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- Murphious, on 10/10/2007, -5/+193In case it goes down:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
3. When questioned by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “*****!” (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
12. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem - You didn’t see nothin’.
15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.
16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.
17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
22. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin’, then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.
31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
32. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.
34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “***** off!” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.
37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
42. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.
46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it’s free.
47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.
48. If you jiggle more than twice, you’re playing with it.
49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls. - faithhealer, on 10/10/2007, -5/+117Ok, I must disagree with one point -- if the only empty urinal is next to an occupied one, you don't have to wait. But if there are any open urinals with no "neighbors," you pick that one.
- theshizzler, on 10/10/2007, -1/+112my wife still expresses amazement when she hears that urinals quite often fill up every other one. After that, you go to a stall. If they're all filled only then should you be taking one of the buffer urinals. And for christsakes don't complement someone's watch while they're taking a piss... I had that happen to me once. >:(
- holzp, on 10/10/2007, -3/+112Dugg for "ass peril"
- inactive, on 10/10/2007, -4/+104every male should have this list drilled into him by the ago of 12
- rottingchrist, on 10/10/2007, -2/+93The rules get more complicated if you really put some thought into it. As an example, consider a row of 7 empty urinals. What is the "correct" order of filling them up?
XOOOOOO
- First guy enters - Chooses safest position (end of row) so that even if a random urinal picker enters, the odds of a violation are 1 in 6 (vs 1 in 3 for any non-end urinal)
XOOOOOX
- Second guy enters - Maximizes distance from first guy, whilst limited odds of a violation by a random urinal picker to 1 in 5 (vs 2 in 5 for any non-end urinal)
Now the dilemma:
Should the third guy (you) choose the exact centre position or the off-centre position?
XOOXOOX
- Centre ground - double buffer zone from nearest guy. Most comfortable position. However, if a fourth guy now enters the cubicle, he is forced to violate the unwritten rule, with a 50% chance that you will be the victim.
XOOOXOX
- Off-centre - single buffer zone from nearest guy. Less comfortable than the exact centre, but still safe. The important point is that this time, if a fourth guy enters, he will still be able to avoid a violation of the unwritten rule by taking an acceptable position, and all is right with the world.
...or maybe I need to stop thinking about it so much. - tpv2066, on 10/10/2007, -1/+8052. No man shall EVER wear a fannypack, or even say fannypack. Disney or family vacations are no excuse.
- bentman78, on 10/10/2007, -2/+75buried...stolen from a Maxim article from a couple of years ago. They didn't even change any words around, they just straight copied it. I'd digg it if they at least credit the authors but they didn't.
edit: found a link to the article: http://www.maximonline.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=4146 - jun2san, on 10/10/2007, -2/+74I think you should be allowed to tell a guy that his zipper is down as long as you add the words "dude" and "*****." Like such:
"Dude, your ***** zipper is down. *****"
That last word is a bonus. - qwerty1024, on 10/10/2007, -1/+7145. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.
Unless, of course, he is trying to beat his own personal record - NerdyNinja, on 10/10/2007, -3/+6451. A man will never, ever, utter the word 'handbag'
- geminitojanus, on 10/10/2007, -4/+55"XOOXOOX" is the correct buffer. The rule says "maximize distance" not "optimize the amount of people using the urinals."
- GirthAgain, on 10/10/2007, -3/+52You look at old men's penises?
- rejoined, on 10/10/2007, -5/+51You know these rules are mostly for young men. There should be some restrictions for old men too...you know how some old men walk around, all stark naked in gym locker rooms! That's just so wrong in so many ways....walking around showing their shrunken wrinkled dong. eww
- manicallday, on 10/10/2007, -3/+48Going clothes shopping with another dude should never happen.. Talking about relationships for more than 30 seconds should also never happen.
- Pssdoff, on 10/10/2007, -0/+42THE LAST SLICE OF PIZZA IS MINE!!!
*unzipps* - givinupthefight, on 10/10/2007, -6/+47I gotta disagree with "4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours."
A real friend is not there to bail you out a jail....A real friend is sitting next to you in the cell going "***** that was cool!" - stattek, on 10/10/2007, -0/+3553. A man should only know 9 colors: white, gray, black, blue, yellow, red, orange, green, and purple. All others are light or dark versions of the above.
- qmeister, on 10/10/2007, -10/+44Sorry, but this isn't something to disagree with. You find a stall or wait. By no means to you go up to a urinal that is surrounded. One caveat to this is if there are dividers between the urinals...then you are free to take any. And yes, eyes front and please....NO TALKING.
- krewemaynard, on 10/10/2007, -2/+32You've been mocked, haven't you?
