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There was a time when I didn't fear food. I ate with gusto and abandon (and occasionally a knife, fork, and napkin) without worrying about the consequences. That was before I understood calories.

Like many of the unpleasant facts of modern

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There was a time when I didn't fear food. I ate with gusto and abandon (and occasionally a knife, fork, and napkin) without worrying about the consequences. That was before I understood calories.

Like many of the unpleasant facts of modern living â nuclear weapons, greenhouse gases, reality television, etc. â calories were discovered by scientists who meddled in things man was not meant to know. Or, at least, things this man didn't want to know.

Indulging in a fast-food burger and fries became a lot less fun when I realized I was consuming two day's worth of calories and a week's worth of fat and salt.

If the universe was fair, the size of food items would have some correlation to the number of calories they contained; carrot sticks would be toothpick-sized, baked-potatoes would resemble small beach balls, and burgers would have to be borne about on litters carried by six strong men. When you dared to order one of the frothy, creamy, sugary drinks at your local coffee house it would be delivered in a convenient fifty-five gallon drum.

If the universe was fair...

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NOTES: 

There's a joke in this episode which is a reference to the video game Portal. For his 17th birthday, my son wanted a Portal-themed cake. You can see the very cool cake my wife made at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinleec/sets/72157604129898070/ The other part of the cake joke was an homage to the incomparable Bill Cosby. Check him out on his official website at:
http://www.billcosby.com/ If you're interested in caloric information for restaurants (and other meals) check out Calorie King at:
http://www.calorieking.com/foods/ In this episode I made a joke about the Tokyo subway. If you'd like to get some insight into the real experience of living in Tokyo, I'd encourage you to listen to Scott Lockman's outstanding podcast Tokyo Calling at:
http://www.tokyocalling.org.

Tags: humor essay | funny story | food | calories | dieting | comedy