Should I Report My Boss For Threatening To Fire Me Unless I Left A Work-Related Note At A Coworker's Relative's Grave, And Other Advice Column Questions
GOOD QUESTION
·Updated:
·

There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.

Should I Tell Anyone My Boss Threatened To Fire Me Unless I Left A Work-Related Note At A Coworker's Relative's Grave?

Three weeks ago one of my coworkers lost a relative. She has been off work on bereavement and family leave. Our boss isn't happy with her being off for so long. Since it is out of his control and he doesn't get to approve or deny her leave in this case (the HR department is in charge of that) I have been doing my best to ignore him whenever he complains.

Last week my boss gave me an envelope with my coworker's name on it and told me to leave it at the grave of my coworker's relative. He said it was a condolence card at first, but I didn't buy it because our work had already sent a card. When I asked him about it again, he said it was a note with some work-related items only she knows about and he needs answers ASAP and she won't answer her (personal, not work) phone when he calls her. He gave me directions to the cemetery and everything...

I hope you don't judge me for this but I did what he said and brought the envelope to the grave. I don't know if she has seen it yet. I am horrified and disgusted with this. I am disgusted with myself. My boss threatened my job if I didn't but it's still no excuse. I don't even have a year of work experience not counting internships in college. I was scared of being fired and so I did it. But now I'm disgusted with myself and I don't know what I should do about this. I imagine telling my boss off or telling his boss but I'm scared to actually do it. I wish I had never delivered the letter but I don't know what to do next. Any help or tips you or your readers have for me would be so helpful.

[Ask A Manager]

Alison Green advises the letter writer to tell their company's human relations department. "Your boss is officially the worst person in the world," she writes. "But you are not. You are brand new to the work world and scared of being fired." Read the rest of her answer.

How Can I Convince My Family That My 8-Year-Old Niece Insulted Me By Observing That I Looked Different In A 20-Year-Old Photo?

My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it's always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, "Ivy," is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I'm really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, "Oh, you look so different there!"

I know what that means. That means, "You are old and ugly." I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she's saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn't see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I'm also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she'll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?

[Slate]

Doyin Richards agrees with the letter writer's husband and brother. "This isn't gaslighting or some conspiracy to make you feel bad — but it does seem like you may have some deep-seated issues around your appearance that you should address with a professional," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.

Was I Wrong To Give My Coworker A Fantasy Novel To Broaden Her Horizons Instead Of One Of The Books She Put On Her Wishlist?

For Secret Santa I got Sara, who put down a bunch of books that she wanted as well as other things like socks, tea, and candy. I was a little disappointed to be honest, because I really like to shop for people and give really cool gifts and these were just blah things.

When I looked up all the books to get her I found out that they were all romance novels. I felt kinda cringe buying her romance novels so I looked at the common themes and found a really good fantasy novel to buy her instead called Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson. It has a romance in it too. I figure if she likes to read then she'd be happy to broaden her horizons and branch out. I also got her some Baby Yoda socks to go with it because who doesn't like Baby Yoda and some Bigelow tea that looked good.

We did the exchange this morning and she looked visibly confused when she opened hers. She changed her face to be surprised/happy but this really bothered me. In the break room later I heard her talking and complaining saying she didn't get why someone got her these things. The other person said "they probably were upset they got a woman instead of a man." Which I thought was rude (I'm a woman too I'm just not a "Pumpkin Spice Latte and Hallmark" woman). Then after I saw her give the socks to someone else saying they could have them for their kid!

I was honestly really bothered by this. I put thought and effort into a gift. AITA for getting her something to branch out of the hum drum romance genre and Baby Yoda socks? I thought EVERYONE liked baby Yoda.

[Reddit via Twitter]

The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit vote that the letter writer was a jerk to judge and disregard Sara's wishes. "The thought behind your gift is 'You are boring and I think you should change,'" one of them writes. "That makes for terrible gift giving." Read the rest of their answers.

Am I Wrong To Expect My Colleague To Be Available For Meetings At 8 AM?

My department works remotely, and we each choose our set hours, so long as they are within an hour or so of 8 AM to 5 PM. My colleague has chosen 8 to 5. However, when I try to schedule an 8 AM meeting, he says it's too early, and a little later is OK if I don't mind him eating breakfast. He says mornings are hard because of his morning workouts. He suggests meeting at 9 AM. Am I old-fashioned, thinking colleagues should be ready to work during their work day, unless their calendar is marked busy or out of the office?

[The New York Times]

Roxane Gay encourages the letter writer to be more flexible. "No one should ever schedule an 8 a.m. meeting. That is, indeed, far too early," she writes. "People need time to ease into the workday." Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Ask My In-Laws, Whom I've Known For 10 Years, If I Can Call Them By Their First Names?

I've been married for six months and have known my husband and his family for 10 years. I get along well enough with his parents, but they are MUCH more formal than mine and still haven't invited me to call them by their first names. Even when referring to each other in front of me, they might say, "Can you go and ask Mr. Smith if he would like some coffee?"

I'm a married woman in my thirties and a member of the family...it makes me feel infantilized and like an outsider to still be calling them Mr. and Mrs. At the same time, if I force the issue, I know I will make them equally uncomfortable. How do I navigate this?

[Slate]

Jenée Desmond-Harris sympathizes with the letter writer's discomfort but recommends not taking it personally. "I think the thing to do here is to file this request under 'My in-laws are weird because they are weird, not because of anything to do with me,' and roll with it," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

Is 'Words With Friends' A Form Of Online Flirting?

My wife is borderline addicted to "Words With Friends" (an app game similar to Scrabble), and it's causing me concern, in addition to creating some strife within our marriage. It would be one thing if she were only playing with other female players, but she also has an ongoing game with a former male classmate, which I consider to be a form of online flirting. Would you agree, or am I overreacting?

I still work, and my wife is retired, so when I'm ready for bed because I have to get up early, she is wide-awake and ready for late-night games with friends (one in particular). I have suggested repeatedly that she go to bed when I go, but she says she isn't sleepy and is a late-night person, so she stays up until 1 or 2 a.m. playing "Words With Friends." This continues to cause disharmony in our marriage, and it's something I have a hard time accepting as permissible.

[Creators]

Annie Lane rules that playing "Words With Friends" is not inherently flirtatious. "There's nothing wrong with connecting with old friends to play games online," she writes. "There is, however, something wrong with allowing anything to consume your life — be it alcohol, drugs, work, television or even 'Words With Friends.'" Read the rest of her answer.

LV Anderson is the news editor at Grist and an advice column aficionado.

Want more stories like this?

Every day we send an email with the top stories from Digg.

Subscribe