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Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs)

cracked.com — “Listen, son, you’re in a heap of trouble here,” the detective stubbed out his cigarette on the heel of his shoe, and settled in across from me. “We’ve got you on charges of Trespassing, Vandalism, Burglary, Kidnapping, Attempted Bestiality, and Grand Theft Tiger.

Who dugg this? Made popular Apr 2, 2009

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92 Comments

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  • bluepill2, on 04/02/2009, -1/+199Wow cracked. Not only do you come up with one of the best Choose Your Own Adventure gigs I've seen in a long time, but you managed to do it all IN ONE PAGE!
  • SmooveO, on 04/02/2009, -3/+115awesome! took me back to my childhood (without all the beatings from my father)
  • sandipc, on 04/02/2009, -1/+87especially incredible, considering this is one instance where multiple pages would have made sense
  • djdavetrouble, on 04/02/2009, -0/+70I don't know what it is, but "***** this Zoo" is insanely funny.
  • eggloaf, on 04/02/2009, -0/+56Man, I was sent to the principal's office in fifth grade for writing a Goosebumps-like choose your own ending story, because I thought that after hearing the D.A.R.E officer speak a book like that would make a lot more sense if it were all an acid trip. Even though it wasn't pro-drug by any stretch of the imagination (I was ten years old for *****'s sake) I was told never to write about drugs again and rewrote my story without them. Had I not listened to them I would be famous on the internet as a writer for cracked. Now I'm unemployed with an irreparably crushed morale. Thanks Glendale Elementary.
  • PeanutCheeseBar, on 04/02/2009, -1/+53Dugg for "Grand Theft Tiger".
  • diggface5000, on 04/02/2009, -0/+52“WHO’S THE GODDAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS TIGER BOAT?”
  • blitz718, on 04/02/2009, -0/+51they like to mind ***** you in that manner
  • serif69, on 04/02/2009, -3/+54Hey man, you ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill?

    You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on WEED? Oh there's some crazy *****, man. There's a guy in the bushes! Does he have a gun? I DON'T KNOW! RED TEAM GO! RED TEAM GO!
  • michaelrsa, on 04/02/2009, -1/+44Damn, why did it have to stop? This was the greatest CYOA story I've ever seen, Cracked needs to make more.
  • BedPost, on 04/02/2009, -0/+35What a twist!
  • NovaPrime9, on 04/02/2009, -0/+31"Grand Theft Tiger."

    Suddenly, I have a new goal in life.
  • holyskeleton, on 04/02/2009, -1/+30actually this is one time that i wished they did several pages. who else tried to click on the underlined "go to page x?"
  • Takfam, on 04/02/2009, -0/+25"I can handle my *****. I'm a *****-handler!" is my new favorite drunk phrase and I will make sure to repeat it whenever someone offers me a shot of tequila.
  • Phroday, on 04/02/2009, -2/+27if the go to page 3 was in link form, idve liked it better.
  • TheKitchenSinkX, on 04/02/2009, -0/+19No and yes. I wish they did the in-line linking, but not separate pages.

    You know, like how Wikipedia does it.
  • justok, on 04/02/2009, -0/+19They tried to pin that on me once, too. I said I thought they were lion
  • DaigojiGai, on 04/02/2009, -2/+15This was a great!
  • chuckDontSurf, on 04/02/2009, -0/+13"You and Alex the Indian take turns hitting the bottle and sharing long-winded anecdotes about how bosses suck. As the hours pass, you find yourself bonding with this mysterious and fascinating man. He tells you that he likes to “get online and look at titties,” and you agree wholeheartedly. You give him your email address, and later you become fast friends. Throughout the years this friendship allows to assuage your white guilt by telling everybody that your “best friend is a Native American.” Your heart will later be broken when you learn he is actually Puerto Rican."
    ***** genius. This will definitely be the funniest thing I'm going to read today.
  • drouk1556, on 04/03/2009, -0/+12I'd've is my new favorite contraction.
  • Wrake, on 04/02/2009, -1/+12Thought I was going to make it past 11am without getting high. I lose.
  • tiberone, on 04/02/2009, -0/+9Surely Cracked has a deal with the devil to be able to continuously provide such high-quality comedy
  • cerealjynx, on 04/02/2009, -1/+10-Jon Stewart
  • blitz718, on 04/02/2009, -0/+9jesus christ its a lion get in the tiger
  • DouglasQ, on 04/02/2009, -2/+10Jesus!
  • flowingsphere, on 04/02/2009, -1/+9That's really awful.
  • digggggggggg, on 04/02/2009, -0/+8Dugg for "***** This Zoo"
  • Egroh08, on 04/03/2009, -0/+8...

    So how about that weather?
  • Chumblespuzz, on 04/02/2009, -2/+10Something Awful did something similar a long time ago:

    http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/ch ...

    You'll probably recognize a couple of the book covers.
  • otbeverly, on 04/02/2009, -0/+7Go back a few years and take a look at Cracked when it was published. Their online presence is much more ... humorous ... than their print presence ever was, even though it's totally different. Actually, Cracked.com provides a good blueprint for many forms of print media to transcend their online presence, overhauling the original business model and replacing it with an entirely different, though familiar, online model.
  • lemayo, on 04/02/2009, -0/+7Ah! Ah! Death! I didn’t really pick that one! Go back!
  • ra9e, on 04/03/2009, -0/+5its not too late, go forth and be somebody!
  • BlitzkrIg, on 04/03/2009, -0/+5You wake up with an inappropriate erection and a headache that would kill a god.
  • ganjamonsta, on 04/02/2009, -1/+6jesus ***** christ. that was awesome.
  • Diggbotness, on 04/02/2009, -0/+4I read every last word. That was epic.
  • flowingsphere, on 04/02/2009, -0/+4Yup.
  • yocouchdigga, on 04/02/2009, -0/+4what?
  • diskit, on 04/02/2009, -1/+5I've faced Grand Theft Tiger charges...

    It's not a pretty sight.
  • inactive, on 04/02/2009, -0/+4maybe its beacaus im droned on hydrocodone but wat?
  • FredFredrickson, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3Man, I had that book (the one they altered) when I was a kid. It was actually quite a good CYOA, in my opinion.
  • ajaxmil, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3I will do whatever evil deeds are necessary to make sure Cracked makes another one of these... and soon.
  • GroundIsSound, on 04/02/2009, -1/+4i missed the usually rhythm of cracked articles do much that i just reloaded the page ten times throughout the course of the article in order to replicate the usual experience
  • sweeneyowns, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3grand theft tiger memes ensue
  • otbeverly, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3That's where my adventure ended as well. Come to think of it, I never made it far in those books as a kid.

    ... perhaps that should tell me something about my decision-making skills.
  • chuckDontSurf, on 04/02/2009, -1/+4No *****, this is pure gold, for example the picture captions: "All life is one. A sadly more literal statement for the hawk-faced bobcat."
  • Elliuotatar, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3How can you have penguin blood on you at the end if the adventure ends if you attempt to eat a penguin?
  • hilo4321, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3i love the rationalizations and thought processes while on whatever drug at the time. hilarious.
  • barrakuda, on 04/02/2009, -0/+3I did it. even after i read yor comment.
  • rotundo, on 04/03/2009, -0/+2That's awesome. Always loved CYOA. Here's a fave of mine from the earlier days of the internets:

    http://bradthegame.com/

    Pretty ***** up. But funny if you're in the mood.
  • Rugrash, on 04/02/2009, -0/+2I still have a stack of those books somewhere. Too funny tho!!! Dugg for "ass shrink wrap"
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