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5 Superpowers Science Will Give Us in Our Lifetime

cracked.com — If you're young enough to care about comic books, odds are you'll live to see real life superheroes swinging through the streets, courtesy of science. So why's that a bad thing? We tell you.

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  • mentallyinhell, on 06/16/2008, -4/+99But its no fun if everybody can do it, the whole point of a superpower is the ability to shove it in everybody else's face.
    • Pilomotor, on 06/16/2008, -1/+42That's a bit like saying there's no point in having a portable boombox with which to play heavy metal in public other than harassing the Amish.
    • Rikkochet, on 06/17/2008, -0/+11When everyone's super, no one is, and all that?
    • lebblesb, on 06/17/2008, -2/+2And here I thought the whole point of super powers was to help the human race.
      • biffen, on 06/17/2008, -1/+8Idiot.
      • kneelB4zod, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2As I read that the them from Team America jumped in to my head :)
  • redfred18t, on 06/16/2008, -2/+112"In 2005, Lee Spievack, a man working in a Cincinnati hobby store, sliced off the tip of his finger as he was showing a customer how you can lose a finger when dealing with a model plane's motor. This is either an ironic accident or the single most badass thing any retail associate has ever done to sell a customer."

    Pure genius. I seriously LOVE Cracked.

    • Soulbow2, on 06/16/2008, -0/+29And Cracked loves Digg.
    • falstaff, on 06/17/2008, -0/+24"This baby's powerful enough to cut off a finger! Pay attention, I'm only going to do this once."
      My vote is for badass.
      • yaddayaddayoda, on 06/17/2008, -0/+6Did he make the sale???
        • noctiferis, on 06/18/2008, -0/+2
          he sure would have been puh-issed if he didn't
    • theOster, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2also, the "mind controlled pudding cannon"... amazing.

      EDIT...i jumped the gun, the writing jsut keeps getting better "strong as a *****" and "Bukakked within mere inches of its life"...ok, back to reading.
  • SarahSue, on 06/16/2008, -0/+19somehow, the guy in science's iron man isn't quite as cool looking as the real iron man.
    • Fhwqhgads, on 06/16/2008, -0/+15Nor would he have the balls nor the ability to whoop ass in a war zone.
    • lordtyros, on 06/16/2008, -0/+24Also, Tony Stark was able to build his in a cave with a bucket of scraps..
  • relic180, on 06/16/2008, -22/+4"Every one of us once dreamed of donning some spandex pants and taking our brand of renegade crime fighting to the streets."
    Speak for yourself, nerd.
  • magicjohnson, on 06/16/2008, -2/+39I'm still waiting on the ability to fly.
  • jakash, on 06/16/2008, -1/+68I don't mean to be "that guy" to point this out, but Peter Parker's webs were made to disintegrate a few hours after use.
    • bjs3171, on 06/17/2008, -3/+2like all the other things that disintegrate within hours?
      • Knowltey, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2Well the building are still going to have tons of webs on them for a "few hours" after morning rush hour...
    • allancorbett, on 06/18/2008, -0/+1But then the new webs wouldn't work as the old ones would be dissolving so they wouldn't be able to stick.

      See, it won't work.
  • ChiffX, on 06/17/2008, -0/+22In reference to the invisibility suit: "Susumu Tachi, a scientist at Tokyo University, is hard at work on a ground-breaking piece of tech that could very well be one of mankind's greatest achievements ... until it's used by chronic masturbators to peer in on your sexual exploits, that is."

