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Marvel Comics vs. Science: 5 of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins

cracked.com — Superheroes all share a unifying trait: their origins don't actually make an ounce of sense.

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  • dictatortot, on 10/10/2007, -1/+45quit destroying my dreams.
  • Lyk4n, on 10/10/2007, -5/+2It's fiction! Just let it be..
    • JayPinkerton, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2Hey, the author of the piece. No, I totally get you. It's dudes in tights, let it be! I'm a lifetime comic book fan, and I meant NO disrespect to these characters -- I buy their monthly comics! The whole thing stemmed from watching a rerun of the Fantastic Four movie and thinking, "What the hell are cosmic rays, anyway? Would those actually do anything close to what's depicted?" So I went and researched it, and this is the article that came as a result. But it's NOT meant as an ass-wiping of the superhero genre -- dude, I LOVE comics! I spend way too much money on them every week! It was simply meant as a "Hmm, how would that have actually gone down in the real world?" thing.
  • justinil, on 10/10/2007, -7/+4wait, you mean these things aren't actually possible in real life? ... why did I waste so much time reading them if it's not real
    • smackhero, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1seriously, i shoulda stopped reading after page 2. those were the only funny or remotely accurate ones. their alternate hulk explanations fly in the face of science and common sense just as much as the original story--just less entertaining.
  • Shad0wSP, on 10/10/2007, -0/+6I wonder how the black cougar got his abilities...

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=oDgsqWiD2A0
  • rudy23, on 10/10/2007, -2/+1and i was thinking they were delivered via C-sec
  • arenz003, on 10/10/2007, -3/+1absolutely lame... until:

    "Other students, like Wolverine and Cyclops, stay on as associate professors, fighting one another for choice teaching positions and clawing for tenure."
  • datastorageguy, on 10/10/2007, -1/+17cracked.com - Digg gaming super hero. Adds front page stories faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap Digg spam blockers in a single bound.
    • ChrisAlbon, on 10/10/2007, -1/+3and crashes faster than 1000 cheetahs...
    • sepultura, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2I don't see how they're gaming Digg though. No one told me to submit this article, I just really like the site and they tend to have good stuff. I have noticed that the site gets diggs pretty fast though but I can't really control that.
  • CannedMango, on 10/10/2007, -6/+25anyone else sick of lists coming from Cracked.com?
    • f4nt0m4s, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2yes. 6 pages of ad-spam and i have yet to read a mind boggling article from them
  • Nickatnite101, on 10/10/2007, -2/+16I ***** hate cracked.com...but i cant stop reading it. even with all the ads. I hate myself
    • KniteWulf, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1You don't just hate cracked.com, you ***** hate cracked.com!
      • JayPinkerton, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Hey, I work for it, how do you think I feel? The stink NEVER washes off.
  • catalysis, on 10/10/2007, -0/+6So I guess it wasn't the best idea to splatter myself with that radioactive waste when I was younger.
  • keegster, on 10/10/2007, -2/+2since when to comic books have to make sense? Thats the point of fiction.
  • cromus, on 10/10/2007, -1/+10Buried for being categorized as "science." Then again, I can't blame them--there isn't a "lame ***** from CRACKED.COM" category.
  • BigSax, on 10/10/2007, -2/+12"Now piloting a spacecraft while legally retarded, Reed suggests they abandon their Mars mission and fly off in the direction of a distant galaxy instead, on the grounds that it looks like ice cream. They are never heard from again."

    I freaking love the writers for cracked.com. Yes the separate page for every item in their lists is annoying, but well worth it for the hilarity.
    • trajomoreno, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Best. Paragraph. Ever.

      "...on the grounds that it looks like ice cream." Priceless.
  • danielrh9, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2So when you say psychosomatic,... you mean like ... he could start a fire with his thoughts?
    • lordtyros, on 10/10/2007, -2/+1Hey, *****:

      Physchosomatic - This is the manifestation of physical symptoms resulting from a mental state.
  • Clawg, on 10/10/2007, -2/+3"Superheroes all share a unifying trait: their origins don't actually make an ounce of sense."
    Maybe MARVEL superheroes.
    The origin of Batman does make sense :>
    • SeventhSon, on 10/10/2007, -0/+4No it doesn't. He has to have some kind of hidden superpower. He's been knocked out countless times over a period of 60+ years and has NO permanent brain damage? How'd he pull that off?
    • GMorgan, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1Iron Man makes loads of sense. My heart is screwed up so instead of looking for a doctor I'll put on a suit of iron armour and kick the bad guys ass.

      Of course they were clever. Stark was an alcoholic so it makes loads of sense in that context.
  • sportzfan531, on 10/10/2007, -1/+0I really don't know what to think...
  • fuzzynyanko, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1I'm sure DC Comics has their share of weird origins.
    • Nickatnite101, on 10/10/2007, -0/+4Lobo, (my favorite) is a power hungry alien who destroyed his entire race just to be original
      • mercano, on 10/10/2007, -1/+3Thats Syler's M.O. on Heroes, too.
        • JayPinkerton, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Hi, author of the piece here. I was planning an all-DC sequel.
  • Chubakkaz, on 10/10/2007, -0/+14"Steve is injected with "super-soldier" serum until he transforms into a muscled god—at which point the genetically perfect, blond-haired, blue-eyed superman is ready to battle everything the evil Nazis represent."

