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See the original image at esquire.com

5 Worst Online Dating Video Profiles

esquire.com — These days, striking out with the opposite sex is as simple as buying a webcam and "being yourself."

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  • magnus3994, on 01/26/2008, -1/+9danny is mad
    • WallnutBoy, on 01/26/2008, -2/+1My names Danny =(
    • CasaMan, on 01/26/2008, -1/+2Sam seems pretty "mad" too. ;)
      Check out the vid on his myspace profile.
      http://www.myspace.com/perfectprofile
      • hypertension, on 01/26/2008, -0/+4Seems viral to me. I mean, come on, he had a MOVIE.
    • theOster, on 01/26/2008, -1/+23the author is an idiot. it's quite clear that danny is not right. and to actually write "Unfortunately Danny’s strength is doing a rather serviceable impression of a man with a traumatic head injury." is IMHO fairly tasteless (not to mention really obtuse).

      the rest of the article was just stupid. these weren't dating profiles (except for sam and danny). horrible.
  • dotlizard, on 01/26/2008, -1/+20i kept looking around to see if i was reading the onion. yikes.
    • p2a1x7, on 01/26/2008, -0/+3It would have been "5 Best Online Dating Video Profiles" and they would have had different commentary on each video if it was the onion
    • jongam, on 01/26/2008, -0/+11The first one mentions a myspace profile ( http://myspace.com/perfectprofile ) which has a video of him going on a date and killing the girl. I'd say that ones a fake to promote the video.
  • betrayed, on 01/26/2008, -0/+13Hello, my future girlfriend,
    • CanNot, on 01/26/2008, -0/+2This is what I sound like. I am eleven years old,
    • midbc, on 01/26/2008, -0/+0bye thanks for stopping by

      ha ha forgot about that little player
  • benroy, on 01/26/2008, -1/+10"1.21 Gigawatts!? 1.21 Gigawatts!? Great Scott!!"
    -Sam
  • Tyrghast, on 01/26/2008, -1/+34Props for danny being honest, that way no one is tricked into keeping those genes in the pool.
    • Klowner, on 01/26/2008, -1/+3He seemed a little borderline retarded, hope he finds someone special.
  • macwac, on 01/26/2008, -0/+8... and their lives were ruined.
  • steveoco, on 01/26/2008, -7/+1There are some classic ones on www.imetamatch.com
  • chingy1788, on 01/26/2008, -0/+4We learnt what not to do
    so where are the best 5 videos so we can learn by example?
    • blackjack75, on 01/26/2008, -0/+4Have you seen the movies War Games?

      The theory about winning a global thermonuclear war does apply to video dating profiles.
  • BeerRules, on 01/26/2008, -1/+17Thank god I wear black shoes, now if only I can find a hip-hip ring tone, like from one of those apple commercials. Oh and I'm over 5'11.
  • WallnutBoy, on 01/26/2008, -4/+12I think the majority of the Digg population would only ever have a shot with Alice Wang.

    -_-
  • Landeyda, on 01/26/2008, -3/+98Oh Chandelier. It's so cute when fat girls think they can be choosers.
    • endrid, on 01/26/2008, -3/+10That is one of the funniest comments I've ever seen in the history of all my internet viewing. I would digg you all day if I could.
    • Tyrghast, on 01/26/2008, -8/+5she didn't look fat...
      • Timmyftw, on 01/26/2008, -2/+13The glasses and the black will do that. Check on myspace, tons of fat chicks wear big glasses to cover their fat faces and then wear black and only be on camera from the shoulder up.
    • Servebot, on 01/26/2008, -7/+4id hit it
      • blackjack75, on 01/26/2008, -0/+10Me too but I am smart enough to write it in a subcomment that gets hidden by default and desperate.
        • kavery, on 01/26/2008, -0/+1Myself as well but I'm also smart enough to state that in a subcomment to previous subcomments.
    • hypertension, on 01/26/2008, -2/+6Know why fat girls give good head?

      'Cuz they have to!
    • Philbert, on 01/27/2008, -0/+1Fat?
  • daxsymbiont, on 01/26/2008, -17/+2GET THE ***** OFF THE INTERNET AND GET SOME LIVES.
  • goldwish, on 01/26/2008, -19/+2
    GET THE ***** OFF THE INTERNET AND GET SOME LIVES.
  • bud38, on 01/26/2008, -1/+13Qualities in a lady, let's see, I look for........ features.

