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The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

cracked.com — we aim to save gaming from the abyss by pointing out the sins of games like the Elder Scrolls and Half Life series, games made by creators who actually care. It is in that spirit that we proclaim the commandments that they have broken, so that they may be redeemed.

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  • Borgcube, on 04/29/2008, -7/+98Some of these things are so true... seems just slightly pro-Nintendo, but maybe that's just me.
    Anyway, I really hate escort missions, the AI seems to be so stupid it keeps wondering off to God knows where and then complains about "not protecting them right". Here's a tip, try staying IN COVER so you don't get shot, 'k?
    • Fhwqhgads, on 04/29/2008, -1/+8or in games like WoW, stay behind the player who is strong enough to kill your captors rather than walking right into them.
      • lamiaconfitor, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2good old D&D strategies live on.
    • BlueSkyfish, on 04/29/2008, -8/+60If you think about what makes up a good game, you'd probably sound pro-Nintendo. Most of my favorite games are first party Nintendo titles.

      Then again, it's possible I just have a bias.
      • GeyserShitdick, on 04/29/2008, -19/+6You have two butts? That sucks, dude!
      • BabyWookie, on 04/30/2008, -12/+2Yes, you do. I personally hate Nintendo games. A lot of them have the kind of crap that this article complains about. Hell, some Nintendo games are featured as examples.
        • Borgcube, on 04/30/2008, -1/+2See, it is you who has a bias actually since you just seem to hate Nintendo games for no apparent reason and that is pure fanboyism.
        • BabyWookie, on 04/30/2008, -3/+1@Bogcube:

          I just never found myself liking any of their games and characters. I tried to, but I could never force myself to finish stuff like Zelda or Mario. They always bored me after an hour or so. Back in the NES days, I chose a Sega Master System. I then grew to hate Nintendo as a company for their nasty, unfair, anti-competition business practices, that later got them censured by the Japanese government. Nintendo were the nazies of the video game world back in the late 80's and mid 90's. Nasty, nasty stuff.
        • BabyWookie, on 04/30/2008, -2/+1Correction: There was one Nintendo games that I liked a lot and actually bothered bo finish. It was Super Metroid. ...but then, they went ahead and ruined the whole series with those horrible 3D FPS entries on the GameCube.
      • ramunenke, on 04/30/2008, -4/+2many of the first party nintendo games are the games that need to be put in a crate in the far corner of an Indiana Jones style area 51 researched by "top men" because they have been done to death. Killed too many Nazi's? How about killed to many koopas.
        • allisonaxe, on 04/30/2008, -1/+4maybe so, but years later, nintendo still manages to make stomping on turtles to be fun and fresh.. while somehow, shooting nazi number 3,145,155,648 has lost its charm.
        • Borgcube, on 04/30/2008, -1/+3Can you use the Nazi uniforms to kill a whole bunch of them in a row and earn a life that way? I THINK NOT!
      • lamiaconfitor, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1yeam ause everyone know how much half life 2 just sucked ass. /sarcasm
    • cakerun, on 04/29/2008, -1/+0Yeah, AI is too stupid to properly do escort missions.
      Even If It was smart enough, they stil suck.
    • isunktheship, on 04/29/2008, -8/+9I also pasted this below

      #7. Thou shalt let us play your game with real-life friends.
      #6. Thou shalt not pad the length of your games.
      #5. Thou shalt not force repetition on the player.
      #4. Thou shalt make killing fun.
      #3. Thou shalt admit when enough is enough.
      #2. Thou shalt make sure your game actually works.
      #1. Better graphics do not equal innovation and/or creativity.

