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Amazon Book Reviews (by someone who hasn't read the books!) - Hilarious

amazon.com — these are hilarious!!

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  • FlakMonkey, on 10/12/2007, -7/+253I have not actually looked at this story but I think that any story that has more words in parenthesis than not definitely deserves a comment.
    • Bullsnot, on 10/12/2007, -81/+16A comment about a story he hasnt read, on a story about reviewing books he hasnt read.
    • Schug, on 10/12/2007, -46/+5At least I know it's hilarious.
    • Terc, on 10/12/2007, -5/+52So... what's this reviewer's Digg account name?
    • jimmay, on 10/12/2007, -30/+8I have not actually read your comment, but it definitely wasn't me
    • jonswift, on 10/12/2007, -26/+104You can read my blog at http://jonswift.blogspot.com or you may just want to review it without actually reading it.
    • titlesaysitall, on 10/12/2007, -20/+9Why Digg John down guys?
    • fizzyalex, on 10/12/2007, -4/+13Maybe they don't realize its the guy, they think its a random dude that's blog spamming.

      PS. It's the guy
    • darkdaedra, on 10/12/2007, -2/+36I have not read Mr. Swift's blog, but his name is clearly a reference to the novel, Gulliver's Travels, which was written by Jonathan Swift in the early 18th century. It was a subversive novel that seemed to suggest horses were better than humans. I've never spoken to a horse, but am against them in principle. I cannot recommend Mr. Swift's blog as his equine inclinations have no place on a computer screen.
    • vikramkr, on 10/12/2007, -9/+1I found something ironic in Jon Swift's blog. Here's his introduction:

      "I am a reasonable conservative who likes to write about politics and culture. Since the media is biased I get all my news from Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and Jay Leno monologues."

      The second half of that statement is quite disturbing. Since the media is BIASED, you get ALL of your news from FOX NEWS, Rush LIMBAUGH and Jay Leno? Wow...bias overload.
    • ZetSabre, on 10/12/2007, -0/+5Vikramkr,

      The original Jonathan Swift was a famous satirist. One of his most famous works, "A Modest Proposal," was a critique of the views that the upper-class of England had on Ireland. However, on the surface, it was about eating babies.

      Read into what "Jon Swift" says and realize that it's only a joke. It's Political satire much like the jokes of Stephen Colbert.
  • mbiker80, on 10/12/2007, -81/+8To Jon Swift (the Amazon reviewer in question): You have chosen to review those dumb Right-wing Neocons. Yet, you blatantly disregarded the great literary works of Liberal essayists. You, Sir, are clearly a bigoted and intolerant individual!
    • Feanaro, on 10/12/2007, -12/+40I am sure the best way to reach this Jon Smith quickly is by posting your letter as a comment on digg. Well done.
  • i440, on 10/12/2007, -3/+91Comments on Digg are usually of similar quality and are created using similar amounts of research
    • titlesaysitall, on 10/12/2007, -5/+86I have not actually read your comment so I don't know what I am replying to,
    • djlosch, on 10/12/2007, -4/+21on WoW forums, people say TLDR (too long didnt read). here on digg, people act like they read the article from start to finish - nevermind just scanning it or bypassing it entirely.
    • abqjudy, on 10/12/2007, -3/+3Well not usually, but frequently enough to make one bonkers. Most sites don't let one digg them down so we can just ignore them. As a retired teacher I can say, that one must develop a tolerance for BS in every forum. Hang in there.
  • gd007, on 10/12/2007, -14/+23i digg this without reading it!
  • kysle, on 10/12/2007, -3/+13Amazing how helpful his reviews are, too!
  • squenix1221, on 10/12/2007, -4/+30"I have not actually read this book but I feel very sorry for Mr. Medved. It must be difficult being a film critic who hates films and the people who make them and I wonder if he wouldn't have been happier in some other line of work. I also think it must be very lonely for him being one of the only Jews in Hollywood. When I read in the Washington Post review above the story of how he was forced to choose between his religious faith and the opportunity to go on the Tonight Show and make fat jokes about Elizabeth Taylor I was very moved and it reminded me of the film Chariots of Fire (a movie he probably hated). I'm glad the problem was resolved and he was able to go on the Tonight Show and make fun of Elizabeth Taylor after all, but then it occurred to me that she is also Jewish and maybe he could have had at least one friend in Hollywood. That made me sad to think about."
  • unversed, on 10/12/2007, -24/+6I have not actually read the reviews, but i'm sure that they are lame
  • theslake, on 10/12/2007, -7/+6This is hilarious. I look forward to seeing more non-reviews from Mr. Smith. In fact, I think he should be on A&E.
  • gregulate, on 10/12/2007, -15/+40Man, I was expecting these comments to actually be funny...but they weren't.
    • RadiatedAnt, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2stupid baby´s need the most attention - The Simpsons
  • leoCT, on 10/12/2007, -3/+27Best thing is the friggin tank which Amazon sells and the guy also reviewed. A friggin TANK for only 20k. The reviews there are hilarious.
    • exabytes18, on 10/12/2007, -19/+3I submitted the link to that badonkadonk tank several weeks ago, but it wasn't dugg. :-/
    • herro, on 10/12/2007, -0/+8maybe because it had already been on the front page before.
    • ejan, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Isn't that the thing from Return of the Jedi?
  • magixx, on 10/12/2007, -4/+15"I have not actually read this book but James Frey says that only 12 pages of his book are untrue and I think that's a pretty good average. I think it's a great and compelling book and recommend it highly. Only 12 words of this review are untrue. Can you guess which ones they are?"
    • kafka47, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2"I think it's a great and compelling book and recommend it highly."

