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The Most Inappropriately Named Sports Teams

maxim.com — When they hailed from New Orleans, this made perfect sense. New Orleans is jazz music —all smooth and weird and mysterious and hopped up on something. Utah is the land of repressed Mormon sexuality. You can't pick a more exact opposite of jazz. Suggested New Name: The Utah Restraint

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  • jordankasteler, on 05/01/2008, -6/+57Mormons are also known for having a ton of kids...maybe the Utah Jizz instead?
    • wit21, on 05/01/2008, -0/+5I'm a Jazz fan, and I approve that comment. We could squirt white caulking over the opponents during games!
    • STARTSOMETHING, on 05/01/2008, -6/+2The only thing inappropriate on that page. I seen, was the ad for red man tobacco.
    • KiraDnote, on 05/01/2008, -2/+0The Utah Pervs
  • miche13, on 05/01/2008, -2/+12Ahh, just can't live without that good 'ole New York Pee Smell.

    ...oy.
  • snotrokit, on 05/01/2008, -1/+21I remember a softball team named "Buster Hymen and the Penetrators"
    • PoeticExplosion, on 05/01/2008, -0/+5There's a small town named Pekin here in Illinois, thought to be named for the Chinese capital, and up until the 80s they were the Pekin Chinks.
      • slvrbullet87, on 05/01/2008, -1/+3I am from the area and I wear my pekin chinks shirt with pride even though i never went to any pekin school
    • cheezintern, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4Sounds more like a rock band.
    • boonesfarm, on 05/01/2008, -0/+5I remember our intramural hockey team being introduced over the pa system
      "MY DIXIE WRECKED"
  • robEstyles, on 05/01/2008, -2/+6Macon Whoopees best team name ever.
  • luvtosee, on 05/01/2008, -8/+0The New York Pee Smell :)) LOL
  • KipEvil, on 05/01/2008, -0/+24California Wildfires
    • KMartSheriff, on 05/01/2008, -2/+6New Orleans Hurricanes
      • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -0/+3I like that better than Hornets. I always feel weird when Utah plays New Orleans - like we kidnapped their kid or something...
      • theOster, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4NY Jets...oh wait...
  • Kireblade, on 05/01/2008, -2/+22"Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music."
    -- BASEketball
    • snotrokit, on 05/01/2008, -3/+4and the MN Northstars moved to Dallas where there is no ice. Sill pissed about that one.
      • cdahlkvist, on 05/01/2008, -1/+5I got over it when we got The Wild. Much better team in my opinion.

        Of course the Stars were great before hockey was tamed down for all the hippy liberals.

        I much preferred the FIghting Saints over all of them though.
      • brjndr, on 05/01/2008, -0/+2The should have renamed the Northstars the Lonestars after the move.
    • Mononuclear, on 05/01/2008, -5/+2Salt Lake is actually a large venue for music and many groups big and small make a stop in Salt Lake on tours. The X96 Big Ass Show is a great alternative rock show put on every year with a lot of good groups.
      • cdahlkvist, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4"ALternative" in SLC is Donny Osmond.
      • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -0/+2There is no flavor on the radio or the tours that come through here. It's mostly pop, rock, and country with the exception of one crappy hip-hop/rap station (with white dj's - nothing wrong with it, it is just a little disconcerting) that we've had for maybe 9 years. So there is plenty of music, it's just not diverse.
  • ahhell, on 05/01/2008, -6/+9Maxim? Seriously?
  • seomike, on 05/01/2008, -3/+10The Four Skins
    • warispeace21, on 05/01/2008, -1/+2That would be an awesome name for an all-drummer band.
      • PopcornDave, on 05/01/2008, -0/+1It was already a punk band.
        • adamnst, on 05/01/2008, -0/+0They're aboat four or five gigs away from really exploding.
  • MalachiConstant, on 05/01/2008, -3/+35Calgary is the hub of Canada's oil and natural gas industry. Natural gas is found all over the province that Calgary is located. Natural gas heats homes by being lit on fire. Oil can be turned into gasoline which also is combusted.

    Not to mention, Fort Calgary, which the city was founded upon, was, in fact burned to the ground... twice.

