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8 Superheroes Who Are Acutally Douchebags

the-iss.com — Yes, yes, we know. You've been told your whole lives that superheroes are infallible demigods who can do no wrong. But we know better. In fact, we can provide to you incontrovertible evidence that many (at least eight) superheroes are, in fact, total douchebags.

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  • eagle123, on 10/19/2007, -7/+2lol, superman
  • allaboutdatiki, on 10/18/2007, -6/+3vinegar and water?
  • 97thfloor, on 10/19/2007, -14/+10Gambit is the Super Douche!
  • RockMyMonkey, on 10/20/2007, -1/+15I always thought Reed Richards was kind of an arrogant douchebag. Now I have proof!
    • doctechnical, on 10/19/2007, -3/+3Douchebag or no, I'm sure he keeps Ms. Richards satisfied.
  • canewediggit, on 10/20/2007, -3/+49cyclops anyone? biggest douche in the xavier household. yes, even bigger than gambit. you know on weekends he dons his dockers and takes great pleasure out of edging the lawn with his eyebeam. plus, he bagged jean grey who is way out of his league.
    • jwalske, on 10/19/2007, -6/+2Cyclops? What about Wolverine? Hes the bigger douche by far! Oh, and they forgot Bruce Wayne.
      • LordVance, on 10/19/2007, -1/+13You clearly do not know what a douchebag is; Wolverine can be an ass at times, no doubt - but Cyclops definitely takes the douchebaggary award.
      • pepemt, on 10/19/2007, -9/+1not a chance. Cyclops is the level-headed leader while Wolverine throws tantrums and tries to break up households. The guy's like 5'6" and clearly has 'little man syndrome'

        Wolverine = #1 douche by far
      • gemmakicn, on 10/19/2007, -0/+1Don't mock the bat
  • clemdionisio, on 11/02/2007, -1/+112Am I the only one shocked this didn't come from cracked.com
    • Calcularius, on 10/19/2007, -0/+33at least cracked can handle the traffic
    • dext3r, on 10/18/2007, -3/+1No man, I was totally mind blown that this wasn't a link to Cracked.
    • LewisBreaker, on 10/19/2007, -0/+2lol i agree, thats the first thing i looked for.
  • Anub1s, on 10/18/2007, -8/+0Interesting
  • Jsmuli2, on 10/19/2007, -0/+6guy gardner biggest douche ever, just read the death of superman stories, im so glad he gets his ass whooped
  • TannerC, on 10/19/2007, -3/+7Deadpool.
  • speedk0re, on 10/19/2007, -3/+33How about ServerBreakerMan?
    • MattB123, on 10/18/2007, -2/+4Man, I hate that guy!
    • woohhaa, on 10/18/2007, -0/+2We have TheToolMan at my place of employment. He is a network administrator who has the unique ability to make changes to access points at 3 o'clock on Friday and expect your help fixing it. Plus he implemented smart filter!

      He's a tool, man.
  • drizzlelicious, on 10/18/2007, -3/+4Superhero by night, douchebag by day

    Anyway, site down, need a mirror
  • mrblue182, on 10/18/2007, -4/+1mirror?
  • mrmagenta, on 10/20/2007, -4/+738 Superheroes Who Are Acutally Douchebags

    by King Oblivion, Ph.D.

    Don't believe the hype.

    Yes, yes, we know. You've been told your whole lives that superheroes are infallible demigods who can do no wrong. But we know better. In fact, we can provide to you incontrovertible evidence that many (at least eight) superheroes are, in fact, total douchebags.

    (Also, you may have heard in some circles that all supervillains are dicks or assholes or some similar epithet. Actually, we tend to be excellent conversationalists and superb lovers when you get to know us.)

    reedsexist.jpg
    Reed Richards
    Known for: Being the leader of the Fantastic Four; purportedly being the smartest man in the world; having a best friend made of rocks
    A douchebag because of: Rampant, often hilarious sexism
    The defense: Okay, so he's saved the world from a big purple guy who's tried to eat it a couple times. Also, very stylish gray on the temples there.
    The case against: If the image over on the right is too small to read, let me quote what's being said there for you:

    REED: I mean you're right! I've been a blind, inconsiderate fool -- but I'm going to make up for it! I want to buy you a whole new wardrobe -- and then you and I will do the town like it's never been done before!
    SUE: Darling -- I don't know what to say--!
    REED: Fine! Wives should be kissed -- and not heard!

