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5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity

cracked.com — When a kung fu superstar battles his way to the top of Badass Mountain, something often happens--something terrible and difficult to watch. These are the men who fell from awesome to ridiculous with horrifying speed.

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  • wjuk, on 01/22/2008, -5/+34Cracked = awesome.
    • NgrHader, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1#1 didn't want to load up for me for some reason, I kept getting a 404 You're Life is Over Error
    • fuzzboxer, on 01/22/2008, -7/+2Cracked = Lame
    • calon9, on 01/22/2008, -0/+7Ahhh, cracked and digg. They go together like peanut butter and a peanut butter jar.
  • Georgery, on 01/22/2008, -0/+12I never thought Stephen Segal could be cool, but hell, next thing I'm doing is going to the video store and hiring out "Out For Justice".
    • stonedgeek, on 01/23/2008, -0/+1Unfortunately, the movie as a whole is not very cool.
  • SpikeLee, on 01/22/2008, -1/+62You guys wanna know what killed Kung Fu stars? Jackie Chan.

    The guy actually had charisma.
    • bigbadgoat, on 01/22/2008, -0/+21Agreed. He made the rest look like fools.
    • kingmanic, on 01/22/2008, -1/+8Well, when you have a childhood that consisted of a old guy in funny cloths beating the ***** out of you till you and 12 other little guys until you learned kung fu... and opera. You'd either be hilarious and athletically bad ass or a emotional cripple unable to deal with the non sequitur of an opera that required kung fu.. Bruce lee had a similar upbringing.
    • MindTrigger, on 01/22/2008, -3/+1While I like Chan, his movies always felt more like stunt man showcases than martial arts films. And yes, I know he does most of his own stunts, which is why I give him mad respect.
    • ICSU, on 01/22/2008, -2/+3Jet Li is awesome too.
    • zenerdiode, on 01/22/2008, -0/+8And you know who put the final nail in the coffin?

      Woo-ping Yuen

      Martial arts director for Matrix, Crouching Tiger, Iron Monkey, Kill Bill...

      Sure it's wirefu, but I mean he ALMOST made Keanu Reeves a badass. That's impressive.
  • n8r0n, on 01/22/2008, -2/+2dugg for "Badass Mountain".
  • anderzole, on 01/22/2008, -0/+9"I'm just the cheff"
  • Stradenko, on 01/22/2008, -10/+4Buried as inaccurate. Seagal's "Girl It's Alright" was from Crystal Cave, not Mojo Priest...and Crystal Cave is not blues (Mojo Priest, however, is).
    • sekhui, on 01/22/2008, -1/+8i'm sure all three of you that actually care caught the mistake.
    • rstarr, on 01/22/2008, -0/+15Dugg down for actually knowing that and then being so elitist about Steven Segal music that you called them on it.
    • djpants428, on 01/22/2008, -1/+6You listen to Steven Seagal? You actually own a Steven Seagal CD? More than one?
    • Chiko, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1Did anyone notice how bad Seagal is at playing guitar? He plays with the same technique at my little sister. haha
    • Georgery, on 01/24/2008, -0/+1Enjoy your miserable, pedantic life.
  • entrophize, on 01/22/2008, -4/+30I always thought it was funny how Stephen Segal movies were all 3 syllables.

    Marked for Death
    Under Siege
    Hard to Kill
    Exit Wounds
    Half Past Dead
    • daven1986, on 01/22/2008, -3/+8out for justice? it was the one in the article.....you clearly didn't or can't read.

      you just jealous that he can kick your ass?
      • entrophize, on 01/22/2008, -4/+5If I couldn't read, how could I type that comment you ***** idiot?
    • ninsei, on 01/22/2008, -0/+5His audience lost interest after 3 syllables. The names are representative of what to expect from the dialogue.
    • ronaldinho, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1Unsurprisingly, even his CDs, "Mojo Priest" and "Crystal Cave", are three 3yllables