      - these 12. This guy is brilliant, lol!
  • ChewyChewbacca, on 10/12/2007, -8/+0Amazing.
  • MarkHarrison, on 10/12/2007, -2/+15A few gems buried under a lot of fairly obvious stuff.

    For those of us "over a certain age", then the McCarthy Hearings comment was wonderful - I genuinely had tears running down my face at that one.

    Are you now, or have you ever been, a digg commenter?
  • Cymrubeats, on 10/12/2007, -14/+7http://jonswift.blogspot.com/
  • reddevil3, on 10/12/2007, -5/+3"I have not actually read this book but I'm a little puzzled that Ms. Malkin would have written it. Although she is a woman and not white she often attacks women and believes that we should be suspicious of people who are not white, which is very open-minded of her."

    Michelle Malkin is a nutjob.
  • Bullsnot, on 10/12/2007, -4/+16Brokeback review:
    Great movie but not gay, January 18, 2006
    I have not actually read this book but I did see the movie and I liked it very much. However, I don't understand why people keep referring to it as the "gay cowboy movie." Can't two men be very good friends without everybody saying they're gay?
    • repruhsent, on 10/12/2007, -8/+2I didn't actually read the review but your comment made me laugh my ass off.

      How could he see the movie and NOT think the cowboys were gay?
    • felchdonkey, on 10/12/2007, -0/+5repruhsent - You have a severely underdeveloped humor gland.
  • ImTheDarkcyde, on 10/12/2007, -1/+21http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A1EYSAG06N5UOI/

    this guys review of "The Story About Ping", a childrens book about a duck named ping, makes me laugh every time
    • Bamborzled, on 10/12/2007, -1/+11"8176 of 8419 people found the following review helpful"
    • ipodman715, on 10/12/2007, -1/+19***** Ping! I love that duck!, January 25, 2000
      "PING! The magic duck!

      Using deft allegory, the authors have provided an insightful and intuitive explanation of one of Unix's most venerable networking utilities. Even more stunning is that they were clearly working with a very early beta of the program, as their book first appeared in 1933, years (decades!) before the operating system and network infrastructure were finalized.

      The book describes networking in terms even a child could understand, choosing to anthropomorphize the underlying packet structure. The ping packet is described as a duck, who, with other packets (more ducks), spends a certain period of time on the host machine (the wise-eyed boat). At the same time each day (I suspect this is scheduled under cron), the little packets (ducks) exit the host (boat) by way of a bridge (a bridge). From the bridge, the packets travel onto the internet (here embodied by the Yangtze River).

      The title character -- er, packet, is called Ping. Ping meanders around the river before being received by another host (another boat). He spends a brief time on the other boat, but eventually returns to his original host machine (the wise-eyed boat) somewhat the worse for wear.

