Can I Get My Employee Reassigned To Punish Her For Complaining About Not Getting Paid, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Can I Get My Employee Reassigned To Punish Her For Complaining About Not Getting Paid?
I'm not comfortable with one of my new staff members and how overconfident she is. Her work is great and she needed very little training but she's got very big britches.
"Jane" has only been with us for two months. Just today she asked for a meeting with me and our payroll manager. It turns out payroll made an error entering her direct deposit information that resulted in Jane not getting paid, not once but two times.
Our company requires potential candidates to complete sample assignments during the interview process and we pay them an hourly contractor rate. It turns out she didn't get paid for her assignment period, or for the next full pay cycle. The payroll employee apologized directly to Jane in an email, because it was their error in entering her information and not following up/fixing it that resulted in Jane not getting paid. Jane was able to show emails back and forth where she checked in with the payroll employee and asked if it was fixed, which they confirmed it was. Today was payday and Jane didn't get paid. She checked with the employee again and they acknowledged that they "thought" it was fixed. It's upsetting for Jane, I understand, but I think she was out of line about the whole thing. People make mistakes.
Neither payroll nor I knew anything about it until today. We both apologized and assured her the issue would be handled. After that, she looked at me and the payroll manager and said, "I appreciate your apology, but I need you both to understand that this can't happen again. This has put me under financial strain and I can't continue to work for COMPANY if this isn't corrected today."
The payroll manager was heavily in agreement, but I was speechless that she'd speak to management like that.
Payroll handled the whole thing and cut her a check with the okay from HR. Jane had referenced that not being paid put her in financial hardship and unable to pay bills, so HR allowed the use of the employee hardship fund and gave her $500 in gift cards so she can get groceries and gas and catch up on bills. I'm just kind of floored that she's getting gift cards after speaking to her superiors like that. I'm also uncomfortable because why is our company responsible for her fiscal irresponsibility? Her personal finances or debts are not the company's responsibility. I just don't think it's the company's responsibility to give her more than what she's earned (the extra $500 from the employee emergency relief fund) to fix things for her if she overspent or didn't prioritize her bills or save smartly. We also don't know if she is actually experiencing a financial hardship or just claiming she was.
HR allowed her paid time to go to the bank today and deposit her check. I told our HR person that while it's not okay Jane didn't get paid, the way she approached it was uncalled for. HR told me, "She's right, it can't happen again and it shouldn't have happened at all."
I'm getting tired of the respect gap I'm seeing with younger staff. I think Jane would be better suited in a different department. I'm not comfortable having her on my team since it's obvious she doesn't understand she's entry-level and not in charge. Should I wait a while before suggesting she transfer to a different department?
Alison Green informs the letter writer that their assessment of Jane's behavior is very wrong. "You're absolutely right that there's a respect gap in this situation — but it's from you toward your employees, not from Jane toward her employer," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Ask My Doctor Why He Doesn't Describe Me As 'Pleasant' In His Written Reports About Me?
How does a doctor decide whether they call a patient "pleasant" in their reports? I suffered a major injury a few years ago, and have needed a few reconstructive surgeries. I will likely need more in the future. I've found a surgeon who I think is excellent, aside from one thing.
Every other doctor who has treated me so far describes me in their reports as "pleasant." My surgeon does not, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I'm on time, friendly, polite, I defer to his expertise instead of coming armed with my own ideas of what might be wrong, and I follow his treatment plans. He seems warm and friendly; he doesn't seem to dislike me, yet I don't warrant a "pleasant"!
It took my last foot surgeon one year, two months, and three days after he performed surgery to describe me as "pleasant," so maybe I have to wait? I think about this every hour of every day. What can I do? Should I ask him? Do you have any doctor readers who may be able to offer input?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris points out that describing patients as "pleasant" is an arbitrary, somewhat outdated habit in the medical profession. "The fact that this is taking such a toll on you is, to me, enough to justify seeing a therapist to explore the patterns of thinking that are behind your obsession with something that ultimately hasn't harmed you at all," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Ex-Girlfriend That She Needs To Work On Her Tendency To Be Messy?
My girlfriend of five years and I are splitting up; it's completely amicable. We realized we both want different things long-term, so we will be moving out of our shared apartment within the next month. She will probably be living with a roommate.
