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New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour ***** Didn't Keep You Up

theonion.com — Roommate Brian Penderman, 26, announced Monday morning that he hopes the loud bumping, grinding, and moaning of the five-hour-long ***** he had with his girlfriend did not in any way prevent you from sleeping last night.

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  • JJCDAD, on 05/19/2008, -8/+215Very rare for one article to use the term "*****" 15 times. Dugg.
    • CharlesDance, on 05/19/2008, -0/+814 including title.
      • ferrariman60, on 05/19/2008, -1/+3Yeah, I was gonna say, I counted 13, the title, and this story's own digg thing on the side of the page = 15. 13 in the article, but the point is, they said "*****" a lot.
      • enignock, on 05/19/2008, -2/+3But who's counting? Right? Seriously. Get a life.
        • exomni, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2Apparently JJCDAD was, and he couldn't even do that right. Being able to count accurately past ten shouldn't be a big deal that would somehow get in the way of you "having a life".
    • jontyf, on 05/19/2008, -12/+6I could find you an article with more.

      But posting such a story would no doubt be in violation of digg policy.
      "Article 12.6 - No article may use the term '*****' more than 15 times."

      Look it up, it's there.
    • exomni, on 05/19/2008, -0/+3I only count 13 in the article, 14 if you count the title, and 15 if you count the title a second time in the little "most dugg onion stories" section on the left side.
    • geetin, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1yup.. 13 times. 14 including title
  • monospaced, on 05/19/2008, -8/+146Oh, The Onion, you never fail to please.
    • beatrixkiddo, on 05/19/2008, -1/+4I guess I was really tired or something the day that I read about Bill Clinton running for President. That was the first and last time The Onion got me.

      GG Onion!
    • metalhead87, on 05/19/2008, -9/+1I guess it's just me, but I thought it was, "The Onion, you always fail to please."
    • moofer, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4Neither does that roommate
    • shakbhaji, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5That's what she said.
    • bcclist, on 06/11/2008, -1/+1It's seems like just the other day - I don't know, 5 or so years ago - the onion was actually funny. maybe it's the snl effect - you think the current offering is horrible. but, eventually things only got lamer and you insist how great it is used to be back in the day?
  • amanilaenvelope, on 05/19/2008, -31/+6how the hell does someone last that long?
    • arsoneffect, on 05/19/2008, -1/+27its easy.

      bring:

      an inhaler
      bottled water
      lube
      and a stack of chinese delivery pamphlets
    • baldduck, on 05/19/2008, -2/+11In case you haven't noticed, The Onion is not a serious institution. And anyway, what paper would report this sort of thing? If its been in the Times, I've been reading the wrong sections.
      • amanilaenvelope, on 05/19/2008, -1/+4I know its not a real news website DURRR i was just asking how it was possible for a man to last that long but i need not wonder no more thanks to arsoneffect.
      • poxonyou, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1Take viagra.
    • Punkazz189, on 05/19/2008, -6/+1Well, if you read the article, it's clear the alleged ***** did not happen, and said roommate is only trying to look like he is getting it regularly.
    • BN2L, on 05/19/2008, -2/+5Cocaine
    • Heavypettingzoo, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1When you meet the right girl (hot enough), you wont need any encouragement. You'll never want to stop.
  • sanman, on 05/19/2008, -38/+3obscenity - they're obviously competing with

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/
    • saxreturns, on 05/19/2008, -0/+26The Mash have only been around for a year or so. The Onion have been doing this for as long as I can remember...
    • Yesplease, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1Man, besides the onion being around for a lot longer, if they're competing with that link you sent, they are CRUSHING them.
  • The0, on 05/19/2008, -6/+325I always have to apologize for my *****.

