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- zyl0x, on 10/11/2007, -3/+236A wave of Zombie survival manuals have popped up recently, this blog included, telling people what they should do during an outbreak of zombies. Thing is, nobody’s talking about what people shouldn’t do during a zombie outbreak.
Fortunately for you, our Zombiephile has scoured popular zombie movies and has isolated the Ten WORST Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak. Sit back, enjoy, and take notes, Zombiephiles.
Ten WORST Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
10) Don’t set zombies on fire. Burning zombies smell terrible.
zombies-dont-burn-them
We’re not sure why you see it in every zombie movie, but it stands to reason that the only thing worse than a zombie is a flaming zombie. Remember, it can take a long time for a zombie to burn to death - more than ten minutes, in some recorded cases. Do you really want a burning zombie lighting you and your friends on fire? Play it safe - chances are good that there won’t be any fire-fighting infrastructure during a zombie outbreak if things get out of hand.
9) Don’t get sentimental. Zombies won’t.
zombies-dont-get-sentimental
Sure, it’s your house. Sure, they were your family and friends. But now it’s a zombie nest, and they’re zombies. Stick around, and your best chance is to become zombie food - worst case, you’ll end up a zombie like the rest. Zombies don’t have any feelings - neither should you.
8) Don’t forget to shut the door behind you. Zombies often arrive without calling first.
zombies-lock-the-door
Were you born in a barn? Zombies might not be the brightest, but they know an open door when they see one. Keep your suburban zombie fortress secure by remembering to close and lock the door behind you. And don’t slam it either! Zombies hate that.
7) Don’t keep zombies in the basement. Even if they are your zombie family.
zombies-not-in-the-basement
Devotion to family and friends is touching. However, you don’t want them to be touching you, after they’re dead. Do yourself a favor and make sure you put zombie friends and family down properly. Remember, there is no zombie cure, and keeping them around only prolongs their suffering and increases the risk for everyone. Besides, do you really want to get eaten by your buddies?
6) Don’t try to reunite with friends / family over long distances.
zombies-dont-try-to-travel
Seems like a great idea, doesn’t it? That’s what everyone thinks. Look, do the math. If you leave your house at noon, heading toward your mum’s, traveling 3 km per hour, and a crowd of zombies leaves the general vicinity of your mum’s at the same time, heading toward you at 1 km per hour, what time will you get eaten by zombies? Skip the math and consult rule #9.
5) Don’t go down. Zombies can go down too.
zombies-dont-go-down
Zombies can’t climb. You can. In light of this, why would you ever choose to go down, rather than up? Stay out of basements, gullies, sewers, and anyplace else that zombies might unwittingly wander / fall into and be unable to get out of. Remember, it’s unlikely that a human would be in a sewer, but zombies don’t care a whit about the smell.
4) Don’t broadcast your presence. Zombies may be listening.
zombies-dont-broadcast-yourself
Zombies that still retain their ears have been statistically shown to have above-average recognition of bassline frequencies. If you absolutely must blast music while killing zombies, do it on your Ipod, and you might want to consider delaying that block party until after the zombie outbreak blows over. During a zombie outbreak, remember to turn your cell phone to vibrate - it’s only polite.
3) Don’t stand in front of the window. That’s just foolish.
zombies-avoid-the-window
You’d think this one didn’t require stating, but apparently it does. Windows are an aesthetic defense against the environment, not protection against zombies and the living dead. Once you find your fortress, barricade the windows as quickly as possible and stay the hell away from them. Whatever you do, don’t deliver speeches with your back to them.
2) Don’t get too creative with zombie defense.
zombies-dont-get-creative
Sure, chainsaw slits in your van seemed like a good idea at the time, before you filled your car with fumes and exhaust, passed out at the wheel and got yourself sawed in half. The temptation to get very creative with zombie dispatching can seem almost unbearable at times, but when it comes to killing zombies, that old adage applies: Keep it simple, stupid!
1) Don’t be “that one *****,” in your group.
zombies-that-one-*****-01
Textual analysis of zombie movies has proven that “that one *****,” a character ubiquitous in zombie and survival horror movies, only stands a 4.32% chance of surviving until the end of the movie.
Later studies have challenged that figure, citing several movies in which “that one *****” was one-upped by “the other, bigger *****,” who then assumed “that one *****” status.
zombies-that-one-*****-02
What do these figures mean? Being nice matters. To dramatically increase your chances of survival, make sure you always have “that one *****” traveling in your party with you, otherwise you might end up playing the role of “that weak douchebag,” a similarly ill-fated character.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you believe you are already “that one *****,” you should immediately leave your group. You might be able to pass as “that Kevin Costner anti-hero” if you’re traveling solo. - HeatVision, on 10/11/2007, -1/+115Just my luck.
