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Should I Accept The Demotion And Pay Cut My Boss Gave Me After I Offered Three Weeks’ Notice, And Other Advice Column Questions

Should I Accept The Demotion And Pay Cut My Boss Gave Me After I Offered Three Weeks’ Notice, And Other Advice Column Questions
This week, a company trying to demote someone after they've already tendered their resignation, a parent who wants to change their teenager's entire personality and guests who expect their vegan hosts to cook meat for them.
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There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.



Should I Accept The Demotion And Pay Cut My Boss Gave Me After I Offered Three Weeks' Notice?

I'm a director of a department and when I resigned yesterday with three weeks' notice, my boss told me that they are going to combine another related department with mine and have that department's director take over as director of the newly combined department. They asked that I wait several days to announce my resignation to colleagues so that they have time to solidify the transition plan.

Now, my boss is saying that later this week, they will put the combined departments into effect and I will be demoted from director to a lower-level position with a pay cut — and I've found out through other channels that there will be a meeting tomorrow to present the reorg plan to the rest of the management team (excluding me) and they're positioning it as that I've quit in response to the impending demotion. In addition to feeling like this situation is pretty messed up and terrible for my reputation, taking the demotion will have financial consequences on my unused vacation payout (which is a fairly substantial amount).

Should I announce my resignation to my colleagues now to try to get ahead of the weird spin being placed on this? Or is that going to just add fuel to the fire? And is there any professional way to combat the demotion at this point? I've offered to remain in place to train my successor and aid in the transition, but the demotion wasn't part of the deal — am I better off rescinding the notice period of my resignation and quitting before it takes effect?

[Inc.]

Alison Green offers the letter writer a script for saying that they can't stay on for the notice period if their pay is cut. "And yeah, I would ignore their request to keep it quiet for now and start letting people know so that you have more control over the narrative," she writes. "They've forfeited the right to have you keep your plans quiet." Read the rest of her answer.


How Can I Get My Introverted Teenage Daughter To Change Her Personality?

This may seem like a low-stakes question, but I am truly concerned. My 15-year-old daughter is an extreme introvert, and strongly dislikes big groups of people and large events. She finds it difficult to make conversation and is seemingly uncomfortable even with talking with some of her classmates, even those she has known for years. I am extremely worried about her and how this will impact her in the future. Ever since she was little, she has been very serious, and I would consider her relatively unapproachable. It takes her many years to get fully comfortable with a person, and to start opening up to them. Once you get to know her, however, she has a host of wonderful personality traits. I have had numerous talks with her about getting out of her comfort zone. I've tried everything, from yelling at her to reasoning with her, but nothing seems to work. All I want is for her to show that she is a human, and not a machine. For some reason, me saying this seems to bother her, because (as she told me) she does not think of herself as a robot who is devoid of emotion, and she's sick of people like me saying that she is. It's difficult for me to see her in any other way, however, because she rarely expresses strong opinions with me or her father, and often shuts down and refuses to let us know what she thinks during some conversations.

She volunteers at a local natural history museum, which has been great for her. She is passionate about the subject, and seems to enjoy interacting with visitors, other volunteers, and her supervisors. She claims that this is evidence that she can be outgoing and social when she needs to be, and doing so just takes more effort, but I am not convinced. I would like her to put this much effort into social and casual relationships, and not just ones where she is expected to perform some kind of task. How can I get her to change her personality, so she opens up more easily, and enjoys social interaction and gatherings more?

[Slate]

Nicole Chung rules that there is nothing wrong with the letter writer's daughter's personality. "You're the one who needs to change here — you need to work on seeing and appreciating the kid you have, instead of wasting more time and energy telling her that her natural inclinations are wrong," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.


Should My Vegan Friends Be Expected To Serve Meat To Non-Vegan Guests?

Our group of friends switches turns eating dinner at one another's homes. Four of the five couples eat most foods and one couple is vegan. When the four couples make food at our homes, we make both meat and at least one vegan dish, plus vegetables, salads. The food is always good. However, when we go to the vegan couple's house, they make only vegan food. This does not sit well with some of the couples, who think they should at least prepare or purchase non-vegan food for others, since the non-vegan couples go out of our way to prepare a vegan dish.

They say they cannot cook any meat, cheese or other dairy products in their house as a rule.

One of the couples wants to stop making vegan dishes altogether at their house and the vegan couple can fend for themselves. This is causing a rift in our group. So how do we resolve this one?

[The Washington Post]

Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer and their friends to eat the vegan food served at the vegan couple's house. "Heaven forbid, you eat a potato," she writes. "If you get woozy after three hours without animal products, then keep some jerky in your pocket." Read the rest of her answer.