    I think is what he's saying is, No Fat Chicks.
  • weeFred, on 01/26/2008, -0/+28The craziest thing Danny ever done was run across the road without looking..... yeah we could tell. Look both ways kids.
  • endrid, on 01/26/2008, -1/+17Please internets... give us more people that we can laugh at to make us feel better about our own lives!! American Idol on youtube, idiots breaking their necks on break, and vulnerable people, some on the verge of mental retardation, seeking love through one of the only apparent means left, the internets.
    • haterofps3, on 01/26/2008, -2/+2While I don't think anyone deserves to be alone, these people do not need to reproduce!
    • Timmyftw, on 01/26/2008, -0/+2please tell me you are not rapping endrid
    • DiggerUpper, on 01/26/2008, -0/+0I always thought there was only one internet, the World Wide Web.
  • goldwish, on 01/26/2008, -9/+2
    i kept looking around to see if i was reading the onion. yikes.
    • Hoogs, on 01/26/2008, -0/+10Do you just copy other people's comments and use them as your own?
      That's really, really low dude...
  • daxsymbiont, on 01/26/2008, -12/+3GET OFF THE INTERNET AND GET SOME LIVES.
  • sirconsolelot, on 01/26/2008, -2/+0Sweet article, lol.
  • liah, on 01/26/2008, -0/+40Am I the only one who feels bad for Danny? :(
    • TaySavesTheDay, on 01/26/2008, -3/+10I felt bad for Sam. I actually went to his myspace (I'm really bored at the moment) and it seems he lost his gf in a terrible accent and he can't get over it. I couldn't imagine losing someone I loved. Poor guy.
      • bukiyou, on 01/26/2008, -0/+0:((
      • blackjack75, on 01/26/2008, -0/+7May this serve as a lesson to others. Don't do terrible accents. Your girlfriend will probably leave you.
    • jawngee, on 01/26/2008, -0/+3I get the feeling Sam isn't for real. His psychosis is a little too obvious.
      • hypertension, on 01/26/2008, -0/+0He's not. He's got a "movie" on his myspace.
      • abaaa, on 01/28/2008, -0/+1Sam's actually Dennis Hurley. The movie on his myspace is pretty disturbing if you ask me, especially his face near the end of it.
    • wankelrotary, on 01/26/2008, -0/+1I did too. I realize it breaks one of the fundamental laws of the Internet -- Do not feel sympathy for anyone, ever -- but he strikes me as someone that may have a mental disability of some sort and was scared as hell when that was recorded.
    • Acadie, on 01/27/2008, -1/+1I don't feel bad for him, he has the balls to try anyway unlike a subset of losers on the internet who think they are cool because they can take anonymous shots at this man. Hope he finds what he is looking for.
  • Thrilltone, on 01/26/2008, -0/+11I was expecting worse. C'mon, I know they're out there. Links!
    Speaking of online dating douchebags... remember JFP ?
    http://johnfitzgeraldpage.com
  • VIrus9, on 01/26/2008, -1/+18I'm kind of surprised Esquire didn't do a little more research on their subjects. If they had, they might have realized that "Sam" is actually actor Dennis Hurley.
    Here's his imdb page: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1922875/
    You can see the short film in which he plays Sam at http://www.myspace.com/perfectprofile
  • MistySteele, on 01/26/2008, -0/+12My first reaction at seeing the title - There are only five?
  • Dumbledorito, on 01/26/2008, -0/+2"Ach! Back to the loch wi' you, Nessie!"
  • ChesapeakeBaybe, on 01/26/2008, -0/+5No doubt there is someone out there for all these people. Like my mama always says, "There's a lid for every pot."
    • bliz, on 01/26/2008, -0/+4Is there one for me? :(
    • rinote, on 01/26/2008, -0/+3Aw, that's a cute saying. My mama always says, "Don't make the same mistake I did." D:
  • kodax, on 01/26/2008, -0/+4There videos were really awkward more than anything...something we have all been. The author's comments however were very lame.
  • ChileanGoD, on 01/26/2008, -0/+12I was hoping for someone to say "i'll put on my robe and wizard hat"
    • Philbert, on 01/26/2008, -0/+1Blackwolf the Dragonmaster is that you?
  • borez, on 01/26/2008, -0/+5"Want somebody who would like me for who I am for"

    Gotta have features too.

