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Butts Charged With Stealing Toilet Paper

hosted.ap.org — Police blame a woman named Butts for stealing toilet paper from a central Iowa courthouse, and while they're chuckling, the theft charge could put her in prison.

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  • deadowl, on 10/11/2007, -123/+4The article I read was titled "Police: Butts Swiped Toilet Paper from Court."

    I was first thinking that they came out with a brand of cigarettes called "Police," but then I read further, and began to believe it was a story about how often police are having diarrhea during court. But no, it's really neither.
    • Nougat, on 10/11/2007, -27/+9@doctorsax (#7146895)

      In the future, please refrain from using the words "suck" and "diarrhea" in such close proximity.
    • mccrusc, on 10/11/2007, -21/+4Now Butts will only get one roll per month.

      Butts is the Nemesis of Cheryl Crow.

      I always suspected those Buttses were toilet paper fiends.

      I'm in yer Buttz eatin' all yer TP!

      Think they'll give her the hot seat?

      ...

      there-- I fixed it.
    • omueller, on 10/11/2007, -3/+18@deadowl

      WTF?!
    • Lumiras, on 10/11/2007, -3/+17I hate it when people have to tell us about how they read the ***** headline improperly. I don't care if you're stupid, therefore I don't care that you can't read.
    • dorianh49, on 10/11/2007, -6/+1Maybe her first name is Dawn. It would give new meaning to that phrase.
    • deadowl, on 10/11/2007, -7/+2Cool!! My most buried comment ever!!!

      I wasn't exactly thinking this story would actually make it to the front page either.
    • Steel_Blue, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7It was her destiny.
    • bowels, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1I hope the TP that she attempted to swipe is the quality, multi-ply, fluffy kind. Institutional toilet paper is often that 1200 sheet thin stuff that scrapes away at your butt (or in this case, at Butt's butt).
    • Nekko17, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2She's dead.
  • dcbrown07, on 10/11/2007, -32/+1lets hope she doesn't have a butt chin
    • funkonomics, on 10/11/2007, -9/+5Man!

      If your name is "Butts", you should be able to steal all the toilet paper you want!


      Seriously, that would suck.
  • nottidredd, on 10/11/2007, -24/+5Was it Seymour Butts?
  • Makubex, on 10/11/2007, -4/+106Butts may get three years in prison for stealing three rolls of toilet paper? That's pretty ***** if you ask me...


    I'm sorry. Someone had to say it.
    • threepio, on 10/11/2007, -1/+85She'll be wiped out by this!!

      Really though, all of these cracks are a little below the belt.
    • fitzfan, on 10/11/2007, -4/+51Im sure she has been the butt of jokes for years, and this isnt going to help.
    • Winters, on 10/11/2007, -4/+36I think everyone involved are acting like asses.
    • M3RCINIAN, on 10/11/2007, -21/+3It's really out of my WIND to say anything about this. I'd rather wipe my BUTT with TOILET PAPER.
    • mccrusc, on 10/11/2007, -0/+24Just hope she doesn't drop the soap-- there's nothing more dangerous for Butts in prison than dropping the soap.
    • NeoCortex, on 10/11/2007, -13/+1If only his first names were Seymour. Then it would be perfect.
    • HeaDiggrNCharge, on 10/11/2007, -4/+2What an asswipe!
  • wschalle, on 10/11/2007, -24/+11This story is a moron magnet.
    • theholycow, on 10/11/2007, -4/+29That explains why you're here.

      Oh, right, me too.
    • miriclaire, on 10/11/2007, -8/+3How would you know unless you read it? And if you read it --oh, it just goes on and on! The irony!
    • dorianh49, on 10/11/2007, -3/+2Whatever you say, Analis. I mean, Alanis.
    • mehss, on 10/11/2007, -1/+4Gosh darn morans
  • CkMaverick, on 10/11/2007, -4/+35All jokes aside, are they really going to jail this woman for taking a couple rolls of toilet paper? Are they not for public use? I would throw this case out and give her a warning.
    • duke, on 10/11/2007, -10/+2That's why it's more serious. If you steal something that was paid for with public money, it's generally more serious.
    • kmb1794, on 10/11/2007, -2/+7Wait, how can it be stealing if they give it away? If she's "rem publica" she pretty much paid for it. So how is she stealing something she's paid for?

      Are they going to count the salt and pepper packs I take next?

      They should have a monitor in toilet stalls, "Hey! You stop there. That's right, roll that TP backwards and pull your pants up. You're through. Done wiping. Move on. You've used your quota of squares."

