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185 Comments
- garrettg84, on 09/05/2008, -3/+99Take a dump in their bed the first day. Tell them to clean it up or you'll rub their face in it. You'll dominate, they'll be terrified of you and you'll never have a problem.
- Cerius, on 09/05/2008, -0/+77My freshman roomate refused to clean and during the course of the year built up a pile of dirty clothes/empty food containers/general trash all over the room. It got serious when he left his dirty underwear on my pillow.
He is still wondering who got through the window to steal his 360 one week before finals week. - pathouston22, on 09/05/2008, -0/+69Roomate and his mother walked in on the day of move in. First thing she said: "Thank god, we thought you were going to be a big black guy!"
One of many first realizations that most people are really racist in some way or another, even if they deny it. - Meowfaceman, on 09/05/2008, -3/+60You guys don't even know. You can't even comprehend how good you have it. Your first roommate was way better than mine. I don't care how bad you think he was, he can't compare to mine.
Jeff walks in with his family on the first day while I'm setting my side of the room up. His dad introduces himself to my family by saying "Coerte ****. ******* (place of business). Geophysicist."
Well ***** you too, Coerte. I don't recall anybody caring what the hell your job was. Coerte. Who is named Coerte?
While my dad and I are wiring things and setting up my computer and whatnot, Jeff tries to talk to me. His voice seriously reminds one of Steve Urkel. His first question: "Are you in to military history at all?" He then proceeds to explain to me in great detail the finer points of military history. My dad looks at my apologetically.
As I walk around the halls later on my way to classes and orientation and whatnot, all of the upper classmen who helped during move in all come to apologize to me. One says: "Hey man, if you need a place to crash, you can always crash on our floor." The gesture is much appreciated, but I never took him up on it. My will is far too strong.
I take my friend Clinton to my dorm to show it to him. Jeff walks up to us and wistfully wonders "I wonder if anybody ever got paid for jobs in rocks?" and then walks away. Clinton's eyes widened in abject horror when I told him that Jeff was my roommate.
Throughout the first month, Jeff engages me in conversation while I'm busy ***** around on the internet. This becomes so annoying that I stop responding to him while I'm on the computer. I wear my headphones so it appears that I can't hear him. This, however, does not stop him. He talks to me for upwards of 30 minute stretches without so much as eye contact from me. Absolutely nothing indicates that I am listening, but he continues to talk. About military history.
I'm sitting on my bed one day, reading. He says to me, "You know what would be a really great name for a monster? SLABBERING GAHUGABEAST!!" (pronounced ga-hoo-ga-beast) and then starts laughing crazily to himself. I leave the room.
Another time he says to me, "I wonder if there are any hats made out of eggs?" Thinking he is trying to be funny, I show him http://hatsofmeat.com/. He looks at it, chuckles a little, and then says "Yeah, but what about ones made out of eggs?" This bothered me for several days, as it appeared he had a legitimate interest in egg hats.
Oftentimes, he sat on his bed reading textbooks in his boxers. His loose, loose, oversized boxers. Jeff was not an attractive man by any means. Also, I don't care who you are -- if you're in that situation, you're going to look. You have to know. It's like the sun. Sure it hurts to look at, but god dammit something's compelling you.
Seeing his ass was proof enough that god didn't exist in my world.
I had some friends over once and one grabbed Jeff's chair to sit on while he wasn't there. After a bit of talking, my friend looks down at Jeff's chair and says, "Oh my god." We all look and see a crust of semen stains going down the front of his chair. Eueuehghg.
Eventually, I got out of there and moved into a friends dorm due to a fortuitous set of circumstances. Still, never will I forget what a bad roommate is like. Ugh.
It should be noted: I don't remember seeing him brush his teeth. Ever. - WiretapStudios, on 09/05/2008, -2/+59Fact: It doesn't matter if you are best friends, in a matter of months, you will want to suffocate your roomate with a pillow. If you don't, realize that your roomate secretly wants to suffocate YOU with a pillow.
- inactive, on 09/05/2008, -6/+61I hate my roommate. He's a ***** computer nerd who has no social skills and can't talk about anything else except sci-fi *****.