      Though if he breaks my elbows, it probably would be only one syllable
  • icegoddess13, on 01/22/2008, -1/+5Wow, in a couple of those pics I mistook Michael Dudikoff for Ben Browder (from Stargate and Farscape). I'm sorry, Ben...
  • santiago1, on 01/22/2008, -1/+7 How about the Landlady from Kung Fu Hustle?
  • 15thPD, on 01/22/2008, -2/+15I can't believe Van Damme's boner hasn't been mentioned yet. He literally popped a boner on stage, and another guy on stage pointed and laughed.
    • Waiting2awake, on 01/22/2008, -2/+3Ya, you know there is a therapy session for you. Almost like crying and mowing the lawn.
    • MindTrigger, on 01/22/2008, -0/+11Yeah, because we all want to break out in discussion about *****.....
    • Culero, on 01/22/2008, -1/+1fta!
  • IHaveIssues, on 01/22/2008, -2/+24Chuck Norris' Pathetic Moment is this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pnFg0Sp2Xw
    • smacksaw, on 01/22/2008, -1/+6Yeah it sucks all of those people made him out to be "cool"...he hangs out with Mike Huckabee, a man whose son he would kick if it wasn't Huck's kid...he does infomercials for exercise equipment "Wow, we let them have it for that long and that cheap? Really?" Either *****, or it's why his movies suck so bad. He really doesn't read scripts.

      Or we can just point to any episode of Walker, Texas Ranger...ESPECIALLY the ones where the time-travels to the wild west. ***** that guy.
    • airencracken, on 01/22/2008, -0/+4Quite so.
    • ICSU, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1That may as well be the first video with 1 star at youtube.
      It deserves zero though.
  • manicallday, on 01/22/2008, -1/+5Sho Nuff is still the man.
  • neio, on 01/22/2008, -3/+10Van Damme was a pussy even when he was good.
  • Grimdotdotdot, on 01/22/2008, -6/+1Chuck Norris is going to kick some ass after reading that.
  • dunnylovehun, on 01/22/2008, -2/+12I also like how almost all of Seagal's movies can be prefixed with the phrase "Steven Seagal is..." and make him sound awesome.
    Steven Seagal IS Marked for Death
    Steven Seagal IS Above the Law
    Steven Seagal IS Hard to Kill
    Steven Seagal IS Under Seige
    Ok you get the point. Exit Wounds is the only one I'm aware of that doesn't work. Even the ones you've never heard of like Submerged and Shadow Man work. One of his upcoming on iMDB is called Prince of Pistols, which might be the most ridiculous example of this phenomenon to date. Especially since his last name is Prince in the movie.
    • Jonjonr6, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1But, for some reason, this fits just fine...
      Steven Segal IS Fire Down Below
  • newbill123, on 01/22/2008, -17/+1They left out Arnold Schwarzenegger. Most kick-ass was in Terminator. Most pathetic was being elected governor of California (well, pathetic of the electorate).
    • Price, on 01/22/2008, -0/+3So basically it wasn't really pathetic of him, which means they didn't actually leave him out, ergo your comment was pretty much pointless. GJ
  • Emperial, on 01/22/2008, -5/+2This gets a Digg for Chuck Norris..... He's going to take the internet down after reading this... be prepared "although it won't help any"
  • smacksaw, on 01/22/2008, -0/+3What was it...Executive Decision that Seagal was in? He dies before he can do anything cool, but that's about right to me. None of these guys can carry a movie anymore. It's all direct-to-video crap. But if they'd swallow their pride a bit and do a Delta Force type of movie I think they would all get actual theatre releases AND make some money. Van Damme was in Universal Soldier, which was actually pretty cool. But he had Dolph Lundgren opposite him.

