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See the original image at cracked.com —

MI-6 to CIA: 5 Top Secret Agencies (Who Want to Hire You)

cracked.com — Did you dream of growing up to be James Bond when you were a kid? Are you still dreaming of it? Lucky for you, becoming a spy doesn't involve getting thrown into a van with a blindfold. You can just apply on their website, like any other job.

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  • bluepill2, on 08/15/2008, -5/+99Alright here's a joke I haven't heard in a while about the Mexican secret agency, the Judiciales (or Policia Judicial Federal, aka "Los Judas").

    It goes, there was once a contest between the top secret agencies of several countries which consisted in releasing a rabbit in the woods, then finding it again one day later (look, its a joke, okay?). So first at bat is the Americans, the CIA, with a lot of high-tech spy gear and satellite photos, and radar ***** and unmanned spy drones and stuff, they get the rabbit in 20 hours. Then its the chinese which conduct a massive raid of all bunnies in the woods which was then filtered down via DNA matching. They get the rabbit in 18 hours. Then its the russians; the KGB-like body had infiltrated the contest officials, paid off several insiders and had a network of small furry creatures selling information all throughout the woods. They get the rabbit in just 16 hours. Then its the mexicans. The Judiciales return in just 5 hours, and they carry with them a dog that has been bloodied and beaten to within an inch of its life, and keeps screaming "I AM THE RABBIT!! I AM THE RABBIT, I SWEAR!!"

    I can say this joke cuz I'm half mexican. Now digg me down.
    • jtbell04, on 08/15/2008, -1/+74Expect to see Carlos Mencia claiming responsibility for that joke in a fortnight.
      • bluepill2, on 08/15/2008, -0/+22True that.
        And I hate his guts. I don't know a single half OR full mexican who actually likes Mencia. He's a pendejo.
      • Merp08, on 08/16/2008, -0/+18I'm Mexican and I hate the son of a bitch.
      • spar303, on 08/16/2008, -0/+7lol so true
      • Elranzer, on 08/19/2008, -0/+2Why would any Mexican like Carlos Mencia? He's not Mexican.
    • theholotrope, on 08/16/2008, -6/+3I just happen to like turtles.
      • jnordb, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3Did you know that the turtle is nature's suction cup?
    • jakeshdaddy, on 08/16/2008, -1/+59I can laugh at that joke cuz I eat Mexican food.
    • thereisnostate, on 08/16/2008, -1/+12Actually anyone of any ethnicity is free to make a joke of any type at least in countries where there is free speech. Your ethnicity doesn't give you ownership over an entire category of jokes.
    • ruddy, on 08/16/2008, -0/+29as another half mexican, i approve this joke. this joke is now fair game because it has been approved by the entire mexican body. enjoy
      • MOJIRA, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1Two Mexicans is a majority? Wow, I wish the US government worked that efficiently.
      • nickbarber, on 08/16/2008, -0/+6@MOJIRA
        It was a joke. Two half mexicans make one mexican, hence "it has been approved by the entire mexican 'body'."
    • Overcyn, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3can someone explain this? im so lost.
      • themellowmarsh, on 08/16/2008, -2/+0yeah same here. . . is there a stereotype I'm missing?

        You hear the one about the british guy who found his wife in bed with two other men? I gather they're quite polite because he then says "Hello, hello, hello!"
      • o0adam0o, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2Yes. Lets just say in Mexico...they treat all their suspects as if they were in Guantanamo...thus getting alot of false confessions after some "interrogations"
    • Merp08, on 08/16/2008, -1/+5As a Mexican I fully endorse this joke.


      Mexican powa!
      • blackdude, on 08/16/2008, -1/+2...*****, I hate it when I ***** up.
    • blackdude, on 08/16/2008, -5/+1Good Joke

      "I can say this joke cuz I'm half mexican. Now digg me down."

      This was the best part, buried.
    • spar303, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2lol good one :)
    • dstz, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1I am the terrorist, I am the terrorist, I swear.
    • urik88, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1I know this joke, but we use the Buenos Aires police instead of the Judiciales.
    • o0adam0o, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3Ive heard the a similar one,

      except they were trying to investigate the origins/history of a newly discovered Pyramid. The rest of the countries sent their best historians/scientist/archaeologist for montghs to investigate but none could get much info....The Mexican sent their own secret agency..just 2 guys. 4 hours later they come out with their shirt sweaty and sleeves rolled up and say... "well it took us a while but the F!@#n mummy finally cracked...."


