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frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   128 days ago

"I'd just love to like rub myself with pork" -- thats what she said
"I do not require a pork-rub" -- that's what she said
"Audra? AUDRA?!" -- that's what she said
"Good luck with your turtle-getting endeavor." that's what...wait...not sure that works.

I'm assuming that since you have joined the "That's what she said" craze, you must be a fellow viewer of The Office. That's twice as good as Harvard in my book. You just keep increasing your awesome factor exponentially. Those MIT parties sound...fun? Actually, Harvard parties might be lame too. I think if you attend a Harvard party you might blend in better if you talk about obscure historical figures. Like, "Hey, that King Jie of the Xia Dynasty was a real bastard. Thank god he was overthrown by King Cheng Tang. Hah!...tang!...tang is awesome. You know that was invented for space? Wicked." Maybe leave out the tang bit, as they may suspect you to be a poser. If they do discover your ruse, just ask them if they like apples and when they say they do...extend your middle fingers and shout, "How bout' them apples? Suck it eggheads!"

If you ever do decide to cover yourself with pork-rub residue, I would be happy to assist you. I would fly to Boston for that. Actually, I would fly to Siberia for that. But I'm sure that creepy girl was right, you probably do not need pork's aromatic assistance in the scent department. I must say...you are sooo lucky. You totally got hit on by a lesbian with a smell fetish. That almost never happens to me.

Okay...I re-apologize...only this time for NOT lying to you. I AM a total badass. That little story was nothing. Epic? Hah. I just didn't want you to get jealous with how freakin' brutal I really am. You want the truth...I'm not really a 26 year old dude from St. Louis. I am a fire breathing magic dragon named Puff. I know what you're thinking, "Puff the Magic Dragon" I must be named after that song. The truth is, my parents were total dragon potheads. They thought it would be funny if they named me Puff. My mother smoked all through her pregnancy so I was born with a deformed gimp wing and I can only fly in corkscrews. Luckily, I had my magic and fire breathing to fall back on. I started out doing magic shows at children's birthday parties. I did all the classic routines. Pick a card, rabbit out of a hat, coin behind the ear...child swallowing. It's kind of like sword swallowing, only with children...and I may have accidentally eaten three kids. But, alas, I wasn't satisfied with my life as a dragon magician. I turned to the dark side, using my dragon abilities for evil. I would go to nursing homes and shoot fireballs at the elderly. I'd find some of the really slow ones and then I'd close off one of my nostrils with my finger...give a little snort...and shoot mini balls o' flame at the old farts. I wouldn't hit any of them...I just liked to see how fast they could shuffle away with their walkers. I did singe one old dude...but one of his tennis balls came off the walker and it slowed him down. I did significantly reduce his ear hair problem though.

So...badass enough for you? Thought so.

I appreciate your sternness concerning my health. I'll tell my doctor that I'm not allowed to feel bad anymore. I might need a signed note or something. Notarized if possible. I'm sure it will work, but don't get your hopes up. I'm afraid my kind of "not feeling well" may not be easily defeated. I've reached a sort of medical impasse at the moment. I tend to get a lot of well educated people shaking their heads and shrugging their shoulders. Then that is followed by them flipping through some papers on a clip board, followed by several hmm's, and then they do that muffled "I don't know" thing. I'm not sure how to type that sound..."ah-ooo-oh" maybe. So I'm kind of stuck not feeling well until they figure something out, which could be a while. Maybe they are just procrastinating because they are all vampires and my blood is just super tasty. They really seem to enjoy depleting me of it quite often...for "tests." They must be stockpiling it for the vampire apocalypse. Anyway...I have a baseline level of "not feeling well" that is normal for me. I'm used to feeling that way. So lets call that "feeling good," in my case. When I wrote you last, I was feeling much worse than that. So in order to follow your mandate of not, not feeling well, I must not dip below that point of "normal". I think that is a reasonable compromise. Deal?

102.7 degrees? That's just cuz yer so hot. Get it?

My PS3 joke:
How many PS3's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to brag about how PS3's screw in light bulbs better than XBOX's...even though the end result seems to appear the same.

I may have to postpone getting Shamus McNinjaturtle for a while. Turtles live for a hundred years...so there's time. I have to be sure I won't kill him before I get him. That seems important. I'm sure you won't kill your fish. You are almost as good at naming things as me. If I had a fish, I would name him Mr. Fish. Okay, you might be better at naming fish than me.