What Should I Say To Let People Know I Noticed They're Fat?

What do I say to two neighbor guys who are overweight? "You don't miss many meals, do you?" is what I want to say, but that seems rude. Somebody should say something. Also, a family member has a good friend who gets fatter every time I see her. I think it must be bad for her health.

[Slate]

Jenée Desmond-Harris encourages the letter writer to read up on the relationship between body size and health, and to get a life. "The desire to criticize people you don't know about their bodies is a sign of a really troubling approach to the world," she writes. "You've got to figure out what's going on with you." Read the rest of her answer.


What Should I Tell People Who Recommend TV Shows That Depict Situations That Go Against My Moral Standards?

Can you please tell me how to respond when family or close friends recommend a particular TV series to watch, only for me to find out that the show is full of situations and dialogue that go against our moral standards?

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them that we objected to their suggested program.

[UExpress]

"Are they close enough for you to have a civil discussion about what bothers you?" ask Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona. "If not, 'It's not really our taste' should be enough, and Miss Manners reminds you that there is no accounting for taste." That's the entirety of their answer to this question, but read the rest of their column.


Isn't It Weird That My Boyfriend Is Taking Me On An Anniversary Trip To Bermuda, Where I've Always Wanted To Go?

I have always wanted to go to Bermuda, and my boyfriend has booked a trip there to celebrate our third anniversary together.

What I don't like about the plan is it just happens to be where he and his ex-wife also had their honeymoon, and he has often told me about what a great time they had there.

My sister and a couple of my friends think this is more than a vacation, and that my boyfriend will propose to me while we are there. I’m ready for the proposal, but am also weirded out and annoyed by his picking the same place where he and his ex-wife spent their honeymoon.

Am I being weird, or is he? I am also a little disappointed he couldn't be more creative in his planning.

[UExpress]

Susan Writer points out that there are many good reasons why the letter writer's boyfriend would want to go back to Bermuda with the letter writer. "There's something to be said for having a travel companion with even a basic knowledge of a location completely new to you," she writes. "In this case your boyfriend could act as an amateur tour guide." Read the rest of her answer.


Check out our last week's column here.

Comments

  1. Chad Laidlaw 10 months ago

    The vegan meal is a bit of a puzzler. The difference between the accommodations is one of a requirement of omission (animal products must be omitted) and a preference for inclusion (liking eating meat). Unless someone has a particular condition that requires them to eat meat at every meal, being served a vegan meal isn't an issue. Not having meat (or other animal products) doesn't make it any less of a meal. Furthermore it seems that the folks demanding meat are putting their meal ingredient inclusion preference over the friendship of people who can't eat meat. That seems like a flawed priority to me.

    I'm pretty omnivorous. Love me a burger. I make a mean butter chicken. But also 90% of our home-cooked meals are vegetarian, and could reasonably easily be made vegan or at least have a vegan option. Not having meat in a meal is pretty easy to do. Plenty of fats and oils for flavour. I'm told there are good cheese substitutes (though I've yet to find one I like). And some of the plant-based meat substitutes are really good.

  2. Tfc Lavelle 10 months ago

    With what little information the writer revealed about concerns for the body weight of neighbors and family, the responder turned it into a fat-shamer shaming. I like Maintenance Phase too, so please don't invoke that show like some sort of amulet with powers to neutralize concerned queries. I saw no reason to advise the writer that they needed to self-examine their own motivations for the concern. That is just plain offensive, and only feeds the already "obese" narrative of weight concern. It is equally likely that the person asking has genuine concerns. Add to this: contrary to popular opinions on the rise, obesity is a valid healtlh concern. Responder, you seem to be the one in need of self-examination. It's OK to be concerned about rising obesity in the western world. Folks, never be ashamed about that concern. Don't let the fat-shame shamers get to you. Thanks

    1. Steve Dupree 10 months ago

      ESH, but between the two, the letter writer sucks worse than the columnist.

    2. Kraeg Minett 10 months ago

      This reads like you are looking for excuses to be able to fat shame people. This is a situation where the questioner is allowed to think whatever they want about someone's size, and if they are asked by that person(s) their thoughts, they are free to share them.
      Until that moment, it's none of their business. There are very few large people who don't know they are large, which means they are ok with it, health implications and all, or they constantly in battle with it, and any external shaming is not going to help one way or another. In fact, the shaming can lead to it's own spiral, which would mean the writer would be doing more harm than good.

