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83 Comments
- actionscripted, on 10/12/2007, -4/+31"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
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This author should learn how to survive long posts using section headings and lists. - inactive, on 10/12/2007, -2/+28"As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell."
Thank you. Why is this a premises to so many movies? Dumbasses. - falstaff, on 10/12/2007, -1/+23"If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!"
NOW you tell me.... - Pataflafla, on 10/12/2007, -3/+23saw a lot of repeats. Why are serial killer so obsessed over sex with teenage girls?
Never mind, that's true of just about everyone. - rudy23, on 10/12/2007, -1/+16How To Survive a Horror Movie?
Press Eject. - thephosphorbox, on 10/12/2007, -0/+10LOL nelka I have strategies too.. my wife always makes fun of me for it. The day we moved into our apartment 6 years ago I commented about how great it was that the stairway was narrow so if there was a zombie attack we could easily throw some furniture down the stairs and block off the whole entryway to the house! I'm surprised she didn't pack her bags right then and there now that I look back on it!
- kRabbit, on 10/12/2007, -1/+10Dugg down for using the retard Carlos Mencia's retard phrase.
- monergism, on 10/12/2007, -7/+16Old joke + Blog + Digg = Lame frontpage material.
- Bokista, on 10/12/2007, -0/+9Plus, this is how to survive *IN* a horror movie, whereas this title would imply that you are trying to survive the act of watching it.
- justice7, on 10/12/2007, -1/+10How do survive a horror movie?
Grab a BOOMSTICK.
If something gets in your hand and goes bad, lop it off.
When in doubt, laugh at your surroundings
Make sure you get some sugar, baby
and above all, don't forget the sacred words. - Troopy, on 10/12/2007, -1/+9@TheRingmaster
I think its like a thing you use to stoke a fire.. Smouldering with heat. - johnhummel, on 10/12/2007, -3/+10My wife and I have had conversations like this. See, I can't stand horror movies, because the people in them act like a bunch of asshats. For me, there are things that if I see in a movie, I will leave the room. I'm done with Stupid Town. Things like:
If you think the house is haunted/occupied by a vampire, instead of going in at night, how about during the day, with a flame thrower? Can't it wait a few more hours until sunrise?
Woman, you have a gun. Why are you saying "Don't come any closer?" JUST SHOOT HIM.
OK - look, dumb ass. Obviously shooting that thing in the chest 5 times *just isn't working*. Either shoot it in the head for variety, or try running away.
Wait - your whole plan is to free some invincible source of evil, and it will do whatever you want because you freed it? HAS THAT EVER WORKED?
No, don't check to see if that guy is dead. Shoot him again. Again. You know the phrase "3 in the head, proves that they're dead"? Right. Do that.
Anyway, it's a rare "horror movie" that actually keeps me from turning off the TV in disgust. Usually if I'm going to watch something, it has to be smart, like "Momento". - gen2ux, on 10/12/2007, -1/+8I'd be funny if someone made a spoof movie that everyone did the logical thing. I'm sure it wouldn't be that funny but someone could make it.
- Jrr6415sun, on 10/12/2007, -0/+6but how do you know if you're in a horror movie or scary movie 8?
- The2ndAct, on 10/12/2007, -1/+6All Uwe Boll movies are horror movies. And not in the good way.
- uttles, on 10/12/2007, -0/+5This is kinda old. I mean the first joke I heard on this subject was Eddie Murphy in Delirious when he said "in all the horror movies, why don't white people just leave the house? The ghost tells you to leave... now that's a hint and a half right there" (paraphrased)
It was funny then, it's kinda tired now. - DontSayFanboy, on 10/12/2007, -0/+4@justice7
Event Horizon had a portal to hell. Is building a ship the same as solving a puzzle? Sure! - CameronHigh, on 10/12/2007, -4/+8Not original and not funny.
- jsg7, on 10/12/2007, -0/+4Here are the rules, as presented by the original Scary Movie trailer (one of my all-time favorite movie trailers):
http://a772.g.akamai.net/5/772/51/ae532bd6cbd75d/1a1a1aaa2198c627970773d80669d84574a8d80d3cb12453c02589f25382f668c9329e0375e81784ed5fc02d8e0635a80b6cde57b623920871d6/scary_movie_144.mov
note: QT video - monahmat, on 10/12/2007, -1/+5"If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON’T bury your wife in the same place."