    For serious. I don't care if it was written in the '60s, that kind of talk would get a dude knocked out in any decade.

    namor.jpg
    Namor
    Known for: Being half-human and half-Atlantean, never wearing a shirt, invading the surface world like every other week
    A douchebag because of: The aforementioned shirtlessness and belligerence, as well as trying to bang Sue Richards, a married mother of two
    The defense: As the prince of one's own undersea world, a guy would probably have to take action every now and again, just to remind people that he's there. Also, Namor never really claimed to be a hero, per se, even though fighting alongside Captain America during World War II kind of qualifies you no matter what. And, come on, Sue Richards be fly.
    The case against: The most concise and best argument I can make is just to ask you to take a look at that picture over there. I'm not sure there's anything more to say.

    guygardner.jpg
    Guy Gardner
    Known for: His third-string Green Lanterndom, pretty much being a douche
    A douchebag because of: Intense, refined, seemingly practiced whininess, mixed in with occasional power trips, also, his haircut
    The defense: Before becoming a superhero, Gardner was a social welfare caseworker in prisons and taught children with disabilities. He's also participated in some boring space wars.
    The case against: Well, he was such a whiny bastard that one time, when he was screaming that he should be the leader of the Justice League, Batman laid him out with one punch to the face.

    yellowjacket.jpg
    Hank Pym/Yellowjacket
    Known for: Having about 20 superhero identities, accidentally inventing Ultron, being the less well-known scientist named Hank in the Marvel universe
    A douchebag because of: That one time he kind of hit his wife
    The defense: Hank was kind of losing it during that period in which he took a swing at his wife, Janet Van Dyne, the Wasp. He had gone from a mild-mannered scientist to a psychopath for some reason that was probably explained somehow. Now he seems to be okay, even though he is a pill popper.
    The case against: Hey, he still hit his wife. Also, he recently played a major role in the accidental-but-not-really death of Goliath, the largest forced metaphor for racism in comics history.

    antman.jpg
    Ant-Man
    Known for: His irredeemability, his love of the Nintendo Wii, tininess
    A douchebag because of: It would be easier to list the reasons why he's not a douchebag
    The defense: Well, he did help out when the Hulk was rampaging through New York City, so that's something.
    The case against: There are lots of things I could mention here, like, for instance, the fact that he ratted out his friend the Gray Fox after he had spent hours breaking in to a prison to save him. Or that he lost it when he found out his girlfriend had a kid. But mainly, I'm going to go with the argument that he slept with his dead best friend's girlfriend on top of his grave. That's just ice cold.

    ironman.jpg
    Iron Man
    Known for: Impeccably groomed facial hair, admittedly badass armor, being a drunk
    A douchebag because of: His unfaltering richness and playboyism, the whole weapons dealer thing
    The defense: Tony Stark has foiled the plans of an evil Chinese man literally hundreds of times. Likewise, he felt really bad when his armor came to life and started killing people, which is nice.
    The case against: You know the rich playboy Bruce Wayne pretends to be when he's not Batman? Tony Stark pretty much just is that guy. And how did he make all that money? Oh, he just developed weapons for the Army to kill Vietnamese people with. On top of that, now he's the biggest proponent of a federal law that forces superheroes to register with the government and will bust the asses of anyone who doesn't comply, even if registering puts them at risk. He's like the trust fund kid who sics the police on the homeless people loitering in the park; it's just not fair.

    gambit.jpg
    Gambit
    Known for: Throwing supercharged cards, being extremely stereotypically Cajun, wearing a totally unnecessary trench coat
    A douchebag because of: His unprecedented ability to be obnoxious
    The defense: He...um...I genuinely have nothing. Rogue seems to like him, and she's slightly less obnoxious, I guess.
    The case against: "Well, mon chere, we gon' go down to dat bayou and you and I will discuss the finuh mattuhs..." etc, etc. If that in itself doesn't give you a throbbing headache, then you, sir, are either dead or have some kind of mental condition. The only way Gambit could be more of a douchebag is if he started wearing pink polo shirts or croakies over his already pink-and-purple what-the-hell-is-that-made-of-anyway costume, which is for some reason always covered by a trench coat. *****, now that I've suggested that, it'll probably happen.

    superdickery.jpg
    Superman
    Known for: His Boy Scout-like personality, excessively sweet powers, kind of starting this whole superhero thing
    A douchebag because of: Any number of hilarious moments of dickery
    The defense: Superman has saved countless busloads and trainloads of children from going over cliffs or falling into lakes. Likewise, he has repaired the globe on top of the Daily Planet building dozens of times without ever billing them. Also, he is surprisingly tolerant of his extremely crappy rogues gallery, which includes Toyman, Mr. Mxyzptlk and Parasite.
    The case against: The Superdickery.com website has spent years documenting the various dick moments in which Superman has been a participant. It is an eye-opening website that everyone should see, just as proof that even the most seemingly spotless of us has likely, at one time or another, made their best friend and a colleague battle each other in the desert for a pitcher of water.
    • apachetoolbox, on 10/19/2007, -21/+1Gambit isn't Cajun, he's french.
    • curiousgrge, on 10/18/2007, -0/+0The case against: "Well, mon chere, we gon' go down to dat bayou and you and I will discuss the finuh mattuhs..."

