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Bush: 'Our Long Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Over'

theonion.com — Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over." (The ironic thing: this Onion article was published in 2001 and most of what it wrote came true)

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  • onreact, on 07/17/2008, -4/+123Wow. 2001! A true prophecy.
    • DestroyFascism, on 07/18/2008, -14/+6The sooner America goes bankrupt and the empire crumbles the better for all. There may be wars in Africa and so on but who cares, both countries are so stupid they can't see past their own *****. America is rogue, America is too powerful and reckless. Without its thuggery there will be peace.
      • subliminalurge, on 07/18/2008, -2/+3First of all, I'd like to point out that you seem to thing that Africa is a country. This fact alone exposes your stupidity, which renders anything else you have to say not worth paying attention to. Please return to 6th grade geography, and come back when you've learned the difference between a "country" and a "continent".

        Secondly, do you realize that...

        Eh, ***** it, you're not worth wasting an intelligent, well thought out comment on.
      • Scaryclouds, on 07/18/2008, -0/+3"Please return to 6th grade geography, and come back when you've learned the difference between a "country" and a "continent"."

        But what about Australia?!
      • yosempai, on 07/21/2008, -0/+1The Onion predicted a 250% increase in military spending, but from 2001 to 2008 there increase was a measly 212%.
        http://tinyurl.com/68w3eb
      • TrthS33Kr, on 07/24/2008, -0/+1re: yosempai: That 212% only includes "budgeted" spending, which, if I am not mistaken, was supplemented many times by "special" non-budgeted requests for billions and billions of dollars, which were spent directly on "war" costs. This also does not include expenses incurred, including long term expenses directly related to the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts, expenses incurred (by federal, state and local governments and agencies, etc.) due to cuts in their budgets to offset paying for "war" expenses, or "homeland security" related expenses. I am sure it goes well over 300%, easily. Then don't forget to include the interest on all of the money that was borrowed to pay for those things (*hint: it was all borrowed) and the expense and interest over the long term of taking care of severely injured American vets, including those with mental trauma and mental health disorders.

        Then you would have to also include in calculations all the money (and interest on the loans) that has been, is being, and will be paid to contractors to build, repair and maintain infrastructure and new construction, including permanent military bases in these areas. Then don't forget to include all of the "black box" expenses that have been hidden in other agency budgets to pay for secret and non-secret programs related to the conflict. This whole fiasco/debacle will end up costing us more than 3 trillion USD easily before it is paid for by our kids and grandkids, if it ever is, no matter how a "budget" is skewed and misrepresented. Of course we might not have an economy left to be further damaged by the consequences, or a dollar to pay for it with, partly due to consequences of the biggest foreign policy mistake ever made by this country.
    • regfree, on 07/18/2008, -2/+1Going to war anyway is not hard to predict regarding Bush. But the economic front too?

      "On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further. "

      Though the recession is not entirely due to tax cuts. But, recession, yes.
    • bbqlover, on 07/24/2008, -0/+1Bush could not find oil in Texas and bankrupted that company. It only makes sense that he has bankrupted America. The Onion rules!!
  • psker, on 07/17/2008, -6/+255Humor in 2001...Sad reality in 2008
    • InetRoadkill, on 07/18/2008, -9/+18If you want humor, there's an article on CNN in which Pelosi calls Bush a "total failure". Pot meet kettle.
      • kingofinternet, on 07/18/2008, -8/+3shrug, bush still sucks donkey dick, what's your point?

        you have the brain of a child.
      • Scaryclouds, on 07/18/2008, -4/+1@kingoftheinternet

        First things first, you obviously don't deserve such a name. Second, Pelosi and the democratic Congress have been a total failure because they failed to bring our troops home (hell they sent more over), our economy is in an even worse situation, and did virtually nothing to hold this administration accountable.
    • sk11, on 07/18/2008, -0/+27Bush: making satire obsolete since 2000.
    • geoken, on 07/18/2008, -0/+11It's always the underlying truth in the joke which yields true humor. The Onion has mastered this.
    • nadair2112, on 07/25/2008, -0/+0Man, it was a sad reality by 2002.
  • Natitude, on 07/17/2008, -6/+104It truly is a sad day when you realize the joke became reality... I guess I should pay more attention to what the onion has to say
    • infinitus64, on 07/18/2008, -0/+29Artists use lies to tell the truth while politicians use them to cover it up. ~V
    • Unzorn, on 07/18/2008, -0/+14*waits for KFC feedbag*
    • GliTCH82, on 07/18/2008, -5/+2"Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus"

      HARRISBURG, PA—Area resident Dwayne Pafko, 27, went out and got his ass totally creamed by a big old bus Monday.

      "There he was, just walkin' out into the middle of the road like a goddamned idiot, when all of a sudden this huge-ass bus comes along and... blammo!" said eyewitness Mario Loyola, smacking his fist into his palm to illustrate his account of the accident. "I was all like, 'Hey, dumbass, watch where you're going. What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?' But he just looked at me like some sap, and meanwhile, this big freakin' bus barrels down on him like a ton of bricks, and then it's too late."