      (they managed to beat the mummy back to life and made it tell them everything abnout the pyramid)
      • Merp08, on 08/17/2008, -0/+2As a Mexican I fully endorse this joke.
  • salamnder, on 08/15/2008, -11/+2dugg up for good joke
    • Azohko, on 08/16/2008, -1/+6Dugg down for not replying. Shameless exploitation of the system to attract more people to your comment, Despite the fact that it is clearly in response to the joke.
      Sorry, I'm a hard ass.
  • kingmanic, on 08/15/2008, -3/+37MI6 had Russian moles in various high profile management positions.
    The CIA is better known for it's epic failures then it's successes.

    The NSA and Mossad makes both the CIA and MI6 look like amateurs. I don't know anything about ASIS, so either they do a good job of keeping their activity secret or there really isn't anything to do for intelligence agency in Australia.
    • funkyloki, on 08/16/2008, -3/+12"I don't know anything about ASIS, so either they do a good job of keeping their activity secret or there really isn't anything to do for intelligence in Australia."

      Fixed it for ya.
    • OpenRevolt, on 08/16/2008, -7/+6Yeah I want to join Mossad -- oh wait I'M NOT JEWISH

      I wanted to bulldoze girls and blow people up so bad too...
      • dkapuchino, on 08/16/2008, -3/+2If you want to bulldoze girls and blow people up, you're better off joining Hamas.
        Just mentioning you have thoughts of the sort will get you kicked out of any Israeli military/intelligence position.
    • sanman, on 08/16/2008, -3/+2There's no mention of Pakistan's ISI, a CIA student who exceeded the teacher. They've had some pretty successful operations like 9/11 and 7/7, even though Jihad and Intelligence seem mutually exclusive.
    • synthesis811, on 08/16/2008, -0/+4erm the NSA is signals intelligence only, they don't go out in the field so you can't compare them to CIA or MI-6 (and the UK equivalent of the NSA is GCHQ).
    • weeFred, on 08/16/2008, -1/+1All intelligence agencies ***** up at some point, Mossad assasinated a Norweigan waiter by mistake during operation wrath of god.
      • dkapuchino, on 08/16/2008, -3/+1While tragic, that is a minor ***** up.
      • funkyloki, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2They actually named an operation "Wrath of God"? That is ***** awesome!
    • chillypacman, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1MI6, CIA and all those are fronts for the real intelligence organizations.
  • Shogi, on 08/15/2008, -1/+21Munich is a perfect example of how incredibly unglamorous the job really is.
  • jtbell04, on 08/15/2008, -2/+7Fun Cracked Comment:

    "CSIS always has a booth when our university or student union does job fairs and similar activities. It's actually kind of sad, though they do tend to attract more traffic than your average summer house-painting gig. Whether our espionage service should be competing with such outlets is another question."

    That's nothing, they had a booth up at my ***** high school.
    • travis1982, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3first rule of CSIS...we don't talk about CSIS.
    • Swanston, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2?? CSIS > CIA
      • DarkDx, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1No.. it's actually

        ??? > CSIS > CIA

        (Don't ask).
  • jakash, on 08/15/2008, -2/+21"What about the A-Team? Putting an end to jibba jabba one fool at a time."
    By CodyCastor in the comments.
  • iwearsocks, on 08/15/2008, -5/+2Forget setting up recruitment booths, these agencies should start advertising on sites like match.com or in the personals. The best secret spies are always newly dumped chicks.
  • bigpj, on 08/15/2008, -6/+1cryptoGRAPHY
    • ParanoydAndroid, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3cryptography = secret writing A.K.A making codes
      Cryptanalysis = breaking codes
      cryptology = the study of all aspects of the art, including both cryptography and cryptanalysis.
  • SouljaBoySTFU, on 08/16/2008, -6/+10Cracked.com is a great way to kill time!


    I'm going to get buried =(
  • notthatnoise, on 08/16/2008, -1/+7dugg for condescending remark about 4chan.
  • Jaman85, on 08/16/2008, -5/+2I guess if I wanted to be apart of a propaganda machine, I would go join McCain's campaign team. At least I wont get shot there....on second thought?
    • notthatnoise, on 08/16/2008, -1/+4you never can tell where cheney might be lurking
  • jfarquhar, on 08/16/2008, -1/+6Wow, some hilarious Australian stereotypes there, haven't heard those ones before! Fosters? Genius!
    • CrazyChair, on 08/16/2008, -2/+0Did a dingo eat your baby? Throw another shrimp on the barbie!