      If you need a good, high-level overview of the ping utility, this is the book. I can't recommend it for most managers, as the technical aspects may be too overwhelming and the basic concepts too daunting.

      Problems With This Book

      As good as it is, The Story About Ping is not without its faults. There is no index, and though the ping(8) man pages cover the command line options well enough, some review of them seems to be in order. Likewise, in a book solely about Ping, I would have expected a more detailed overview of the ICMP packet structure.

      But even with these problems, The Story About Ping has earned a place on my bookshelf, right between Stevens' Advanced Programming in the Unix Environment, and my dog-eared copy of Dante's seminal work on MS Windows, Inferno. Who can read that passage on the Windows API ("Obscure, profound it was, and nebulous, So that by fixing on its depths my sight -- Nothing whatever I discerned therein."), without shaking their head with deep understanding. But I digress."

      lol
  • JackandCoke, on 10/12/2007, -7/+5I'd Like to take "I Have No Life or Will to Live" for 500, Alex.
  • Wavey, on 10/12/2007, -1/+15My favorite is still the milk reviews:
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/B00032G1S0/ref=cm_rev_sort/002-6635482-3528859?customer-reviews.sort_by=%2BSubmissionDate&x=5&y=14&s=gourmet-food

    Sort by the oldest ones first.
    • jeet404, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2The best one I think. That's the funniest thing I have read in a while :')

      "write to you to express the joy in the depth of my heart for this product.

      Having lost my leg in a terrible aquarium accident I was left a cripple whose only pleasure came from thai ladyboys dressed like richard nixon.

      But now through the miracle of Tucson milk I am able to live like a man again. So great was its ability to strengthen bone that my missing left leg has grown back (well just the bone) and I am able to once again statisfy a woman.

      No more shall those poor boys have to suffer saying 'I am not a crook' while dressed in satin."
  • TomS64, on 10/12/2007, -2/+6Well, at least he told you he didn't read the book unlike most other bashers/reviews.
  • gamesector, on 10/12/2007, -12/+3Just not funny.
  • aMuse38, on 10/12/2007, -7/+4hilarious :) especially the last one.
  • diafel, on 10/12/2007, -11/+6I didn't find a single funny review.
  • Peacedog, on 10/12/2007, -7/+5For those of you not in on the joke, Jon Swift should be your first clue.

    James Randi's (the Amazing Randi) skeptic magazine is appropriately entitled "Swift". Here's an explanation in the first issue that explains why they named it "Swift".

    Jonathan Swift (1667-1745) was an Irish-born writer and satirist whose
    most enduring work, Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World,
    better known as Gulliver’s Travels, delineates the adventures of Lemuel
    Gulliver. Gulliver encounters strange and wondrous peoples and places,
    lands of giants and tiny people, a dominant species of horse whose beasts of
    burden are a degenerate species of humans, and a floating island inhabited
    by spaced-out scientists and philosophers who hardly deal with reality.
    Swift didn’t please all his readers. He infuriated many, was threatened
    with lawsuits, and made enemies among many influential persons of his
    day, a situation with which I am not totally unfamiliar. But he was among
    the first to launch well-deserved and well-designed satirical attacks against
    the flummery — political, philosophical, and scientific — of his time, a
    tradition that was adopted and perpetuated by several of the publications
    that succeeded him. A century after his death, and perhaps in observation
    of that event, the British humor magazine Punch defined a variety of swindler
    thus: “The Quack is a personage too essential to the comfort of society
    to be deprived of his vocation. He is, in fact, the Physician of the Fools,
    a body whose numbers and respectability are by far too great to admit of
    anything of the kind.” Alas, this definition stands today, all too accurate.
    The James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) heartily endorses satire
    and wit as weapons to defeat the forces ofcrack-potteryy and quackery.
    When British publisher Sir Richard Steele started the racy penny newspaper
    Tatler in 1709, he used one of Swift’s noms de plume, Bickerstaff, to
    borrow on the great success of the satirist. We will dare to use his actual
    name here, in our new publication, paying homage and hoping that the
    association with such an illustrious historical character might lend a gloss
    to our efforts.

    The important part for the above paragraph if you don't want to read it is...

