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Should I Accept The Demotion And Pay Cut My Boss Gave Me After I Offered Three Weeks’ Notice, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Accept The Demotion And Pay Cut My Boss Gave Me After I Offered Three Weeks' Notice?
I'm a director of a department and when I resigned yesterday with three weeks' notice, my boss told me that they are going to combine another related department with mine and have that department's director take over as director of the newly combined department. They asked that I wait several days to announce my resignation to colleagues so that they have time to solidify the transition plan.
Now, my boss is saying that later this week, they will put the combined departments into effect and I will be demoted from director to a lower-level position with a pay cut — and I've found out through other channels that there will be a meeting tomorrow to present the reorg plan to the rest of the management team (excluding me) and they're positioning it as that I've quit in response to the impending demotion. In addition to feeling like this situation is pretty messed up and terrible for my reputation, taking the demotion will have financial consequences on my unused vacation payout (which is a fairly substantial amount).
Should I announce my resignation to my colleagues now to try to get ahead of the weird spin being placed on this? Or is that going to just add fuel to the fire? And is there any professional way to combat the demotion at this point? I've offered to remain in place to train my successor and aid in the transition, but the demotion wasn't part of the deal — am I better off rescinding the notice period of my resignation and quitting before it takes effect?
[Inc.]
Alison Green offers the letter writer a script for saying that they can't stay on for the notice period if their pay is cut. "And yeah, I would ignore their request to keep it quiet for now and start letting people know so that you have more control over the narrative," she writes. "They've forfeited the right to have you keep your plans quiet." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Introverted Teenage Daughter To Change Her Personality?
This may seem like a low-stakes question, but I am truly concerned. My 15-year-old daughter is an extreme introvert, and strongly dislikes big groups of people and large events. She finds it difficult to make conversation and is seemingly uncomfortable even with talking with some of her classmates, even those she has known for years. I am extremely worried about her and how this will impact her in the future. Ever since she was little, she has been very serious, and I would consider her relatively unapproachable. It takes her many years to get fully comfortable with a person, and to start opening up to them. Once you get to know her, however, she has a host of wonderful personality traits. I have had numerous talks with her about getting out of her comfort zone. I've tried everything, from yelling at her to reasoning with her, but nothing seems to work. All I want is for her to show that she is a human, and not a machine. For some reason, me saying this seems to bother her, because (as she told me) she does not think of herself as a robot who is devoid of emotion, and she's sick of people like me saying that she is. It's difficult for me to see her in any other way, however, because she rarely expresses strong opinions with me or her father, and often shuts down and refuses to let us know what she thinks during some conversations.
She volunteers at a local natural history museum, which has been great for her. She is passionate about the subject, and seems to enjoy interacting with visitors, other volunteers, and her supervisors. She claims that this is evidence that she can be outgoing and social when she needs to be, and doing so just takes more effort, but I am not convinced. I would like her to put this much effort into social and casual relationships, and not just ones where she is expected to perform some kind of task. How can I get her to change her personality, so she opens up more easily, and enjoys social interaction and gatherings more?
[Slate]
Nicole Chung rules that there is nothing wrong with the letter writer's daughter's personality. "You're the one who needs to change here — you need to work on seeing and appreciating the kid you have, instead of wasting more time and energy telling her that her natural inclinations are wrong," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should My Vegan Friends Be Expected To Serve Meat To Non-Vegan Guests?
Our group of friends switches turns eating dinner at one another's homes. Four of the five couples eat most foods and one couple is vegan. When the four couples make food at our homes, we make both meat and at least one vegan dish, plus vegetables, salads. The food is always good. However, when we go to the vegan couple's house, they make only vegan food. This does not sit well with some of the couples, who think they should at least prepare or purchase non-vegan food for others, since the non-vegan couples go out of our way to prepare a vegan dish.
They say they cannot cook any meat, cheese or other dairy products in their house as a rule.
One of the couples wants to stop making vegan dishes altogether at their house and the vegan couple can fend for themselves. This is causing a rift in our group. So how do we resolve this one?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer and their friends to eat the vegan food served at the vegan couple's house. "Heaven forbid, you eat a potato," she writes. "If you get woozy after three hours without animal products, then keep some jerky in your pocket." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Say To Let People Know I Noticed They're Fat?
What do I say to two neighbor guys who are overweight? "You don't miss many meals, do you?" is what I want to say, but that seems rude. Somebody should say something. Also, a family member has a good friend who gets fatter every time I see her. I think it must be bad for her health.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris encourages the letter writer to read up on the relationship between body size and health, and to get a life. "The desire to criticize people you don't know about their bodies is a sign of a really troubling approach to the world," she writes. "You've got to figure out what's going on with you." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Tell People Who Recommend TV Shows That Depict Situations That Go Against My Moral Standards?
Can you please tell me how to respond when family or close friends recommend a particular TV series to watch, only for me to find out that the show is full of situations and dialogue that go against our moral standards?
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them that we objected to their suggested program.
[UExpress]
"Are they close enough for you to have a civil discussion about what bothers you?" ask Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona. "If not, 'It's not really our taste' should be enough, and Miss Manners reminds you that there is no accounting for taste." That's the entirety of their answer to this question, but read the rest of their column.
Isn't It Weird That My Boyfriend Is Taking Me On An Anniversary Trip To Bermuda, Where I've Always Wanted To Go?
I have always wanted to go to Bermuda, and my boyfriend has booked a trip there to celebrate our third anniversary together.
What I don't like about the plan is it just happens to be where he and his ex-wife also had their honeymoon, and he has often told me about what a great time they had there.
My sister and a couple of my friends think this is more than a vacation, and that my boyfriend will propose to me while we are there. I’m ready for the proposal, but am also weirded out and annoyed by his picking the same place where he and his ex-wife spent their honeymoon.
Am I being weird, or is he? I am also a little disappointed he couldn't be more creative in his planning.
[UExpress]
Susan Writer points out that there are many good reasons why the letter writer's boyfriend would want to go back to Bermuda with the letter writer. "There's something to be said for having a travel companion with even a basic knowledge of a location completely new to you," she writes. "In this case your boyfriend could act as an amateur tour guide." Read the rest of her answer.