      The only way it can be fair is if there is an equal quota for everybody regardless of ass size or dirtiness.
    • mccrusc, on 10/11/2007, -3/+2Well, she's a repeat offender.

      oh, and "all jokes aside"

      How? Butts stole toilet paper. It's providence.
    • dorianh49, on 10/11/2007, -4/+2Wasn't she supposed to be in the upcoming Star Trek prequel, circling Uranus wiping out Klingons?
    • BenKenobi88, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Public =/= giving away.
      Granted I think it's too harsh, but you think because we paid for the toilet paper with our taxes, some random person is allowed to waltz up and take it? That makes no sense.
  • DanGleesacks, on 10/11/2007, -2/+28I think she needs to clean up her act...!

    The courts should just forget about it and wipe the slate clean!
  • kbull, on 10/11/2007, -2/+27Sounds like she's in deep ***** and could really use some more TP.
  • thedarkrabbit, on 10/11/2007, -2/+19Dugg for being tragically funny...
  • Chull, on 10/11/2007, -6/+2What an ass.
  • Grivako, on 10/11/2007, -1/+32Bad....puns....assailing....my.....senses!
  • dancantone, on 10/11/2007, -10/+0Funny how we all avoid the fact that she needs mental health services.

    Advocating medical help for these mentally afflicted people instead of ridiculing her last name would make you truly the smarter one.
    • duke, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7Says who??? Nothing in TFA about that!

      I suppose you think we should just turn the other cheek - that you see nothing charmin' about these puns at all. She committed arseny, after all, and her record was papered with prior offenses - she was on a roll.
  • somesthetic, on 10/11/2007, -4/+3something about this story stinks.
  • skaface69, on 10/11/2007, -9/+2She sounds like a real ass

    ASS PUNS ASSEMBLE!!!!
  • zyl0x, on 10/11/2007, -6/+7All name jokes aside, 3 years of prison for 3 rolls of TP? Your justice system is *****.
    • xarevius, on 10/11/2007, -5/+3Government-spec toilet paper is pretty expensive I hear.
    • somesthetic, on 10/11/2007, -2/+6quadruple ply!
    • Sparkster185, on 10/11/2007, -3/+3She *could* get *up to* three years. This isn't her first theft offense, either, she's a repeat offender.

      I'm all about imposing harsher penalties on repeat offenders. Obviously they didn't learn their lesson and the initial punishment(s) wasn't enough.
    • zyl0x, on 10/11/2007, -1/+4It's ***** TP, man. 3 years in prison? Give me a break.
  • Chull, on 10/11/2007, -9/+2@ Dancantone

    MUST......DESTROY....FUN.....RARRGH!
    • norbiu, on 10/11/2007, -0/+9@chull

      MUST.....USE......REPLY FUNCTION.....AARGH!
  • Maynza, on 10/11/2007, -2/+3i wonder if it was intentional or if the charges just stuck
  • bowb4me, on 10/11/2007, -5/+0What a pain the ass!
  • morrislevy, on 10/11/2007, -5/+2They should have remembered to use a leaf instead. Saves money and their asses. :P Biodegradable too.
    • Jugalator, on 10/11/2007, -1/+4Leaf? You're supposed to use the shells.
  • dancantone, on 10/11/2007, -8/+0back @ya chull-
    If thats fun for you I could give 2 ***** if you got a reality check...maybe you need one.
    • norbiu, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Dear Digg,

      .c-reply {
      font-size: 50px;
      color: #FF0000;
      }

      kthx
  • Kronos6948, on 10/11/2007, -2/+11In other news, Beavis and Butthead now writing headlines for the AP...
  • Palaceguard, on 10/11/2007, -14/+2Breaking news: no flash on iPhone, Apple inc. throws Jobs out the Window.
    • iDiggIt42, on 10/11/2007, -0/+11Hey buddy I think you replied to the wrong topic.
  • patkirkrick, on 10/11/2007, -4/+1""She's facing potentially three years of incarceration for three rolls of toilet paper," Chief Lon Walker said, stifling a laugh as he talked to KCCI-TV about Suzanne Marie Butts. "See, I can't say it with a straight face."

    I want to join you there, dude, but really the joke kind of got old after 20 seconds. And you're talking about putting a woman in prison over toilet paper.
  • MikeonTV, on 10/11/2007, -1/+3"Woman (Butts) Makes A Stink About Being Without Toilet Paper"
  • swoopdog, on 10/11/2007, -1/+22I love the criminal justice system in this country. This lady could get 3 years in prison for stealing TOILET PAPER.

    whereas if you were Paris Hilton you could drive under the influence and subsequently putting people's lives at risk and additionally driving on a suspended license violating her parole for reckless endangerment. And she gets 3 days.