I am felling "better" so you don't have to smack me at the moment. But if you ever do have to smack me, please ignore the girlish scream that comes after. I would gladly accept your aim screen name. They just added aim to gmail chat, so we might actually have a real life virtual conversation. That makes me nervous. These magic dragon jokes take time...chatting is so...instant. But I'd love to bug you and distract you from your studies. I'm a horrible influence. I'm going to use peer pressure to make you do bad things. Like steal wifi and download torrents. I look forward to talking to you. Good luck on your finals. When in doubt, choose "C."

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   139 days ago

I'm having a bad comment day. Whatever you do, don't ever say anything bad about the Playstation 3. They dugg me a new one. You seem to be digging less lately, you haven't been on Yahoo Buzz or something, have you? I'm just sitting here waiting for the cable guy. Seriously. He should be here any minute between now and 4 hours from now.

I was thinking about that story I told about my grade school bully and I think I may have unintentionally lied to you. I think my imagination and fantasy of how I like to remember that tale might have overwritten the actual memory of that tale. When I got to thinking about it, a 360 degree rotation would violate the laws of physics. I think over the years that fish just kept getting bigger as I told the story. This storytelling phenomena is what I like to call "Die Hard-ing it up" or "Die Hard-ization." In reality, the bully hit me and went flying forward with no rotation. But it was still a pretty spectacular display of ragdoll physics. He must have flew forward like 30 feet. Or maybe 10 feet. Shit, I'm doing it again. Plus I'm not great with distances. He flew anywhere from 0 to 200 feet. That should do it. This would be easier if this country would just go metric. So I apologize for lying to you, I promise it was the only time. Well...dammit...okay...I didn't have a bunny named Mr. Fluffers. I wasn't allowed to have a bunny. I would go to the mall as a kid and spend all my money on the arcade. When I was waiting for the parental units to arrive with transportation, I would go into Pass Pets across from the arcade. I would go straight to the bunnies and poke my finger through the cage, awkwardly petting the bunny I called Mr. Fluffers. It was never the same bunny, but I pretended not to notice. That was a little tricky sometimes when the bunny had spots one week and the next week had none. But I really wanted that bunny. We eventually got a dog name MacGyver instead, and he was an awesome dog, but I did sometimes imagine him with a fluffy tale and rabbit ears. So, Mr. Fluffers was a real 30 or so bunnies...it wasn't a complete lie...but I apologize anyway. I'm looking into getting a new pet. A turtle. I don't know if I will or not, but I have a name picked out. Shamus McNinjaturtle. Don't steal that...it's mine. That's all for now. I hope all is well in Audra-ville. Peas be with you. And carrots too.

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   154 days ago

I'm glad we were able to settle this dispute regarding your outward appearance. When they said I could get a PhD in only two weeks, I was a bit skeptical, but $85 and two weeks later I was a bona fide doctor, just like they said. And that diploma is absolutely real. Someone would have to be absolutely crazy...with wayyyy too much free time...in order to spend an hour and a half making that in Photoshop.

Your pork roast plan is flawed. Pork roasts do smell good, but that has no effect on your own personal scent. The better solution would be to rub yourself down with pork roast and then attend school. As far as your schoolyard adversary goes...I admire your restraint of only bludgeoning his intestines. I'm afraid that I had a whole posse of bully types always up in my grill. I finally switched schools and the situation improved immensely. I chose dysentery because it's a slow painful death that rots you from the inside. Though, much like your punch in the gut, I did get revenge on one of my taunters. It was 5th grade and he was a huge hockey jock. He loved going around "checking" everyone. If you are unfamiliar...this is the part of hockey in which you head towards someone, shoulder first, with the intent of knocking them on their keister. He was a short kid with a mean temperament, much like a crazed chihuahua. He especially delighted in checking me. But since I had a good deal more mass than him, he would just kind of...bounce off. He was not large enough to take me down, but he was quite speedy, so all of his kinetic energy was directed into the same single point on my shoulder...leaving massive bruises. I got fed up and I decided to use my superior wits to stop this situation. Him being a simpleton made this easy. I told him that I would give him the opportunity for the "ultimate check." I would turn my back, give him a huge running start, and he was free to check me one last time as hard as he possibly could. His eyes lit up like a boy getting a BB gun on Christmas day. But what he didn't know was that he was about to get his metaphorical eye shot out. I arranged my only two friends to stand on either side of me. They had instructions to yell, "Now!" at the very moment he was behind me. The monstrous midget took a huge running start, my friends yelled out, and I ducked down into a ball. His shoulder hit nothing...but his legs...they plowed right into my back. The resulting ragdoll physics that occurred I have since only seen in video games. He flew over me, rotated a complete 360 degrees and landed on his knees, palms, and face...sliding several feet forward on the school blacktop. Bloodied and humiliated, he looked at me and said nothing. The bell rang to end recess and he just walked inside. He never checked me again.

