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- anon8354, on 04/30/2008, -2/+21I'm a regular digger, but I created a new login for this post. I'm a sex addict. It makes me a little sad to see a lot of the comments here; this is the sort of thing that alcoholics dealt with 40 years ago, but they've moved into a realm of social acceptance.
Sex addiction is, I assure you, real. It's hard for other people to grasp it without experiencing it first hand. It can take many, many forms, but usually follows a cycle of fantasy, ritualization, acting out, and shame, which leads back to the fantasy. You might look at porn for 6, 8, 12 hours at a stretch and have no idea where those hours went. Some people call those phone sex lines. After the fantasy part of the cycle has reached its peak you start to ritualize. You have personals sites, chat rooms, porn shops, whatever that you habitually cruise, preparing you to act. Once you complete your ritual, which could be just a few minutes or days long, you are compelled to act out. The compulsion is extremely strong - lots of people don't even really realize what's going on, it's almost trance like. You'll have sex with anyone. You don't need to be attracted to them, know their name. You might have gay sex if you're not gay or attracted to men. You might expose yourself in public. You almost never enjoy it.
Then comes the shame. You, of course, feel like a horrible person. You've almost certainly hurt someone. Your spouse/partner, the person you had sex with, yourself. You WANT to stop. The shame and guilt weighs on you. You can't tell anyone. What would they think? What would they say to/about you? The only thing left is to medicate the guilty, lonely feelings with more fantasy, and it starts all over again.
I'm in a recovery program now. There's a couple dozen of us in a couple different meetings around my (mid sized) city. There's a few inpatient recovery programs around the country. There's daily national phone conference meetings for people who can't make an in person one and need to talk to people who won't judge them.
The suffers of this addiction are varied. Wealthy and poor, successful and not. Old and young. Men and women. Gay and straight. It's remarkable, though, how no matter who they are how much their stories are alike. Most were abused, often sexually, as children. Some of the abuse was different that the typical "priest on alter boy" things we read about in the news, some not. Most grew up with addicts in their home; sometimes sex, more often alcohol and drugs.
If it helps to understand, think about it like a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. Do you think people with OCD want to wash their hands 50 times, or turn a light switch on and off 100 time before they leave the room? But they HAVE to. They usually can't tell you why, but they would be completely unable to function until they do it. Sex addiction is sort of the shame, except the trigger (what might be seeing a doorknob for someone with OCD) is usually depression, loneliness, isolation and the action is sexual and not something more innocuous like having to make sure the door is open at just the right angle.
To doubt the validity of this condition is to be utterly lack compassion. These are people who have almost always had a trying life who are lead to do things they don't want in order to feel just a little bit better about themselves. In some circumstances they might have turned to drugs or drink, but they didn't, and they're now even more trapped into a life of desperation. People minimizing their illness makes them less likely to seek help, and if they don't get help there's a very real chance that they will end up in prison, sick or dead with an STD or by violence, or at the very best alone, depressed, and miserable.
Fortunately, I'm doing well. I've been in a group program for almost a year and a half now. I've not acted on my compulsion during that time. I'm orders of magnitude happier now than I ever was. My relationship with my wife (yes I'm married, and yes she is aware of my addiction) is getting better, and while it's not what it used to be, yet, I feel like it will be better than before, eventually.
So, before you react with an automatic response of 'that's just silly', think about what people used to think about alcoholism. Think about, just for a second, what it would be like to feel like you don't have control of your actions. Even if you don't think it's real, think about the people who do feel it's real. Think about how bad, how unmanageable, their life must be for them to get to the point where they're willing to say "I'm a sex addict" because doing that, and talking to other people who are experiencing the same things, is the only way they're able to get a fingernail of control on their lives.
Even if you doubt the validity of the diagnosis, why would you try to belittle or marginalize the suffering of others when just putting a name, any name, to something can often times be enough let them chip away a tiny hand hold on it and grab back some semblance of normality? These people aren't hurting you, but they are hurting themselves, so this is one time when maybe the old "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all rule" could apply.
All of this said, I'm glad there's a story about this. Even if it's not completely positive, it's something, and eventually, I believe, we'll all look at sex addiction like we do alcoholism. If anyone has any, serious, questions about this I can do be best to answer them here, so feel free to ask. - flmumb, on 04/30/2008, -0/+18Completely true. I started with porn, but now I can't get off without three midgets taking a dump in front of me while I kick an old lady dressed like a firefighter, while I eat chocolate cake.
