theonion.com — Calling current population levels "wildly unsustainable," rangers from the Federal Bureau of Celebrity Conservation announced this week their plan to eliminate some 1,200 celebrities from the Hollywood region.
Aug 19, 2010 View in Crawl 4
digital0verdoseAug 20, 2010
Drastic times call for drastic measures. Just make is quick and painless... except for the Pratt Brats, Hiltons, Lohans and faux tan tards.
themachine1Aug 20, 2010
I would start by liquidating everyone on reality TV.
Closed AccountAug 20, 2010
They could even make a reality TV show out of it!! ;)
dlan4327Aug 20, 2010
I want to see you on fire.
scarletsdaddyAug 20, 2010
It would be like wipe out but in a meat processing plant. Instead of falling in water it would be a meat grinder and blades flying around everywhere. And the first episode could be the jersey shore edition.
bloodwineAug 20, 2010
It would reduce smug levels for sure. I look forward to a day where there are far fewer smug clouds in the skies.
hardeep1singhAug 20, 2010
You're a little bit off there. They are targeting celebrities not Apple customers.
mrcacaAug 20, 2010
This account has been closed by the user
antdudeAug 20, 2010
It has to be true. :(
ranoldAug 20, 2010
Easy and quick solution: Arizona Bay
caffienemanAug 20, 2010
well you got to do what you got to do
cubswillwinAug 20, 2010
Why the hell couldn't this be real? The Onion is fooling me way too much these days.
727super27Aug 20, 2010
First stop, Jersey Shore. KILL IT WITH FIRE.
mrdimnAug 20, 2010
Leave the Jersey Shore alone... just kill the people on the show.
Not everybody from New Jersey is like that. Besides, most of the people on the show are from NY.
Have at it.
bracomadarAug 20, 2010
I heard two rangers were killed trying to hunt down Clint Eastwood. Apparently they were on his lawn and everyone knows that Clint is very territorial about protecting his lawn.
citizenplusplusAug 20, 2010
Global population needs to be reduced to 1 - 2 billion max with world wide access to contraception and eduction and EU standards of living. Population growth is as unsustainable as the American lifestyle which uses 9 times the energy as the average Europeans for considerable less benefit. Comment is buried, click here to see the rest.
nerkidnerAug 20, 2010
Thank you Buzz Killington
warlok480Aug 20, 2010
yeah heres the thing about that....population is the elephant in the room during the climate change debate. Whats worse, people propose Australia or Sweeden or Canada do things like have 1 (or no) children or eat bugs or pay fines if they dare 'consume resources' -- mean while theres a woman in a hut in Sierra Leon or Pakistan popping out 15 kids, or a guy in indonesia burning whole forests down to clear the way for a new plantation.
What we need is to clamp down on out of control population growth in countries that can't sustain it. Thats the first step.
Closed AccountAug 20, 2010
The problem is that each person in the developed nations consumes a hugely disproportionate amount of natural resources compared to each person in a third-world country. So a 500,000 (for example) drop in the population of the US or Canada is going to have a much larger impact on world resource consumption than that same population drop in Ghana.
nextwiggin4Aug 20, 2010
Yeah! That's such a great idea! All those light skinned English speakers who consume massive amounts of oil aren't the problem! It's those dark skinned foreigners!
Do you even read what you write before posting it?
I got an idea, how about we fix our problems before imposing population control on people who we have absolutely no authority over? I mean, if it's such a good idea for them, why not do it ourselves first? Just saying.Comment is buried, click here to see the rest.
doctechnicalAug 20, 2010
Human overpopulation is a myth. There are two sure indicators of overpopulation in a species: pestilence and famine. Neither of these are threatening humanity (what famine we do have is generally people with guns keeping food from people who don't have guns).
And tell your buddy Paul Ehrlich he's still full of s**t.
drdragunAug 20, 2010
Somewhere one unlucky ranger has been tasked with clearing out the set of the Expendables 2
alcimedesAug 20, 2010
Now that would be a great reality TV show. users get to vote who can't be on TV or a newspaper for 2 years.
whoever wins gets a lame 30 min. self named TV show for a season.
daweedwizard420Aug 20, 2010
Ugh, a new low for Hollywood. Was hoping this was an Onion article at first. buried.
bam22Aug 20, 2010
So does that mean Arnold Schwarzenegger is fair game too?!?!?
mixeaoAug 20, 2010
he's terminated
causalitymemeAug 20, 2010
Um, yeah ... good luck wit 'dat. He'll be bach.
sarcasm3000Aug 20, 2010
You can't kill the bear, just it's cubs.
mrdimnAug 20, 2010
I was with MrCaca... I knew it had to be the Onion.
I completely agree with eliminating all of the reality "stars" - but the truth that everyone has to agree with first...
kill the PRODUCERS of the shows. They're the ones that keep coming up with new shows or finding people to
put on their existing shows.
dlan4327Aug 20, 2010
The Onion? Strange, this time it seemed so plausible.
cobraclutchAug 20, 2010
Obvious onion is obvious.
pabstyloudmouthAug 20, 2010
Start with Beiber on fire, and then lets starve Shanon Dougherty, make Oprah run a marathon and Harry Potter in a blender. Bet the ratings woud be awesome!
avianeddyAug 20, 2010
Let's start the nominations!
Ok I'll begin with:
• Lindsay
ubitendoAug 20, 2010
Lets kill the TMZ and those papparazzi f**ks first.
swampswingAug 20, 2010
I wish I could digg you twice. I hate TMZ and the parasites employed by them. They're on CTV after the Colbert Report, and I sometimes catch a few minutes of it if I can't find the remote. They sum up everything in my mind thats wrong with the world. Hey lets stalk some dude who acts in movies and pretend he/she is actually important, when they is actually important and interesting stuff going on the world.
alcimedesAug 20, 2010
Ha ha, how about "Survivor, Celebs vs. Papparazzi"
djnikadeemasAug 20, 2010
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!
doctechnicalAug 20, 2010
Kill the problem at the source: get rid of television.
swampswingAug 20, 2010
To bad its the Onion. This would have been the first good news all summer.
sylxAug 23, 2010
Flawed plan. You couldn't make enough of a dent if you went with just celebrities. Go to major metropolitan area on the other hand....
/ducks