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25 Pieces of Movie Merchandise Too Awesome To Exist

cracked.com — Between those sad plastic light sabers and the even sadder Vote for Pedro shirts, the movie merchandise industry clearly doesn't try very hard. Here are 25 tie-in products that we'd buy if only Hollywood had the balls to make them.

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  • SmooveO, on 03/01/2008, -4/+27There's always that one item that takes it to the next level... piss drinking machine... done and done.
  • Osuperman, on 03/01/2008, -18/+11Saw this list on cracked and thought "what a load of *****, that'll never turn up on digg."... oh well, wrong again...
    • KaiUno, on 03/01/2008, -4/+3And then you thought "oh well, I'll just post a stupid remark about it and get dugg up, that'll even things out for me"... oh well....
    • saisumimen, on 03/02/2008, -1/+1Seriously, Cracked making its own content now? ugh. Please digg, allow users to block stories based on which domains they come from (cracked, destructoid, ebaumsworld, etc.)
  • zimmbear, on 03/01/2008, -4/+8I would like to see a Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct life size doll.
    "Recreate the scene you always wanted to see close up, IN REAL LIFE!" is what it should say
    • KaiUno, on 03/01/2008, -2/+2It'll probably come with a pretty sharp icepick.
  • poppacherry, on 03/01/2008, -3/+15...i thought my Philadelphia "AIDS in a box" idea would surely get in...
    • GlennLThompson, on 03/01/2008, -1/+4Why would anyone buy that? That can be had for free easily enough.
  • sjbdallas, on 03/01/2008, -1/+18I can't believe there wasn't some kind of Hannibal Lector cookbook or knife set.
    • qwertydvorak, on 03/01/2008, -0/+4we all know the recipe there, liver with some fava beans and a bottle of chianti.
  • Abrican, on 03/01/2008, -2/+76I want to digg it but its just a bunch of crappy photoshoped pictures....
    • ronaldinho, on 03/03/2008, -0/+1well it has to be......this are not real.

      Still dugg for the forgery kit (Catch Me If You Can) and the can of whup-ass (Bourne)
  • DigTheDoug, on 03/01/2008, -5/+14Aside from the first Raiders one, those all really sucked. Reminds me of Fark circa 2002.
  • toxicgonzo, on 03/01/2008, -0/+13They forgot the Spaceball's Flamethrower. The kids love it!
  • TannerPwnz, on 03/01/2008, -0/+14The force gloves looks like something I'd beg for as a kid. :)
  • Cronikeys, on 03/01/2008, -1/+5There's not a 24 drink already? Damn it!
    • dsmx, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2Damn it
      Damn it
      Damn it
      • Bersy, on 03/01/2008, -0/+0Dugg for not saying "I see what you did there"...
        • dsmx, on 03/02/2008, -0/+1That was for the people doing the 24 drinking game.
  • fwertz, on 03/01/2008, -1/+12Dugg for giant penis-sculptures.

    That movie is so weird.
  • cookingboy, on 03/01/2008, -0/+8Dugg for the Deer Hunter board game
  • nytel, on 03/01/2008, -2/+10The only thing that is worth anything is that Aliens blaster rifle so I can kill the person who made that post.
  • lukeydukey, on 03/01/2008, -1/+49Screw photoshop. The pics look more like they were microsoft painted
  • gannondork, on 03/01/2008, -0/+8Poor Vanilla, he never gets any love.
    • lolmax, on 03/02/2008, -0/+1I am the only person I know who owns his movie. I ask every person who comes over if they want to watch it and so far only one friend has agreed, and for that I am thankful. It's funny as hell one time through but i'll never watch it again unless I'm severely intoxicated by multiple substances
  • monkeyshines, on 03/01/2008, -10/+7I'm so glad the Piss Drinking Machine was on there, as it brings up just one more reason as to why Waterworld was one of the worst movies ever made. You've got a guy floating in the ocean and he's so desperate for water that he pees into a machine that filters his urine into drinkable water.
    If you've got a machine that can turn something like urine into fresh drinkable water.... pour the ***** ocean water into it! What a god damned idiot.
    • Lyianis, on 03/01/2008, -0/+8Urine does not have to be desalinized to be drinkable. Therefore its about 10 times easier to clean than seawater.
    • centran, on 03/01/2008, -0/+3Those crazy astronauts and nasa!!! At least they are not like survivalists who will drink their own urine straight without filtering it... and yes you can drink your own piss one or two times and be ok.
    • rootneg2, on 03/01/2008, -0/+3did you know that:

      Urine is sterile, you can drink it!

      this public service announcement brought to you by the Urine Council of America.
  • elizabethb221, on 03/01/2008, -0/+10I would seriously buy the Clockwork Orange penis.
    • rootneg2, on 03/01/2008, -0/+4The work is entitled "Rocking Machine" by Herman Makkink; and incidentally *not* designed specifically for the movie.