    And by *****, I mean LAN parties :-/

    Although in my defense, there is a lot of tea-bagging.
    • xTRUMANx, on 05/19/2008, -51/+6And by LAN parties, you mean playing online (i.e. no friends to LAN with)
      • romistrub, on 05/19/2008, -0/+28He is way funnier than you will ever be.
      • corryface, on 05/19/2008, -1/+5that was an awful attempt at abuse.
      • darthdusty, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1yes this.....attempt....it is just terrible.
    • matschig, on 05/19/2008, -17/+4That's disgusting.
      • moofer, on 05/19/2008, -1/+5Haven't seen any games of Halo being played then?
    • Kyrgizion, on 05/19/2008, -2/+35Don't worry about that, it's only gay if balls are touching.
    • Gwennyk, on 05/19/2008, -2/+24I like LAN parties :) if only my boyfriend would get off the computer once everyone had gone home :(
      • jp12380, on 05/19/2008, -8/+4An attractive girl that likes LAN parties.... No way.
        • Gwennyk, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4I'd like them more if I could strafe on cs! haha!
        • enignock, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2She likes LAN parties. By default she is not attractive.
        • greenlight2001, on 05/19/2008, -1/+3Her pictures have funny angles. Remember that chick on Myspace? http://www.officialdatingresource.com/beware-the-d ...

          Never trust a funny angle picture.
        • Gwennyk, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1hmm my pictures have funny angles?
          I guess you're right, if I was really pretty I'd put the greek symbol for medicine as my profile picture. (Y)
          The 2 angles on there may be funny, but still better than no angles at all.
          And as for you enignock, Anyone who has to have Borat as a picture of themselves really can't be judging anyone based on their interests k.
      • xerox, on 05/19/2008, -2/+1run!
      • leerayIG88, on 05/19/2008, -10/+4omg Gwennyk....
        *fapfapfapfap
      • kevlarbaboon, on 05/19/2008, -0/+12You seen what you've done now?!
      • Gwennyk, on 05/19/2008, -1/+5hmm I think I'll keep my cs stuff to myself...
      • SickTear, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2+200 profile views
    • iMoth, on 05/19/2008, -0/+3LMFAO!!
      i duggz you up 1 point!
  • wrongonce, on 05/19/2008, -4/+82Kevin Knoedler, I'm deeply sorry for senior year. The walls were thin, I knew it and I didn't care.
    • Shawshanksr, on 05/19/2008, -1/+21i really doubt that it was anyone who is on digg
    • hodrige, on 05/19/2008, -0/+20Yeah, but Kevin Knoedler is....
    • greenlight2001, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1*pfffft*... I used to do chicks in undergrad right in the SAME room that my roommate was in. What are you suppose to do when your dorm *room* is all you have? If he looked like he was sleeping before we began, it was a go.
      • Smoo930, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1Sock / tie on the door handle... and have your roommate fend for himself for the night.
        • greenlight2001, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1Well, he was usually already asleep when me and my female companion strolled into the room. I'd would have had to have woken him up and kick him out to do that. I never really planned sex that far into the future to pre-warn him. Besides, I think he liked it. He was a Mormon, probably the most exciting to happen to him in his life up to that point. He was routinely in bed at 8 pm and up at 4:30 a.m.
    • notwizt, on 05/21/2008, -1/+0I think you completely missed the point on how the article makes fun of douchebags like yourself.
  • sobe86, on 05/19/2008, -3/+63Oh man, that was spot on. I used to live with a guy who had an almost pathological need to tell the rest of the flat when he had had sex with his girlfriend the night before ,even though most of us had girlfriends too. Seriously all of you, don't ever be 'that guy', having sex with your girlfriend is not impressive, it does not make you a player.
    • poxonyou, on 05/19/2008, -0/+44I had a roommate whose gf would scream every ***** time. It was like she was trying out for a porn video, completely ridiculous. It drove everyone nuts. For awhile, we thought he was watching porn vids really loud.
      • Heavypettingzoo, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1It's great when your flatmate has a ***** while you are also having a *****. One time the girls could hear each other screaming...it was magical...but not for the 6 other people we lived with.
    • Merendino, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5Yeah but when she screams in ecstasy, if she normally doesn't, it is completely worth it. Even if other people are privy to the vocals.
    • junkwheel, on 05/19/2008, -7/+2"Having sex with your girlfriend does not make you a player"

