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Near Misses: The 6 Worst Movies Hollywood Almost Made

cracked.com — You know how NASA occasionally comes out and announces an asteroid nearly missed Earth and you can't help but think about the disaster that was averted? Replace that asteroid with LL Cool J as Dolemite.

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  • rlray216, on 05/15/2008, -4/+20Just about anything would have been better than Land of the Dead.
    • eddielummox, on 05/15/2008, -1/+9Even "Land of the Dead: The Musical"?
      • unfinity, on 05/15/2008, -0/+3The best stage performance I've ever seen (and I've seen it 3 times) is Evil Dead: The Musical - http://www.evildeadthemusical.com
        • xXMetalJesusXx, on 05/15/2008, -0/+2Just saw it 2 weeks ago in Toronto...
          By far the best time I've had out in such a long time. I highly recommend it
    • xXMetalJesusXx, on 05/15/2008, -0/+4I can understand why people rag on Land of the Dead so much...but honestly, with the crap that has come out of horror the past few years, he certainly could have done worse. And for as bad as I found Land, Diary has given me faith in the zombie genre.
    • dOOBiEx213, on 05/15/2008, -2/+2Necessary comment abuse:
      I believe the time has come for Digg to implement a filter to prevent the submission of Cracked.com articles.
  • SmooveO, on 05/15/2008, -1/+12It's hard to imagine that there was a time in the not-so-distant past where LL Cool J was actually perceived as a star.
  • kjames00, on 05/15/2008, -2/+23Best quote from the article "we're actually not going to talk any s*** about the talk of casting Michael Jackson. It's a horror project and Michael Jackson is f****** terrifying. It's like chocolate and peanut butter meeting up for the first time or something."
    • SuperWinner, on 05/15/2008, -0/+5"Whatever you do, don't imagine those two *****" - I must admit, I did imagine... and I regret it
  • appletoapple, on 05/15/2008, -8/+25Rocky Horror Picture Show = pure awesome. Buried for trash talking this piece of cinematic gold.

    Oh yeah, and any movie starring Asia Argento can't be all bad.
    • alfal99, on 05/15/2008, -2/+3agreed. the writers don't get the appeal of RHPS.
    • dunnylovehun, on 05/15/2008, -3/+10I actually enjoy the movie but I think I enjoy it in a way that the original creators didn't intend it to be enjoyed ie ironically. Had irony even been invented back then?
      • H0tKarl, on 05/15/2008, -2/+20Nope, clothes just stayed wrinkled.
      • gothicform, on 05/15/2008, -0/+2Well the movie was made years and years after the original stageshow was a hit (and still running). They knew by then exactly what it was like. It was always written to be completely trashy and ironic fun, just few people expected it to be popular, let alone be one of the most successful movies ever adjusting for inflation (379 million dollars in real terms and counting in the USA and thats only up till 2002, thats not counting the additional money it has made since!).
      • Syphon8, on 05/15/2008, -0/+2I'm enjoying your comment ironically.
    • antiorblkflag9, on 05/15/2008, -0/+1I can't tell if they are being sarcastic about it sucking...Because it doesn't
  • ligyron, on 05/15/2008, -3/+1Keep scrolling
  • danzaman13, on 05/15/2008, -1/+32Near miss?!?!?! It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss! -George Carlin
    • mooseontheloose, on 05/15/2008, -8/+3Carlin, George is the correct way to cite that if you're doing Turabian style quotes.
    • STPZ, on 05/15/2008, -0/+2dammit i came all the way here to write that ....get out of my head!
      • MxM111, on 05/15/2008, -0/+2I know that I will get buried, but me too. Scary!
  • CptBuck, on 05/15/2008, -1/+10haha oh man, what about that movie where the entire script consisted of snakes invading an airplane?...oh wait...
  • H1tchh1k3r, on 05/15/2008, -3/+19Anyone forgetting Speed Rac... oh, wait
  • birkoph, on 05/15/2008, -18/+7Buried for not being funny and for being an article from cracked.com

