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8 Diets That Will Make You Sh*t Your Pants

doubleviking.com — Have you ever come out of the bathroom and proclaimed to anyone listening that you feel ten pounds lighter? You may have had one of these popular diets to thank. Forget about eating right and exercising. The truth is that we’re all just full of crap.

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  • Tawney, on 05/21/2008, -11/+32So... some people would rather ***** uncontrollably for months than exercise and cut out the junk food? What a sad, sad world we live in.
    • iamronburgundy, on 05/21/2008, -2/+12I guess its better than being hooked on Heroin.
      • shutaro, on 05/21/2008, -1/+15I guess its better than being Hitler...

        /Godwin'd
        • michaelb323, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1I guess it's better than being Hillary

          /Demswin
    • DarkoKun, on 05/21/2008, -7/+12Food thats good for you tastes nasty.
      • sarixe, on 05/21/2008, -0/+5Are you calling turkey subs nasty? Why I oughta...
      • dstz, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1ALL foods are good for you if you're not a overeater and if you exercise.
    • antonio97b, on 05/21/2008, -0/+4Ah but ***** only takes weeks! And it's minutes at a time, rather than dieting 24/7 for months.
    • ausfahrt, on 05/21/2008, -2/+8The thing is that cleansing diets are not meant to be loose weight diets. They are supposed to cleanse you system of waste that has been sticking around for years and have effects that exercise and healthy eating alone cannot provide. People who use them for weight loss purposes are stupid and are playing dangerous games with their health. Cleanses and fasts have been practiced for thousands of years in some cultures and if done right can be beneficial to your overall health and wellbeing.
      • cdahlkvist, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Cleansing can cause weight loss. But you are spot on when you say it can be a dangerous game if overused.

        Furthermore, the weight you lose is not fat but rather, solid, packed waste from your digestive system.

        I had a high colonic and lost about 15 pounds from it, all from what had been packed in my bowels. I felt great after being cleansed like that after 2 days of feeling absolutely ill.
    • trixterIreland, on 05/21/2008, -2/+0as soon as we can harness that propulsion system the act of ***** may lessen the effects on the environment from peoples daily commutes. Why if you ***** hard enough you could even give the airlines a run for their money. This could change everyting!
    • macweirdo42, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2Yeah, even if you start eating healthy, it's gonna take a damn long time before you actually start to see any benefits. Whereas with these diets, you're gonna immediately see the results - granted, you'll see them as a huge-ass load of diarrhea in your pants, but at least you'll know that that load is several pounds that you won't be gaining.
  • Cowgodx, on 05/21/2008, -9/+75Personally i'd like to shove a vacuum up my ass if it allowed me to eat anything i wanted. Self-control is for losers.
  • psogle, on 05/21/2008, -2/+30Oily discharge, YEAH!
  • HIFIsamurai, on 05/21/2008, -0/+6this is disgusting but I read it so I want other to feel my pain.
  • GiJoeBob, on 05/21/2008, -1/+45"Blasting out of your colon" are 5 words that should never be used together.
    • spect3r, on 05/21/2008, -2/+5Unless it is used in reference to your mom

      (sorry I had to)
    • antonio97b, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1"I'm going to blast your colon!"
    • darlyn, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Additional material:
      http://www.google.com/search?q=Blasting%20out%20of ...
      and
      "Nothing gets it done like Fleet's Phospho Soda. I once took two full bottles of the stuff (which tastes a lot like diarrhea) and within about 15 minutes, I had a turbo ***** unlike anything I have experienced before or since. I don't know exactly what the Fleet's did in my bowels, but it sent about five pounds of liquified dook blasting out of my ass and into (and onto) the toilet at around 50 PSI. A huge amount of turd actually splashed back onto my ass and sent a spray of brown across the back of the toilet seat as the jet of doo hit the water. These bursts of diarrheal mayhem went on for about three or four minutes, and left me utterly exhausted once the chaos had subsided. I wound up having to make four or five more mad dashes to the restroom before the Fleet's finally wore off, and let me tell you, I was ***** WATER by the time it was over."