    "But he was among the first to launch well-deserved and well-designed satirical attacks against the flummery — political, philosophical, and scientific — of his time, a
    tradition that was adopted and perpetuated by several of the publications
    that succeeded him."

    --taken from http://www.randi.org/
    • squegie, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2I have not actually read your comment or the ensuing summary, but it is refreshing to see a dog of peace instead of the more traditional dogs of war. Dogs of war is actually a bit misleading to the average person since most dogs utilized in a combat zone are actually in fact used for peacekeeping operations. Dogs (or "canines") have keen sense of smell and this is used in sniffing out drugs, explosives, and even humans trapped underneat rubble.
  • dimplemonkey, on 10/12/2007, -11/+1BADONKADONK! LOL!
  • nc0onc0o, on 10/12/2007, -9/+4Doesn't it say at the top of the page "Reviews Written by Jon Swift?" Looks like just one guy trying to be cute.
  • albatross5000, on 10/12/2007, -14/+0not a bad blogger either:
    http://jonswift.blogspot.com/

  • albatross5000, on 10/12/2007, -13/+1not a bad blogger either:
    http://jonswift.blogspot.com/

  • hosiah, on 10/12/2007, -12/+7Wait, I had an idea! This 'Jon Swift' guy believes himself to be *humorous*! Yeah, that's it.

    Don't they have a pill for that, now?
  • ChileanGoD, on 10/12/2007, -7/+7What is it with all the books ranting against liberals? Do conservatives need to learn how to deal with their growing number? :)
  • Rezzy, on 10/12/2007, -6/+5I have not actually read the comments on this story, so I don't know that this joke has been played to death
  • tehbishop, on 10/12/2007, -7/+3this guy rocks! the neocons are too stupid to see what he's saying most of the time :D +Digg
  • SgtCrispy, on 10/12/2007, -5/+2Scary, very scary.
  • polyfrolic, on 10/12/2007, -3/+4I have not actually read any of those books either, but what amazes me most is that sometimes over 25% of the Amazon customers FOUND HIS REVIEWS USEFUL!!!!

    My second point is that the Late show needs to have him as a guest. They like the freaks :)
  • pkulak, on 10/12/2007, -1/+10"I used to like Ms. Dowd when she was attacking President Clinton for having sex but now she is attacking President Bush and there is no evidence whatsoever that he is having sex so I don't understand what the problem is."

    HAHA!
  • gregharmon, on 10/12/2007, -0/+11From a review of Milk:

    "My grown children and I sat down to breakfast this morning looking forawrd to trying this new... milk we bought online. At 1st it seemed absurd to buy milk and have it shipped at almost 3 times the cost of the milk itself. But then we... tasted it. It didn't taste like milk at all. It tasted... better. This could not have come from a cow. Men of great knowledge must have... engineered this substance. I couldn't help myself, I had to have more. I finished my glass like a man just rescued from the desert. And I remember... I... I... I cried... I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead... and I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we."
    • AxeSwinger, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3The horror, the horror....
    • lowerlogic, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3I'm thirsty.
    • jbentley33, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1"It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice." - Ron Burgundy 'Anchorman'
  • teahugger, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter by Ann Coulter:

    I have not actually read this book but she looks very nice on the cover. She seems just a little too skinny to be healthy, however. I also wonder if her hair is really blonde. For some reason most Republican women that you see on TV seem to be blonde. I don't know if there is some reason that blonde women become Republicans or if the RNC has asked them all to dye their hair blonde. Anyway, I am very glad she wants to start a dialogue with liberals. Judging by the cover she seems very personable and reasonable so it doesn't surprise me that she would believe that constructive dialogue is a good thing.
  • Cornloaf, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2There are some choice reviews on Amazon. Check out this review for the movie Mac & Me :

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A23XRZ5QJ2PHD1/ref=cm_cr_auth/104-1102738-5931921?ie=UTF8