- mal1964, on 04/30/2008, -0/+13Both men and women can have the addiction but when they get an urge for sex, 99% of the women can get a fix compared to 1% of the men.
- Lanage, on 04/30/2008, -0/+13Why are you asking us? We're Diggers.
- coyote1284, on 04/30/2008, -0/+12"Don't come in! A ghost just flew by and there's ectoplasm everywhere!"
- gcnaddict, on 04/30/2008, -1/+12Men are addicted to sex until the urge is relieved... and the relief only lasts for a few minutes to a few hours at best.
- dOOBiEx213, on 04/30/2008, -0/+8Sex is great, and all...but it's not as good as the real thing.
- jamesallen74, on 04/30/2008, -0/+8Simple question to ask yourself. If you knew the girl has 5 STDs and bugs down there, and you don't have protection, and this is the only opportunity to have sex with her, would you? If you can't resist, then you are an addict.
- wacki, on 04/30/2008, -0/+7How many Gigs (or Terabytes) of porn does it take to become an "addict"?
- inactive, on 04/30/2008, -1/+7People can make poor choice about anything!!! Why not trivalize people with actual diseases and just call all poor choices a disease?
- RonniSR, on 04/30/2008, -0/+6A lot would probably say yes!!
But just for a heads up: To be addicted you actually have to experienced it before :p - eMximeR, on 04/30/2008, -0/+52005 was a good year...
- Scottievm, on 04/30/2008, -0/+5"The behaviour ranges from viewing online porn for a few hours a day, which is usually a starting point"
Uh oh... - MacBookForMe, on 04/30/2008, -2/+7yes, especially for self promotion and celebrity status...
- credence, on 04/30/2008, -0/+5Yogi Berra, is that you?
- Sibre, on 04/30/2008, -1/+5No, those people who cheated are not addicts. They're commonly known as *****.
- zenithmbr, on 04/30/2008, -2/+6this is what I'M addicted to:
http://www.redtube.com/10147 - roostersheep, on 01/16/2009, -3/+7Chuck Norris is outside of time, and so doesn't get old.
- anon8354, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3Hahhah. No. The people who come to the meetings are nearly always at the end of their rope. Imagine how out of control and unhappy you must feel to take yourself to a sex addiction meeting. The first few times a person comes to a meeting they are usually so horribly miserable that you can do nothing but feel sorry for them. They've hit rock bottom. They're usually considering suicide as a possible out, but fortunately have opted to come to the meeting instead. When they start to recover, and have some sense of control of their lives, and some idea that maybe, just maybe, there's a light of hope somewhere out there you feel so good for them and you feel so good for yourself because you can see how they've improved which then reflects on your own recovery which just makes you want to keep working as hard as you can at staying 'sober'.
It would be like bringing a fifth to an AA meeting... seems like it would happen all the time, but rarely, if ever, does. - mal1964, on 04/30/2008, -1/+4I have a few Friends who were never content and always chased sex. It didn't matter if they were married or had a girlfriend or if the relationship was good or bad. I will be 44 and I'm proud to say I never cheated on any of my girlfriends. I didn't see why i had to, I had everything i wanted at home. So yes i think some people are.
- gotterdammerung, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3It can be a natural and zesty enterprise, but unfortunately there are some people - it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women - who engage in it compulsively, and without joy.
- carrtoonist, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3"There's a difference in responding to your own adrenaline rush - which some people may receive from a passion for golf or Celine Dion - and craving a substance your body is addicted to."
In terms of the chemicals in your brain there is no difference. The author says so himself....""The original idea of addiction was that you had a chemical hijacking of the circuits of the brain built to give you pleasure as reward for doing things of a survival value, such as eating or having sex.""
Or in other words, eating or having sex have the same chemical effects as an addicting substance. So why can't we get addicted to them?
Better luck next time, jackass. - inactive, on 04/30/2008, -1/+4No, I'm only addicted to masturbation.
- racco, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3like food, water, and air
- SharkyTech, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3I'm also addicted to water, food and air.
- crossmr, on 04/30/2008, -1/+4Your insight is amazing, how long did you spend talking to them and getting to know them before coming to that conclusion? the definition of addiction is that you can't control the urge. if you have overwhelming urges to view porn, masturbate, or have sex that you can't control and begin to interfere with your life, its an addiction. If you just like ***** around that's a different thing all together.