      Also, if you're a male, being attracted only to women does not make you gay.
  • SilenceGold, on 05/19/2008, -26/+9It must be an unattractive female. I don't know of any hot chicks that would let you do that that long.
    • xTRUMANx, on 05/19/2008, -18/+3Got a sex change recently? *points at profile*
      • xTRUMANx, on 05/19/2008, -3/+14Damn, just realized your comment started with 'It' not 'I'. I need some sleep...
    • wild, on 05/19/2008, -2/+56Then you don't know what you are doing.
    • SpectralSounds, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6What the hell are you even talking about? That doesn't make any sense.
      • katulatakulu, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4it does if you take "you" to mean "me" and " that long" to mean ""
  • curseoflou, on 05/19/2008, -19/+5didn't know the onion used profanity like that. i love profanity, but it just seems awkward coming from the onion. still funny though
  • BizarreNews, on 05/19/2008, -7/+3they kept me awake all night long... damned onion.
  • N3M3515, on 05/19/2008, -9/+3***** son, looks like I win... your 6 to my 7.5 hours would say I was keepin YOU up last night!
  • suzywang3000, on 05/19/2008, -5/+174no problem dude, I had a 5 hour wankfest.
  • Cyberdactyl, on 05/19/2008, -17/+4Can anyone say, "TOOL" ?
  • Kupotek, on 05/19/2008, -23/+2This is news?
    • purzzzell, on 05/19/2008, -0/+8No, this is comedy, but it's still in the wrong topic.

      Geez, since when is Digg strictly a "NEWS" site.
      • shawnz, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1perhaps he was implying that his roomate does this often
    • Punkazz189, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1This is the Onion
    • Willforbes, on 05/19/2008, -3/+0YOUR MOM IS NEWS! OOH BURN
  • dagr8tim, on 05/19/2008, -28/+5Why do Onion stories make the front page of digg???

    Buried for lame.
    • Cglass, on 05/19/2008, -2/+7becuz tey are teh funny1!11!1

      no but seriously they are pretty funny
    • CaptainM4d, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2Buried for being lame.
  • jontyf, on 05/19/2008, -11/+1It's like april fools day all over again...
    • booticon, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5You've never read The Onion, have you?
  • WaveRunningNakd, on 05/19/2008, -17/+39There's really no reason to have sex for that long.

    After 1-2 hours, I am most likely bored, sore, and in need of a sammich.
  • warlokaz2004, on 05/19/2008, -45/+16in '96 I dated a girl was a stripper (and self proclaimed nympho) and shared my 2 bedroom place with some film students. She needed ***** everytime she came over....one time I came out of my bedroom (for some O.J. in the fridge) and there were 3 guys on the couches in the mainroom (studying for school) and they stopped and gave me an ovation.
    • doctorfungi, on 05/19/2008, -1/+54If we rearrange the grammar in that first sentence without changing the words, we get:

      "In '96 I dated a girl, was a stripper (and self proclaimed nympho), and shared my 2 bedroom place with some film students".
    • dazparkour, on 05/19/2008, -2/+8-6?

      Wow.

      I believe you though.
    • zimbra, on 05/19/2008, -1/+9She obviously ***** you so hard your sense of irony was completely destroyed.
    • JrGhoull, on 05/19/2008, -1/+7true or not the last line of that little story was funny enough for me to digg you up. i guess everyone is digging you down due to the high number of ***** festivals (***** for short) which you have already experienced.
      • warlokaz2004, on 05/20/2008, -1/+0Yeah, you need to factor in the fact the average Digger is a virgin living in his mom's basement. For my sake, I was pleasantly remembering my 20's, as I cannot get that level of play in my life at this current time. My advice to young guys everywhere when you find yourself dating those nympho strippers -- enjoy those moment's -- it'll be something to tell the grandsons about. ;)
    • J3EBS, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1Pics or it didn't happen.
  • prkchpsndwiches, on 05/19/2008, -4/+104Best line: "Confessing that the ***** had taken a considerable toll on his body, Penderman voiced numerous complaints ranging from aching arms to chafed knees to a sore penis. Penderman went on to explain that the reason his penis was so sore was because it had repeatedly entered and exited a female vagina the night before."
  • WTFppl, on 05/19/2008, -9/+1Unless you share a room with the person you live with, wouldn't people who live together in the same house be considered "housemates"?
    • bxblox, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5If they're not in a house, shouldn't they be considered "apartmates."
    • Jennefah, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1In the UK we'd call them "flatmates"... which doesn't imply the lack of three dimensionality on their part that you might expect.
  • Zachari, on 05/19/2008, -2/+25I want to ask this guy a few questions. If I get 30 minutes, I'm going to buy myself a celebratory gift of some sort or at the least expect a handshake from someone important!
  • cowsgonemadd3, on 05/19/2008, -23/+6F bomb and dirty stupid story = fail
    • IllBeBack, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1There is nothing dirty about sex. Even when you call it a *****, it's still just good old clean hot sex. Unless you're talking about a dirty sanchez. That's on the dirty side of things...
  • TopTenTodd, on 05/19/2008, -24/+6Why do people put stupid The Onion stories on Digg?
  • NoQuarter, on 05/19/2008, -5/+12I've always wondered why students share rooms at college in the US. In the UK it's almost unheard of, lots of student accommodation over here is even en suite.