      damn you cracked
      • lamiaconfitor, on 04/30/2008, -5/+1I will forever auto bury cracked just for this stupid article.
      • Soave, on 04/30/2008, -1/+3Except that the good part about Cracked is their commentary...
    • chaoswings, on 04/29/2008, -2/+2You know as much as I like Nintendo (Zelda series was awesome) I am tired of them reusing the same character over and over and over and over and over. Also party games are fun no secret there, it's no surprise that the sales were so high. But come on they really should have had some better hardware going into it. They also really need to fix up the party games with online play.
    • protonone, on 04/29/2008, -13/+8Here is the actual list of top selling games of 2007.
      1. Halo 3 (Xbox 360) -- 4.82 million
      2. Wii Play w/ remote (Wii) -- 4.12 million
      3. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (Xbox 360) -- 3.04 million
      4. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock (PlayStation 2) -- 2.72 million
      5. Super Mario Galaxy (Wii) -- 2.52 million
      6. Pokemon Diamond (Nintendo DS) -- 2.48 million
      7. Madden NFL 08 (PlayStation 2) -- 1.90 million
      8. Guitar Hero 2 (PlayStation 2) -- 1.89 million
      9. Assassin's Creed (Xbox 360) -- 1.87 million
      10. Mario Party 8 (Wii) -- 1.82 million

      This list is so incredibly pro Nintendo it's not even funny. Maybe if he wants to be taken seriously he shouldn't lie.
      • stabbingkittens, on 04/29/2008, -0/+6Mario Party 8 is disgraceful. 1.82 million?! Something must be wrong with me. It is a massive offender of commandment #5.
      • BabyWookie, on 04/30/2008, -9/+5Why would you people digg this down? Can't Nintendofags face truth?
      • mushrooms538, on 04/30/2008, -1/+4Well, Nintendo does have the highest amount of titles on the top ten list (4). Xbox has 3, PS2 has 3. I'm just saying, the article isn't as pro Nintendo as some of you say.
      • RoadDoggFL, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2At first I thought you had a point... but he didn't list those games as the top-selling games of 2007. He listed them as being _among_ the top-selling games of 2007. The point was how many of the top-selling games of 2007 let you have friends over and play. That's not to say that it's the reason they sold so well, but there's certainly something to be said for at least having the option.
      • SteveMax, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1I believe Wii Sports has sold more copies than most of those. Ok, many of them were bundled with a console, but a lot of those consoles were bought specifically for it.
      • Solis, on 05/02/2008, -0/+1Nice try, but those are North American figures only. He was talking about worldwide sales jackass.
    • Omenofwar, on 04/30/2008, -11/+2I agree it is pro-Nintendo i hate the wii here is why: you cant play with friends who are say in a city away from you, and (here is my BIG problem with it) the stupid thing gives out some radiation and can is the worst rated green house gas emitter of the three big consoles, (this is to the poele that downed Topher06) also Nintendo is the only company that is supposed to be good at creating games for the wii so i dont see why should game makers even create games on it.and the wii is the "Fisher Price of the gaming industry."
      • dillweed33, on 04/30/2008, -0/+8Seriously? This comment is freakin' stupid....
      • blahtastic, on 04/30/2008, -0/+7What the hell are you talking about? Radiation?

        I think it might be true that if you leave the wii connect thing on it takes the most power, but you can turn that off. And ***** radiation? What the ***** are you on man?
      • AlexDDN, on 04/30/2008, -0/+5I hear it gives you cancer of the EVERYWHERE.
      • Borgcube, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3WHAT? You can actually play only WITH YOUR FRIENDS ON WII, its called Friend Codes and is actually a horrible network system, but your argument doesn't criticize that. Also, Wii does radiate, but so does every single thing powered by elcetricity. And to say that Nintendo only makes good games for it is somewhat untrue, they have most of the good games since they know what the system can do, but there are also good third party games like Zack and Wiki, No More Heroes, Guitar Hero III etc.
    • Yookji, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2"The average gamer has killed more Nazis than the entire Russian army." So true. I lol'd.
  • thestormcrow, on 04/29/2008, -5/+76David Wong could write about watching linoleum warp, and I would still read it.
    • navster15, on 04/29/2008, -1/+9I agree, although this article seems to crib a bit off his "Gamer's Manifesto" article from a few years back. Whatever, it made me chuckle, so it gets my digg.
      • omglucifer, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2That's because this article is more or less the sequel/follow-up to the Gamer's Manifesto.
    • Kerath, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1John Dies at the End is great.
    • synthoid, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2I hate that kid in the thumbnail. What a little prick.
      • ramunenke, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1i played with this kid last night in call of duty, he kept calling me a N*. I am filled with dread that he and his ilk have moved to another great game that is too mature for him.
  • RoadDoggFL, on 04/29/2008, -1/+24I don't understand why any online game (except MMOs, but even they could make PvP/offline quests) wouldn't have every online mode available offline at least on a LAN. Sports games? The best we can do is 1v1? Are you kidding me? Why do FPSs offer 16 player games while sports games won't ever let me go online with more than 6 people?