      "Big ol' bus," added Loyola, outstretching his arms as far as he can to indicate the vehicle's enormous size.

      Sources reported that Pafko, who recently lost his job at Grainger's Gas 'N' Snack for forgetting to restock the beverage cooler, was hit full-on by the huge-ass bus, which smacked the holy living ***** out of him and sent him flying maybe, like, say, a good 10, 20 feet or so.

      According to police who arrived on the scene, Pafko is lucky to be alive.

      "I couldn't believe it," Sgt. Jean Christensen said. "When the call came in from dispatch saying that some moron had just strolled out in front of an oncoming bus, my partner and I were like, 'Come on, what is this, a joke?' But when we got there, sure enough, there he was, just laying there face-flat on the asphalt, right smack-dab in the middle of the damn road. I practically *****. It just didn't seem possible that anyone could be that clueless, but, apparently, this guy was one dim bulb."

      Pafko was rushed to Harrisburg Lutheran Hospital, where doctors describe his condition as "pretty *****-up." Doctors, however, say his prognosis is actually halfway decent, which comes as a surprise to many, considering the fact that a goddamn bus just plowed into him.

      "For a guy who just got his face pureed by the grill of a bus, he's doing better than one would expect. If all goes well, we may be able to upgrade his condition to merely 'seriously *****-up' by week's end," said Harrisburg Lutheran chief of staff Dr. Nelson Hoyt, who, along with three other doctors, spent six grueling hours in surgery saving Pafko's sorry ass. "He should survive. That is, as long as he doesn't decide to walk out in front of any more buses in the next few weeks. Hello? Get with it, people!"

      "How the hell does somebody manage to get themselves hit by a big ol' honkin' bus like that in the first place?" Hoyt asked. "I mean, what, he didn't notice? The thing's only about the size of a freakin' freight train, for Christ's sake. This Pafko fellow isn't exactly the most on-the-ball character you'll ever meet. You know, even pigeons know to get out of the way of a damn bus."

      Police said quick thinking on the part of the bus driver may have saved Pafko's life. Gregory Peete, a 15-year veteran of Harrisburg's public transportation department, said he spotted Pafko in his path just moments before impact.

      "I look down and, suddenly, out of nowhere, there's this ***** walking right out in front of me like I don't even know what," Peete said. "The first thought that flashed through my mind was, 'Jesus, what does this guy think he's trying to do?' So I blast the horn, just to send a subtle little message, as in, 'By the way, sir, huge bus comin' through over here, just in case you wanted to, say, step aside or something.' But no such luck. He just stood there and looked around like, 'Duh?' So, finally, once it was obvious that Smart Guy wasn't going to get out of the way, I hit the brakes."

      "Unfortunately," Peete said, "we were moving pretty fast, and I couldn't stop. I'm not a miracle worker, you know."

      Emily Pafko, the *****'s wife, spoke to reporters early this morning about the near-fatal accident. "Well, I gotta admit, I wasn't exactly shocked. He's always doing stupid, no-brained ***** like that," she said. "What was he thinking? Did he wake up Monday morning and say, 'Hey! I've got a brilliant idea: I think I'll go walk into the path of a bus and get myself pounded completely flat today!'?"

      The accident has stunned others, as well, including area resident Gregory Lundeen, who furrowed his brow and blew a long, low whistle after being told the story while waiting in line at the grocery store. Harrisburg College junior Jonathan Neimuhr was equally taken aback, telling his roommates, "Guys! Did you hear? Some dude totally got, like, whomped by a bus today!"

      Though the accident has raised issues of traffic safety at the intersection where Pafko got creamed, local authorities have no plans to implement any new safety measures at this time.

      "It's a street. What do you honestly expect us to do?" city councilman Gordon Hutchinson said. "Should we put up a sign reading, 'Please Do Not Walk Out In Front Of Any Huge Oncoming Buses Here To Corner'? I mean, sure, we could do that, I guess, but I'd like to think most people would already know to avoid that type of thing. Can you believe this guy? Geez, what a dumbass."
  • steaprok, on 07/17/2008, -11/+12yikes! thats the kinda funny that makes you feel bad after you laugh. Scary but True and on point!
  • c4sh, on 07/17/2008, -13/+31Man, I really hope something like this doesn't actually happen.
  • zephc, on 07/17/2008, -6/+84Clearly someone at The Onion has a time machine. That is scarily prescient.
    • xaxxon, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4Dugg for the word 'prescient'.
    • robotbebop, on 07/18/2008, -2/+1Or, since they can see the future, they can create it. Clearly the Onion is to blame for Bush.
    • employeeno5, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4So many people don't seem to remember that everyone expected this stuff from Bush.

      Back in 2000 it was almost cool to threaten to leave the country if he became president. Somehow everyone forgot about how much most of this country was expecting the worst from this man.

      9/11 made huge numbers of people not only seem to forget that they had already known that this man is an evil buffoon, but then when he took steps to assure them that yes indeed, he is still an evil buffoon, they forgave him for it.