      1. Tfc Lavelle 10 months ago

        Pardon. Your statement "There are very few large people who don't know they are large, which means they are ok with it"...? You lost yourself there, I think. How do you know that self awareness of large people being, well, large, means they are "ok with it"? Sounds a little self-congratulatory to me. Get that shoulder checked when you are done patting yourself on it, friend.

        At risk of repeating myself, obesity is a valid health concern (and not an excuse for me --or anyone-- to shame people. That was not my point. Sorry if I was not precise: Based on the writer's wording, it seems they have a genuine concern about some folks they are close to. They were hoping to hear about a possible way to get something across to those "large" people without being offensive. In that, coming here, to this forum, for advice, the query was met with its own shaming. These are dangerous waters to navigate indeed, if a concerned friend of family member can't at least inquire without themselves being attacked for it.

        Dear Kraeg and Jenee -- rather than ostracize the person who is asking with your own blatherings, try just saying: "No, unfortunately, in this culture there really is no way to say much to anyone about these things any longer without becoming a target. You will have to let your friends and loved ones sort this for themselves."

        Thanks, guys, for contributing to a truly healthy dialogue. Do carry on and walk proud! ( * not....)

  3. John Doe 10 months ago

    "often told me" is a bit a red flag.

    Just mention to him that she doesn't want to hear any further stories about the ex and any discussion of previous visits should be about himself leaving the ex out of it. (ie: I love the view from this spot. Not "I came here with my ex-wife and we loved the view).

  4. John Doe 10 months ago

    Vegetarian, yes. Vegan, they are on their own.

    I would decline an invitation to dinner if the hosts served a vegan meal. I would suggest that we go out to a restaurant that has vegan and non-vegan options.

    1. Kraeg Minett 10 months ago

      This is where I started when I read this, as a die hard meat eater. However, we make allowances for the people in our lives in all sorts of ways. If the vegan hosts were instead allergic to peanut oil, we wouldn't expect them to cook with peanut oil for guests, and without for themselves. It would just be absent from each and every dish.
      You can argue that the peanut oil is dangerous, and serving meat isn't, but serving meat to them clearly would affect them in an emotional way. They endure this for the benefit of the friendships when they are at the homes of others, but the limit is in their own home.
      Eating vegan for a night is absolutely NOT the end of the world, and can introduce guests to herb and spice combinations that make food even more interesting that they might not have previously encountered.
      Unless the food is terribly bland, I'd suggest that the original questioner could just enjoy one meatless dinner on its own terms and appreciate that their palate is being expanded.

      1. Rich Lyda 10 months ago

        Hot take, except someone else's body isn't your concern. The writer should do a little introspection to find out why they are so bothered by their neighbor's weight when it doesn't affect the writer in any way at all. Feeling so strongly a need to comment on other people's bodies, that you take the time to write an advice columnist is a huge red flag.

      2. Chad Laidlaw 10 months ago

        total agreement on the benefits of eating vegetarian/vegan in terms of herbs, spices, etc.

        It used to be that I couldn't cook a meal without meat. Just had no idea how, what to do, etc. Now, while I'm still the one who cooks the meat in our household, most of what I cook is vegetarian, and I know SO many more spices. This has the added bonus of making my meat dishes WAY better than they used to be. Win-win.

        1. Steve Dupree 10 months ago

          Even if the vegans wanted meat (and eggs and dairy) in their house, they may very well not know how to cook it well.

  5. John Doe 10 months ago

    If my employer pulled that stunt, I would walk out the door with a warning to the HR department that if they ever give me a bad reference or say it was anything other than me quitting as a director, they will be sued for defamation.

    1. Ezio 10 months ago

      This, all the way. Also, recording, screenshotting convos, the whole thing - any time you're about to resign, make sure you have full forensic record of what took place

  6. Dom Potters (Potts) 10 months ago

    The amount of bad advice here is unreal. The point between the vegan and meat eaters is the meat eater accommodate their vegan friends. It should go the other way as well. If they can make special arrangements for one, it would only be fair to make it so for all. The boyfriend trip to Bermuda, it's a bit tacky and they could go somewhere else and make new memories together instead of piling on top of someone else's. Plus the constant wondering of possible comparisons of the trip. Well I guess the other 3 is actually great advice.

    1. Rich Lyda 10 months ago

      I does go both ways. Meat eaters, better know as omnivores, can also eat vegetables. There is food present for them to eat, it just doesn't have any dead animals in it.

      1. Dom Potters (Potts) 10 months ago

        And most vegans choose to be vegan. It's about accommodating preferences of both parties not just the one. It's not been presented as a health related issue for the vegans. The other option is just not inviting them at all. To me it seems like the Meat eaters are being nice by accommodating the vegans and the vegans are acting selfish as in my way or no way.


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