      You're in luck though; it looks like the artist is selling restored originals to the highest bidder:
      http://www.drencrom.com/salesframe.html
      something tells me it won't be cheap, however.
  • Sneezyx, on 03/01/2008, -2/+33Worst. Cracked. feature. ever.
    • maxlightz, on 03/01/2008, -0/+7Blame the Cracked users as that was all user submitted content
  • Shakermaker, on 03/01/2008, -0/+16Wow- there's some REALLY bad ones in there.
  • ZackS, on 03/01/2008, -1/+8So many unfunny ideas and poorly made photoshops...
    • artfiend77, on 03/01/2008, -0/+0Wow, this article made me angry. TERRIBLE photoshop, weak and forced ideas... Never again will I anxiously click on a link sending me to a Cracked "top 'X'" list again...
  • h4mx0r, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2Somehow I knew there was going to be an Aliens pulse rifle.
    Now all they need are some sharp sticks and harsh language.
  • mostlysane, on 03/01/2008, -1/+3bah - no imagination
    if I would have known about this in time, I would have done fear and loathing in las vegas
  • usingpond, on 03/01/2008, -0/+3Cracked.com is awesome for the articles, but terrible for the Photoshops. Just terrible executions, not even any of the ideas are good. The "winner" was so depressing. These people probably would have gotten probation on SA. Or maybe a gold thread for irony.
  • insomniac8400, on 03/01/2008, -0/+1The description makes you think your about to read about 25 GOOD ideas. The deer hunter game is the only one remotely funny or entertaining.
  • ronyu02, on 03/01/2008, -0/+3Hoverboards from Back to the Future II?
  • Kallius, on 03/01/2008, -2/+1Did someone remove all the pictures? BURIED for bait-and-switch.
  • angrynorwegian, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2does the cloverfield camera come with a built in vibrator?
  • bavetta, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2real whoop-ass energy drink: http://www.jonessoda.com/files/products-energy.php
  • cheez124, on 03/01/2008, -0/+1i loled at the clockwork orange sculpture
  • maxlightz, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2Dugg for Life-Sized Rasberry Gummi Zombie Victim and the little kid tearing it's neck out with his teeth - lol!
  • imnotsinister, on 03/01/2008, -0/+3This list was ever so disappointing. It had the potential to be so entertaining, but failed miserably. Buried.
  • textrant, on 03/01/2008, -1/+2There is a 24 energy drink. I'm holding a sample in my hand right now. See article at http://snackspot.org.uk/thread.php?story=071220174 ... I think its just UK though. HA.
    • booboolean, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2Jeez, as if that "joke" wasn't boring to begin with! At least the photoshopping was slightly better than the Borne Identity one. Someone needs to learn how to use text wrap effects.
  • rocketbox, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2The Rocking Machine from "A Clockwork Orange" is already available.

    http://www.magic-pony.com/product.php?id=1413&cate ...
  • choopie911, on 03/01/2008, -1/+2Those looked like crap, what the hell?
  • adooga, on 03/01/2008, -2/+2Oh joy, another meaningless list from cracked.com
    As a side note, if Kevin Costner could make a machine that turns piss into fresh water, couldn't he have made one that does the same for seawater?
  • rochskier, on 03/01/2008, -0/+1Their pulse rifle packaging sucks.
    Everyone knows the M41A Pulse Rifle fires a 10 millimeter explosive tip caseless, standard light armor piercing round.
    Duh.
  • WaltDismal, on 03/01/2008, -2/+1Ah, the Superman cape. I own a Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Flying Broomstick (lifesize toy).
    The package says: "CAUTION! Broom does not really fly."
    It should also say "Do not purchase if your name is not Captain Obvious".
  • zapperdude60, on 03/01/2008, -0/+1i love scanners
  • bungoman, on 03/01/2008, -1/+2This is the cancer ruining the internet.
  • CapitalIdea, on 03/01/2008, -0/+2does your country not have the 24 drink?
  • haastyle, on 03/02/2008, -0/+2http://www.cribcandy.com/list=sexy_times_at_home/c ...

    the penis from clockwork orange
  • Xondar, on 03/02/2008, -0/+1My favourite was the Clockwork Orange one.
  • Floral1, on 03/02/2008, -1/+0Hilarious! My favorites are the "Jason Bourne Can of Almighty Whup-Ass" and the "Cool As Ice Giant Sized Douchebag". Genius!
  • toomuchfreetime, on 03/02/2008, -0/+1Dugg only for the Piss-Drinking Machine.
  •  

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