      I do remember laughing my ass off to this piece back in January '01. Ah... Freshman year of college in NYC; I was in for some surprises.
    • paulright, on 07/22/2008, -0/+0Yes, scarily persistent, especially if you read "bush prepares for the nation's final year"
  • mphung, on 07/17/2008, -4/+157I thought the Onion did satire...?
  • shtfactory, on 07/17/2008, -5/+53has the onion printed their picks for tomorrows lottery numbers yet?
  • liuite, on 07/17/2008, -34/+3my fellow amerikans, it is hard to be rich because the rich has more to lose. that is why your kid should go to school to become a gynocologist, because at least he/she will love the work.
    • Roland1232, on 07/19/2008, -0/+1You go back to school, and it's a deal.
  • Kizilbash, on 07/17/2008, -2/+38The joke is on all of us. Well, mostly on you. And the Iraqis.
    • warsongs7, on 07/18/2008, -0/+10Except of course, its not just a joke.
  • tufftugg, on 07/17/2008, -2/+19 The Onion knows.
    • gplpark92, on 07/18/2008, -4/+3knows a hell of a lot more than the cabbage
      (bad joke)
      • GliTCH82, on 07/18/2008, -1/+5If you knew it was bad, why did you post it anyway? It's not like we're having a face to face conversation here and it happened to slip.
  • omenmedia, on 07/17/2008, -1/+21Prophetic! Scary how much of this satire became truth.
  • niko8778, on 07/17/2008, -2/+29Bush: Game's over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.
    • amoirae, on 07/17/2008, -2/+17That's what happens when you let a cheater be the banker in Monopoly.
    • xwfilm, on 07/18/2008, -0/+7Hello, peasants.
    • iamsmooth, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2Dugg for Futurama reference; don't think anyone else got that.
      • ztisdale, on 07/20/2008, -0/+0It's a direct quote, so it's fairly obvious, at least to anyone who has seen the show...and they better have...
  • slvrbullet87, on 07/17/2008, -57/+3Har har har... a article bashing on bush, how original

    I expected more from the onion
    • insomniac8400, on 07/17/2008, -0/+30No comment on the fact that a joke article written in 2001 almost exactly mirrors the situation in 2008?
    • SquigglyP, on 07/17/2008, -0/+16not to mention that at the time, this was one of the first articles to 'poke fun' at Bush. The onion doesn't really 'bash', as they pretty much make fun of everything and everyone.
    • ph1sh55, on 07/17/2008, -0/+28It's a satirical article written in 2001 when he was sworn in, not an article written in 2008 looking back and taking snipes. Unfortunately all of the ludicrous things they were using for comedic purposes basically came to fruition!
    • tramblings, on 07/18/2008, -0/+8I think slvrbullet87 works for "them".
  • cslawren, on 07/17/2008, -3/+33Am I the only one that didn't notice this was an Onion article, read the title of the Digg story, and kinda went "huh?" I thought it was a Bush-ism at first because him accidentally saying something like this wouldn't surprise me.
    • idovoodoo, on 07/18/2008, -0/+11I totally did that too.
    • JeremyGrieves, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4Me too. After the eco air punch thing nothing would surprise me.
    • TrevorBradley, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2The scary part is the date on the Onion article... Jan 2001.
  • SquigglyP, on 07/17/2008, -36/+4I'm sick of this article being on the front page every few months.
    • myhandleondigg, on 07/18/2008, -9/+2not sure why you're being downvoted since this is the truth
    • Naruki, on 07/18/2008, -1/+11Then... impeach Bush already?
    • pagno, on 07/18/2008, -0/+5As long as it its still relevant, it should be pinned on the front page.
    • hawkeye17, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2Hate to be reminded that you supported a retarded chimpanzee of a President who's done nothing but damage to this country for over 7 years now? Reality is sometimes painful!
      • SquigglyP, on 07/19/2008, -1/+1you're assuming an awful lot, here. This was on the front page most recently just a few weeks ago, and here it was again. It was on the front page a couple months before that, and I've no doubt that it's been submitted and front-paged at least a half dozen times.

        Being annoyed at the frequency of an article or subject has nothing to do with one's opinion of the article. I support Ron Paul, for instance, and yet I was supremely pissed off that at times the front page was a half dozen Paul stories followed by a half dozen Apple stories. Has nothing to do with Paul, and everything to do with a lack of diversity on a site which I had a great deal of respect for at one time.
  • ndnspongebob, on 07/17/2008, -2/+10i was happy at the beginning of the article and sad by the end
  • chrisbosh123, on 07/17/2008, -2/+97Dude... the onion wrote this:
    "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."
    That is just freaky on how accurate it is in the year 2008.
    • Roland1232, on 07/19/2008, -0/+2What about: "...and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street".

      Except swap "street" with "electric chair".
  • poprocksandsoda, on 07/17/2008, -43/+3The US economy had issues before Bush became President. The NASDAQ lost some steam from the time Clinton was President in 2000 to 2002, but it recovered and grew substantially over the past 8 years. In fact, overall a bull market has existed until this year since 1983 and it's still too soon to determine whether now it's merely a correction or a bear market is actually here. Either way, 7 years of continuous growth and somehow you don't see it the way people who live and play the market everyday do.