    Anyone care to enlighten me?
    • talonstriker, on 05/19/2008, -2/+32Colleges are too stupid to build new dorms. Instead they waste all their money on ***** stadiums. So students have to share rooms in dorms.
    • normalkid0615, on 05/19/2008, -0/+18america will do anything to pinch pennies. we have 4 person suites now, its the NEW style. new style = its cheaper
    • Punkazz189, on 05/19/2008, -19/+3Because in America (the real world, not your fake Epcot land) we share rooms to build bonds that will last for decades.
    • multimed, on 05/19/2008, -0/+14Students are poor. Generally the choice is between splitting rent & sharing an apartment or going without booze - guess which way most go?
      • homanh, on 05/19/2008, -1/+6I think you misunderstand, us students in the UK also share houses and apartments, the questions is why do you have to be stuffed in the same ***** room!
        • IllBeBack, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5Calm down there, chief. I understand that you believe that all Americans are idiots, so please show how far above us you are and retain some composure, alright?
    • johnholden, on 05/19/2008, -0/+10They do it because it's that much cheaper so the financially-struggle higher education system can get additional revenue. When I was at school, to live on campus you paid an equivalent of $1200/month to rent a 120 square-foot single dorm room by yourself, and even at that you shared a bathroom and kitchen with 6 other students. A standard meal plan ran you an additional $500/month and was required for all students living on campus. The only advantage was a 3-minute walk to class. In most situations, senior students in the US rent apartments off-campus and save considerable amounts of money--not to mention living off campus affords students much greater freedom without the aegis of campus security to enforce college policies.
      • chedabob, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2Christ. I thought $7000 for 42weeks was expensive.
    • jamesdew, on 05/19/2008, -5/+1ye what if you need a wank?
      • jamesdew, on 05/19/2008, -5/+0oh ye for the benefit of you americans wank = masturbate
      • talonstriker, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2there's usually enough privacy to do that :)
      • wooFmeoWoinK, on 05/19/2008, -2/+17american's dont masturbate, we are too busy praying and eating mcdonalds.
        • uhhNo, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1, shopping at walmart and watching fox news.
      • shoeberto, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6One of the guys on my floor would just write "Muskrat" on the whiteboard on his door and lock his room.

        Personally I just memorized my roomie's class schedule and planned around that...
    • brossatscu, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5I honestly like the fact that we share rooms in college. It makes for a better environment in the residence halls. At my school, the new trend is "suite" style residences. They're pretty much apartments without a kitchen. The rooms are singles, but those kids are lame and usually lock themselves in their room all day. The social students actually prefer living in the older residence halls with a roommate.

      • jamesdew, on 05/19/2008, -1/+5why not have your own rooms with communal TV-kitchen etc. That way you can have privacy and socialising as and when you feel like it
        • talonstriker, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1Because that's too communist. j/k Actually that occurs in a limited scale--depending upon which dorm you happen to be assigned to. Really, dorm room conditions vary according to colleges. Private colleges usually are more well equipped. But public universities aren't.
    • dixienormous101, on 05/19/2008, -3/+3Uh, i think we know what "wank" means. Do you know the concept of culinary skills, or say, a toothbrush?
    • notwizt, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1In Sweden the phenomenon of shared rooms among college students does not exist at all, to my knowledge. Personally I live in a corridor where we share a kitchen but that's about as personal as it gets here among the polar bears.
  • Skooma714, on 05/19/2008, -2/+36After like 3 hours and you need to sleep. Just bust down the door and just stare at them for like 15 minutes.
    • moofer, on 05/19/2008, -0/+15Just stare?
    • djdole, on 05/19/2008, -2/+2And when the dude asks you to join in spite of the girls objections? O_O
      ewwwww
    • Haroshia, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5Stare and smoke a cig...then you'll be "That guy" in the pornos...
    • skoubydoo, on 05/22/2008, -0/+1No! You come down the door with a camcorder and blame it on your roommate!
  • CaptainM4d, on 05/19/2008, -0/+25I'm really excited that this was written in the second person perspective.
  • connorcrehan, on 05/19/2008, -4/+92I had a roommate who did something like this. One night he had a girl stay over, but told me they weren't going to be doing anything so I just went to sleep. I wake up at about 7:00 AM to noises that sound like movement on their side of the room, but I try to ignore it and go back to sleep. But 5 minutes later I hear him say "but he's five feet away from us" and my eyes dart open and I think that I'm either just in time or far too late. Then she says "but he's probably asleep". I take this chance to say "***** I am" and sit up. My roommate's stunned for a few seconds and then says "Yeah, I think he's awake."