    I'm pretty sure that would make it mankind's GREATEST achievement.
  • spookyttws, on 06/17/2008, -3/+9Who's lifetime? Mine? I'm just glad we're spending money on developing these technologies, and not those silly stem cells. Screw curing horrible diseases, I can be fake-invisible!
    • Hardac, on 06/17/2008, -0/+12What do you mean 'fake-invisible'? Is that like closing your eyes?
    • dha07030, on 06/17/2008, -0/+6Most things promising get funded, just maybe not by the government, also there is funding for non embryonic stem cells.
    • fasda, on 06/17/2008, -0/+8actually the regrowing your finger bit sounds like a good medical technology.
    • oojamaflip2006, on 06/17/2008, -2/+5Since when was stem cell research banned? Oh... youre in America.
    • bjs3171, on 06/17/2008, -1/+3i'd say creating an exoskeleton suit would be just as noble a cause.
  • Riggs, on 06/17/2008, -15/+4I was hoping for it to be an article that was based on actual scientific findings instead of the garbage on cracked.com. Buried.
  • GDOG5, on 06/17/2008, -4/+7Does anyone else see an advertisement for SCIENTOLOGY at the bottom of the second page! How dare you cracked, how dare you!
  • BoostingBlue04, on 06/17/2008, -6/+3Forget Sue, I want to see through what she's wearing!
  • funkytommyman, on 06/17/2008, -3/+45Correction
    5 Superpowers Science Will Give ***the rich*** in Our Lifetime
    • jeremyduffy, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2God damned buzz-kill. It hurts more knowing you're right.
  • FrankTheTank17, on 06/17/2008, -2/+2If everybody could turn invisible either everybody would end up taking showers in their bathing suits or end up being nudists.
    • noctiferis, on 06/18/2008, -0/+1or walking into each other... a lot!
  • orangefly, on 06/17/2008, -1/+33How about the power to kill a yak, from 200 yards away....???....
  • ryleyleckie, on 06/17/2008, -5/+3"First up is carbon nanotube technology, which will basically be Velcro for the "What the ***** is Velcro?" societies of the future."
  • r3negadeX, on 08/11/2008, -0/+15Nothing like a science lesson from cracked.com.
  • Danby123, on 06/17/2008, -0/+5Are there videos of the Hal suit?
  • HouseofEl, on 06/17/2008, -1/+4I can't wait for someone to create Spider-man's webs and then try and swing. It's going to be a fun video to watch when that person rips their arm out of their socket and crashes into the ground. Better use that exoskeleton with it!
    • DaHuuuuuudge, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2Because everybody that tries to swing from a rope loses their arm, right?
      • HouseofEl, on 06/17/2008, -0/+4Centrifugal force would cause you to weigh somewhere between 3 and 4 times your weight at the bottom of the swing. Yes a strong person could probably swing on a line, but swinging the way Spider-man does? I don't think so. You'd have to be pretty strong if the line was something like 100 feet long.
  • aserer511, on 06/17/2008, -0/+7i want the ability to make all my submissions front page, like that!
  • pineapplepaul, on 06/17/2008, -0/+37FTA: http://www.cyberdyne.jp/english/index.html

    Who the HELL thinks its a good idea to name a company that makes robots Cyberdyne? I mean, they might as well take out a hit on some random guy named John Connor who lives in his mom's basement in Nebraska. WHAT THE ***** MAN
    • olddirtycr, on 06/17/2008, -0/+10HAL...Cyberdyne... obviously on purpose :p
    • jgzman, on 06/17/2008, -0/+15The British Military is no-***** setting up a system of satellites to coordinate information between HQ and units all over the world.

      They call it Skynet.
      • skidzilla, on 06/17/2008, -0/+3Judgment day is inevitable John. It's in your nature to destroy yourselves.
  • Deanblackoak, on 06/17/2008, -2/+3Nice list, however anyone who has read a few Spider-Man comics knows that his webbing disintegrates after an hour.
  • sh4d0w4lk3r, on 06/17/2008, -1/+8I'm sure they could make a "super steroid" with a side effect of furious anger.
    • skidzilla, on 06/17/2008, -0/+1Take the green pill labeled 'Ritalin'.
    • noctiferis, on 06/18/2008, -0/+1How about one that makes People think you're their Little Sister?
  • SilverBlade2k, on 06/17/2008, -1/+1I'd rather have telekinesis without the aid of a computer or the aid of your hands/external forces...think of an object and it moves seemingly on it's own
  • Pixelante, on 06/17/2008, -3/+3A more appropriate title would be "5 delusions we'll have to get over in our lifetimes".
  • scarletspidah, on 06/17/2008, -2/+2All these are just going to ***** Will. E Cyote even more.
  • carl25, on 06/17/2008, -2/+2technically you would need super strength for spiderman's powers
  • joshblufs, on 06/17/2008, -1/+3I will file this under "Jetpacks and other stuff that will never happen".
  • davidbeile, on 06/17/2008, -0/+0Let's think about it. If some chronic masturbator got all of these powers/technologies, this means that they could do their business in even the most dangerous of environments, undetected. I can't wait haha.
  • twiztedambience, on 06/17/2008, -4/+3Seems to be written for those people out there who think science will make us live to 1000, or solve all our problems in the ways science fiction has predicted.