    As for the crime decrease, you should read the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell if you wish to understand why crime has and continues to drop. A clue: Roe VS Wade.

    I think the Onion is funny, but you can hardly pin any of societies ills on the President and his administration. They and the rest of the government as a whole have done more these past 8 years to deter corporate greed and misconduct than any administration in history (see Sarbanes Oxley). If you don't think so, ask the members of the banks sitting behind all this asset and mortage-backed securities if they don't fear the fact that they're looking at decades in jail for section 404 of Sarbanes Oxley.

    It's almost like you guys love getting together and having a bash President Bush orgy, but last time I checked he's gotten two terms, taken down the axis of evil, put corporate fraudsters in jail long-term and brought us safety here domestically. Scoreboard biyatches.
    • Gerz1219, on 07/18/2008, -1/+14How much were your plane tickets to Imaginationland? Hopefully they haven't risen too much due to higher fuel prices, because I'd like to buy a one-way trip.
      • poprocksandsoda, on 07/18/2008, -10/+1That's a great Episode of South Park. As you know you just have to sing the imaginationland song.

        Imagination ... imag-nation ...

        Um, counter with some facts if you doubt the things I've stated above. Also If you think Clinton was so good counter with a 200 word essasy how NAFTA, which he championed, has had a positive effect on the US lower middle-class. Or perhaps you can explain the utter collapse of the tech sector during his Presidency due to unchecked fraud in corporate reporting.
      • Infidelcastr0, on 07/18/2008, -1/+5A speculative bubble, caused by corporate fraud.... that wouldn't be because of deregulation now would it? Naa... Regulation is the bane of the free market and reversing it always lowers prices, increases wages and creates jobs wherever it's tried. Or was it the other way around?...

        You are, of course, correct to criticize Clinton for NAFTA, it was a terrible idea, like most appeals to the right. It's sure good that we have Bush to stop any further free-trade agreements, oh wait...

        One thing you've thus far forgotten to mention about our great leader is his awesome tax reforms, It's about damn time we had a president with the balls to lower taxes in a time of war, the man is a visionary I tell you.
      • Gerz1219, on 07/18/2008, -1/+5@poprocks -- I can't believe you replied with a "Bbbut Clinton!" argument. Really, I can't.

        Look, like most reasonable people, I disagree with a lot of things that Clinton did in office. I disagree with a lot more things that Bush did in office. My opposition of many Bush policies does not necessitate that I agree with *every* one of Clinton's policies -- just as disagreeing with one of Clinton's policies does not mean I must support the worst president in the history of the United States.

        NAFTA was a mistake.

        What does that have to do with Bush adding trillions of dollars onto the national debt while lowering taxes?

        This 7 years of economic "growth" that you refer to was built entirely on a pillow of debt. Which is another way of saying that the economy has shrunk, and we're only now figuring this out. All the indicators are there. Why do you think this "Bush boom" failed to create jobs, lift wages, and lower prices? Because no new wealth was ever created. It was all borrowed, both in the form of the massive war debt incurred by our Iraq folly, and in the form of free money handed out by the Fed which led to ridiculous lending practices. In July, the check came. America couldn't pay.

        So yes, Bush inherited a tech bubble from Clinton, which was kind of inevitable given the paradigm-changing, revolutionary nature of the internet's unprecedented growth. That still doesn't explain reducing tax revenues while mounting a pointless invasion of a sovereign nation, and funding it entirely with debt.

        One final point -- "somehow you don't see it the way people who live and play the market everyday do" -- I work in a financial advisory firm. I've worked in the banking services industry for over 10 years. I've seen the ups and downs. And I've never seen the bankers spooked like this, including after 9/11. When you act as though these concerns about the economy are a mixture of media hype/bias and the ignorance of the unwashed -- well, you come across as misinformed and delusional.
    • briankoenig03, on 07/18/2008, -0/+17"taken down the axis of evil"

      And up to this point I had been taking your comment so seriously!
      • poprocksandsoda, on 07/18/2008, -9/+1Bush has taken a very business-savvy view on running the White House. Mitigate and minimize risk is business 101. Post 9/11 they worked to draw a clear and well-defined strategy which centers on presurring nations which represent the greatest threat to US intersts into becoming more open and behaved world citizens. Call Iraq what you want, but in 50 years from now when you're vacationing there and exploring some of the historic ancient sites you'll ask yourself what it would be like had it continued to remain in the hands of an isolationist dictator bent on procurring 550 tons of yellowcake uranium ore.

        http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-f ...

        Funny how the left burried this important story isn't it?

        History and people who actually read the news and have been around the world will be kind to Bush for what he achieved, but short-term the left insists to portray him and his administration as fools. I think he's a good man and has made tough decisions in some cases where no good option really existed; especially doing nothing at all.
      • briankoenig03, on 07/18/2008, -0/+9I know I'm just feeding a troll, but from the same story you linked :

        "U.N. inspectors had documented and safeguarded the yellowcake, which had been stored in aging drums and containers since before the 1991 Persian Gulf War. There was no evidence of any yellowcake dating from after 1991, the senior U.S. official said."