    They need to hire funny writers. AND THUMBING THIS COMMENT DOWN WON'T MAKE CRACKED.COM SUCK ANY LESS!
    • AussieFox, on 05/15/2008, -1/+4No, but it means that I don't have to see your stupidity on my screen anymore
  • timbro1, on 05/15/2008, -1/+2move over hollywood, here comes bollywood!
  • mecharabbit, on 05/15/2008, -1/+25Steven Seagal would have been great as Ghengis Khan! Just like Jackie Chan would be great as Napolean.
  • ladyarcher85, on 05/15/2008, -1/+1FTA "Whatever you do, don't imagine those two *****" too late, when I read that I already did. And E.A. Poe is one of my favorite poets. Such a sad day.... Damn you Cracked!
  • antiorblkflag9, on 05/15/2008, -0/+3Jacko as Edgar Allen Poe might have ruined Poe to me forever
  • chaos7, on 05/15/2008, -0/+1dugg for Asia Argento
  • artemisn, on 05/15/2008, -0/+0Notice how in "Werewolf in a Women's Prison" he rips the girl in half THROUGH the bar. But the nudity is censored.

    Looks so bad, I'd probably buy tickets.
  • gothicform, on 05/15/2008, -0/+1Perhaps Chuck Norris could do Hitler and kick Russian arse, how about the Hoff as Martin Luther King leading a gospel choir with Hot Shot City as he inspires the civil rights movement in church with another firey sermon. The possibilities of bad casting in celeb vanity projects are endless and I feel Seagal as Ghengis Khan is certainly no worse than John Wayne, Kevin Costner as Robin Hood or Julia Roberts in my as yet unproduced filmpitch about Mother Teresa.
  • TheZorch, on 05/15/2008, -2/+5Worst movie ever made: I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
  • thinkhrdr, on 05/15/2008, -0/+1Mongol comes out in U.S. theaters June 6th, and it looks like it might be pretty @#$% cool. Here's a link to the site and a trailer in English, though I believe the movie may be sub-titled.__ http://www.mongolmovie.com/
  • keithc01, on 05/15/2008, -2/+1***** that list, you "no-business, born-insecure, jock-jawed motha-*****!"
  • Llanowar, on 05/15/2008, -3/+2So, NASA occasionally comes out to tell that an asteroid NEARLY missed earth...

    I didn't know we have had any asteroid hits in recent times.
  • vurdillac, on 05/15/2008, -2/+0Who the hell is Richard Hartley and why is he getting credited for writing the music for Rocky Horror?
  • underwise, on 05/15/2008, -0/+3but, they are making this http://www.apple.com/trailers/disney/beverlyhillsc ...
  • garywilliams, on 05/15/2008, -1/+0"...Replace that asteroid with LL Cool J as Dolemite."
    ? Never heard of them.
  • SpencerMc, on 05/15/2008, -0/+3Ok, I see no way Steven Seagal as Ghangis Khan could be anything short of a land mark in cinematic achievement. Just sayin'.
    • SpencerMc, on 05/15/2008, -0/+2In fact, ***** it. Most of these sound like celluloid gold.
    • NeedlerFanPudge, on 05/16/2008, -0/+2I would personally help finance Steven Seagal as Genghis Khan. Could you imagine him acting like the general with his Asian family all around him, and then using his legendary kung-fu abilities too conquer nations. My life would be complete.
  • Jonttu, on 05/15/2008, -1/+1Dugg for: "Whatever you do, don't imagine those two *****"
  • ninjateddy04, on 05/16/2008, -1/+0Land of the dead was AWESOME! lol. i think ultraviolet was also one of the worst movies ive seen.
  • Sylocat, on 09/17/2008, -0/+0A movie about a zombie rock band actually sounds pretty kickass to me.
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