    If anything, the Flames moniker is more appropriate in Calgary than in Atlanta. In Atlanta its about remembering a tragedy that happened to the city. For Calgary it's a symbol of triumph and the backbone of their economy. Plus the Oilers name was already taken in Edmonton.

    I'd bury for inaccuracy, but that would just be me being petty and defensive of my home town.
    • snotrokit, on 05/01/2008, -1/+11Well done sir. Dugg.
    • jerrycan, on 05/01/2008, -7/+2Plus, cowboys are gay.
    • duggdowncatisad, on 05/01/2008, -4/+1Cue conspiracy theorists pointing out that the New York Jets were named before 2001.
    • Straat, on 05/02/2008, -0/+1I was about to mention the Fort Calgary thing, but the Flames really do suit Calgary quite well.
  • OneLess, on 05/01/2008, -1/+10This is more like "Some inappropriately-named sports teams, along with some other teams that moved so that now their names don't make sense". Not as catchy though.
    • je12u, on 05/02/2008, -0/+0Exactly...inappropriate would be more like the Redskins.
  • bakkouz, on 05/01/2008, -12/+1-The Utah Restraint
    -The Calgary Ranch Hands
    -The Los Angeles Bryants
    -The Toronto Maple Leaves
    -The New York Pee Smell
  • momsshizzle, on 05/01/2008, -1/+10Terrible list.
  • thirdcoastborn, on 05/01/2008, -12/+3Utah Cults
  • eternal464, on 05/01/2008, -11/+3Is it just me, or was that the first legit good article on digg in a while? I lol'd in the library, i got lots of funny looks. Particularly with the whole largest barbeque bit in Atlanta.
  • Harrison88, on 05/01/2008, -7/+2The Most Inappropriately Named American Sports Teams
    * Fixed
    • Jwoey, on 05/01/2008, -1/+3Stay calm, the waaambulance is on its way.
    • trpn, on 05/01/2008, -0/+3'North American' would be a better fix ... if it really needs to be fixed
    • cdahlkvist, on 05/01/2008, -2/+4Where else would it be about? Canada and the US are the only places where sports are played. The rest of you play "soccer" which is not a sport as much as an excuse to roll around on the ground with your mates.
    • bphicke, on 05/01/2008, -0/+2You are so clever.
  • ilves7, on 05/01/2008, -11/+5Um, a musically related name for Utah really isn't that out of character. Mormons love dancing in general. So... I'm not quite sure what the hell Maxim is talking about. Yea I guess the sexuality side of Jazz doesn't apply, but anything musically related isn't that out of place.
    • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -2/+6No. Jazz makes no sense. Utah is not known for its Jazz. Just because some random Mormon might listen to a Charlie Parker cassette tape once in a while does not mean Utah is a hub for Jazz culture. They should've realistically done something like the Utah Rangers or something related to their huge famous state parks and canyons.
      • YossarianDent, on 05/01/2008, -3/+1Ever been to Salt Lake City's annual jazz festival?

        ...Didn't think so. I have, and they love their jazz. Sure, most of the women walking around are pregnant, but that's just local color.

        (While I'm commenting...why do I have to go in, edit, and re-edit my comment in order to get just one line of white space between my paragraphs?)
        • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -2/+4Should the Knicks change their name to the New York Celtics because they have a really big St. Patrick's Day parade?
    • stonewaljacksn, on 05/01/2008, -4/+1STOP MAKING SENSE DONT YOU KNOW ITS MORMON HATE WEEK?!
    • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4Jazz is generally associated with a more culturally diverse and strong African American influence environment - neither of which is prevalent in Utah. Yes I'm from and live in Utah and am part of the 1% of it that is black.

      You could maybe call them the Utah Hymns?

