The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

Five Years Later, And I'm Barely Discovering My Girlfriend's Kinky

We are a couple of 42 and 41 (her} Just found a cock vibrating ring in my gfs drawer. I came to her house, as I usually do and went to the toilet. Needed some cleaning floss, so I opened a drawer, and beneath a small bag I saw the ring. It was opened and clearly been used. Didn't say anything, and when she went for a shower, checked on her wardrobe drawers, and found another ring, boxed and unopened. And I also found some nipple suckers. At first I didn't even know what they were designed for, but goggled it. In 5 years it had never occurred to me to snoop around her drawers, but the findings in her bathroom, triggered it. Maybe it was wrong to do it, I don't know. We've been 5 years together, but we do not live together. As I mentioned in some replies, she is a quiet not outgoing person. Regarding sex, our relationships are satisfying for both . Her approach to sex, has never been too needy (or at least that's what she's been telling me) I always need to make the first move to initiate sex. She used to do blowjobs, not very much into it, but for some time now she stopped doing it, and she would just say no. When we talk about masturbation, she would say she has no need for it.. We've been together for 5 years, but do not live together. She also travels very often to her parents house some 300kms away and stays there for 3 weeks, then comes back and stays in my city for another 2 or 3 weeks. So our contact when not in the same city is by messaging or calling. Recently, I would say 2 months ago, contact from her side has become less and less constant and affectionate. Less callimg, hardly messaging, while before we were messaging almost everyday. We still do have sex, but in many occasions she is either tired, or she does not feel like doing ir. She tells me that she's having lots of work and presentations, so basically we go to sleep quite early and nothing happens. This is the broader picture of what's going on. If it wasbt for her "cold phase" at this moment, I wouldnt be so worried. But combined with finding of the ring, and never mentioning it or propose to use it together, fires up the alarms. I think I will ask her, not accusingly. What do you think I should do?

There are definitely two different things going on here, one is your concern that she is cheating on you and the other is that perhaps your sexual compatibility is so bad that she's never felt a desire to take it even further. Being kinky with your partner is a very vulnerable experience. There's always a good chance that what you're into might actually be perceived as either embarrassing or cringe by the other. It's wild how the most mundane things to some of us can be ultimate fantasies for others. The comments are pointing you in a lot of directions here, but I think you should approach her about this privately, and when it's not too late in the night. Don't go in gassed up with the cheating concern, you should wait and see what she says about having them first, and then reassess whether you need to take the discussion there. Read the rest of the thread here.

Bummed Because I Think I Was Ultimately My Hot Wife's 'Safe' Choice

Recently my wife of 15 years and I were talking about when we met and my she told me that she dated me because she knew I wouldn’t leave her. I didn’t know what that meant entirely but based on the larger conversation we had it basically confirmed my suspicion that she married me because I was safe. She told me that I could give her the life she wanted. This doesn’t mean financially I don’t think because we were both in college when we met and both 1 year out of college and broke when we got married. But she definitely married me because she thought I would make a good husband.

She told me that I was different than all the other guys she’d dated. For context my wife is beautiful and at 20 when I met her she was basically a 10, smoking hot. And I’ve seen some of the guys she’s dated. One of them was a firefighter who posed for one of those hot firefighter calendars, another was a minor league baseball player at the time that ended up going pro.

Now I’m not what I was at 23. I’ve grown up and become successful and I am a lot more confident in myself now as a 40 year old man but for some reason knowing that my wife married me because I was nice and safe doesn’t make me feel good.

I know I’m not alone in my situation. I’d like to hear from women who married a safe guy and men who are that safe guy. How do you feel about it? Am I just being overly insecure?

After seeing a lot of comments saying that you should take it as a compliment, I’m going to have to disagree with them. Everybody should feel desirable in a relationship, and I feel this should also apply to men. Honestly, what man can truly be so indifferent when it comes to being labeled undesirable by a partner? In my opinion, she's in the wrong, and even if she's still "smoking hot" and you're just some dude, she should put in the effort to make you feel special even if she tells you to go lift some weights afterward. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Husband Barely Stopped His Video Game To React To My Sext

Me (32F) and my husband (38M) are coming out of a long period of having a dead bedroom. Not everything is fixed yet, but we're making more of an effort to be intimate and flirty and touchy to make sure we don't slip back into old ways.