True story. I hope you enjoyed my tale of revenge. I'm going to end here I think. I haven't been feeling well, which is too often the case with me, and I am in short supply of comedy juice. I haven't come up with many humorous comments in the last few days. I think I might be jaded since I got 375 diggs on one of them. I may have used up all my comedy juice on transgender kangaroos and killer platypusseses. I do enjoy making you laugh, hopefully I will continue to do so. Be well, my Boston dwelling friend. Oh...you don't happen to go to Harvard, do you? I've always wanted a friend from Harvard. It doesn't matter...you're cool as hell either way. Live long and perspire.

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   159 days ago

So...in order to finally settle this dispute over whether or not you are an attractive individual, you say I have to provide official credentials that I am a credible ogler of the women folk? I don't have a badge or a certificate...will this do?

http://bullfroggerblog.net/00%20BLOGFILES/diploma. ...

I hope that will suffice. My last name rhymes with "smelly" if you were wondering. They had a lot of fun with that fact in grade school. Ben Grelle is smelly. Smelly Grelle. Lot's of equally clever variations. But I'm totally over it...sort of...I still kinda, sorta hope they all die from amoebic dysentery...but only on occasion.

Your video gaming has not caused an urge for me to propose yet. If you were a hardcore gamer it might have been a different story, but since you run into walls in Halo, we should be okay. I have a love/hate relationship with Halo. It's a great game, but I am getting really sick of 12 year old boys with high pitched voices kicking my ass all of the time. I've played "car-driving-game-that-Dan-never-told-me-the-name-of." It's pretty cool. I think "car-driving-game-that-Dan-never-told-me-the-name-of: Part 2" has better graphics though. I totally suck at racing games...so you would probably win if we played. I haven't played Geometry Wars yet, but my nickname in high school was "spazzy sperm." It's better than Smelly Grelle, I guess.

I have been setting up a place for you in my imagination. I have been trying to follow your criteria and I think it is coming along nicely. I have run into a few problems. My imagination is awfully crowded and I had trouble finding a decent location. I found a nice condominium, but it is in a bit of a rough neighborhood. It's in a suburb adjacent to the things that scared me as a child. The boogie monster...Freddy Krueger...One-eyed Willy...Care Bears...Bea Arthur. And there may occasionally be some sort of creature under your bed. But the proper use of a night light should keep you from any harm. Also, there will be some roommates. I have sort of a menagerie of imaginary animals that need a place to stay. They are all very cool and I promise they won't get in the way. There is Karl the Transgender Kangaroo. He is saving up his money for gender reassignment surgery and a pouch implant. Until then, he tucks everything out of sight and wears a fanny pack. Then there is Perry the Homicidal Platypus. His name sounds scarier than it is. As you may or may not know, platypi...platypusses...umm...whatever the plural of platypus is...they have venomous feet. Perry used to be a serial killer. He would find his victims sleeping in the nude, stomp on their back for a while, and then they would die from platypus venom. He was convicted and almost sentenced to death, but the judge decided to make him wear thick socks instead. And because of his duckbill, he is unable to take them off. You may wake up to him violently stomping on your back yelling, "die! die! die!"...but since he has the socks...it actually turns out to be more of a pleasant back massage than a murderous attack. And lastly is Ralph, my attack triceratops. He mostly stays outside in the dinosaur house. He is very good protection, so he will keep you safe. I told him not to eat you, so you can pet him if you like.

The condo has a thermostat, so you can set it however you want. There are skylights...so that should take care of the partly sunny bit. I wasn't able to conjure up a trampoline, but I did imagine up one of those bouncy castles. Hopefully that will work. Luckily, I am constantly dreaming of giant televisions so you are free to use the 110 inch plasma. I am having a little trouble with the TV reception. For some reason it only plays reruns of "Dog the Bounty Hunter." I guess you could watch DVD's instead, but I seem to only have "Weekend at Bernie's." I'll have to install some sort of mental Netflix or something. Wifi, the magic food, and the magic door will be installed on Thursday. Not sure exactly when, but the wifi/magic food and door guy said it would be between 9am and 7pm. I hate waiting for the wifi/magic food and door guy. At least I can watch "Weekend at Bernie's" until he gets there. Oh...there is one other thing. It is a little embarrassing. For some reason, all of the women that live in my imagination seem to suffer from...umm...a lack of clothing. I'm not sure why that is. I really don't want to offend you, so I promise I will devote a little extra concentration to keep you in sensible attire. If there is a weak moment and your clothes start to disappear, I may have to put you in a bear costume. Humorous costumes seem to ward off perversion in my mind. And when you go to sleep at night, you will have to wear Spider-man footy pajamas. But seriously, who doesn't love Spider-man footy pajamas? I'd still be wearing them if they made them in adult sizes.