      Don't get me wrong, I'm a Utah Jazz fan, but yeah, the name cracks me up.
  • trer, on 05/01/2008, -7/+11I still can't believe there's a team out there still called the Redskins. It's even sadder that the natives have been reduced to such small numbers that they have no real power anymore to protest when at one time they were the majority on this land.
    • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -1/+4As a Giants fan, I hate the Redskins, but not because of their name. The name is meant to honor the Native American culture and in a recent Sports Illustrated poll, 75% of NA's had no objections over the name or logo.
    • y3rt, on 05/01/2008, -3/+1yes, they have more or less been assimilated into the culture that conquered them
    • slsashrk, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3Fight fire with fire... I say let the Native Americans take some of their casino money and buy their own team. They could name it the Navajo Crackers!
      • swr1ght, on 05/01/2008, -2/+4Or how about the Fighting Irish! They could even have a Red Nosed, Brawling Mascot... Oh wait, that one's taken.
      • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -2/+1There are more tribes without casinos than there are with. Gambling is illegal in Utah. The reservation land is desolate. No way to make money.

        But go ahead, joke away...
        • slsashrk, on 05/01/2008, -1/+1Well now that I have your permission to "Joke Away"...

          Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second sausage looks at the first and screams "HOLY S&%#... A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
      • truenorthern, on 05/01/2008, -0/+1I agree, how about we name some teams after other groups like the vikings, or maybe the Canadiens, or maybe the Knicks, or how about the 49ers, maybe the patriots, or maybe the Texans, or pirates or yankees, or even canucks.
    • stonewaljacksn, on 05/01/2008, -2/+15I can't believe there is a team called the Bears. That is just disrespectful to the bear population that has come under the oppression of the white man for oh so long.
      • zero21xxx, on 05/01/2008, -1/+4They are the number one threat in America after all.
      • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -5/+1Bears and people....yeah, that's synonymous.

        Wow, Hillary's uneducated bunch is on in force today...
    • SomGuye, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2Hell yeah, how about the Detroit "Fightin' WhiteBoys"?
    • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -3/+2I couldn't agree with you more. What's even sadder (and disgusting) is that the team is fighting to keep that name...
    • slvrbullet87, on 05/01/2008, -2/+7The people who bitch about sports teams names arent Native Americans, they are rich white liberal arts majors. I am a huge University of Illinois fan. Bleeding heart liberals got our mascot (Chief Illiniwick) banned because he was supossedly disrepectful. Never once did i see a Native American at the protests.
      • Kas70, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2Then who are those people litigating for the name change? These are Native Americans. I am a Native American (1/4 blood quantum and member of the Gosiute tribe) as well as African American. You don't get to keep a stereotypical name just because you like it and didn't see Native Americans at some protest. And even if the court rules against the NA's again, more than 1500 organizations have changed stereotypical names and they ought to follow suit out of respect.