I was in the shower tonight and I decided to take a sexy photo to send to him. I've not been overly body confident for a long time (a contributing factor to our dead bedroom) so sending him something that wasn't perfectly staged and framed felt like I was pushing my boundaries.

I sent off the photo, got dressed, and went out to the living room. He was playing video games (which is fine!) and hadn't looked at the pic yet, so I went to play around on my phone on the other side of the room.

After 20 minutes he looks at the photo.

I was hoping for a 'wow you look gorgrous' or maybe even if I were lucky something a little more sexual.

Instead, he turns to me, and in the spookiest Count Dracula voice I've ever heard, says 'BooOOOoooOOOooooOOObsss!'

And replied to my picture with a gif of a ghost. And then went back to his game.

Now, I understand he may not have been expecting boobs and that was just his knee jerk reaction... But I can't help feel a bit confused? And maybe disappointed? I don't want him laughing or joking every time I send him a picture. Do I stop sending pictures? Do I pretend like the ghost boobs thing never happened and just get over it? Do I talk to him about it???

I'm a bit lost and would appreciate some other perspectives on this please

This was really just too safe of an effort to get a real response, especially if he's got a game on his mind with teammates and whatnot. Listen, I love all the input from the comments, but the only way you're going to know for sure is by asking him yourself. Your sexting game is just going to have to improve if you want to revive that dead bedroom. While staying within your boundaries as a couple, you need to figure out something that works and turns you both on — at the very least, aim for something that’ll get his attention the next time he’s playing “Fortnite,” with the bros online. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Family’s Mother's Day Is Already Off To A Bad Start

I (39M) have two daughters from an ex-relationship that ended about fifteen years ago. If you do the math, you'll see that my ex (38F) and I had our children rather young. Both of my daughters are over sixteen, my eldest is 19F, and her sister is still a minor. The mother of my children and I have definitely had our ups and downs but over the last ten years we have put our differences and (past) bitterness aside for the wellbeing of our children. I see my daughters often and have wonderful relationships with both of them. The problem comes from an argument I had with my girlfriend (39F) earlier today.

I come home for my lunch break, my girlfriend is doing work on her laptop on the couch. I start to make lunch in the kitchen and I remembered that I had wanted to call a local flower shop to preorder some flowers for Mother's Day. I call the floral shop and I order two arrangements: one for the mother of my kids and the other for my mother. After I finish the call I hang up and take my lunch into the living room, where my girlfriend immediately glares at me over her computer.

I ask her what's wrong and she flips. Her argument is the following:

It's disrespectful to her, as my girlfriend, to be buying my ex flowers.

I didn't place any order to buy her flowers, she is a stepmom

My daughters are old enough to where I should not have to talk to my ex anymore

I argued back that I have always bought flowers for their mother on Mother's Day. (This made her more upset because she was unaware, she claims she needs to be aware of any and all gifts I give to my ex). I told her that buying her flowers for Mother's Day was unnecessary because she wasn't a stepmom.

I had this conversation with my eldest daughter about two years ago when I was about to ask my now girlfriend out. My daughter told me then that she didn't want another mom or a stepmom because she already had a mom and felt she was too old to add another maternal or paternal figure into her life. She is respectful of my girlfriend but both of my daughters call her by her name, she is not a stepmom.

I made her cry and that wasn't my intention, however I did want to make the boundary very clear that my ex will always be in the picture, we had this conversation before we had started dating. It's not like once my daughters turn 18 we no longer need to speak ever again, we have been through a lot and are completely civil. I want to emphasize that there is NOTHING there with my ex anymore, but we will share the same grandchildren (and children!) for the rest of our lives. I wanted to set that boundary now out of respect for my daughters if anything. I do not want my girlfriend to influence my co-parenting situation at all, but how do I keep the peace but stand my ground?

I’m getting the vibe that your girlfriend is more so tolerated by your kids, just by the way they interact with her. She’s not wrong for feeling left out, but how she’s going about it is creating a lot of unneeded drama. By the looks of it, she either needs to step up and frankly earn this acknowledgment, or, maybe, make it clearer to you what she’s already been doing to. Personally, if she’s indeed interested in helping raise these kids, then I say you owe her an apology and some makeup gifts already. However, I still feel she just doesn’t want to accept what it means to potentially marry into your family, which also includes maintaining the lifelong relationship of your girls and their biological mother. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Pixabay]