      Comedy gold.
  • thereisnostate, on 08/16/2008, -1/+19There is nothing glamorous about being a spy. Starting pay for the CIA is relatively low. Many of them are just desk jobs. People need to stop thinking hollywood movies are reality.
    • joeydoo, on 08/16/2008, -0/+6.. or is that what they want you to think! It's all a double bluff.
    • Tagaiz, on 08/16/2008, -0/+11Well, once they get assigned overseas the job is very James Bond-esque. While most of it is just meeting with people, collecting information and that sort of thing, the CIA does break in and plant bugs in other countries embassies or their diplomats houses. There are also jobs in Afghanistan that are much more dangerous that do require full arms training and such. So while most of the employees are working in Virginia and DC there is a lot of spy sort of stuff going on. But you are right the pay does suck however almost all expenses are paid such as housing, utilities, vehicle, children s private school education which amounts well over 50k.
      • nomad4, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1I have source amnesia, but I do believe that the CIA has a dedicated team that breaks in and plants bugs. Your average case officer will not be doing that because they are not specialized in that field. In all likelihood training will cover that sort of thing, but my point is that I believe they have highly trained individuals that do nothing but pick locks and plant bugs. A team with expertise in electronic surveillance and security countermeasures would seem more appropriate in sensitive situations, as opposed to a jack-of-all-trades. Most people forget the second part of that phrase: "master of none."

        There are lots of books out there you can read about the CIA. Read enough of them and cull together the commonalities of all these books and you can get a rough picture of what life in the CIA would be like.
      • Tagaiz, on 08/16/2008, -1/+2Trust what I say. That is all.
      • ParanoydAndroid, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1Actually the CIA doesn't plant bugs in embassies or diplomatic residences - It's prevented by law from doing such things. I know it sounds like that doesn't matter nowadays; however, they really follow it... the FBI is the agency authorized to do those jobs (referred to as "black bag jobs"), so the CIA doesn't really need to bother breaking the law, they just send a quick request to the FISA court and let the FBI handle it.
      • weeFred, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2They can plant bugs in other countries embassies as technically it's not US soil.
    • centran, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1Last time I looked up their jobs a "computer job"(ranging from programming to IT to DB maintenance) payed 2 times or more then a field agent(where I assume you are in danger and carry a gun and all that jazz).
      The best part of it is that the requirements for a computer job was way below industry standard. You needed a degree to be a field agent but not for a computer job... I think that might be becuase they rather teach you themselves.
    • bipolarruledout, on 08/16/2008, -0/+7I would rather work in pornography. They need IT people also and it's still a more respectable field.
    • MadHarvey, on 08/16/2008, -1/+0All spies have very exciting jobs. Not all people working for the CIA or similar are spies, and they could have very boring, average or amazingly exciting jobs depending on what they do.

      Also, don't be fooled by the base salary of "field agents." People who work overseas often make a *****-ton of money in extra pay in addition to their base salary, not to mention all their living expenses are covered, so they come home to a pile of money. The unfortunate part is that many do not stay home long enough to enjoy the money...
    • nickbarber, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1If you read on their website, to become a Clandestine Service Operations Officer, you have to work for 1-2 years at a desk job in the CIA headquarters. After that, they are pretty much set out to where they need to go based on their various skills, i.e. language proficiencies. Who knows what could happen with that, because it even said on the site that if you tell anybody that you are applying, or even thinking about applying, then it will have a major effect on what type of missions you will be able to conduct.
  • shylove, on 08/16/2008, -3/+3It may be a good time, the way Huffington and Puffington are going, for Cold War spooks to belly up to Cold War II. Of course we didn't let our Georgia go but that's Russia's problem. Another war for oil is not a big deal just a thermonuclear one like we used to fear. Now we have managed to parlay ignoring 9/11 warnings and whiling away our time on Iraq plans, into fear of complete destruction. If Puffington had to hide under a mt to escape terrorists where does he want to hide from Russian missiles. Oh well, no problem, soon we will just be stuck with a mt of debt and cold war 2.
  • Mononuclear, on 08/16/2008, -1/+5CIA is always at college campuses trying to recruit people. I personally wouldn't want to work there. They are boring under payed jobs where you work long hours with tons of bureaucracy. Make sure you put a cover on the TPS report!!! You also will most likely have your home phone tapped and have very little privacy.