        Saddam wasn't "bent on procuring" this, he'd had it for 20 years. Yellowcake doesn't even make a dirty bomb, which is also mentioned in that NYT article. And also, the "Nigerian Yellowcake Claim" Bush made in his State of the Union address was absolutely false, and the CIA pressured him not to use the compromised intelligence in his report.

        Finally, your ad hominem argument implying that those who don't like Bush don't "read the news" or don't "travel around the world" is laughable.
      • poprocksandsoda, on 07/18/2008, -6/+1Thank you Captain Obvious. You don't land 550 tons of yellowcake unless you really have a reason to ... hence my "bent on procurring" comment. What do you think he planned to do with it? Build a yellowbrick road? I suppose if he had 550 tons of potastium you'd say be was bent on producing vitamins.
    • LLamaStar, on 07/18/2008, -0/+10i lol'd 10/10 for the troll.
    • SteveMTyler, on 07/18/2008, -0/+8Of the three members of the "axis of evil". We are in a perpetual war with one of them, the other one has nukes, and the third one is about to get nukes. 8 years ago they were not a danger.

      Way to go GWB.
    • caramba420, on 07/18/2008, -0/+11"They and the rest of the government as a whole have done more these past 8 years to deter corporate greed and misconduct than any administration in history (see Sarbanes Oxley)."

      Oh, you mean that one bill that was hastily written in response to the outcry over the fraud at Enron? You've heard on Enron, right? That energy company that caused millions of Californians to be without electricity, and whose CEO was having twice monthly "Energy Task Force" meetings with Bush and Cheney? During the same time frame Bush and Cheney REFUSED to meet with California Gov. Gray Davis about the energy crisis? Ringing a bell?

      One might be able to reasonably argue that the economics woes aren't the entirely this administration's fault. The dot com bubble was a big hit. But it was under his watch that the mortgage industry was derregulated in 2006 causing the housing bubble that has sent us even farther down the *****.

      Also, the article called him out for being a warmonger. This was before 9/11. What's that, a lucky guess? Incidently, Bush GAVE $40 MILLION TO THE TALIBAN AFTER THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED.

      "...last time I checked he's...taken down the axis of evil"

      Iraq has more terrorists now than ever before. Iraq used to be a secular state, but is now a de facto sharia theocracy. Iran has emerged as the geopolitical winner in the conflict, as the Shiite majority, who were silenced under Saddam, are now in charge. Meanwhile, under Bush's watch, North Korea developed and detonated nuclear weapons. We had a treaty with NK, started under Clinton, to provide them with a certain amount of diesel fuel every month in exchange for access to their nuclear facilities to inspect. Bush pulled out of the treaty in early 2001. Then, *surprise* our weapons inspectors were expelled, and fast-forward to 2006, and they detonate a nuke.
      So much for "taking down the axis of evil"

      • poprocksandsoda, on 07/18/2008, -8/+1Man you really do read the stuff the Left puts out without trying to find a balanced view. Let me see ... so the President had meetings with top members of the Energy Industry ... some of who at the time were secretly committing corporate crimes that no one knew about. So Bush is now meeting with criminals although no one in the world including him knew. Darn that Bush guy. Just thank God he didn't throw together a NAFTA task force like Clinton or the lower middle class would really be hurting now.

        Is this Gray Davis the same one who received almost 150 thousand dollars in contributions from Enron? He even refused to return the money after things went south and he was in office.

        Deregulation of the Mortage Industry? ... Oh you mean Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDOs), which have been around since 1987. Man ... where did you learn about the financial markets? Did you just get your text book from 1987 and they printed 2007 by mistake? Whoever developed the CDO 21 years ago should be held accountable.

        This 40 million to the Taliban is news to me too ... back in 2002. http://www.cato.org/pub_display.php?pub_id=3556 Are you guys getting the Internet slow in the Left? This was an incentive to stop Opium production. Actually I knew about that when it happened years ago because I read the news. I don't sit on top of something for 6 years and then whip it out like some supposed know-it-all with an axe to grind because my pro-pot candidate for the presidency lost.

        North Korea detonated an atom bomb? Yeah right ... this North Korea thing was about them wanting their money froze in Macau. They were printing fake $100 bills for years. This isn't about nukes ... it's about iPods, cash and cars. Matthew Broderick in the Mahattan Project movie was closer to actually building one than them.

        Kudos to Bush for pulling out of that "Treaty" with NK as you call it ... that "Treaty" is essentially like paying the mob to "protect" your store.

        If the world was only so simple.
      • caramba420, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4"Man you really do read the stuff the Left puts out without trying to find a balanced view."

        Actually it is the Right that "puts stuff out." AEI, PNAC, and Heritage, among others, have a well orchestrated system of introducing absurd ideas into common circulation based on the myth of being "balanced." The trick is that once Rupert reports it, the MSM has to pick up on it, or else they have "liberal bias," i.e. "Obama is a secret muslim?" Clearly, you have bought into the idea that in order to be "balanced," one must triangulate a position between reality and the manufactured ***** that these right-wing "think tanks" produce. I would recommend reading some of David Brock's books to shed light this process.