- eatsushi, on 09/05/2008, -1/+51I had a roomate my freshman year of college that was pretty cool..he banged a girl everyday while I was next to him..so one time during finals I pretended to sleep and as he was doing a girl, I stuck my arm out from under the blankets and said "...hey man, tag me in!.."
We're the best of friends now and talk about that moment til this day. - Mootabolife, on 09/05/2008, -0/+46My advice: Just because you live with them, doesn't mean you have to be best of friends. Just get along if you have to.
- tehrich, on 09/05/2008, -0/+40At SUNY Albany I filled out that form too my freshman year. Only to find out they purposely mismatched people to "promote understanding of other people's ways of life."
- FUR10N, on 09/05/2008, -4/+37I hate my room mate. He looks like he doesn't even know what a computer is, and I'm majoring in computer science, plus he sounds like such a ***** redneck
- WELLDOITLIVE, on 09/05/2008, -0/+31I doubt it works with ducks
- atbnet, on 09/05/2008, -1/+31This technique also works for wives.
/ducks - rald84, on 09/05/2008, -1/+31protip: get your own one bedroom or studio, ASAP. your sanity will thank you.
- ace429k, on 09/05/2008, -1/+30I shared a room with a black guy from Detroit (gansta), a black guy from Whales (with the accent and Ebonics) and a crazy little imp named Tommy who never washed and talked to himself. looked like the uni-bomber. After about a week i became sick of being called "wangsta."
i think i have you all beat. - LeadStripes, on 09/05/2008, -0/+24They didn't mention the ever helpful "your-side-of-the-room-my-side-of-the-room" dividing line.
- MattL920, on 09/05/2008, -0/+23Yeah... my first college roommate (well, suitemate, my actual roommate was cool) said, immediately after we met and were making small talk, "You know, not talking just isn't a natural state for me".
We didn't get along. - oldhick, on 09/05/2008, -0/+23If anyone ever plays a song by Akon, punch them.
- Kelmon, on 09/05/2008, -0/+23With all due respect, it sounds like you have a sitcom ready to roll there. Make notes and you'll make a fortune.
- Atomic05, on 09/05/2008, -0/+23Yeah, you get along.. until the girlfriend that they've been dumping expensive jewelry on dumps them in return and they get ultra-depressed, they never stop talking about her, and they start playing "Lonely" by Akon ALL THE ***** TIME ON REPEAT. I secretly broke this guy's set of speakers after about a month of that ***** song, but the damage had been done.
- babylonian, on 09/05/2008, -0/+22As a freshman in college, I actually love my assigned roommate. At UNCA, you fill out a form when you apply for housing that theoretically matches you up with the best possible person based on sleeping schedule, musical taste, etc. Nobody's requiring you to be best friends, but it's good that some universities, they're trying to make sure roommates are at least basically compatible.
- drmangrum, on 09/05/2008, -1/+23You learn to compromise. If you can't solve your problems, you bring it to your RA or even the Dean of students. Honestly, it's not that bad. The problem is people never learn to respect others space. Just be certain the problem isn't you: Are they really a douche bag or are you just overly demanding?
- jarjarwang, on 09/05/2008, -0/+22My first college roommate failed out from playing too much Counterstrike.
- shredswithpiks, on 09/05/2008, -0/+21This whole dorm thing is kind of a scam anyway. Lots of Universities require you live in the dorm the first year. The dorm is normally a little 6x8 room with two people stuffed in, costs $3k a semester, and you're not allowed to stay over breaks. Basically translating into $750/month to share a closet with some dude you've never met before... at least that's how it works at the college I went to. Also, that's 3/4 the mortgage on a small house in the area... :(
- nickert0n, on 09/05/2008, -0/+21Utilize a readily available smothering device such as a pillow or Care Bear.
- TheHayze, on 09/05/2008, -0/+20Protip: Don't sweat the small stuff.
- zombiecarlin, on 09/05/2008, -2/+22Survive College like you would Prison, beat the ***** out of your roommate that first night and make him your bitch.
- inactive, on 09/05/2008, -1/+20I prefer to simply tell them not to touch my ***** or I"ll kill them in their sleep..then wait until they doze off and just stand next to their bed staring at them until they wake up.
- derek20cali, on 09/05/2008, -0/+17That is the answer to most of life's problems right there, folks.