    LMAO!!!!!!!!
  • anteyekon4myst, on 10/10/2007, -4/+2Wow man. We go from attacking religion to sci-fi. What next, you're going to put a hit out on Peter Pan for defying physics. Digg seems to becoming some sort of techno-facist ultra-realist forum.
  • GfunkGbuss, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0Yet it appears cracked.com is down now?!
  • Doomsan, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2WHY o why cracked.com makes his lists 5 pages long, HOW ABOUT ONE PAGE FOR THE ENTIRE LIST?????!!!!!!!!!!
    • JayPinkerton, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2Because our salaries depend on hits, and more pages mean more hits. Come on, I'm a web surfer myself. Is it REALLY that much of a pain in the ass, clicking something to get more of the article? Keep in mind, the multi-page thing was done INSTEAD of pop-up ads, annoying flash ads, or irritating interstitials. Basically we picked the LEAST annoying way to make a profit off an article, and we're still getting *****. I'm honestly out of ideas. How would you rather we made money? Would a 20-second interstitial ad, like IGN or The Onion does, before you got to the article, be better? Seriously, let me know. Whatever the readers want, they get. Tell me what you want in a way that still makes a profit, and we WILL do it.
  • liv3fr33ordi3, on 10/10/2007, -0/+9Spider-pig, spider-pig, does whatever a spider-pig does. Can he swing, from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out! He's spider-pig.
    • skubiszm, on 10/10/2007, -0/+3He's not spider-pig any more, he's Harry Plopper.
  • ho0ber, on 10/10/2007, -0/+9Anyone else count SIX (of the Most Absurd Superhero Origins)?
    • bainfu, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1That's because the Punisher didn't seem that absurd.
  • morningmatters, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2I don't like cracked much but find this list quite funny actually..

    "What Would Have Happened to Captain America in Real Life: The super-soldier serum—an anabolic steroid cocktail brimming with various classified growth hormones not approved by the FDA—has immediate virilizing and hormonal side effects. They manage to atrophy his testicles, increase his cholesterol levels, give him acne all over his back and grow him a sexy pair of large, non-lactating breasts. While the shadowy government agency debates whether or not to allow a woman into the military, Steve responds to critical spikes in his testosterone levels by breaking free from his restraints, grabbing a nearby doctor and anally violating him while pounding fist-sized holes in the wall and demanding a protein shake."
  • insanebrain, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2Superhero's should be stored on a superserver . .
  • HanSolo69, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Cracked.com VS Logic: Why their stupid lists keep ending up on digg.
  • 35263526, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1http://duggmirror.com/general_sciences/Marvel_Comics_vs_Science_5_of_the_Most_Absurd_Superhero_Origins/ caught it.
  • slimasian, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1HA! I was a fan of this one myself:

    "Professor X's mutant school is populated less by telekinetic fire-throwing demi-gods and more likely by one kid with a slight bump on her back that, after a few hundred thousand years and with the help of Professor X's well-funded breeding program, blossoms into a non-working bat-wing."

    NICE, lol
  • anuttam, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0Anyone who knows anything about comic books knows that the origins are a testament to the times during which they were written. In retrospect yea, they are kind of dumb, but it made sense back in the day. Which is why there are modern versions of most of these comics (e.g. Ultimates) with explanations that better suit our knowledge of science. Buried for Science as opposed to History.
  • Ekwoya, on 10/10/2007, -0/+3Why the hell is punisher in this list ?
    • JayPinkerton, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Hi, the author of the piece. Because there were WAYYYY too many Marvel superheroes whose origins hinged on radioactivity, and I didn't want the article to sound like a broken record. It's doing well enough that a sequel might be merited, though. If you had some other superheroes to suggest, I'd be more than happy to add 'em to the next one.
  • blodorn, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1"The alpha particles, beta particles and gamma rays in radioactive material destroy living cells by breaking their chemical bonds and disrupting the cell's genetic instructions. Despite what Stan Lee tells you, this is bad. Peter Parker dies."

    brilliant
    • capran, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1LOL. And the newer explanation for Spiderman is just as bad (genetically enhanced spider, instead of radioactive spider.) I'm not a biologist or doctor, but I believe that the only thing that can change your DNA is a virus. So somehow this spider has a virus in it's venom that's able to change human DNA? OK....

      But...it'd have to happen to nearly every cell in his body. That would require the mother of all massive infections...his immune system would go into overdrive, and he'd most likely die long before any of the infected cells could become Spidey-cells.
  • scottjl, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1ok. i laughed quite a bit. good read. thanks.
  • riveraoor, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0its just fun to read what coulda happend lol...
  • slonrgjon, on 10/10/2007, -1/+0no more cracked.com!!!
    • JayPinkerton, on 10/13/2007, -0/+1Cracked.com is retardedness! It kills cute babies!
  • UrinalPooper, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Buried as inaccurate... Some people use steroids to go on and set home-run records.
    • JayPinkerton, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1And they still die in their mid-thirties of liver failure. Un-buried as "You apparently don't understand the devastating effects that steroids have over time on a human body."
  • st3vo, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1I am the Waffler. With my griddle of justice, I bash the enemy in the head, or, I burn them like so. I also have some truth syrup, which is low in fat.
  • Glorax, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0take that marvel comics! your super hero's are created out of an obsolete scientific viewpoint... Giant robots created from a cube in space seems much more plausible.
  • DarKnight90, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Leave it to science to debunk fiction.
  • djryan, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0"Would you like Bruce when he's angry? Good sirs, we humbly propose that you would not."
  • arielpopper, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1from the capt. america page:
    "He is immediately shot full of tranquilizers and the super-soldier program is quietly shelved. Steve spends the rest of his life in major league baseball under the assumed name Barry Bonds."

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