    Seeing Van Damme and Seagal would be like ABBA, The Smiths, etc getting back together for martial arts film fans. Neither of these guys are ever going to do dick by themselves ever again. And I certainly don't want to see them starring in a film. But I could buy them as co-stars.
    • MindTrigger, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1I don't know man. Van Damme *might* be able to pull off another movie, but the rest of them are just geriatric at this point. What we need is some new blood in martial arts. Not that I have even begun to grow tired of watching Jet Li or Tony Jaa, but I would like to see something new.
  • pheedback, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1What about Sasha Mitchell? You might remember him from Step By Step. He wasnt a superstar but he was an actor who was known for his martial arts ability.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sasha_Mitchell
    • MindTrigger, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1No picture on Wikipedia? He didn't really exist.
    • Jonjonr6, on 01/22/2008, -0/+0I've seen one of his movies. It was not very good, but killed a couple hours on a Sunday afternoon. And after a few beers, you won't care much about the quality of the movie.
      They should sell beer in theaters!
    • iwantamonkey, on 01/29/2008, -0/+1Sasha Mitchell, the guy who has been arrested for beating his wife? That guy?
  • Waiting2awake, on 01/22/2008, -1/+1Come on what about Ralph Mouth...errrr...Macheioo(sp?) the Karate
    • MindTrigger, on 01/22/2008, -0/+6Nah, he had the dignity to fall off the face of the earth after raking in a ***** of money in those movies.
  • mbelrose, on 01/22/2008, -1/+6Please, oh merciless gods of movie violence, spare Summer Glau from this fate.
    • Jonjonr6, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1Did you know she's like 27? Looks 10 years younger.
  • Brianguy2000, on 01/22/2008, -0/+5The 80s still live on in my dreams... and dvd collection.
  • MindTrigger, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1OK. Just when I thought i was done reading *anything* about Chuck Norris, I go and read this article and find myself laughing my ass off. Yes, he's just about as big a douche as any old man can be these days, but his past is undeniably awesome.
    This article made me want to go rent every movie in the martial arts genre.
  • Exclip, on 01/22/2008, -0/+1Steven Seagal movies also have a gun on every box art, although i think there was just one where it didn't, don't remember which one though
  • jordanau, on 01/22/2008, -3/+2Dude, Chuck's moment was not pathetic. I would like to see one of you stare down a grizzly bear.
  • ronaldinho, on 01/22/2008, -0/+2"Then, to everybody's amazement, you watched as he flipped men around his head by the dozens to a soundtrack of bones snapping so fast and in such numbers, it was like setting off Chinese firecrackers in a bowl of Rice Krispies."

    Damn, that was brilliant. Dugg
  • lukeduke, on 01/22/2008, -1/+3Does Chris Farley in the 3 Ninjas not count?
  • thecarpe, on 01/22/2008, -1/+0What about Ernie Reyes Jr and Ralph Machio
  • TwwIX, on 01/22/2008, -1/+1lol at the dog walking away from the camera in David Carradine's dildo swinging video.
    Wtf is he swinging in that video anyway?
  • damnclem, on 01/22/2008, -5/+1***** your daily top lists cracked. I'm tired of every ***** list you guys making being on the front page.

    Also, the only actual martial artist on your list was Chuck. The rest of those douche bags are actors who were taught how to kick over their heads for those movies. You should probably watch a decent martial artist before claiming that Steven Segal counts as one.
    • Georgery, on 01/24/2008, -0/+1Considering they all make the front page, apparently the rest of the internet ISN'T sick of it.
  • lalanis, on 01/23/2008, -0/+2"If you look up the term Ass Kicker in the dictionary, there will be a picture of nothing--because it's a ***** dictionary, they don't have pictures--but we swear to God the page smells a little bit like Michael Dudikoff."
  • KyuriousHype, on 01/25/2008, -0/+0Cracked: You rock... You rock hard, you rock long.
    David Carradine: Your little piece of rubber hose is the most bogus thing ever. You should sell "practice katanas": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m47NiCAfLLg
    And look, Carradine, you were only chosen to play Bill in Kill Bill becuase you're an old guy with an interesting voice from a retro TV show... Hell Leonard Nemoy might've been better than you. Shatner? Anyone?
  •  

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