Oh how true it is... - Nelka, on 10/12/2007, -1/+5During last year's Chicago Tardis convention, I attended a panel on zombie movies. It was nice to discover that I was not the only dope who had strategies for potential zombie attacks
- bswopes, on 10/12/2007, -0/+4And regarding checking if its dead...
Its a trick. Get an axe. - d1rtfarm, on 10/12/2007, -1/+5It's not mean, it's good advice.
I, for one, try to avoid Hot Topic at all costs. - inactive, on 10/12/2007, -0/+3and when faced by an army of deadites lead by an evil version of yourself defeat them with science using a chemistry 101 textbook you happen to have in your car.
- KnytFyre, on 10/12/2007, -0/+3You have to have multiple plans, you never know what the speed will be (slow shamble, fast shamble, or fast moving), what the intelligence level will be (plant, animal, human, god like), or exactly what will kill them (blow to the head, decap, fire, and if very lucky multiples of the above).
- MrBlack08, on 10/12/2007, -2/+5Where was "Don't Be Black"?
The singular black guy always dies first, no matter the situation, he always dies first. - evilTak, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3Don't mind us - we're just masturbating.
- evilTak, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2The Ninth Gate. http://imdb.com/title/tt0142688/
- howski, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2If you're going to try to flex your movie snobbery, at least spell "Memento" correctly. The Nolan brothers deserve at least that.
- KnytFyre, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3"GET OUT!"
"Too bad we can't stay baby!" - Sornos, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3Don't visit Maine. Just don't do it.
- inactive, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2Shotgun + chainsaw is required. In the event that your hand becomes possessed, chop it off and lash your chainsaw to that arm.
- Reziarfg, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3Remember the movie deep blue sea? That black dude didn't die first, you remember the guy, "These might be my last hours on this planet...so what more can I say, well, let's start with the perfect omelet, some like to add milk for consistancy, that can be a mistake" I love that quote, and if I remember correctly he survived!
- wolfzombie, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2@justice7
Try "The Gate" (http://www.cheesymovienight.com/movies.php?title=Gate,%20The) for a hell opening story line - josegutz, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3Clautu... Veratta... Ne - cktie NE- Ptune Ne -Hack Cough Cough
- kraagenskul, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2"Never run into a deserted graveyard at night"
As opposed to a crowded graveyard? I think I'd be more scared if it was full of people in the middle of the night. Graveyards are almost always deserted at night, except for the scary shovel-wielding gravedigger who will end up saving your life later. - Jarasmen, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2Scooby-doo says otherwise.
- Jarasmen, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2"Avoid people with lots of facial hair. Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan"
Hey, that's just mean. - Wonderkind, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2"Top 25" would have been ample.
- KnytFyre, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1If it's a Uwe Boll movie, nothing you can do will save you....you'll die of boredom.
- xyqxyq, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2Reminds me of this: http://www.project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html
- howski, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1THAT was a great sketch.
- akzidenzgrotesk, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1@DontSayFanboy
yeah, but in event horizon they didn't KNOW it would open the portal to hell. that was just an accident.
so maybe we should add "don't mess with black holes because they may or may not lead you straight to hell." - teamgwho, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1*If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.*
"what was that bang?"
IT WAS A GANGBANG!
"We need a phone."
"I think I saw a castle back there"
CASTLES DONT HAVE PHONES *****! - inactive, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Uh, I was born there... Is there something I should be made aware of?..
- edzieba, on 10/12/2007, -2/+3"A zombie plan? Oh course not! I have THIRTY SEVEN zombie plans!:
- inactive, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1I'm sorry that you have the attention span of a 12 year old. Go back to watching The Grudge please.
- inactive, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1It sucks that all the "Scary Movie" movies all just deteriorate into grade school potty humor. They could do so much more with the idea.
- akzidenzgrotesk, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1i'm a big fan of versus, personally.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0275773/
i've seen it probably 5 times, and still have pretty much no idea what the actual story line is (it involves good vs. evil and zombies and vampires in a creepy forest, but it's not especially coherent). but it's gory and over the top and totally ridiculous and i love it. - WickedDrag0oN, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Dont be the black guy and don't be the slut. Also, always freak out when somebody dies, and only run half the time(walk, but never hide)... Never ask "why" and always prepare for a sequel.
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