    Friends don't let friends room with people from Jersey.
    • JammoBlammo, on 05/19/2008, -3/+67You would brag about cockblocking your friend? I'd have taken the opportunity to see her goods.
    • normalkid0615, on 05/19/2008, -5/+5LMAO @ jersey

      SO TRUE
    • spillwater, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4does anybody else get the paper version of the onion. i was surprised to to see it.
      i get it free from campus.
    • caramba420, on 05/19/2008, -2/+1You should have just jerked off to it.
    • sparkleton, on 05/19/2008, -0/+7There is a subtle difference between ***** blocking and having to ignore people having sex five feet from your bed.
    • Rodalli, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2I have both had sex with a girlfriend while my roommate was "asleep" in the same room and had my roommate bang her boyfriend while I was "asleep" in the same room. But I've never banged my roommate.

      Fact: No matter what anyone says or thinks, they are never asleep. And if they are, they won't be asleep for long. Even if they're quiet as a mouse, there's some subconscious alarm that goes off when you're in the same room with two people having sex that will cause you to wake up. You'd have to be some kind of half-man half-ent to sleep through that.
  • Isoptera4, on 05/19/2008, -21/+5Buried for upping stupid crap from the onion. Total fail.
  • Ratteler, on 05/19/2008, -5/+60Only 5 hours. Amateur.
  • JYoungest1, on 05/19/2008, -7/+1I love how they are making fun of regular online news reports. Its the subtle details and interviews with reoccurring statements.
  • normalkid0615, on 05/19/2008, -9/+1dugg cause I have had a 5 hour fest before. not going to mention what I was "using" at the time...
  • NCg8r, on 05/19/2008, -0/+198We lived in a cheap apartment with thin walls and the people upstairs would grunt one out at 3 or 4am all the time. She would SCREAM and SCREAM and SCREAM until I just couldn't take it anymore. Despising myself for even considering it, I banged on the ceiling and gently asked them to STFU. They were quiet for about a week, then they resumed. I resumed pounding the ceiling, and eventually they ignored our pleas for nighttime peace.