        http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=116055751921 ...
        Law.com - Can Trademark Law Help Minority Groups Eliminate Negative Stereotypes?
        • slvrbullet87, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3Until I hear the people who dont think we should stereotype people bitching about the Vikings and the Fighting Irish, they will get no repect for me, they dont care about negitive stereotypes, all they care about is having something to bitch about.
        • PopcornDave, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2Well I'm part Cherokee, part Finn Swede and part Scot but I don't get all pissy about the Vikings, the Redskins or the Braves. It's not that big a deal. Hell Stanford were the Indians for years, and even had an Indian chief at the games in full regalia who was a Stanford graduate. The people complaining generally aren't even of the ethnic background they're complaining for.
  • BigBlondeViking, on 05/01/2008, -5/+21Utah Magic Underwear
    • swr1ght, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3Not many people are going to get this reference, but kudos to you.
  • tech9lab, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3new NFL team in Los Angeles:
    LA Jackers!! hooray
    • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -0/+5How about the "Los Angeles We always bitch about wanting an NFL Franchise yet never support the team when we get one's?"
  • Namco, on 05/01/2008, -5/+2A little nitpicky on some of the names. Plus Ricki Lake isn't fat anymore
  • solarweasel, on 05/01/2008, -1/+5hmm. they could have done much better than that.
  • TheCosmicPuppy, on 05/01/2008, -5/+1This is all pretty silly. Nearly everyone of these "inappropriately named" sports teams has a name that no longer fits because the team is relocated. Maybe they should be called "obsolete" team names, but "inappropriate?" Not when they began. I think it's sadly unimaginative of these sports owners to refuse to change these team nicknames when they move the teams to new locations just because the nickname allegedly has some kind of brand recognition. It's not like these teams have any local or regional competition. If the Minneapolis Lakers move to Los Angeles and they change the name to the Sunbathers, how many potential SoCal ticket purchasers are going to hesitate to buy a ticket because they are not sure it's the old Lakers they will be seeing? Pulleeze. Get over yourselves and change the silly nicknames to somethings that fit.
  • Eizz, on 05/01/2008, -9/+5I think Utah Jazz should be Utah Polygamists, Washington Wizards should be Washington Scandalists and since it's Phoenix Suns it's only fair to have a Seattle Drizzle.
    • vasicek, on 05/03/2008, -0/+1Utah Polygamists, ugliest cheerleaders ever.
  • Bender1012, on 05/01/2008, -1/+9lol. It's nice having a different style of humor than those damned cracked articles.
  • davidkeithjones, on 05/01/2008, -3/+11Stupid article, cracked could have done this a million times better.
    • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -0/+5At least you only had to click "next page" once here.
      • Bender1012, on 05/01/2008, -1/+2I just have to point out the hilarious coincidental juxtaposition of your comment and mine right above.
        • Bender1012, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2Whoops, replied to wrong comment. How the ***** do you delete comments.
    • Bender1012, on 05/01/2008, -1/+4I just have to point out the hilarious coincidental juxtaposition of your comment and mine right above.
  • RyeBrye, on 05/01/2008, -4/+8They missed one: New Orleans Saints - in the murder capital of the world? Should be the New Orleans Welfare Cases.
    • DrvThruPnk, on 05/01/2008, -1/+5Get with the times, New Orleans has nothing on Philadelphia.
    • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -2/+5No. They are named after "When the Saints Go Marching In," a very famous Jazz standard. I'm assuming you knew that and just wanted to make a (lame) joke though.
    • withears, on 05/01/2008, -3/+3It should be the New Orleans Abandoned (as in, abandoned by their own government)
      • vasicek, on 05/03/2008, -0/+1It came close to being the Los Angeles Saints.
    • zombies187, on 05/01/2008, -0/+3Spoken like someone who doesn't live here in the big ez. But if your stereotype works as a joke than it must be true. Sources on murder capital and welfare capital? Naw, Baghdad beats 'em both. But if I had to guess, I would assume that you have no problem paying for that. Everyone I know here is working hard to put their lives back together despite the indifference of America. One day America will be known as the first country to do nothing while a major city slips away. I know you think your taxes are flowing down here and people are getting rich off of your hard work, but you are mistaken my friend. Everything is being paid back and we are all receiving bills for all your contributions. Thanks for the loan. And thanks for breaking our legs as we make late payments. I will never forgive America for how it FEELS about Katrina. Its like the modern Japanese who think that people who come from Hiroshima are lazy. Shame on you and everyone else who says things like this.
      • logan074, on 05/02/2008, -1/+0Move above sea level, I was hearing about a hurricane wiping out the region for a while before those levees broke. I can promise you the majority of us couldn't care less if you won't forgive us because it would be the same for most cities.
        • zombies187, on 05/02/2008, -0/+1That deserves a golf clap America.
          Fapfapfapfapfapfap
    • GabeUtsecks, on 05/01/2008, -0/+1or the New Orleans Hurricanes?
  • el_taco, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4based on the authors reasoning. Detroit Tigers are so inappropriately named. There's no Tigers in Detroit.. Nor Lions.
    • TimmyGUNZ, on 05/01/2008, -0/+2There are plenty of cougars though...
    • PopcornDave, on 05/01/2008, -1/+1How about the Detroit Hybrids then?
  • cadmiumpaint, on 05/01/2008, -0/+6All time favorite..the Washington Bullets...when Washington DC was the murder capital of the world.

    How about the Los Angeles Lakers? More appropriate when they were in MLPS.

    Can't wait for the Oklahoma City Super Sonics.