Well...I think that about covers it...welcome to my imagination. Perry, Karl, and Ralph are excited to meet you. I'm going to go now. Someone said it was pie day today. I'm hoping that means there is going to be free pie somewhere. Imagine you later.

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   166 days ago

Mufasa it is. I used to love saying it too. In high school, I use to whisper it when the teacher was writing on the chalkboard. She would turn around and ask who said it and no one squealed on me. It annoyed the hell out of her. I do wish I could go back and do it with jazz hands. That's a nice touch.

I think both you and I might suffer from a little bit of the self deprecation. My vision is fine. You are cute...and I am a qualified judge of such things. I have lots of experience in the shallow practice of ogling the women folk. You sort of have a Lisa Loeb thing going on. Hopefully you like Lisa Loeb and aren't totally offended. If offense has occurred...substitute Tina Fey. Some chicks can really rock the spectacles. I think you qualify. I have decided that you are a figment of my imagination rather than a pervy 85 year old. I've done the pervy old guy thing already and the sex was okay...but he didn't like to cuddle afterwards. So I was like, "No thanks Grampa...I needs ta spoon."

I'm afraid my experiment with the coconuts and the light bulbs didn't pan out. Apparently you need limbs to screw in a light bulb. The coconuts would roll towards a light bulb and when they made contact, it would just roll in a circle and whack them from behind. However, I did have some success with the bar outing and the religious folks.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, and a coconut named Wilbur walk into a bar. Actually, Wilbur just kind of rolled. The three servants of the Big Guy see the coconut, huddle together, and decide to place a wager. They will all give their best sales pitch to the coconut and whomever can convert the coconut to their faith, gets free drinks. The priest approaches Wilbur and says, "Son...I'd like to talk to you about the wonderful world of Catholicism. If you convert to this religion, descended straight from Jesus Christ himself, you will enjoy delightful services that are fully catered with wine and Jesus crackers. We have lovely stained glass windows, lots of great sing-a-longs, and of course...story time. We also offer absolute forgiveness for any sin. So if you decide to kill a bunch of people...no problem. Just say you're sorry and your ticket to heaven is in the bag. Also, I have this certificate showing you that my parish is 100% molestation free for the last 30 days. So no worries about me touching your...umm...your...whatever you have that you don't want touched. So...what do you say?" Wilbur takes a sip from his appletini and politely declines the priest's invitation. Next, the rabbi walks over and prepares his pitch. "Hello there, little fella. How would you like to be one of God's chosen people... umm... I mean fruit ...chosen fruit. You would be joining one of the world's most ancient religions still in practice today. We have tons of holidays to get you out of work and on every Saturday...you don't have to do shit. If you convert today I will give you this coupon for a 1 year exemption of Jewish guilt and a SpongeBob SquarePants yarmulka. How bout it?" Again the coconut declined, leaving only the minister to sway Wilbur's beliefs. "Hello there my child. I am here to tell you that our Lord Jesus Christ can save you from your sinful ways. In the Good Book...Leviticus chapter 18, verse 22...it says "Thou shalt not be a coconut, it is abomination." But do not fear my friend, for there is salvation for you. Being a coconut is a choice, and I have the solution to correct this choice you have made. For the modest donation of 499 dollars and 99 cents, you can attend my groundbreaking 'Jesus Camp for Coconuts.' A two week rehabilitation retreat that will cure you of your coconut ways. I guarantee that by the grace of God and the Holy Ghost, you will no longer have the urges of a coconut and you will be free of your sinful coconut acts. So I ask you, my son, will you donate for salvation?" Wilbur once again declines, puzzling all of the clergymen. They band together and ask Wilbur why he declined to join any of their religions. Wilbur took another sip of his appletini and said, "Well...back in the 80's I was working on a movie called "Cocktail." I was hired as a stunt coconut and between takes I got to talking to this Tom Cruise guy. He told me about this fantastic new religion called Scientology." These men of faith rolled their eyes in disbelief and exclaimed, "How can you believe in that nonsense?" Wilbur looked up once again and said, "Well...I guess I'm just coco-NUTS!"

The punchline is among one of my corniest...but I still like it. Good luck on your bunny hunt...I want pictures of Mr. Fluffers II when you get him. Seacrest out.