      followed by:
      http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458. ...
      Lols all around.
    • kyyled, on 06/01/2008, -0/+1dugg for "diarrheal mayhem"
  • SeaweedWater, on 05/21/2008, -3/+14Dugg for poop. Heh heh heh.
  • tastypickles, on 05/21/2008, -4/+1The real thing: http://www.fart-fart.com/funny-research/diarrhea.h ...
  • taradisiac, on 05/21/2008, -13/+23Diets are fail. Enjoy life and eat as you please. Life's purpose is no other than permanent masturbation of all senses until you die.
    • Typhoon2009, on 05/21/2008, -1/+6wat
      Nothing wrong with a proper diet. I'm on a diet right now - except I'm eating above my 'maintenance' calories (what I burn in a day) because I want to gain muscle. It's great - I like to eat, and gaining muscle means eating more than usual :)
    • threemagic, on 05/21/2008, -3/+2Yah, I'd rather eat correctly and explore better masturbation of other senses.. actually to limit the masturbation and get more of the reasl thing!
      • SteveIsTheDude, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2Your sure to get dug down. "A dude on Digg who gets laid!"
    • RobotBuddha, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2Not all, just something like 96-98%.
    • Haoie, on 05/21/2008, -1/+0Diets, like all things in life, are to be done in moderation.
    • Frostek, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Thanks for that, hedonism-bot...
  • 533n, on 05/21/2008, -0/+28WOW my parents actually did the last one with the lemon juice. Their church, SDA, claimed it cleansed your body
    • hmunkey, on 05/21/2008, -1/+10I feel so sorry for you.
      • 533n, on 05/21/2008, -0/+3You have no idea. Forget Scientology SDA is a crazy cult.
    • ell0bo, on 05/21/2008, -0/+4I know a girl that did it, and I never realized it was meant to loose weight. I think she needs to figure another out, because not only will I ever look at her the same way again, but she still needs to loose the weight.
    • sven007, on 05/21/2008, -0/+4My friend did it too. apparently it makes all the crap leave your body and he lost about 10-15 pounds.

      pretty intense if you ask me
  • internetcoward, on 05/21/2008, -1/+4didn't effedra (sp?) really work or something.. except for people on uppers/steroids/running marathons? Y'know, when it caused death....
    • Marinium, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Yeah, OCCASIONALLY peoples hearts would explode, but you take the good with the bad. I never would have made it through college without effedra (sp?).
    • kittnerrules, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1(sp)--> ephedra
  • nestcrw, on 05/21/2008, -0/+19I did the master cleanse. I lost ten pounds, gained five back. The first thing I ate (well, drank) afterwards, was BEER.
    haha, oops.
  • johndajap56, on 05/21/2008, -1/+13throwing up and cigarettes work for celebrities, try that if you don't want to have the *****. You'll look like a stick and be popular
  • PCloadLetterWTF, on 05/21/2008, -3/+13***** DIETS SUCK!
  • psykiv, on 05/21/2008, -2/+44Best diet drug ever? Cocaine.
  • strikes12, on 05/21/2008, -0/+7Why is the taco bell diet not on that list?
    • antonio97b, on 05/21/2008, -0/+5Because Taco Bell isn't Mexican enough to make you ***** your pants.

      Take it from a mexican, whitey.
      • cdahlkvist, on 05/21/2008, -1/+2"Taco Bell isn't Mexican"

        What!?!?! But the food was prepared and served to me by a Mexican! How can that not be authentic Mexican?
        • antonio97b, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Sameway that panda express served by asians is not Chinese food.
        • cdahlkvist, on 05/22/2008, -0/+1But it's still Panda, right?
    • coresnake, on 05/21/2008, -1/+1The rats crawling all over their food gives you food poisoning then you crap it all out...
    • one1plus1one, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1I have a sensitive stomach, and I'm just fine when I eat at Taco bell.

      Lately it's been McDonalds that wipes out my stomach for some reason -- so much so, that I haven't eaten again at McDonald's in 2 years, and counting. (I do miss it though, sometimes.)
    • nobogeys217, on 05/21/2008, -1/+2Where is the waffle house diet?
      My stomach is hurting just thinking about it.
      • darkzealot89, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2I ***** LOVE Waffle House.
        • cdahlkvist, on 05/21/2008, -1/+1Waffle House food is terrible.

          Waffle House people watching is what makes Waffle House so wonderful!
  • hempydave, on 05/21/2008, -2/+7Cocaine is herbal medicine.
  • DarkoKun, on 05/21/2008, -9/+2Im on a diet I just ate grilled chicken and broccoli it was disgusting.
    • SteveIsTheDude, on 05/21/2008, -1/+1Too bad you could never stop that diet.... /sarcasm
  • OSuX, on 05/21/2008, -1/+14The Ubuntu lettuce diet is not on the list? Fail.
  • KungFuManchu, on 05/21/2008, -0/+26Oh sweet jesus, don't Google Image Search 'mucoid plaque'.
  • sjbdallas, on 05/21/2008, -0/+14The painful burning and drops of blood coming out of your ass tells you it's working.
  • libertao, on 05/21/2008, -0/+17The South Beach Diet is about permanently cutting out white flour products and meat/dairy high in saturated fat--how is that bad?
    • one1plus1one, on 05/21/2008, -0/+5Its really bad if you have a fetish about two girls slathering a saturated-fat oil all over their bodies and then rolling around in white-flour.