- mantzdapantz, on 09/05/2008, -2/+18just bring febreze and knockout drugs
- nbcaffeine, on 09/05/2008, -0/+16It's not true for him, so it is obviously wrong for everyone else. Obviously.
- MattB123, on 09/05/2008, -0/+16My freshman year roommate was a nightmare. He'd stay up literally all night just fiddling around the room, periodically waking me up with the tv or stereo. "Oops, sorry." he'd say. Over and over. Then he'd be lounging in his leopard print Speedo-style undies all day with overlapping love handles. He'd bring home some fat slut and do her in the bed next to mine, waking me up to something I really don't want to see. He'd smoke in the room we'd "agreed" was to be non-smoking if I wasn't around, his buddies would leave their chew spit cups on my bedside table, and the list goes on and on.
I wanted to kill him but out of survival I just hung on until he flunked out which thankfully was only a semester and a half. - inactive, on 09/05/2008, -1/+17Classic.
- BrewBeau, on 09/05/2008, -0/+16Because homosexuals are so sex crazed they couldn't keep their hands off of a straight guy?
- stonebone4, on 09/05/2008, -0/+15Leaving a note asking your roommate to do something will never ever be taken as being "nice" no matter how you intended it. She'll just show it to everyone and say things like, "what an *****, she can't even say this stuff to my face."
- wtfmate112, on 09/05/2008, -0/+14It works in prison too.
- erichw1504, on 09/05/2008, -0/+14My first roommate smelled like a dead raccoon stuffed with cottage cheese.
- petebot, on 09/05/2008, -0/+14In my experience, girls have always had the hardest time getting along with their roommates. Where are their stories?
I was actually really lucky with my first roommate. We're still buddies 12 years later. Good god, I'm old... - inactive, on 09/05/2008, -0/+13So, what happened next?........
Don't leave us hanging man...... - sweetwater88, on 09/05/2008, -0/+13I hated my first roommate. He had one bad eye and the other was crooked. Talked day in and day out about his life--even though he has no life. He also played and vented WoW all day long until 3 in the morning.
- stonebone4, on 09/05/2008, -0/+13My first roommate in college was my best friend from high school. We didn't fight a single time. We had previously made agreements that if one was getting on the others' nerves we'd just stop talking for a little bit and go about our business. We're still best friends five years later.
It's about mutual respect more than anything. It's really not as hard as people make it out to be. - Narcism, on 09/05/2008, -0/+12Strange.. but dugg.
- KyleGoetz, on 09/05/2008, -0/+12Agreed. My roommate smoked pot, drank, and had hippie jam sessions in the dorm. I was put off at first, but by the end of things, I was at least participating in the hippie jam session, if not the booze and weed.
- AdamLytle, on 09/05/2008, -1/+13*As my first college roommate snores his ass off in the bed above mine*
- p014k, on 09/05/2008, -3/+15"They've got no choice in a first-year college roommate." Wrong. At the University of Michigan, you can pick your roommate freshman year.
- Divals, on 09/05/2008, -0/+12I think they must have done that at my school (Art Institute of Pittsburgh) too... the second roommate they assigned me smoked like a chimney (I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, which I'd stated clearly on my roommate request form), had a friend who stole my video games, got on my computer to look up porn, and ate my food on my dishes without cleaning up after himself.
- Nesh, on 09/05/2008, -1/+13I have no idea what you just said.
- jaxzin, on 09/05/2008, -0/+12I'll counter that its also not impossible that you'll end up being best friends. 12 years after I met them, both of my first college roommates are still my best friends. Over the years we've been each other's groomsmen and celebrated the birth of each other's children together. Of course, freshmen year I did want to suffocate them both with a pillow.
- petebot, on 09/05/2008, -1/+13Well, i thought it was funny...
- negativefx, on 09/05/2008, -1/+13At what point in college will you learn how to write a coherent statement?
- Kelmon, on 09/05/2008, -0/+12If you can top "Captain Sadness" then I'd be very impressed. Certainly, your guy sounds weird but the guy we got in our first house (there were 4 of us) was just a freak. I ended up having to clear his room at the end of the year so that we could get back our "security deposit" and his room was filled with porn and "devices". Needless to say it was a rubber gloves job.
* Shudders * -
Show 51 - 100 of 186 discussions
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