    Take any job with the CIA and you could do that same job for someone else while making more money, less hours, more benefits, more perks, and more freedom to actually do your job and not do paperwork.
    • mark076h, on 08/16/2008, -1/+8It would probably be good to work for the CIA for a few years to look good on your job resume.
      • MadHarvey, on 08/16/2008, -1/+1Actually, it is difficult to have that sort of thing on your resume, because your prospective employer will want to know about what you did, and talk to people that you did it with...

        If you start off in a career in a classified environment, it is much easier to stay in that environment than to try and leave...
      • dkapuchino, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1Mad, while you won't be able to discuss what you did, you'll very often be allowed to discuss technical, non classified experience.
        Nothing is classified about saying "I was a Java programmer in a government intelligence agency for 3 years".
    • outfaller, on 08/16/2008, -0/+0Saw them at my campus and wanted to apply. I looked at their flyer and got disqualified right away for smoking more than allowed pot in the last 3 years. And dropping acid in the last 5 years. Oh well.
  • diggmaddy, on 08/16/2008, -0/+19Ironically, careers section on Mossad's website has an invalid security certificate!
    • dkapuchino, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3Either that, or someone is man-in-the-middle'ing your access to the Mossad's website.
  • ciaran036, on 08/16/2008, -10/+6James Bond is propaganda nonsense to brainwash into thinking these secretive organisations are there for our benefit.

    One such example opposing this ridiculous concept which comes to mind is the CIA and MI5 participation in the murder of 30 innocent civilians during the Omagh bombings of 1998 in Northern Ireland. Whilst we were made to believe that an Irish terrorist group were responsible, it was later widely reported that two MI5 agents and one CIA agent had infiltrated the organisation, and that they were "largely responsible" for the attacks. No-one, not even the genuine members of this Irish terrorist group were ever caught.
    One of those agents had his identity revealed, and it turned out that he was already involved in building a mortar device used to murder a policeman and was an expert in explosive charges. These agents regularly reported to their bosses. One recorded report detailed how these agents knew the bomb plot, knew what vehicle would be used and where the bomb would go off. Neither organisation told the police - thus no-one was properly informed and the bomb went off as planned.

    During the conflict over the years, there were many known examples of false flag and government sponsored terrorism, government sponsored death squads and informers and double-agents spying on dissidents and orchestrating attacks.
    Another MI5 agent was uncovered working in a senior position of the opposition political party - Sinn Fein, who opposed British rule.
    The Times also reported several years ago about how MI5 have went "shopping" for the Irish Republican Army, to get explosives and ammunitions.

    To this day, the British have "informers" working in towns and cities all over Northern Ireland, including my own, where they regularly spy on phone calls, including several times where they have spied on young kids as they have congregated in town during the weekend. Whether they are spying on dissidents, acting as agents provocateurs or orchestrating false-flag attacks is unknown, but the evidence points to the utilisation of all these techniques to suppress dissidents and opposition to British rule. This was reported just yesterday on BBC news (I'll try and find the link later).

    Nearly all our governments are utilising these techniques. It's time we stood up and raised our voices.
  • Scaryclouds, on 08/16/2008, -1/+17Dugg for absolutely ridiculous photoshop of rabbi Mat Damon.
  • PolishLogic, on 08/16/2008, -0/+14Travel to foreign lands, meet exotic people and kill them.
    • MOJIRA, on 08/16/2008, -1/+2That's the American way!
    • annenk38, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2USMC is not a clandestine service. Still dugg for reference to FMJ
  • mearom, on 08/16/2008, -1/+4kinda lame for cracked, I have to say
    • QuadZeroRoute, on 08/16/2008, -2/+1It is a service announcement to get people to apply. If you have a 3.5/4.0 and are a graduate student you should apply, otherwise I doubt you hear back from them.
  • leladax, on 08/16/2008, -8/+5YEAH. YOU TOO CAN BECOME A PART OF THE DESTRUCTION OF DEMOCRACY THROUGH COVERT MEANS.
  • leladax, on 08/16/2008, -5/+4proof cracked is a bunch of morons.
    • ciaran036, on 08/16/2008, -1/+1The mentality of young (American) teenage boys.
  • schneid4323, on 08/16/2008, -2/+3Did that article not terrify anyone else? Like the part where the CIA is hiring average joes for government spying, we gave them one rule, just one, nothing domestic.