      If they were to cast Gambit for another X-Men movie, the person that plays T-Bag on Prison Break would have that part nailed.
  • danielsan1701, on 10/19/2007, -2/+14http://www.superdickery.com
    • kflott, on 10/18/2007, -0/+1I was about to post this, you beat me to it.... I've spent hours on that site
    • supermanred, on 10/18/2007, -0/+2Blasphemy!!!
    • aywwts4, on 10/19/2007, -0/+3Make sure you clear your history afterwards, friends look at you funny if they stumble upon that URL in your history.
  • SirZRX, on 10/18/2007, -3/+3and its down!
    • halobender, on 10/18/2007, -1/+38 Websites that are actually pussies.
  • camaroz06, on 10/19/2007, -3/+8already down, people who put digg buttons on their web page that cannot handle the traffic are also douche bags.
  • PadreHomer, on 10/19/2007, -2/+3Ohhhhhhh ISS
  • superguysteve, on 10/18/2007, -1/+1what about Cookoo man and Rope Man from the Mighty Heroes? They were always pretty douchey.
  • mulletman13, on 10/18/2007, -4/+5Down at 108 diggs.....

    I hope Iron Man was on that list, he's a top-tier dbag.
  • lucidapathy, on 10/20/2007, -3/+19Is Captain Bandwidth on there? Cause I think he's a total dick... especially right now.
    • graemee, on 10/19/2007, -0/+8He's out on the town looking for hookers with Capt. Obvious.
  • reuscel, on 10/19/2007, -1/+4Dugg for Ant-Man. Definitely one of the more underrated books Marvel put out this year.
  • ActiveMatx, on 10/19/2007, -8/+3Buried for a good reason.
    Gambit a douchebag? Hellz no.... and IRON man? Oh come on.
    I can think of a million other super heroes much more gay then the ones listed.
    • ran24, on 10/19/2007, -0/+4Iron Man was a pretty big douche in the Civil War plotline, leading a government force to take out people who he knew are good guys. And if you read "The Confession", there is this one part at the end where there is no doubt his douchiest (is that a word?) moment with Captain America.

      And Gambit's a prick for having such hard to read dialogue.


    • gudnbluts, on 10/19/2007, -0/+2Iron man is a government drone. Totally embodies the word "douchebag".
  • geeshock, on 10/20/2007, -3/+6No matter how many times I hear it "Douchebag" just never gets old.
  • Mizerooskie, on 10/20/2007, -3/+6Buried for no mention of Cyclops.
  • ninjasteeve, on 10/19/2007, -12/+2Where's Ron Paul? Oh wait, probably out eating balls again
    • chrazyc, on 10/18/2007, -0/+1Or as Jay Severin says... Ru Paul
    • Korexz, on 10/18/2007, -4/+1Wow... you just took the number one spot on the list...

      Google Ron Paul... then come back and apologize for being ignorant.
      • ninjasteeve, on 10/18/2007, -1/+0Hey I Googled Ron Paul: racist, social conservative whackjob. You're right I am sorry that your a tin foil nutjob.

        RON PAUL ATE MY BALLS AND KOREXZ WAS THE DOUCHE THAT I USED TO CLEAN WHAT REMAINED!

        http://www.korexz.isgay.com
  • MaTT2011, on 10/20/2007, -0/+15Yah, Iron Man is pretty much the biggest douche bag I've seen in any form of media.

    Sure, he kicks ass....but does he have to be such a prick all the F'ing time? Its probably all the booze...
  • RobotBuddha, on 10/20/2007, -0/+9Hank Pym: Hitting his wife. Didn't he literally bite her head off in the marvel zombie thing?
    • ran24, on 10/19/2007, -0/+2Yeah...that was so awesome.

