. And since going to university, going over the page limit is worse than being under the minimum.
- wispygalaxy, on 11/30/2007, -1/+2Right now, my roommate is skipping class to write a paper due in a few hours. Let's hope that she does not stop by Digg today...
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -1/+2that's like 654865 people
- Tippis, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1That's why you ditch Word et al. and use InDesign instead... cheating though custom kerning ftw ;D
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1in hs, this kid in my class handed in a paper with the url at the bottom, i had high hopes for him until then
- Depthfunction, on 11/30/2007, -1/+2I'm afraid the author doesn't quite understand what paraphrasing is. His example is NOT an acceptable paraphrase.
And as far as adjusting margins, font size, etc. is concerned, the wise professor will assign a minimum word count, not a page count. If you have to write at least 1000 words, you can adjust the margins all you want, but you still have to write 1000 words. - Zekaer, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1ahh Jane Eyre, a book you will never forget once you've read it.
- EmperorAwesome, on 11/30/2007, -2/+3Yeah, that's a kickass education method. Consider a paper's length as part of it's merit. Expository essays do nothing to further an education, they're vestigial, and have been since their adoption by lazy professors looking for a way to standardize what is adequate.
- jc7012, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1Bs'ing essays is really helpful many times, but kids shouldn't be afraid to actually work on a paper and research and learn what you're taking about.
- inspecality, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1occasional college student?
- nixon956, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1mirror: http://64.233.169.104/search?q=cache:tbSc0v864zIJ: ...
- Klak, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1the teacher isnt going to count the words though. they will just know about how many pages it will be
- pak314, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1I'm so glad i am done with high school and college so I don't have to deal with BS like writing essays about books I don't give a crap about.
- X9001, on 12/01/2007, -0/+1Change every seventh word and turn it in wont pick it up
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -0/+1Yeah, I was thinking this would be in the article. I know this has resulted in many extra points over the years for me.
- affanjam, on 12/01/2007, -0/+1I Bel-aired the conclusion in my last essay.
- wordglue, on 12/01/2007, -2/+3and theeen when no one else does this stupid technique...your font sticks out like a pimple on an albino from everybody else's, your professor rolls his eyes and actually reads your BS paper with scrutiny instead of simply glazing over it generously like the other 4000 he has to grade that week.
just BS the damn paper like a man without manipulating the physical characteristics of the paper itself - passedoutghost, on 12/01/2007, -0/+0I'm guessing no one's used www.researchbitch.com? You can get by with bs-ing some papers, but not all. Also you're uni/college library website probably has links to scholarly databases which give you more articles to put into your bibliography.
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -1/+1Monaco 12pt
- TreatsTheBear, on 11/30/2007, -2/+2How to fail at webhosting
- lolo2007, on 01/17/2008, -0/+0The article is a bad example of good copywriting. The article uses too many I's making its focus on the author instead of "The Art of BS". Seriously, stay on topic and don't talk about yourself when writing articles unless it's an article about you.
http://girls.paramegsoft.com
http://www.paramegsoft.com
http://www.paramegsoft.com/forum/forum98.html - Relaxin22, on 11/30/2007, -1/+1Changing the period size to 14 rather than 12 also has a surprisingly beneficial effect on the length of a paper. Not sure if there is a quick way to do it but it is worth the time, adds a little extra space between each line and is completely unnoticeable.
- inactive, on 11/30/2007, -1/+1I DO think it is unworthy of academic study. You gave no real reason why there should be a class on it... It sounds like it is the equivalent of a Yoga or basket-weaving class. Just a GPA booster/fun class.
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