    What is with this country's criminal justice system?
    • zyl0x, on 10/11/2007, -1/+12It runs on money.
    • Terr01, on 10/11/2007, -2/+1Yes, wonderful green money, delicious and full of fiber... No wonder stealing toilet paper is so important!
    • xilaen, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2Yes it was a bad decision on the first judges part, but your about a week behind the news man, she's back in jail but then again 45 days isn't 3 years. But then again Butts isn't in California, I'd like to think that it's just Iowa that would think about doing this to her. I can see a fine and some community service would be more fitting, maybe cleaning the restrooms.
  • wildsnake, on 10/11/2007, -3/+1Watchdog groups run this country
  • Grova, on 10/11/2007, -1/+6Yes...I'm looking for a Seymour Butts.
  • 1Stoner, on 10/11/2007, -5/+0It could be worse

    Her last name could be Asscrack
  • DTJunkie07, on 10/11/2007, -1/+11Why don't you all quit smearing this poor lady. She didn't do ***** to you.
  • bicyclethief, on 10/11/2007, -3/+0For these charges, her attorney will prepare a proper rebuttal.
  • s1mph0ny, on 10/11/2007, -3/+0I'm just waiting for the headline after the judgement... Butts lands her ass in jail.
  • feenikz4180, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2Where else could it go?
  • mandarin, on 10/11/2007, -2/+2Great Shatner's Ghost!
  • GEOFF1, on 10/11/2007, -2/+0Rofl bout the name but thats kinda sad that she might get jail time for stealing toilet paper.
    I mean theft is theft but toilet paper SERIOUSLY!!!!
  • hydrosnowman, on 10/11/2007, -0/+3On the local newscast, the anchorwoman couldn't stop laughing during the segment about the theft. It was funny to watch.
  • fani, on 10/11/2007, -0/+3This makes it to front page on digg... THIS !!!!!

    Jeez...

  • thumbup, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2I really want to poo poo but what a pity we're out of paper.
  • check1check2, on 10/11/2007, -1/+0this is awesome, I wonder if butt's is a smoker? "wanna smoke butt?" lol
  • MadDigger2007, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2It must have been John Wayne Toilet Paper, it don't take ***** off of anyone.
  • gallyjh, on 10/11/2007, -0/+2Sounds like a case for Assy McGee...
  • Avalontor, on 10/11/2007, -2/+2And yes the true average age of Apple Fanboys has been revealed in this thread.
  • caution, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2this isn't funny

    during a very long trip through TN in the wee hours of the morning due to a military reassignment (we move often) I stopped at a rest stop.

    knowing I had several hundred more miles to go and regretting the pulled pork bbq I had for dinner, i took a roll of TP from the rest stop bathroom "just in case" things didn't work out too well for the rest of my trip

    a law enforcement officer observed me walking back to my vehicle with the TP and went into felony stop mode

    after being patted down, he retrieved my military ID and decided not to cuff me

    it was clear he was using the TP "theft" to look for other charges and perhaps search my vehicle

    i think the only reason I wasn't charged was because this was right after Gulf 1 and that whole patriotic haze was in effect

    he took the TP back and sent me on my way with a verbal warning

    i've avoided TN ever since.....
  • l34NDl20, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1I bet if she had another name they would've never charged her.
  • jacekpoplawski, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1In Poland toilet paper was a luxury before 1989.
    And I am serious.
    People were really happy when they were able to buy one.
  • tim620, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1Too funny...
  • funkytommyman, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1More time than Paris did
  • JohnnyXmas, on 10/11/2007, -0/+0FINALLY: A Digg headline that's funny AND perfectly appropriate for the article.
  • FallenOmen, on 10/11/2007, -1/+1"She's facing potentially three years of incarceration for three rolls of toilet paper,"

    Come on, thats the most craziest thing i have ever heard.............Even if she had been doing it all a long, nobody had saw here take the missing rolls !

    "Butts, 38, was caught last week after an employee saw her taking three rolls of two-ply tissue from a storage closet"

    Seriously were they putting someone on toilet paper watch ? Is there a LAW in place on recycled toilet paper theft ? Come on, whats next she was a potential paper roll terrorist ?
  • hasslinthehoff, on 10/11/2007, -0/+0Do they really need to send her ass to jail for stealing toilet paper? Call me crazy, but perhaps they should just haul her butt down to the women's bathroom and force her to clean it instead of taking up cell space that could have gone to a violent criminal. I'd say having to borax an entire women's bathroom would be punishment enough and make her think twice about doing it again.

    Our justice system is devoid of any semblance of imagination... or justice.
  • EPH99, on 10/11/2007, -0/+1In a related story, bidets accross the country continue their month long strike... more as this story continues to unfold.
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