    File this in the humor category. At least it was pretty funny.

    By the way, that robot company is overstepping their bounds. I doubt their product lives up to the name of Hal. And the robo dude in that picture has nothing on the terminator robots -- for one, there's a human in the suit..
  • sleepydennis, on 06/17/2008, -1/+0***** weak. I am talking Laser Beams From My Eyes, Super Human Strength, Flight, Energy Blasts from my hands. Not turning the TV on with my mind, a robot suit, and glue. The Hyper-Healing, and the invisibility sound tight though.
    • joshuabowers, on 06/17/2008, -0/+3What about big chainsaw hands? Or the strength of five gorillas?
  • fudged71, on 06/17/2008, -1/+1The list is missing "BrainPort"
    what they have is brain output, but BrainPort gives brain input using sensory substitution. The US Navy has used it to give divers depth sensors and radar, communicated straight to the brain through a small electric stimulation pad you put on your tongue. That's just one use for it. The applications are nearly endless. I can't wait until it gets smaller, wireless, cheaper, etc.
  • Greengoo, on 06/17/2008, -3/+17Dugg for using the phrase "Bukkaked within inches of it's life"
  • RadiatedAnt, on 06/17/2008, -1/+3by super powers I was thinking nations :S
  • Xebozone, on 06/17/2008, -0/+8From the article: it created a bond that one researcher called "As strong as a *****."

    Highly scientific stuff!
  • Jess2mix, on 06/17/2008, -2/+1"pretty soon every building is going to look like it's either wearing a fur coat, or been Bukakked within mere inches of its life."
  • stephenhacking, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2Superpowers i was thinking of "Heros"
  • topace3000, on 06/17/2008, -2/+3Most of these are really, really reaching.
  • CucumberBoy, on 06/17/2008, -1/+1They should put all of these aside and focus on the one power that really matters: the ability to undress women with x-ray vision.
  • PlasticFish, on 06/17/2008, -1/+4Mind controlled pudding cannon FTW!
  • AugustusOsari, on 06/17/2008, -1/+1I'd rather have the power to not have to go to sleep

    But that's just me.
    • kyle415, on 06/17/2008, -1/+1The world would be insane if everyone could stay up 24/7!
  • blast_flame, on 06/17/2008, -2/+1They were really stretching for the "what's bad about this part." For instance who cares if people augment themselves.
  • pinoylife, on 06/17/2008, -1/+0Flame On!
  • Goombellaofgoom, on 06/17/2008, -0/+6If that nano-velcro stuff is so strong... how are you supposed to get it off of things?
    • MonkCanatella, on 06/17/2008, -0/+2Why doesn't glue stick to itself in the bottle?!
    • noctiferis, on 06/18/2008, -0/+1it's much stronger than velcro... if you grab something that's stuck to something else with velcro and try and pull straight out it's bloody difficult... if you pull from the side it comes off.. velcro!!
    • noctiferis, on 06/18/2008, -0/+1It's because velcro is extremely strong if you pull straght out but comes off easly when you "peel" it off... same rules apply
  • Phoenix478, on 06/17/2008, -0/+7Science has also promised us flying cars, ray guns, and teleportation. Well Science, it's 2008, where the ***** is my ray gun?
    • trademaak, on 06/17/2008, -0/+0You can get ur ray gun in military. They are using them right now.
  • Ragingidiot, on 06/17/2008, -1/+0why the hell is google still advertising scientology channel on youtube, on cracked?
  • katerpilar, on 06/17/2008, -1/+1buried for scientology ad that i thought it was part of the article.
  • Megad00mer, on 06/17/2008, -0/+1These are cool and all but I think Batman proves that the ultimate super power = cash.
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