        "Let me see ... so the President had meetings with top members of the Energy Industry ... "

        Maybe you're on to something here. Perhaps the content of their meetings was totally innocuous and benevolent. But we will never know, because the minutes of these meetings HAVE BEEN CLASSIFIED. Repeated requests for these minutes have been denied under the auspices of Executive Privilege.

        "This 40 million to the Taliban is news to me too ... back in 2002. "

        Ok...just because this happened six years ago means that it is totally irrelevant to the state of affairs now? No wonder conservatives are unable to learn anything from history. Anything that happened more than 20 minutes ago is totally forgotten.

        Who gives a ***** whether he gave them the money to eradicate opium? What difference does it make? HE GAVE MONEY TO PEOPLE THAT WERE KNOWN TO HARBOR AL QAEDA! It's not like nobody knew what was going on there. Clinton bombed Al Qaeda camps in Afghanistan in 1998, and Republicans accused him of "wagging the dog."

        "North Korea detonated an atom bomb? Yeah right ..."
        "...Matthew Broderick in the Mahattan Project movie was closer to actually building one than them."

        Wow! I knew the Right had a remarkable knack for putting their heads in the sand, but this is taking it to a whole new level. Outright refusal to believe that they built a nuke. I am at a loss for words....

        "Kudos to Bush for pulling out of that "Treaty" with NK as you call it..."

        But now he is back in negotiations with them, and all the right-wing pundits are calling it successful diplomacy. Although to be fair if we end up where we were with NK in 2001, that would be about as close to "success" as this administration could get.
    • sk11, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4This has to be some very subtle form of satire. Next you're going to claim that Bush is the greatest president in US history.
    • rhodydog, on 07/18/2008, -0/+5What planet are you from? My stocks have halved and my salary is lower now in real terms than it was 8 years ago, I would much prefer a president that messes with interns than screws the country.
      • xcspyder, on 07/18/2008, -2/+0that doesnt sound like a problem the president caused
    • xcspyder, on 07/18/2008, -4/+0Don't loose hope just because liberals hate the truth.
    • hawkeye17, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2Either you're being sarcastic or you're a completely deluded sheep.
  • jellygraph, on 07/17/2008, -3/+28Yeh, read this one a while ago... its eerily prophetic. Just goes to show how unimaginable how much damage Bush would do, that back in 2001 it seemed like satire. Little did they, and we, know... Bush ended up being worse than we could imagine.
    • infinitus64, on 07/18/2008, -0/+13You have had your warnings, fundamentalist Christians "Neocons" as they are called have been this way since atleast the early 90's
      • exeprime, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4Neocons are *not* fundamentalist Christians. They're just assholes.
      • BossKey, on 07/19/2008, -0/+2Some Christians have been waking up to the fact that they were merely used as a bloc to win elections, and that the neocons actually snicker at them.
    • cl0n3x, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2The Onion knew, the Onion knew... holly ***** the Onion knew (it feels like saying I take Fox news seriously, it's just too tough to swallow).
    • willywong, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2It was obvious to me and I'm not even a yank.
  • Changa, on 07/17/2008, -2/+24This was no surprise to the cynical that was paying attention and the Onion is full of cynical smart asses.

    I love them but they can depresses me as they usually are close to reality.
  • bobbi21, on 07/17/2008, -2/+8Man. that is crazy accurate.
  • calon9, on 07/17/2008, -2/+66The article is funny, but these comments are scary; Everyone mentioning how scary the article is for being so 'prescient'. Bush ran on the promise of tax cuts, was transparently in the pocket of big oil, ran a divisive partisan campaign, and his VP and advisers were pro-war and had the precedent for gung-ho foreign policy. These were all known before he was elected. Even though Bush got away with much more than anyone could have imagined, the direction he wanted to take the country in was clear before he won. If only people paid as much attention to the election and candidates in 00 as they are doing now...
    • dball48, on 07/18/2008, -2/+9Have you seen the two candidates now? Clearly we still aren't paying attention.
  • andreusboy, on 07/18/2008, -4/+26This is not even funny. Take the most satiric worst case scenario with impossible odds to happen, blow it out of proportion even further and still you get a snapshot of the US circa 2008. How ***** in the ass is this.
    • vicisaran, on 07/18/2008, -0/+8agreed. 100% NOT funny considering how true it is.
    • ScoobyG, on 07/18/2008, -0/+9It's pretty ***** in the ass.
    • JD52, on 07/18/2008, -0/+5Dugg for using "***** In The Ass" as a state of being.

      Bravo
  • mayra1201, on 07/18/2008, -3/+5That's eerie man
  • exomni, on 07/18/2008, -2/+39Thing is, the absolute worst that The Onion could make ridiculous jokes about in 2001, is the absolute least of our worries in 2008.