    • Codeblew, on 05/21/2008, -1/+2Exactly. The south beach diet forces you to eat good protein sources as well as good Carb sources such as salads, fruits, nuts and whole grains. All pasta and breads do is make you a bloated and fat.
  • D0P3M4N, on 05/21/2008, -0/+13The Ass-Blaster diet: You'll crap out your liver. Hey, that weighs a few pounds, right?
  • ryan83189, on 05/21/2008, -0/+6No sliders diet?
  • LeopardGirl420, on 05/21/2008, -1/+6Enjoy your uncontrollable chair staining oily orange anal leakage fatties!
  • DeFex, on 05/21/2008, -2/+4I was having a laugh reading that until i got to the bit where he typed "on accident"
    WTF is "on accident" ?
  • warbird, on 05/21/2008, -0/+7Vinegar is very good for you. Not only for dieting, but it helps the body absorb more of the nutrients in the food you eat. In essence, you get more "bang for your buck"
  • DeFex, on 05/21/2008, -0/+4double viking should have turned the hands in their logo around 90 degrees for this one.
  • Chainheart, on 05/21/2008, -0/+5Apple Cider Vinegar really does make you *****. It also clears up acne pretty well. The downside: a mouth-shriveling taste
    • Goldbricker, on 05/21/2008, -0/+0Yeah that's probably the secret to the diet. A couple of teaspoons of that and you won't want to eat.
    • warbird, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Dilute it with water, and it aint that bad
  • USCooper, on 05/21/2008, -1/+0Master Shake all my organs through my colon. Ironically, the text I had to enter to post this was "mbutt"... mud butt anyone?
  • brownrecluse888, on 05/21/2008, -8/+2How about the Obama Diet...you can only eat when a new Obama Spam article is posted to digg...wait, thats every 4 seconds...
  • ameba, on 05/21/2008, -1/+2My friends and i had a contest to each drink exlax and see who shat the most. the winner lost almost 8 pounds.

    Unfortunately, it wasnt me.
    • SteveIsTheDude, on 05/21/2008, -0/+7There are no winners in an exLax contest....
  • mal1964, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1The Xinacal Diet.
    Xinacal Side Effects

    Fatty/oily stool, oily spotting, intestinal gas with discharge, bowel movement urgency, poor bowel control, or headaches may occur. If these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor promptly. Intestinal side effects (e.g., oily stool) may increase in intensity if you exceed your daily dietary fat allowance
    http://www.info-pharm.com/xenical/xinacal.html
  • jjpertusch, on 05/21/2008, -0/+7the master cleanse will most definitely not make you poop. in fact it will do the exact opposite. so much so that they recommend you drink an herbal laxative tea every couple days.
  • StiGUP, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1what about the hollywood cookie diet?
    http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2292/2360504010_bdd ...
  • snowpunter, on 05/21/2008, -1/+7I've used Oxy Powder. Stuff works like a champ. Assuming working like a champ means you eliminate massive amounts of compacted fecal matter lining your lower intestine and colon, not to mention needing to suppress the need for fart for fear of crapping yourself.

    Each bottle has something like 120 pills for 34 bucks. Take about 7 pills at a time at night with a big glass of water. When you wake up, sit on the crapper with a tall glass of water and hang out while your stools set you free. I did feel more energized and probably lost some weight at the same time. I used the pills for a week once. Now I take them whenever I've downed a ton of red meat and want to unclog my system afterwards.
    • Ellipsys, on 05/21/2008, -0/+9"compacted fecal matter lining your lower intestine and colon" - I hear this all the time from the "natural health" camp (and I'm not against alternative medicine, provided there is some sort of rationale to back it up), but I've not seen any evidence this condition actually exists as people describe it. The whole "I shat ropes of icky stuff that must have been poisoning my body for years" argument doesn't work because investigations using endoscopy have NEVER seen this phenomenon. Sure, you can be impacted but that isn't a chronic condition, that's acute. If you're impacted you're not ***** well, if at all. Not like these "I thought I was healthy and then I did this cleanse and look what came out!" All these "cleanses" make claims that there are parasites, toxins and other issues in the colon, but there has never been any scientific evidence from a non-biased source to confirm this in "normal, healthy people" who just happen to do these cleanses. Its always some self-diagnosis where they ***** into a colander, pick through it with a chopstick, and think they see all sorts of worms parasites, and other unnatural things.