- anon8354, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3Clearly you've never had any experience with addiction. The most helpful thing I can say to you is to maybe stop thinking about the word addiction and try thinking about the word compulsion. Have you ever watched a special on the Discovery channel or TLC about OCD? Do you think to yourself "that person should surely be able to stop washing his hands over and over and over again if he wants to, even though his hands are cracked and bleeding from scrubbing so much he could stop, if only he really tried". This is more akin to that, in my experience.
- oddmanout, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2technicaly, no. it's an action, not a substance... that would technically make it a compulsion, not an addiction
- lolinyerface, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Good to see you are in agreement. :)
- davidsmero, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Yes its a real disease with doctors and medicine and all.
- levitron, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2"There's a difference in responding to your own adrenaline rush - which some people may receive from a passion for golf or Celine Dion - and craving a substance your body is addicted to." WTF?!
- Sibre, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Hypochondria, maybe?
- roostersheep, on 01/16/2009, -1/+3Jeez! The relief can last for up to 2 to 3 days for me. A few minutes? That sounds like a horrible unforfilled existence.
- threemagic, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2There is a difference between a poor choice and an addiction. Poor choices are made because of self esteem issues. Addiction is because you have a biological need to fulfill, ultimately eliminating choice.
- mal1964, on 04/30/2008, -1/+3Everyone can be an ***** at times. You can label them anyway you want, But some of my friends were complete gentlemen to their spouses when they were together.
- pinchduck, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2It does, in as much as we are addicted to oxygen or calories.
- sirslacker, on 04/30/2008, -2/+4Digg, you never ceased to wow me. It's called nymphomania, and yes, just like every other mania, it's a legitimate addiction that afflicts both sexes (Although moreso females).
- mal1964, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Wow!, Not to many on digg get it, And I understand most Normies don't get it and they don't have to. But its refreshing when someone does.
- VinceNoir, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Sex makes people have conniptions they shouldn't have. A lot of that is due to the following facts:
1. Sex, if you're doing it right, brings out the animal in humans. That's disconcerting to people who think humans aren't really animals.
2. There is also the life creating power of sex. Fairly reliable birth control is a relatively new invention. The responsibility of creating new life is enough to "put people in their place".
3. The increase in the varieties of sexually transmissible diseases and the easy ability to spread them, along with the possibility of eventual death has added a chilling factor to sex since the 20th century.
The "morals" that people espouse are simply a tool for controlling the less independent thinkers of human cultures to try and prevent unwanted births and the spread of disease. If humanity came up with 100% effective birth control, and 100% effective protection against disease with 0% impact on pleasure, these "morals" would disappear after a few centuries. - troye, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Personally, I have 15 Gigs of p0rn, and I don't consider myself a sex addict.
I think it's just societies' moral qualms about sex that's driving people to think they are addicted to sex. - sirico, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1i have sex addiction= my embarrassing sexual adventures are now public knowledge, Its called genetics rabbits are like the crack addicts pandas are the well pandas are just lazy .the only reason most of us don't have it is because we either have some point in standards or like me unlucky wit the opposite sex
- vcoach, on 07/04/2008, -0/+1Yes there is such a thing as a sex addiction, although it is really a compulsion when you come right down to it! Just like all habitual behavior or addiction it is a vehicle to mask the pain of underlying emotional trauma. In other words, it takes your mind off of the emotional pain.
I am an Addiction Recovery Coach and have worked with clients suffering from sexual addiction.
I have written an article on this subject if anyone eould like more info;
Overcome Sexual addiction - AWBoy666, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1I am because I still have 2 stories I submitted that got over 300 diggs in the first two days and never made the front page......
Digg does unfairly chose what makes it on there. Don't be misled. - troye, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1I'm addicted to my Blackberry, Xbox 360, and diet coke.
- oddmanout, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1Close. You're right that it's not an addiction, but not so much because you can live without it, but because it's a thing that you do. You get addicted to substances, chemicals, etc. When there's an action that you perform over and over, it's called a compulsion.
- whalt, on 05/03/2008, -0/+1I can quit any time she wants.
- oddmanout, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1because sex is an act, not a substance. So by definition it's a compulsion, not an addiction.
- VinceNoir, on 04/30/2008, -1/+2It depends on the girl. If she's my ultimate dreamgirl in terms of looks, then... it would be hard to resist. But if she looks like Jessica Simpson or Pamela Anderson, forget it.
- leerayIG88, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1low blow....
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