  • jdr93, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2i have actually read some of the 'reviews' and i have the impression they were written by some sort of crank. perhaps a hand crank.
  • AxeSwinger, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2The cover makes me suspicious, January 16, 2006
    I have not actually read this book but judging from the cover Mr. Savage is apparently from San Francisco. Generally, I am suspicious of people from San Francisco. Bill O'Reilly has said that we should encourage Al Qaeda to attack San Francisco, which I think is going a bit too far, but the point he is making that people from San Francisco are out of the mainstream of normal Americans is a good one. I believe that Mr. Savage is a conservative but if that is true I don't know why he lives in San Francisco so it makes me suspicious that he could actually be an undercover liberal who is being deliberately outrageous to make conservatives look bad.
  • Slybri, on 10/12/2007, -0/+5This guy reminds me of the "Deep Thoughts" guy from SNL, Jack Handey.
  • bariswheel, on 10/12/2007, -1/+6"I have not actually read this book but I agree with Mr. Hannity that evil is bad. I am against all evil whatsoever, whether it is in an axis or solo. Liberals are always making complicated distinctions between things that are a little bit evil and things that are moderately evil and things that are very evil. Not Mr. Hannity. Everything to him is either good or evil, period. I think that's a much easier way to view the world and it saves a lot of time."


    WHO IS THIS GUY?!?!?!? that is the funniest thing I've ever heard.. hahaha

    -b
    • aboyd, on 10/12/2007, -1/+4What's more awesome is that 15 out of 21 people voted that his review was helpful. That is just excellent.
    • felchdonkey, on 10/12/2007, -0/+4I agree - this guy is hilarious. I would love to read an entire book of his reviews. Obviously, the book will be called "I Have Not Actually Read This Book."
  • Jugalator, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3It sure illustrates what a waste those "i find this helpful" votes are.

    "I have not actually read this book but I love the movie with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. I thought it was very funny and very imaginative with all of the alien creatures. I don't remember the movie saying anything about the Supreme Court but I know they often change books when they adapt them into movies. Even though I agree with everything Justice Scalia says he does sometimes seem like an alien from another planet, which I mean in a good way."

    Almost *half* found that not-reading-book-review helpful. rofl!
  • ThePotatoe, on 10/12/2007, -5/+3A MODEST PROPOSAL INDEED

    HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
  • rtphokie, on 10/12/2007, -0/+3There is a long history of great comments on Family Circus books. Amazon goes through and cleans them out periodically but they filter back in, like so:

    http://www.amazon.com/What-Does-This-Say-Family/dp/0449148149/sr=8-6/qid=1157319669
  • narutofroggy, on 10/12/2007, -0/+5Irish Spring Deodorant Soap

    Don't go to STORES...There's people there., November 9, 2004

    This soap is great. I love this soap. It feels good against a body, I'll tell you that. And I'll also tell you that it's gentle. The kind of gentle that says: "I know you have saddle-rash from that horse yesterday, but I can smooth that out." Whatta soap. You can't find that kind of quality in stores. No, soap is best when bought online, and with the least amount of human contact possible. So don't go to the stores, you shut-ins, place an order for a bar of these babies, and shudder at the thought of meeting a stranger...
  • AngryAngryBrian, on 10/12/2007, -3/+1I didn't actually read any of his book reviews but I did make a YTMND about it. http://jonswiftdoesntread.ytmnd.com/

    I always feel bad when I leave a review on a book or item and didn't read the book more than once or have the item more than a few weeks.
  • rabiddawgr, on 10/12/2007, -6/+0...its obvious he isn't serious...what is funny are the people who found his reviews useful.Shame we can't tell whether they were serious...we could gage the stupidity level of the people who would consider buying those books.
  • mikeswi, on 10/12/2007, -2/+7When I was in the 6th grade, we were supposed to read the book "To Kill A Mockingbird". Being a lazy bastard, I didn't do it.

    A week or so later, the teacher asks us about the book. I tried to headfake my way through it, but the teacher must have sensed something. She glared at me for a minute, then asked me flat out what the book was about.

    "Umm......... It describes various methods of bird hunting during the 30's?"

    I could tell from the laughter around me that this must not be correct....
  • Spazkake, on 10/12/2007, -7/+3Can these really be real? For humanity's sake I hope not.
    • jeet404, on 10/12/2007, -1/+4OH NOES!!! WHERES MY TIN FOIL HAT OMGZ PEOPLE MAKE JOKES OMG OMG OMG!!@!!!one!!

      OK please don't tell me that they weren't funny? How will humanity be effected by this?
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