    Fail.
    • delirium, on 08/16/2008, -0/+4You know they're not hiring average joes to be agents right? There's an army saying, it takes 2 people to support every grunt. I think it would take a lot more to support an agent.
  • fuzzymuzzy, on 08/16/2008, -0/+16"The ASIS is not above dirty business, they just conduct it in lovable Australian fashion. For instance they decided to do a hostage extraction training exercise at the busy Melbourne Sheraton Hotel without bothering to tell anyone at the hotel it was a training exercise."

    Times like these I'm glad to be called an Aussie
    • opiniastrous, on 08/16/2008, -1/+5ASIS lost it's ability to carry weapons after that incident, though that was reversed in 2003 or 2004, if I recall correctly.
  • shawnanigans, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1CSIS is pretty boring because they are purposefully not clandestine. Clandestine operations are expensive and rarely successful, they are cool as ***** but are relatively dumb.
    • travis1982, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3I am in university right now, planning on joining CSIS when I'm done. I have a couple of friends in their right now..and I have heard some ***** up *****. Something about an engineer being scouted for CSIS but not wanting to join, this guy was a friends aunt's sister's boyfriend's father..or something along those lines..anyways, he "disappeared". Also, CSIS is supposed to be solely domestic, yet they offer positions to intelligence officers over seas? I know CSIS isn't the most competent agency out there, with the Amir and air india bombings and such...but I can't wait to get in nevertheless. Hopefully I' wont be flagged for talking about this..because that would suck balls.
  • bipolarruledout, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1I'm sure that if you have so much as looked at an illegal drug then there is no possibility of employment. Then again extensive cocaine and/or heroin experience might be a plus at the CIA.
    • dkapuchino, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1You'd be surprised to know how many people in today's intelligence agencies have smoked pot in the past.
  • spiffyfitz, on 08/16/2008, -0/+8I want to know how I can get into Black Mesa (or at least Area 51).
    • DarkDx, on 08/16/2008, -0/+2Area 51? Join the army and wait a ***** of years to become high range.

      Or become president.... well I don't know if even every president knows what's going on in there, if it's alien stuff maybe it's actually even secret for a president unless they study him, and if it's just experimental aircraft then the pres will know anyway.
  • dstz, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1Ridiculously funny articles that happen to be informative, i like cracked.
  • yetimonster, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1"So top secret we don't even have desks."
  • VVCephei, on 08/16/2008, -1/+0This is extremely awesome to see, but I highly doubt the probability of somebody like me even having a chance, even getting a desk job at a place like SIS would be impossible for me, let alone a job as an international spy... Would be insanely awesome, though.
  • 68parisienne, on 08/16/2008, -0/+1CSE - Canadian Security Establishment
    What you'll do:
    Top secret signals intel unit closely linked to the Yanks NSA. When POTUS wants to wiretap Americans without getting arrested, he doesn't call the NSA he calls the CSE.

    The 'coolest' job in the company:
    Manning the most northernly year round human outpost, CFB Alert, Elsmere Island, NWT. Continually resupplied by airforce C-130 transports from Thule Greenland for the last 50 years, its primary purpose is to listen to Soviet communications. Just think of the movie the Thing, but without the Thingy.

    CSE reports to only the prime minister and operates worldwide. The CSE and CSIS don't trust each other, and they both hate the RCMP ever since the Air India Bombing in '85 which up until 911 was the world's worst act of terrorism.
  • DeuceDiggalow, on 08/16/2008, -5/+0Yea but will it run Crysis?
  • urik88, on 08/16/2008, -0/+3I read an anonymous book written by a spy, that shows the real life of a spy.
    Basically, she's an Iraqi refugee that escaped to Israel from the Saddam Hussein regime after her dad got killed under spying accusations. She got a degree in middle eastern politics, got married, and moved into the US.
    There after some time she finds an ad from some agency looking for someone with knowledge over the middle east, and she applies. Her job was to be a secretary. Slowly, she starts to get in higher positions, and ends up researching the connections between the terrorist groups and the Islamic aid groups in the US.
    So what was her job? Researching, sneaking into hate speeching mosques disguised as a Muslim, and checking the garbage of some people. Then filling reports and let the FBI do their job.
    Damn glamorous and fun...

    Here is the book:
    http://www.amazon.com/Terrorist-Hunter-Extraordina ...
  • mkamal, on 08/16/2008, -1/+3Hire him instead
    http://www.slashfilm.com/wp/wp-content/images/rick ...
  •  

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