- pault107, on 10/10/2007, -0/+29You can't leave us with a cliffhanger like that...what are the other two?
- Cerialthriller, on 10/10/2007, -3/+32i think a guy complimenting your watching in a urinal is just code for him saying he's checkin out your junk. Was this in a public rest stop in Florida?
- pault107, on 10/10/2007, -1/+29No need - these rules are ingrained in our DNA.
- 93ex, on 10/10/2007, -0/+27What do you do when you encounter a "trough" urinal? Just sit there and pee yourself?
- Nougat, on 10/10/2007, -1/+2630 should be "Never talk to another man in the bathroom at all." If I have, am about to have, or just had my dick in my hand, the only people I want talking to me are female.
- nodonoug, on 10/10/2007, -2/+26You're referring to your own comment, right?
- geminitojanus, on 10/10/2007, -1/+24In general, all of the rules above don't apply when a girlfriend/wife is withholding sex, I thought that was generally understood.
- DivisibleByZero, on 10/10/2007, -1/+24gggguuuhhhhh. You just reminded me of the YMCA locker room back at home. There was a couch. And people actually sat on it. Naked. Oh it's disturbing.
- WoollyMittens, on 10/10/2007, -2/+24Instead you like looking at the younger, firmer, penis?
- lavaia, on 10/10/2007, -0/+22I'm a woman... and I actually agree with most of those.
- Scaster513, on 10/10/2007, -3/+24I agree, if there is any rule about this it should be that you "keep your eyes on the road." If i see anyone waiting with an open stall I
a.) think they are homophobic
b.) go ahead of them.
*this applies for stalls with dividers and without
especially at a bar, why would anyone want to wait around in a bathroom any longer than necessary when there is beer and women on the outside. - inactive, on 10/10/2007, -2/+22I smell estrogen. Everyone pretend we're talking about wood vs. aluminum bats.
- FloppyLlamaDigg, on 10/10/2007, -0/+19Spy! Somebody give her a hotwing so she can prove her worth.
- DangerCollie, on 10/10/2007, -0/+19I've got three words for old guys: Nose Hair Trimmer It's not a violation of Man Code to inform a friend, especially an older guy, that the 20 bucks he spends on a nose hair trimmer would benefit the world a great deal.
- thejuggernawt, on 10/10/2007, -4/+23Man, I LOVED this back in 2004.
- stattek, on 10/10/2007, -0/+19Hugs with other guys must be accompanied by solid pats on the back, and rubbing should NEVER occur.
- darny, on 10/10/2007, -2/+21There should also be something in this list about quiche.
- Schmidtopolis, on 10/10/2007, -0/+19That's tip of the iceberg. Most other rules relate to what could be construed as gay, and what's not. Example: "How to give a man hug".
- MacEnvy, on 10/10/2007, -0/+18Insecure, immature, homophobic, or whatever ... the fact remains that there is ALWAYS an alternating urinal buffer in the mens' room. It's not defined as a rule that must be followed, but rather a natural law of the universe. It just happens, and we're all kind of glad it does.
- NinjaBoy, on 10/10/2007, -5/+23Pussy
- TheMeatball, on 10/10/2007, -1/+19No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.
- Pssdoff, on 10/10/2007, -0/+18What about gold and chrome?
- erbpro8, on 10/10/2007, -0/+17This is from an old issue of Maxim. All good rules that I live by.
- rockefeller, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1716. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.
*****, when I was like 12, I was joking around ,trying to get this girls dog to run across a busy road. I didn't think the dumbass dog would actually go for it, but he did. He was run over and died in the girl's arms. One of like 3 things I honestly regret doing in my life. - Th3_anOmoLy, on 10/10/2007, -2/+18Except in the case where his handbag obsessed wife/girlfriend is withholding sex for calling the damn thing a "purse"
- inactive, on 10/10/2007, -1/+17"By no means to you go up to a urinal that is surrounded."
Depends on how bad I have to go. If I'm on the pee train, there is NO way I'm pissing myself just because a stall is surrounded and someone might look at my junk.
Dry pants > surrounded urinal - Sibre, on 10/10/2007, -1/+17Unless you're Dr. John Dorian, then no. When everyone else around you is drinking beer, and you are sipping down an appletini, you just look gay.
- dondara, on 10/10/2007, -3/+18Thanks, freakin websense filtered.
- Sharky35, on 10/10/2007, -2/+17Leave Kevin alone.
- motherwell, on 10/10/2007, -2/+1711. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
......either the stronger bladder isn't driving meaning the driver pulls over anyway, or he is driving, in which case the passenger with the weak bladders pees in your car. -
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