      My theory is that 90% of the "ropes of horrible stuff" effect is not something that was built up in your body, but a reaction between the digestive tract and the "cleansing" compound. Most of these contain artemesia, black walnut, and other herbal treatments for parasites (which, there is scientific evidence has some effect). Some of these compounds, when added just to plain old water, mixed up, and left to harden will practically have the SAME effect.

      So I'm glad you're feeling better - eating healthy fiber to get things moved out after a ton of meat is a good thing, but I don't think its because you have a ton of compacted fecal matter up there.
      • edebolt, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1the oxy powder works on a different principle all together as its ozonated megnesium. I will not go into a lot of detail but you can google it... It's interesting and helpful supplement.
    • fuzzybeard, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1Your plumber called; he wanted to thank you for making this month's payment on his Porsche.
  • cowsgonemadd3, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1I found out taking ibuprofen after having wisdom teeth taken out does the same thing.....
  • CCflipside, on 05/21/2008, -0/+7My friend tried the master cleanser diet, and after a day or so he was basically pissing hot lava out of his ass. I unfortunately got to witness the product of his rectal adventures one day. I never want to witness a horror like that again
    • SteveIsTheDude, on 05/21/2008, -2/+8I bet you and your friend have lots of "rectal adventures"... Hee Hee Hee
    • coresnake, on 05/21/2008, -0/+3I just lold out loud @ 'pissing hot lava out his ass'
      • CCflipside, on 05/25/2008, -0/+1yeah, he told me he wasn't really pooping anymore, just basically peeing out of his ass, because you don't eat anything solid during the diet, hahaha
    • ell0bo, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1you can not say something like that and just leave it at that...
      • CCflipside, on 05/25/2008, -0/+1well, he did the diet for only a week, but during that week he kept telling me how he couldn't stop dreaming of eating real food, and he kept reminding me how nasty his ***** were. We're roommates, so I jokingly told him lets see exactly how horrible his ***** is, and he willingly left his crap in the toilet for me to see. It definitely wasn't pretty. Just think of taking your own poo, blending it into a smoothie consistancy, and then making soup out of it. Mmmm, makes you hungry, doesn't it?
    • GothAlice, on 05/21/2008, -1/+1Video or pictures or it didn't happen.
      • CCflipside, on 05/25/2008, -0/+1Trust me, you don't want to see something like that. Well, if you're really curious, just try it yourself!
  • namelessXsilent, on 05/21/2008, -2/+3pack of Malboros and a jug of coffee, great diet
  • cgruber, on 05/21/2008, -2/+6I don't need those fancy diets. Cheap Mexican and a 12 oz Redbull, you'll run but not for the border. The burn means it's working.
  • hinmanj, on 05/21/2008, -0/+3Wow, I was just looking at the grocery store for apple cider vinegar because it supposedly helped a skin condition. Didn't think it would make you ***** YOURSELF SILLY
  • rainydaywoman, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2My mom's starting the Master Cleanse diet tomorrow and wants me to do it with her. I've done enough of those stupid effing diets that I'll never even go there. Starve yourself for 10 days and then you have to wean yourself back on food slowly, so it's more like you can't eat solid food for 15 days. That's not a world I want to live in.
  • coresnake, on 05/21/2008, -0/+3Dugg for the stormtrooper pic hahahaha
  • brownrecluse888, on 05/21/2008, -3/+1I just drink a gallon of fiber every time Obama Spam is posted to digg....I'm now down to weighing 3.4 pounds....but the cost of toilet paper is rough!!
  • mentalfoto, on 05/21/2008, -0/+4Two words that are always funny together:
    "Explosive diarrhea"
  • qaziop, on 05/21/2008, -0/+0I've heard of some pretty crazy diets, but have yet to go on a diet that actually makes me sh*t myself
  • albinorhino101, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1ugh when will stupid people realize that ***** your guts out looks good on the scale but doesn't help you fit into that new swim suit?
  • Hijack32, on 05/21/2008, -0/+7People are full of *****
  • YodaJones, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2Ass Plaque, Ass Plaque ... Ooops ...Aflac, Aflac
  • macweirdo42, on 05/21/2008, -0/+2The Master Cleanser sounds absolutely brutal. I mean, *****, isn't it enough just to have to suffer crapping your ass out without having to deal with the horrible burn of cayenne pepper? Hell, the closest I've ever come to that was the time I made chili with habaneros in it, and good though it was, just that was enough to convince me that there's a thin line between being nice and spicy and ***** out liquid fire.
  • TheRickster1, on 05/21/2008, -0/+0Lets not forget Slim Quick or Slim ***** the morning after.
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