Not only am I in the middle of a zombie outbreak, but the site is down. I guess I'll keep throwing garlic at them...or wait, that's vampires...oh man, I could sure use this guide right about now. - zephc, on 10/11/2007, -1/+80I'm gonna call you "Money", because you got the cache!
/ducks - Theipolicy, on 10/11/2007, -4/+7111: Make your site temporarily unavailable?
- kavinat0r, on 10/11/2007, -1/+63just what ive been looking for..
- j4son, on 10/11/2007, -0/+48Helpful in any situation, really.
- o0adam0o, on 10/11/2007, -1/+40Also, no matter how hot they were as humans...do not attempt to take advantage of the ZombiesChicks that were HOT normal girls....NO MATTER HOW HOT THEY WERE!
- inactive, on 10/11/2007, -1/+38avoid apple stores too, history has proven zombies are drawn to them
- zephod42, on 10/11/2007, -1/+31I need just one more copy+paste version of the list... just one more...
- Phocion55, on 10/11/2007, -0/+27Evidently the zombies staged a coordinated tactical attack on the web server. They're getting smarter!
- RadicalEdward, on 10/11/2007, -1/+2633 diggs + 1 comment = 503
- tehpwnrate, on 10/11/2007, -1/+23I'll sum it up for you:
Head down into the basement, don't worry about your windows, come up with a complicated defense involving some sort of gas-powered device in your basement, and make sure to not kill any zombies you recognize! - Toshibi, on 10/11/2007, -1/+23http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ynXBMgLEbM [Danger 50,000 Volts]
All you need to know. - trer, on 10/11/2007, -3/+25And after 31 diggs, this site is officially a zombie itself.
- theseaweedking, on 10/11/2007, -0/+21It's a trap!
- zephc, on 10/11/2007, -0/+20The server is rebooting now -> http://www.heydon.org/kevan/collection/pictures/acorn-acw-large.jpg
- HeatVision, on 10/11/2007, -0/+17Crap.
All I have is a gas-powered wine-corker. - Tippis, on 10/11/2007, -1/+18Use a lawnmower...
- LunaticFringe, on 10/11/2007, -3/+18Digg.com, killing websites daily like a bandwidth hand-grenade.
- HeatVision, on 10/11/2007, -0/+15Why would I want to mow my lawn at a time like this?!?!
They're getting closer! AHHH! SOMEBODY CALL 411! - MacMan88, on 10/11/2007, -0/+15iAgree.
- DarthTurducken, on 10/11/2007, -0/+13Except when it appears on Digg and then crashes. What if zombies are attacking NOW?!
- centralohioguy, on 10/11/2007, -0/+13Don't try to maintain your job duties as a crossing guard. Not only will the zombies not obey your orders, but they'll chew your face off. Just my input.
- speedk0re, on 10/11/2007, -0/+12google cache
http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:weuIexKo03oJ:www.zombiephiles.com/eat-my-brains/zombie-outbreak-ten-worst-things-to-do/+http://www.zombiephiles.com/eat-my-brains/zombie-outbreak-ten-worst-things-to-do/&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=us - Katana314, on 10/11/2007, -0/+11Cool. Only problem is, now we can't see the neat pictures. (there was a Shaun of the Dead one on 'lock the door')
- zzarx, on 10/11/2007, -3/+13This is serious.
- wendelgee2, on 10/11/2007, -1/+11Seriously...is this hosted on your Apple IIe?
- Navicerts, on 10/11/2007, -2/+11Do you realize that even though most of the people don't actually digg the story the number of diggs when the server goes down can still be compared to the countless other stories that have hit the front page?...... Or are you really that dumb?
In algebra, a ratio is the relationship between two quantities (Diggs vs Hits). It is expressed as the quotient of two numbers, or as two numbers separated by a colon (pronounced "to"). A number that can be written as a ratio of two integers is a rational number. - TyphoidTimmy, on 10/11/2007, -0/+8Additional tips based on waaaaaaayyyyy too many bull sessions with friends over kegs
11. Keep your head low
-Half the idiots out there can't shoot for ***** and will more than likely blast first and ask questions later because guns=safety. Imagine your neighborhood and know that 80% of them are equal or greater to Elmer Fudd shooting abilities. Know where people are before they know where you are first or better yet, just avoid them unless you like to think your end came as Zombie chow thanks to Ward Cleaver gutshooting you with his brand new shotgun.
