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The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

cracked.com — If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now. It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking.

Who dugg this? Made popular Nov 28, 2007

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  • Trax91, on 11/28/2007, -13/+605Dugg just for "Kids: Don't ***** With God or Bears Will Eat You".
  • inactive, on 11/28/2007, -16/+308Madness? THIS IS ISRAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • relaxeder, on 04/17/2009, -3/+224"Finding a fresh jawbone of an ass, he grabbed it and struck
    down a thousand men. Then Samson said,

    "With an ass's jawbone
    I have made asses of them.
    With an ass's jawbone
    I have killed a thousand men."

    Holy *****!
  • knifesideleft, on 11/28/2007, -13/+210Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the
    tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through
    the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike
    down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!
  • dunnylovehun, on 11/28/2007, -7/+202Probably should have put it in description that this is by David Wong, same guy who wrote:
    5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_5-scientific- ...
    What is the Monkeysphere? http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysp ...
    7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making you Miserable: http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21s ...
    The 10 Most Awesome Movies Hollywood Ever Killed http://www.cracked.com/article_15072_10-most-aweso ...
    Alas, that would have been a pretty long description...
  • mikesbaker, on 11/28/2007, -8/+187ah the old testament - back when if you pissed of god or the jews they would kill you twice and the rest of your family too just for good measure
  • crila, on 11/28/2007, -6/+118"Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew." HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
  • natdowner, on 11/28/2007, -4/+87Haha, seriously that is hilarious!
    "Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?"
  • inactive, on 11/28/2007, -3/+71The old testament is one crazy book.

    FTA- "You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense."
  • MicrosoftBob, on 11/28/2007, -5/+65"I try to speak in everyday language. I feel like God has gifted me to take Bible principles and make them practical." -Joel Osteen

    Somehow I doubt these nine verses would be very practical for soccer moms and promise keepers.

  • carterbaldwin, on 11/28/2007, -5/+64If you haven't seen it already, www.thebricktestament.com chronicles many of these badass moments with Lego.
  • Intangible360, on 11/28/2007, -11/+70If you think this article reflect positively on religion, you sir, are insane.
  • EvanVolm, on 11/28/2007, -7/+64"You read the Bible, Brett?"
  • TheNorris, on 11/28/2007, -5/+61another great list from cracked.com, david wong ist just great...
    "It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that."
    brilliant
  • Ezekiel2517, on 11/28/2007, -2/+58Dugg for beating me to it
  • FredFredrickson, on 11/28/2007, -13/+68Chuck Norris is a *****.
  • ronaldinho, on 11/28/2007, -4/+53I find it hilarious and I'm a Christian. David Wong is definitely one of the better writers out there
  • kingkilr, on 11/28/2007, -10/+59Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
  • LoudMusic, on 11/28/2007, -1/+48Clearly you didn't read very far because it gets much, MUCH, better.
  • Corneileus, on 11/28/2007, -4/+48I'd argue that God is more vengeful than evil in the old testament. Hypocrites and liars were destroyed the same way you and I would destroy 99% of our own politicians if possible.
  • joshmoney, on 11/28/2007, -1/+44Thats funny, I thought the verse was actually,
    ועשיתי בם נקמות גדלות בתוכחות חמה וידעו כי־אני יהוה בתתי את־נקמתי"
    בם׃ ס
  • ColonelJessup, on 11/28/2007, -7/+50English *****! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?!
  • UberNick, on 11/28/2007, -0/+38How much interpretation can you read into sending bears to maul children?
  • elipabst, on 11/28/2007, -2/+35Deuteronomy chapter 3:
    "And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan.
    All these cities were fenced with high walls, gates, and bars; beside unwalled towns a great many.
    And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.
    But all the cattle, and the spoil of the cities, we took for a prey to ourselves. "

    Hey yeah. Kill em all, let Yahweh sort em out!
  • psg188, on 11/28/2007, -3/+35Pulp Fiction is an awesome movie.
  • Pixelante, on 11/28/2007, -5/+36That's a misquote. In the original Aramaic he actually said "lightsaber", not "sword".
  • inactive, on 11/28/2007, -6/+37lol man that ***** was HILARIOUS

    i wish i could summon a pair of child maiming grizzly avengers myself ;)
  • moskaudancer, on 11/28/2007, -4/+33Jews were such badasses.
  • markp93, on 11/28/2007, -2/+30"God created Arrakis to train the faithful."
  • inactive, on 11/28/2007, -5/+32"Every year in Israel, divine-bear attacks kill over 500 children." Epic win.
  • ostracize, on 11/28/2007, -8/+35That's way out of context. Jesus says all that will come about as a result of what he teaches. Not that he condones any of it.
  • UbIwerks, on 11/28/2007, -1/+27Samson Beats Battlestar Gallactica
  • mikesbaker, on 11/28/2007, -1/+27no get back to work
  • jon30041, on 11/28/2007, -2/+28Samson beat Muhammed Ali to the whole 'rhyming' thing!

    I heard that ALI was the originator of rap! Screw THAT, Samson ALL THE WAY!
  • CosmoKramer, on 11/28/2007, -1/+26the bible text is shown in an image, and i'm pretty sure we're all too lazy to do anything but ctrl+c.
  • Magnolit, on 11/28/2007, -2/+26BUCKET *****, DO YOU HAS IT?
  • ezcheezbandit, on 11/28/2007, -0/+24"...cause there's this passage I got memorized."
  • bugaloobob, on 11/28/2007, -2/+25Badass!
    http://www.thebricktestament.com/exodus/moses_comm ...
  • Berkana, on 11/28/2007, -11/+34Islam *IS* (present tense) a violent religion. With a few exceptions, you generally don't see Judaism nor Christianity officially sanctioning this kind of activity today.
  • cawpin, on 11/28/2007, -4/+27WTF? No Revelations 6:8? How can that not be on the list?

    "And behold, a pale horse, and he who sat on it, his name was Death. Hades followed with him. Authority over one fourth of the earth, to kill with the sword, with famine, with death, and by the wild animals of the earth was given to him."
  • sgtbutterscotch, on 11/28/2007, -3/+25One verse later:
    "And then Samson thought
    'I am a poet
    And I didn't even know it.'"
  • Hypermarkalan, on 11/28/2007, -8/+30Peace be with you.
  • Pixelante, on 11/28/2007, -1/+22They still are. They invented the Uzi.
  • blesbok, on 11/28/2007, -0/+20I think Mel Gibson should make a movie about the old testament. You know, with bears and assbones and *****. I bet it would put 300 to shame.
  • inactive, on 11/28/2007, -23/+43And people say Islam is a violent religion...
  • steelclash84, on 11/28/2007, -1/+21The path of the righteous...
  • goldfenix, on 11/28/2007, -0/+20Ezekiel 25:17.
  • vulapine, on 11/28/2007, -6/+25You saw that movie too?
  • UberNick, on 11/28/2007, -6/+25And if they don't listen, maul them with frikkin bears!
  • MrStabby, on 11/28/2007, -0/+19...man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

    ...of course that isn't actually Ezekiel 25:17, but man does it make for a memorable speech!
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