    So I decided to stop banging on their floor and began banging on the ceiling of my office (which, being my spare bedroom, was located directly under their child's bedroom). I'd make scary monster noises and scream until I heard crying, then foot-steps to check on the kid. We only had to do this 3 times, then they figured out how to plug a farking sock in it when they want to get busy at 4am...
    • carrtoonist, on 05/19/2008, -2/+50brilliant.
    • Vector713, on 05/19/2008, -1/+52Well played, sir.
    • JrGhoull, on 05/19/2008, -1/+10lol dugg for making me laugh, and being an ***** (though i'm not saying they didnt deserve it)
    • Haroshia, on 05/19/2008, -0/+26Great job buddy. Now that kid is going to grow up assuming a woman screaming in ecstasy summons monsters.
      • Heavypettingzoo, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1they do...one-eyed, purple-headed ones!
      • ParaSwarm, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1Wahaha. Traumatized for life.
    • ferreth, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2You think like a BOFH
    • imofirey, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2Freaking Awesome!
    • mersaydesbenz, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2checkmate, gin and yahtzee my dear friend . . .
    • Bersy, on 05/19/2008, -1/+0How do you gently ask someone to STFU? *ponders*
      • NCg8r, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1That was kinda my point... I did my best Barry White impression after smacking the ceiling 4 or 5 times: "M-tryin' ta SLEEEEP!!!!". A few minutes later, she's back to screaming like she was sh1tt1ng out a vegetable peeler.
  • CrashRhinoceros, on 05/19/2008, -14/+2Oh yay. The Onion does it again and this time it's sprinkled with NSFW language. And good for you too DIGG. If it takes these measures to reach an audience through an information outlet such as this one, perhaps re-thinking the enterprise is in order.
  • maelnum, on 05/19/2008, -6/+8Don't worry. I was filming...and webcasting...and profiting...
  • kidathinnes, on 05/19/2008, -6/+1I love The Onion!
  • Mjv21, on 05/19/2008, -8/+0Man, I'm telling you right now this ***** would not have flown in my house. First off, bragging about doing your girlfriend would be grounds for beatings. Second of all, if any amount of sex was keeping anyone up for an extended period of time, we just straight up performed a rodeo. Walls in our college house were thin, but the lock on bedroom doors could always be opened with a swift kick.
  • noctu, on 05/19/2008, -0/+28what a *****
  • devzer0, on 05/19/2008, -6/+17No, dude, I didn't mind at all. As long as you didn't mind the loud, constant FAP-FAP-FAP coming from just outside your door. Hey, do you have any naked pics of your chick? Are her ***** real? They look real. Man, they're big. Do you think she really had all those orgasms, or was she faking some?
  • crispynoodle, on 05/19/2008, -6/+0Probably the most juvenile bit of bragging I've ever read
  • Willforbes, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1:o~
  • Tyr7BE, on 05/19/2008, -3/+25Did anyone else see "Five Hour ****" on their Google feed and think "jesus, who exactly is taking a five hour *****?"
    • RadicalEdward, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4Exactly what i thought when i first saw it. lol.
    • BigPapi, on 05/19/2008, -0/+7That would be me. It's the highlight of my ***** day.
  • Thrilltone, on 05/19/2008, -3/+7Squealers are the best but once I drug home this skinny little French checkout girl and she issued forth screams that sounded like she was in dire need of rescue. I had to repeatedly cease my activities, just to have her reassure me that she was indeed, alright. It all seemed more of a performance, than unbridled passion. I did have new roommates at the time and I faced some nervous questioning in the morning.
    • magnetarc, on 05/19/2008, -0/+7dragged or drugged? I can imagine the latter might lead to the former.
  • jbcsee, on 05/19/2008, -0/+47My freshman year I had a roommate who brought home someone new every weekend. We had the furniture in the room organized so that we couldn't see each others beds, and he would tell the girls he brought home, "Don't worry he's a heavy sleeper." I'm surprised to this day how many of them didn't object.

    Some of the women he brought home where very open, they would stay in bed sans clothes and blankets all morning while I got up and got ready for class. A few of the more open ones would even talk with me in the morning, for some reason they didn't find the situation awkward at all.

    Towards the end of the year I got fed up with it and one night I got up and got dressed. On the way out the door I said, "***** you won again, I left the $20 on your desk." About five minutes later I saw her fleeing down the hall and then went back to bed.
  • clutchdude, on 05/19/2008, -3/+12need to see pics of girlfriend....to see if 5 hours are worth it...
    • zionsrogue, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1lol what would the internet be without pictures? oh thats right. ASCII porn
  • kahakauai, on 05/19/2008, -6/+3The only thing that would amaze me about this is that this dude has a girlfriend...
    • EbowUK, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1When thats finished amazing you, head on over to bonsaikitten.com and be outraged about small kitties in jam jars.

      Oh, and welcome to the internet! :)
      • kahakauai, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1I love bonsai kittens. I have 3 of them that I keep on a shelf in my bathroom
  • Pixelpaws, on 05/19/2008, -1/+10When I saw this headline, I thought one of my roommates had written it. And yes, you did keep me up. And even in the other room I could tell your lover was faking it.
  • Muligan21, on 05/19/2008, -1/+16Liar... I hope his hand is ok..
  • Ibox, on 05/19/2008, -1/+5Hell if you do it right the first time, you shouldn"t have to wrestle around for 5 hrs... :)

    OGC
  • ecrunner, on 05/19/2008, -2/+1bad writing. wasted a good story.... is this an apology letter or onion news?
  • spillwater, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1federline? really
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