  • bluewred, on 05/01/2008, -1/+7WARNING: Article written while intoxicated ... not very funny and original.
  • ntacsback, on 05/01/2008, -3/+3Umm, how can you have a list of inappropriate team names and not include racist names like the Redskins?
    • zombies187, on 05/01/2008, -0/+1Cause white people are OK with it.
  • asskicker32, on 05/01/2008, -0/+2http://www.faniq.com/blog/The-Weirdest-Team-Names- ...

    These are MUCH more inappropriate.
  • hybridcreation, on 05/01/2008, -0/+3That is so funny, I've been saying that about the Jazz for years!

    It should be required that any team that leaves a city is required to leave behind the name and colors. The Tennessee Oilers? Yeah, good thing they wisened up and changed that one.
  • chrissku, on 05/01/2008, -1/+2How about the Colorado Flaming Warriors? How did they not make this list?
  • markp93, on 05/01/2008, -1/+2Lady Beavers -- http://www.minotstateu.edu/wbasketball/
  • reynolds3g, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3Jazz and Lakers should just switch names and call it a day.
  • majordanger, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3The NBA should expand more in the Mountain region...
    How about the "Helena Handbaskets" ?
  • vrette, on 05/01/2008, -3/+0Pekin Chinks - Google it....
  • DCGaymer, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2The Utah Pluralists.
    • duggdowncatisad, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3You mean Eldorado Pluralists. The Mormons banned that a hundred years ago.
      • vasicek, on 05/03/2008, -1/+1Banned it only because it was a condition for statehood imposed by Congress.
  • deaftly, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4"Name one enormous lake in Los Angeles not named Ricki. You can't, can you?"
    haha
  • ultimathule, on 05/01/2008, -0/+2Uh, South Carolina Gamecocks?
    • vasicek, on 05/03/2008, -0/+1My favorite college football came is when the Oregon State Beavers take on the USC Trojans. Brought to you by KY Jelly.
  • JoeRockEHF, on 05/01/2008, -1/+1I'm a big fan of all Arizona teams but I hate the Cardinals name for their NFL team.
    • BuckFoston, on 05/01/2008, -0/+0How about the Arizona Heat Strokes? Or Snowbirds?
  • Fxer, on 05/01/2008, -1/+1I spent about half an hour on the article, before someone told me it was a loop. Damn Anterograde Amnesia!
  • alphonseragusa, on 05/01/2008, -2/+3I did some research about funny team names:

    Cleveland Browns --- Originally names "Brown Bombers"—after reigning heavyweight champion Joe Louis—and was shortened to "Browns" for the convenience of headline writers.
    Kansas City Royals --- The "Royals" name originates from the American Royal Livestock Show, held in Kansas City since 1899.
    New Jersey Nets --- The team was renamed to "Nets" to rhyme with the names of the two other professional sports teams in New York that played on Long Island at the time: Major League Baseball's New York Mets and the American Football League's New York Jets.
    Pittsburgh Penguins --- Inspired by the fact that the team was going to play in an "Igloo", the nickname of the Pittsburgh Civic Arena.
    Minnesota Wild --- Picked from Six finalist team names (Minnesota Blue Ox, Minnesota Freeze, Minnesota Northern Lights, Minnesota Voyageurs, Minnesota White Bears). *I would have went with the Northern Lights*
    • BetterOffEd, on 05/01/2008, -0/+4The Cleveland Browns weren't named for Paul Brown?


      .
      • vasicek, on 05/03/2008, -0/+2I'm pretty sure they were named after their founder Paul Brown.
  • heaintheavy, on 05/01/2008, -0/+3The Minneapolis Lakers were named so because Minneapolis is known as "The City of Lakes".
  • yellowcakewalk, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2The U of Delaware Blue Hens.
  • Steph8126, on 05/01/2008, -5/+0Even though I'm a lady, Maxim is damn hilarious! Check me out at www.couponalbum.com and Digg it!
  • GeezerD, on 05/01/2008, -0/+5Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Oops! Already taken.
  • zella, on 05/01/2008, -1/+2The Utah Jazz Hands, or maybe the Saints could switch with the Jazz and then everyone is happy. And stop ripping on Mormons, it is silly.
  • JuniorVX, on 05/01/2008, -2/+2Was the list suppose to be funny? Failed Attempt.
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