Should I suggest that she work on her tendency to be messy, and if so, how? By messy, I mean she regularly leaves things throughout the apartment rather than putting them away or disposing of them. It bothered me a lot at first, but I learned to just clean up the small things myself or remind her when it got out of hand. It's possible that whomever she lives with next won't be as easygoing, but would saying anything at this point be helpful or sound like bitterness?
Carolyn Hax instructs the letter writer not to say anything. "I guess I'm just mystified why you're so concerned for the next roommate, or your ex's relationship with the next roommate," she writes. "Feels like the need for a last word/correction/dig more than anything else." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I, As A Thirtysomething Father Of Young Kids, Find Friends Who Still Want To Party Hard?
I am turning 38 this year. I'm a father of two with a third due in November — this time, a girl.
I've always had an exciting life and liked to party hard with my friends and sometimes with my wife. I like to live on the edge, but recently, things are changing.
My friends think they want to chill and not do the same things we have done in the past. My wife says I need to chill, too, and just take it easy.
I feel different this time around. I feel upset when they don't want to hang out and just have boys time. I can't sleep sometimes, and I fight with my inner self from time to time.
I do still go out and make new friends, but it's not the same, and they're not like my old ones. I don't feel happy about this whole situation.
What should I do?
[Creators]
Annie Lane urges the letter writer to reexamine his priorities. "As a father of almost three, you should put being a good role model and taking care of yourself to better support your family at the top of the list," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Salvage My 13-Year-Old Daughter's Social Life After Forbidding Her From Going Over To One Friend's House?
My husband and our kids recently moved into a new neighborhood. Our reason for moving was a better school district and bullying issues at the prior school which negatively affected my daughter Liz (13)…
Liz ended up having a great summer with the kids in the new neighborhood, and all of them would go house-hopping every day with some sleepovers. Unfortunately, there was a neighborhood birthday where all families were invited, but we left early to walk our dog, and one of the girl's mothers, "Grace," had a talking-to with all of the kids about how she felt they had not been playing nice with her daughter. Liz felt singled-out for scolding in particular. It really bothered me when Liz told me the story, so I told her she not to go over to Grace's house anymore. If you have a problem with my kid, you talk to me and you certainly don't have my permission to verbally ostracize her without me and especially in front of other people. I don't know her well — so confronting her was not an option.
Anyway, when the kids were playing and about to all go over to Grace's house one day a few weeks ago, Liz told the kids she could not go. Shortly after that, the kids stopped coming over to our house. Little by little, we saw the kids playing outside — but none of the kids were asking Liz to come out and play anymore. Then, other kids disconnected from Liz on online games. I also started to see social gatherings with all the kids at houses or birthday parties on social media — all the kids except my Lizzie. Grace's family also unfriended us on social media.
Obviously, if they are having gatherings and not inviting us or Liz — our family and my poor Lizzie has been excommunicated by many in the neighborhood. We are at a loss, as we moved to get away from the exact situation of mean girls, and it's happening all over again.
Only now, Liz can see it all unfolding from her windows upstairs.
At school she is adjusting fine, making some new friends and keeping A's and B's, but this neighborhood exclusion is triggering flashbacks of her old bullying friends and school, and she is sad and mopey at home, constantly talking about how she doesn't know why they are all excluding her and ignoring her. I bought her some books about why girls are mean and how to get over girl drama from Amazon. My husband is over talking about it and says we need to get over it: Not everyone is going to like you and it builds character. But this character-building is breaking Liz's heart and mine as well. What can I do to turn this around?
[Slate]
Allison Benedikt encourages the letter writer to step back and let Liz navigate this situation on her own. "I do think you could have talked (and still could talk) to Grace," she writes. "Who knows: Maybe Liz did something cruel to Grace's kid!" Read the rest of her answer.
Should My Wife Get Rid Of Her Wedding Ring From Her First Marriage?
My wife and I are both on our second marriages. We've been married for 23 years. Recently, she showed me her wedding band from her first marriage. I asked her to get rid of it. She refused. She said it's part of her history. This bothers me: The ring was given to her by another man with whom she exchanged vows and to whom she was married for six years. Your thoughts?
Philip Galanes agrees with the letter writer's wife. "The ring symbolizes a chapter in her life that is long finished (and probably ended unhappily)," he writes. "Try to let this go." Read the rest of his answer.