    Alrighty Danny, well done.
  • Yuglooc, on 01/26/2008, -0/+1I want to see more!!!
  • bossm4n, on 01/26/2008, -0/+3I'm fairly certain that interview pushed the limits of Danny's vocabulary.
  • themic, on 01/26/2008, -1/+9"The craziest thing I've done, crossing the street without looking"
    THAT'S SICK ***** you've done Danny
  • Philbert, on 01/26/2008, -1/+3Was that third one "*****" the new Rick Astley?
  • sq2shooter, on 01/26/2008, -0/+11Attn ladies: Just because Paris wears big stupid glasses, does not mean that if you wear them you will look attractive. You will look like a douche.
    • mds76, on 01/28/2008, -0/+210 bucks says that chandelier had Uggs on in the interview.
  • Rapture84, on 01/26/2008, -0/+4I feel sorry for Danny :( He's just like Lenny from Of Mice and Men.
  • fixty, on 01/26/2008, -1/+10This is the best dating video profile:
    http://view.break.com/333231
    • Ireland, on 01/26/2008, -2/+1Likey fake - it's from Matt Damon's new film.
  • telefuturo, on 01/26/2008, -2/+0hahaha yeah ... http://omg.videos.mactanque.com
  • qber, on 01/26/2008, -0/+7Don't you love how with girls like Chandelier everything they say is inflected like a question?
    "I like guys between 5'9" and 5'11"? Because I don't want them to be shorter than me but I don't want them to be really tall??"
    "No black shoes, that's a big no-no? That's like the first thing I look for?"
  • Ireland, on 01/26/2008, -0/+3Conclusion: This writer for esquire is a mean bastard.

    "No girl wants a guy who’s going to make them wear a mask of his ex-girlfriend’s face while they have sex, especially when you know it will end with a tearful orgasm and mumbled whispers of regret. And if she does she’s probably fat." WTF?
    • DaffyDuck, on 01/26/2008, -0/+1Yeah, he really didn't even need to say anything because the video spoke for itself. When Sam said it I literally had a face-palm moment, and I'm a guy.
  • dylangaine, on 01/26/2008, -0/+5save dannys profile for the FBI. in a few years we'll all be like "why didn't we see this coming?"
  • Amentina202, on 01/26/2008, -0/+2I am warm and sensitence.
  • NegativeCool, on 01/26/2008, -0/+0I feel better about myself after watching these videos.
    THANKS DIGG!!! =D
  • Topsiders, on 01/26/2008, -0/+1Where's Ataru? He's kind of a wild and crazy guy, and a barrell of laughs to be around! Also, Danny's in luck if he's looking for a girl with "features." Those types of dames are everywhere.
  • jresuello, on 01/26/2008, -0/+0About that third video--the rapper guy... cornercase.blogspot
  • sharris203, on 01/26/2008, -1/+1the rapping white guy wasn't that bad. seriously. and like the article said, he could probably get many girls, but without herpes.
  • HappyDonut, on 01/26/2008, -0/+2"I'm very specific in my profile, but that's because I'd like my new girl to remind me of someone I knew a while ago."
    Got this off the white wispy haired fellow. Come on guys... that's tragic.
    • jdaw4210, on 01/27/2008, -0/+0Yeah dude, until you go to the Myspace he gave in the video and watch the short movie. The dating video was sort of like viral marketing for it. It's a good watch, pretty entertaining way to kill ten minutes.
  • cuevas4711, on 01/26/2008, -0/+2couldn't find the pause button quicker on the "*****" video.
  • smcnow, on 01/27/2008, -0/+1Spoiler warning: Gotta leave it to Esquire to not realize "Sam" is a character, not a real person. Look at the video on myspace. They probably also thought the Blair Witch Project was actual footage from a couple kids. Oh I forgot, everything on the internet is real.
  • indianstallion, on 01/28/2008, -0/+1Damn, the Alice Wang video is no longer on youtube. Anyone know where I can find it?
  • OryTheSaint, on 01/28/2008, -0/+0My faith in Digg has been shaken. The Digg community generally has an amazing sense of sarcasm and a respect for people. This article is pathetic and seemingly written by the humorless and tragic Daniel Murphy. Never would I have thought that a poorly written article poking at lonely people would get dug this much. Come on Digg. Have we lost our way? Bring back the real humor.
  • spleen22, on 02/04/2008, -0/+1The Dan story is very sad, his confidence has been totally shaken by this article.
    But seriously he does need to get over his ex. Big time.
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