12.Pick your hold up place a little differently than everyone else.
-Where will all the zombie fighters think of thanks to movies....hmm. Mall? Stay the ***** away from Mall's...too many people = a large enclosed buffet. Also Wal Marts, supermarkets, etc are probably no-no's. If you got to go, scope the place out first with a pair of binocs and a roof and assess the situation before you get stuck there.
If you do want to a hold, think differently. Rent a Storage places (well fenced, self contained, sometimes self powered, and usually abundant enough different types of good tools, camping supplies, sometimes guns) are what you should look for.
13.Set yourself up with secondary storage's.
-Collect your stores and vitals and set up secondary nests. Who knows what you will encounter and a new hold with some supplies could be needed. Keep your stores hidden and out of the way..put them in an attic or someplace where looters may not look.
14. Always assess the situation.
-Don't expect ANY help and regard everyone with suspicion. That cute hot girl you rescued may slit your throat for your gun and food in the night. Those soldiers went section 8 and basically kill anything in their path, living or dead. Your neighbor murdered his kids last night and thinks its his job to 'save everyone from sin' with a bullet. Meet with people on YOUR terms only.
15.Stamina will save you
-Do some exercise, stupid. push ups, sit ups, run in place (quietly)....build your body for the long haul. Eat small and train your body for the ability to live off small and run for a while. Cheetos may last for a while but don't be stuffing 32 bags in your gut a week then expect to be able to dodge and outwit the hordes of zombies looking at your orange stained ass as anything but a 280 pound Butterball Turkey. You need to survive, not baste yourself for a future zombie meal, thunder gut. - TDot1980, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7A proud day for you and your family!
- MisterKen, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7Where can we monitor our Zombie Threat Level?
Last I read it was purple, but heard today was upgraded to ashen gray. - LordSkywalker, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7It's obvious. People think it sounds like a good article. It's down, so they'll digg it, using it as a bookmark so they can come back to check it out later.
- SGT.SHIZZO, on 10/11/2007, -0/+711. Don't vote for zombies. They will groan and mumble just like regular politicians, but won't get nearly as much accomplished... or will they??
- eshiki, on 10/11/2007, -0/+7Most people really are that dumb... do you even have to ask...?
- Urusai, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6#0: Don't split up your group in hostile territory. This applies to serial killer outbreaks as well. Studies show that people who split up will end up standing like an idiot, waving their flashlight in the middle of a dark room or forest clearing at the one spot in said location that doesn't actually have any zombies.
- CerMakAlot, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6If anyone has friends who have fallen victim to the zombie facebook app, let it be known that i'm developing a shotgun app to combat the undead threat.
- dodus, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6Because the phenomenon of zombies and its artistic expression in various media offer humanity insight into the transient nature of the universe, duh.
- Myonosken, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6Don't get creative. Keep it simple stupid!
- LordSkywalker, on 10/11/2007, -0/+611: Ignore them, assuming it's just another one of those flash mobs.
- novusopiate, on 10/11/2007, -3/+8And now Im supposed to wait for the site to come back up while the zombies could be around every corner?
- uwjames, on 10/11/2007, -0/+4Why can't they teach practical stuff like this in school?
- uwjames, on 10/11/2007, -0/+4in case of zombie babe:
Step 1: decaptitate
Step 2: enjoy! - datastorageguy, on 10/11/2007, -1/+5Lets hope the CDC doesn't host their "zombie warnings and tips" with the same provider you did.
- rderveloy, on 10/11/2007, -1/+5Site is down. Anyone have a mirror?
- inactive, on 10/11/2007, -0/+412: Make sure your state/province isn't called Raccoon City, and if it is get out of there as faster as you can and if it is too late I hope you aren't an Star member AND if you are don't go to the police station ;)
- drakenlot, on 10/11/2007, -0/+4nope, I've seen one down after 4 diggs
- YourTechSupport, on 10/11/2007, -0/+4My favorites are 'Don't deliver speeches with your back turned towards the danger'.
And 'Don't be that one *****'. - GirthAgain, on 10/11/2007, -1/+5720 GO SUB 790: PRINT "DON'T KNOCK THE IIE ="
- annihilator675, on 10/11/2007, -0/+3But, but... dead girls dont say no!
- AlienX3.5, on 10/11/2007, -2/+5Mirror please!
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