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Let's Give Mom Some Credit -- Short Cummings Audio #100
According to the excessively capitalized and exclamation-point-laden e-mail I received last week, I! CAN EARN A DEGREE! RIGHT NOW! FOR WORK EXPERIENCE I'VE! ALREADY! HAD! Unlike your traditional university which requires students to waste time
…You Can Be A Coffee Achiever -- Short Cummings Audio #99
Americans have a lot to worry about right now.
There's the mortgage industry which must have switched to an all alcohol diet and decided that it made perfect sense to loan people more money than they would actually earn in their lifetimes.
…Spin Control -- Short Cummings Audio #98
I pity the Presidential candidates. It's not easy being them.
For starters, they live on the road twenty-four-seven. A life of travel sounds exciting until you realize that most of the time they are ending up in desolate, barely civilized
…Olympic Dreams -- Short Cummings Audio #97
The Olympic Games represent the best in human endeavor. The spirit of friendly competition, the years of training, and the satisfaction of seeing our athletes overcome competitors who live in countries where indoor plumbing is a luxury item. It's
…Shopping Spree -- Short Cummings Audio #96
I help my wife with the grocery shopping approximately every eight or nine months. That's about how long it takes her to forget what happened the last time I helped her.
When it comes to the weekly run to the Giganto-Mart, we have very
…Counting Calories -- Short Cummings Audio #95
There was a time when I didn't fear food. I ate with gusto and abandon (and occasionally a knife, fork, and napkin) without worrying about the consequences. That was before I understood calories.
Like many of the unpleasant facts of modern
…The Repairman Cometh -- Short Cummings Audio #94
I have it on good authority that the furnace repairman will be at my house sometime between the hours of five a.m. and midnight today.
I couldn't be more thrilled. With the daytime high temps lower than the voting age in most states, this was …Teenage Standard Time -- Short Cummings Audio #93
My children and I live in different time zones. They live in Teenage Standard Time and I live in the real world.
In the real world, deadlines have mass and momentum and cannot be ignored. Whenever I get a new deadline it starts making a
…Memory Laps -- Short Cummings Audio #92
I'm worried about my wife's memory. Just last week she forgot a key ingredient for dinner.
I found her standing in the kitchen, staring into the pantry with a look of intense concentration; the kind of look you associate with a sage
…Machine Personality -- Short Cummings Audio #91
Next week I have to take a personality test at work and I'm a little worried. What if it comes up negative?
Will I be summoned to the HR office where I will be forcibly enrolled in some flashy, pricey character-building exercise like a
…Toys for Guys -- Short Cummings Audio #90
This past Christmas my wife gave me a supremely "guy" toy. She did this because, after twenty-two years of marriage, she's given up any hope of ever curing me of my essential guyness.
Early in our relationship she thought she had
…Old Warrior -- Short Cummings Audio #89
There comes a time in every dad's life when he realizes he's no longer the competitor he used to be. Somewhere along the line he's lost the skills and reflexes of his youth and his kids can beat him. It's the day when he passes the video game
…Pet Supplies -- Short Cummings Audio #88
If I'm the master of my household pets, why was I the one standing in line at the pet supply superstore shepherding two carts through the check-out line? The answer is simple; I'm a pawn of the pet-tech-industrial complex.
In case you
…...But I Play One on TV -- Short Cummings Audio #87
The real problem with television isn ât violence, or inappropriate content, or news stories which appear to have been invented just before the cameras rolled. The real problem is that kids are imitating the stuff they see between the
…Words, Words, Words -- Short Cummings Audio #86
Sometimes I feel like my life is really a movie; you know the kind where there's some kind of cipher and everyone else is in on the secret but me ... The DUH-Vinci Code. It'd probably be a lot easier if people stopped trying to communicate
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