      She was useless anyway though. She could no longer provide him with food.
  • kahrn, on 10/19/2007, -2/+2Perhaps the real douchebags are the ones that cannot spell 'actually' correctly, despite being warned about checking spelling before final submission.
    • supermanred, on 10/21/2007, -3/+2...or the spelling Nazis perhaps?
    • yfguitarist, on 10/21/2007, -0/+2The article writer misspelled it, and the submitter didn't even bother to read it to see if it was misspelled and misspelled it too.
  • ahawks, on 10/19/2007, -7/+2Buried for making fun of superman >:(
  • brownkidd, on 10/19/2007, -15/+1Life-size Princess Leia sex doll...sort of http://digg.com/design/Lifesize_Princess_Leia_for_ ...
  • stlWill, on 10/19/2007, -7/+0Spiderman anyone? The most melodramatic superhero who (in the world of superheroes) isn't particularly powerful?
    • gudnbluts, on 10/19/2007, -0/+1That doesn't make him a douchebag. It makes him a tart.
    • stanleyfresh, on 10/19/2007, -0/+2Spiderman? a douchebag? Nah.... more like a wise-ass, and he's only a wise-ass to the criminals. Spiderman passes.
  • dhVyse, on 10/18/2007, -1/+1Site dead..
  • rockandrollmark, on 10/20/2007, -2/+4Dugg for the excessive use of the word 'douchebag'
    http://gawker.com/news/the-record-of-the-times/sat ...
  • o0adam0o, on 10/19/2007, -5/+5Whaaaa? Gambit is the coolest of the XMEN! Pffff...burried!
  • grantmc1, on 10/18/2007, -1/+1Freekin down :@

    get a decent host u douche bag!
  • haveacigar, on 10/19/2007, -7/+1http://www.duggmirror.com
    • Heaiser, on 10/18/2007, -0/+6Why don't people link to the actual mirror on duggmirror instead of just typing in http://www.duggmirror.com We all know its there, so please don't bother unless you're going to save us time by actually looking up the mirror of the article in question.

      Besides, it appears the duggmirror didn't catch this one anyway.
  • bloominoctober, on 10/19/2007, -0/+16Digg me down, but....

    Dugg solely for: "Wives should be kissed -- and not heard!"
  • haveacigar, on 10/18/2007, -0/+1http://www.the-iss.com.nyud.net:8080/2007/10/super ...
  • totorototoro, on 10/19/2007, -4/+2Wait, Namor is a douchebag for hitting on Jessica Alba? wtf?
    • lilrabbit129, on 10/19/2007, -0/+1Don't lie... who WOULDNT want to do Sue Richards...
  • whandsfield, on 10/19/2007, -0/+3If I'm not mistaken, Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman's superpower was his supreme d#uchebaggery (sic). I'm surprised he didn't make the list, here's a place to pick up back issues:
    http://www.reidfleming.com/index-orders.html
  • skinturtle, on 11/04/2007, -3/+1Glad the Hulk wasn't on that list cuz....HULK SMASH!
  • echostudios, on 10/19/2007, -3/+3Lance Armstrong is a douche also.
  • pepemt, on 10/19/2007, -5/+1Wolverine should be on the list.
    Douchebag #1. Cocky attitude, PMSes bi-monthly and tries to score w/ Jean Gray every chance he gets.
  • EricPeters, on 10/18/2007, -1/+6Damn that Service Temporarily Unavailable. He's the biggest douchebag I've ever seen.
  • CommunistEagle, on 10/19/2007, -3/+1Where is Deadpool?
  • JPOOPOO, on 10/19/2007, -1/+3The website writes that Reed Richards says "I want /to buy you/ a whole new wardrobe -- and then you and I will do the town like it's never been done before!" If you actually look at the picture and read it, he says clearly "I want /you to buy/ a whole new wardrobe -- and then you and I will do the town like it's never been done before!"
  • MasterBeowulf, on 10/19/2007, -1/+4Seriously... No Deadpool? He stabbed Weasel in the leg for eating the last cheese puff for god sakes!!? he should be number one!
    plus he is my favorite comic book character.
    • EmperorAwesome, on 10/19/2007, -0/+4I wouldn't call Deadpool a douchebag. The only douchebaggery he pulls is done when appropriate in the name of comedy.
    • Balanced, on 10/19/2007, -0/+1I don't think Deadpool counts because he doesn't (often) claim to be a hero. THe ones on this lsit generally claim to be the heroes, and are actually kind of asses about it, thus earning the douchebag title.
  • SpamDog, on 10/18/2007, -0/+3working mirror w/ pics
    http://www.the-iss.com.nyud.net:8080/2007/10/super ...
  • InfinitySnatch, on 10/19/2007, -0/+5I'd like to know the context for the one where Superman is making them die of thirst.
    • gemmakicn, on 10/19/2007, -0/+1Probably had something to do with posioned water...
  • pizzaface200, on 10/18/2007, -0/+1I think a Douchebag hero toke down the site
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