    No jokes about the rampant torture, the felonious spying, the destruction of the 4th amendment, etc etc.
    • Kyan, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4Yeah, I agree, the Onion totally dropped the ball on this. Of course, if they had gone farther, maybe Bush would be worse? Maybe his whole raison d'être was to one-up the Onion.
  • splendidmike, on 07/18/2008, -1/+18Seems like they misunderestimated his potential by quite a bit. I wish it had only been that bad.
  • Murrabbit, on 07/18/2008, -2/+34The neocons have managed, in less than 8 years, to entirely destroy satire. There's nothing we can say about them anymore which is an absurd stretch!
    • Redemption289, on 07/18/2008, -0/+6Well that was their plan wasn't it? Destroy everything you could possibly admire about the U.S., including its satire?
    • Xios117, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2George Bush hates white people!
  • lamiaconfitor, on 07/18/2008, -1/+3wow. scary...
  • Iztikeit, on 07/18/2008, -23/+3Bill had economic expansion under his watch because:

    He opened the floodgates to China.
    His terms saw the advent of the internet.
    He's a treasonous bastard that has no concern for the American populace.

    Bush, though I totally despise the man, is nothing more than a confused old man who was placed there by smarter, richer and more powerful men than himself.

    To blame an entire countries problems on a lone man (or even a few men) takes a leap I'm not willing to take.

    The moment Americans start blaming themselves AS WELL is the moment things might start turning around.
    • splendidmike, on 07/18/2008, -0/+5Shall I blame myself for obscene gas prices to support obscene oil company profits, two failed middle east wars, the recession, the decimation of civil liberties, the failure to save an entire American city AND my inability to capture Osama bin Laden, or just one of those things? I'll let you pick.
      • Iztikeit, on 07/18/2008, -5/+2Gas prices are all you are worried about? How great a life we all must have if one of our major concerns is the price of gas! How many generations of our ancestors loathe us for the very concern?

        Two failed middle eastern wars which had almost full support of the country when they started. America elects officials who have no right to be leading themselves, let alone millions. Who elected George Bush, by the way? If Americans couldn't see Bush for what he was I'm not sure I can trust the American populace anymore.

        The recession is caused by how our economy has been working for about 90 years now. Don't want another recession? Tell the Americans to stop being passive and take back the ability to issue money however they want. Take away the power from the banks and you won't have these deep recessions which affect everyone.

        The Decimation of civil liberties by, yet again, elected officials without the overwhelming disapproval of the majority of citizens. The fact that the majority are willing to disregard what the few are saying about civil liberties further shows me most Americans are getting exactly what is to be expected from such decisions. (put down the electronic trinkets and maybe....)

        Capture Osama bin Laden? What would that prove? Would that solve any problem? Kill Osama and 10 more will fill his shoes. That's one of our main goals as a country right now? I pity the state my country is in.

        I live here and I don't really care because none of these things really bother me that much. Why should they? Why allow inevitable evils to muster around in my head? We are all destined to the same fate, why concern myself about things I already know the outcomes of? (and if you think I don't know the outcome of all of those things, well, ask me)

        Things will always happen and people will always try to prevent those things from happening, all the while something else is going on. I prefer to stand back and let nature take its course, which it will do eventually, regardless of any interference.

        Call that what ever you want. But things are going to work out the same way in the end. Let's just enjoy every moment and try not to think about all the things we didn't cause. If there is a time any of us to make a difference I expect we will make the right decision, but one should never go around looking to change things. It has yet to do anything but cause more problems, so why continue the facade?
      • splendidmike, on 07/18/2008, -0/+1To this, mostly I just say, "Whatever dude." But to this:
        "Who elected George Bush, by the way?"
        I'd just like to remind you that the Supreme Court elected W in 2000. The American people elected Gore.
    • dave11980, on 07/18/2008, -5/+1STFU, we don't want you and your "logic" on Digg. Lets leave the facts for places like cnn.com and keep up our fantasy lives where Bush personally got you fired.
  • highlymodified, on 07/18/2008, -3/+51Sorry, but you don't have to be Nostra-*****-domus to have known this ***** was going to ***** up everything he touched.
    • idovoodoo, on 07/18/2008, -0/+12Damn right. Liberals have been saying this since he was "elected." I remember reading this article at the time thinking, "where's the joke?"
    • Cilantro33309, on 07/20/2008, -0/+1Yes, and isn't it comforting that the same morons who voted for him (possibly twice!!!) will be able to vote again.

      I say those who voted for a president who finishes his term with less than 40% approval don't get to vote in the next election. That would solve a lot of "problems".
  • topherbook, on 07/18/2008, -3/+71Good lord. Did the Bush administration use that article as a roadmap?
    • GorfTron, on 07/18/2008, -0/+9He don't need no stinking maps.
    • infinitus64, on 07/18/2008, -0/+3no i think they used a little from a book called My Struggle , The White Book of the Change of Government in Chile , and a little bit of textbook learning from Stalin.
      • chaosblade77, on 07/18/2008, -0/+5At least he learned from the best?
  • xadamxwaltonx, on 07/18/2008, -1/+5I will never be sick of the Truth...
  • GorfTron, on 07/18/2008, -3/+7Oh onion, you always make me laugh and cry...
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28040
  • areyouserious, on 07/18/2008, -20/+3Welcome to lefty land.
    • hawkeye17, on 07/18/2008, -1/+3Apparently 72% of Americans are lefties. Have you seen the man's poll numbers recently? Bush bashing is hardly a liberal only fad in America right now lol.
    • Cilantro33309, on 07/20/2008, -1/+1Do you feel lonely?