P.S. If I promise not to propose to you, will you tell me if you play video games?

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   169 days ago

The African baby hasn't been working out so well. I suppose I was unaware of the responsibility I was signing up for. Apparently these babies have to eat almost every day. They have ample bodily functions which I thought didn't happen until they were older. I know I didn't pee until I was at least 5. I had to get some noise canceling headphones to sleep in because the damn thing is always crying when I'm trying to get some shuteye. I put some lettuce in his crib...just like I used to do with Mr. Fluffers (my now deceased bunny) but that doesn't seem to appease him. Also, he has an African name that I cannot pronounce nor spell. So I have decided to give him a new name, but I am torn as to what to call him. I want to respect his heritage and give him an easier, more pronounceable African name, but the only ones that I know are Mufasa and Simba. In the mean time, I have been calling him Lenny. I'm sure I'll get the hang of this child rearing eventually...I bought a book called "How to Raise Your New African Baby." That should help.

I must say, and please don't think I am being forward, but you are quite possibly the coolest chick ever. You're smart, funny...and at least from the perspective of a tall individual...rather attractive. You enjoy the world of Geekdom and you are a fellow lover of coconut based comedy. You know about Opera and Firefox. I find it hard to believe that you really exist. I always thought girls like you were mythical. You know...like unicorns, leprechauns, or Chuck Norris. If you enjoy video games at all, you probably shouldn't mention that to me. I may have some sort of instinctive nerd response to propose marriage to you. Which is problematic because I can't afford a ring, which means I'd have to steal it, but I am unwise in the ways of thievery, which means I would probably get caught and end up in jail. Plus, there would be the awkward moment where you would most definitely reject my proposal and I would start crying in prison, which would show weakness. And then because of my display of weakness, a large African-American fellow known only as "Tiny" would prove his name to be pure irony as he violates my rectum. So...for my sake...if you enjoy playing video games...you should probably keep that to yourself.

Anyway, just to make sure I maintain your fandom and seeing your disappointment from my current lack of coconut based humor...I have begun working on new comedic coconut material. So far I have..."How many coconuts does it take to screw in a light bulb?" I don't have an answer yet, but I have bought several coconuts and light bulbs. I will be experimenting later today and hopefully I will have the answer soon. After that, I plan on making the coconuts walk into a bar with several forms of religious clergy to see what ensues. Until then...stay cool daddio.

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   177 days ago

You should be sure to note that it is only the radical fascist coconuts that are out to kill us. Most coconuts are living peaceful coconut lives just hanging around and being delicious. But you are right, there is a conspiracy brewing. I think the coconuts are pissed at us for torturing them in our secret coconut prisons. Have you ever seen coconut milk? How do you think we get that? I don't see any udders. That's coconut torture. What I truly fear is that the coconuts may ally themselves with pineapple sympathizers. With the coconut's deadly dropping abilities and the pineapple's outer spiky-ness, they could duct tape themselves together to make fruits of mass destruction (FMD's). And they could easily lure humans into traps with their tropical tastiness. I think we should pass a bill to stop the milking of coconuts and hopefully we can start healing this vendetta against us before it's too late.

Did I take that too far? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm out of coconut material. I'm sorry about your Opera problems. I always have an alternate browser installed just in case a particular website is giving me trouble. Firefox has been good to me so far. I wish you would have told me sooner about kicking Kevin Rose. He was just in St. Louis...I could have kicked him on your behalf. In any case, I promise never to forget my very first fan. The little people are all important to me. I take my celebrity very seriously. I'm off to adopt an African baby. Toodles.

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   180 days ago

Yeah, a lot of people have the wrong impression of coconuts and don't realize the danger they pose. I blame Gilligan. Whenever a coconut hit him on the head, all he got was amnesia or an odd dream sequence. I try to be consistent with the funny, and I have been doing pretty well lately, but I miss the mark occasionally. Negative diggs really hurt the ego. Generally, I just try to think of the strangest thing my brain can come up with and type it in the little box. I'll do my best to deserve your fandom, and maybe I'll shout your way every once in a while. I have to keep in touch with my fans so that my head doesn't get too big, ya know? Fame can be a bitch.

frogman54 sent a shout to dancingnacho   180 days ago

You are my first fan. AND you are a female on Digg. What are the chances of two such occurrences happening at the same time? They must be less than being hit by lightning or death via a falling coconut (150 coconut fatalities per year). Anyway, nice to meet you.

sheesha sent a shout to dancingnacho   267 days ago

i dig you!