      You should.
  • AlienMushroom, on 07/18/2008, -3/+3Onion dudes got a time machine or sth?
  • tramblings, on 07/18/2008, -1/+8that's eerie. I mean jeepers creepers. Much of it is dead on. My favorite quote, "...Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration..."

    and another, "And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."
  • wooFmeoWoinK, on 07/18/2008, -1/+10Cynics are always happier because they are never disappointed.
  • myhandleondigg, on 07/18/2008, -20/+3Jesus, how many times is this going to be "unearthed"?
  • nakile, on 07/18/2008, -3/+9That's probably the only The Onion article that I've never laughed at...
    • vicisaran, on 07/18/2008, -0/+3Right on. and to think we probably would've laughed at it 7 years ago....
  • seamurbile, on 07/18/2008, -0/+20I remember reading this when it first came out in 2001. It was funny back then because it was true! Everything in this article was part of Bush's campaign platform. The reason it's so accurate is because we all knew full well what Bush was going to do when he took office. The only sad thing here is that took people 8 years to figure out Bush's true agenda.
    • sk11, on 07/18/2008, -0/+7Some still don't get it. I wonder what they say about those who get fooled thrice?
    • Izult, on 07/18/2008, -0/+7exactly. Sure the article dates from 2001 but for some it didn’t take a crystal ball or a direct line in with God to see the completed “puzzle” before all the pieces were in place. Anyone actually paying attention would have known this is what they "voted for" and considering the outcome of the 2000 election i use "voted" figuratively.
  • caramba420, on 07/18/2008, -1/+16"...a conflict of the same magnitude as Desert Storm..."

    Someone was a little optimistic...
  • endlessoul, on 07/18/2008, -4/+4Jesus H. Christ. Not everything was right about this article, but the parts that were?

    They ***** scare and disgust me. Literally. It is as if the writers knew what kind of ***** we'd be in right now. Satire? Not this one.
  • Skooma714, on 07/18/2008, -2/+3Onion headline tomorrow: Mists of dreams drip along the nascent echo and love no more. End of Line.
    • b0b157, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2Not sure whether to digg you up or down for a ridiculously obscure BSG reference.
  • anachronaut, on 07/18/2008, -0/+6I digg this every time it hits the front page, even though I'm well aware that it's a dupe. Its eerie prescience never fails to amuse and amaze me.
  • Ultra99, on 07/18/2008, -0/+7It's official - Bush reads the Onion!
  • leladax, on 07/18/2008, -0/+33It wasn't just Bush.

    It was you Americans that were scared ***** in 9/11 and wanted revenge and destruction and would do whatever Bush told you. You re-elected him even.
    • linuxinsidev2, on 07/18/2008, -3/+8Indeed,

      This is because the stupid ones vote, and the smart ones don't because they refuse to vote in a rediculous system like theirs.
      • Xios117, on 07/18/2008, -0/+2True,

        but apparently the smart people aren't smart enough to make the practical choice. Idealism is great... until people start dying for those ideals.
    • djhindsight, on 07/18/2008, -0/+15Yep, I remember seeing those stupid flags on people cars. People had no clue they were being played... really sad.
    • OasisR123, on 07/18/2008, -0/+4it's a shame I only have a dig to give you
    • Kikokun, on 07/18/2008, -1/+3true,
      In any other country, Bush and co. would have been hanged by the balls in the town square long before 2004.
      In America, this criminals get re-elected...
    • Cilantro33309, on 07/20/2008, -0/+1Isn't it funny how no one but the really hard-core shrub-heads will admit they voted for him? LMAO!!

      You shouldn't be allowed to vote again...
    • paulright, on 07/22/2008, -0/+1the 2004 election was thrown, as was 2000. live free or diebold
    • wylotova, on 07/23/2008, -0/+1well, I guess it was us Americans too, but not all of us!!! Only the stupid farts!
  • rationalbeats, on 07/18/2008, -3/+16I posted this link in a comment section on a digg submission about some big Bush failure and was buried.

    Go figure.
    • lanemik, on 07/18/2008, -0/+18Here, have a digg.

      And how about a hug?
    • Thor, on 07/18/2008, -6/+1Where's the link and the proof.

      How do I know this is an onion article from way back when and not just another Onion satire? It's not like I could go to one of those web sites that archives everything and find the original. Where would I go for that anyway?
  • tocsy, on 07/18/2008, -16/+3Old article.

    Buried.
    • tocsy, on 07/18/2008, -1/+2OK, I guess no one got that it was a joke. Serves me right.
  • Infidelcastr0, on 07/18/2008, -0/+3What's sad is how many people didn't see it coming....
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