    Also, I really wish more console games let people run their own servers. Even huge games could benefit from it. Imagine if Halo 3's matchmaking service had some 360s left online as dedicated servers to choose from as hosts for games. I just don't get how more potentially good hosts could be a bad thing.
    • AssistedYogi, on 04/29/2008, -1/+6Sports games, by nature, would be very boring in anything more than 1v1 or maybe 2v2, depending on the sport. If each person had control of only 1 "position" in a given sports games, can you image the griping about ball hogs, puck hogs, etc? If the NHL games supported a full 5v5 or 6v6, and you got the puck passed to you once the entire hour long game, would you be a little chocked and bored?
      • tradwolley, on 04/29/2008, -0/+4NHL games wouldn't be that bad, you would just need to brush up on your body checks.
        • krogothwolf, on 04/29/2008, -0/+5The older systems use to let you hook up 2 multitaps and play 4v4 Sports games all the time, we use to do that with the older PS1 NHL Games, they were great!
      • RoadDoggFL, on 04/29/2008, -0/+3That's why you allow stat-tracking and ratings at different positions. A selfish player won't have many assists, and players who play a good team game would be more likely to win. I'm also hoping that quitting during a game wouldn't end it for anybody else, and some games would even allow joining in the middle of them.

        You might think it's boring, but the thought of something like an 11v11 Madden tournament actually makes the idea of a Madden tournament less terrible to me.
        • AssistedYogi, on 04/30/2008, -0/+0For me, football would at least be tolerable - you have something to do every single play, running your route or blocking or covering your guy or whatever. The baseball example though would be a complete snore fest. Baseball by nature is a very boring game with brief moments of excitement. I couldn't stand sitting there for 15 minutes waiting for my turn to bat.
          • RoadDoggFL, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1But if you were a baseball fan? People spend countless hours on their franchises and campers in FPSs sit in the same spot every match with their sniper rifles. People can find things fun that others find boring, but in all honesty baseball's one of the sports I'm least interested in playing online... :-/
      • Namesbond, on 04/29/2008, -0/+2Baseball games could be fun this way.
        • RoadDoggFL, on 04/29/2008, -0/+2Exactly. The people playing the games online are fans of these respective sports. There's plenty of room for trash-talking playing on the defensive line in a football game, and you're an example of a full baseball game being fun for the fielders not involved in every play.
    • warriorscot, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1You would have to use peoples internet connection for that while they were not playing, allot of people have quotas etc. and even more have limited upload speeds which make servers more difficult to run. Also consoles don't generally have as much computing power that they can spare enough to run the server. PS3s have the juice I suppose but they are built more like PCs than consoles.
      • RoadDoggFL, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1"You would have to use peoples internet connection for that while they were not playing, allot of people have quotas etc. and even more have limited upload speeds which make servers more difficult to run."

        How does this stop PC games? Ok, some people have quotas, some don't. It's not about hosting every single game on a dedicated console, it's about hosting some games. About letting a matchmaking system have a larger pool of servers to use, letting them focus more on arranging things like similar ranks instead of making sure one of the matched up players has a good enough connection. I just don't see how more good hosts would be a bad thing, especially if the only argument is "well not everybody could do it."

        "Also consoles don't generally have as much computing power that they can spare enough to run the server. PS3s have the juice I suppose but they are built more like PCs than consoles."

        Well they currently do the task I'm asking for while playing the game. I'm just asking for the option while not actively playing the game, also. Nothing special, just don't force the host to play. Hell, this would have the added boost of making sure nobody has host advantage.
    • TeatimeGrommit, on 04/29/2008, -0/+2Late to the party, but here's the reason:

      Sports game producers decided that they didn't like artificial game play artifacts from lag. So they send packets indicating what the player wants to do, but delay the reaction from the controller by 250 milliseconds so that everyone sees the same action on screen. This sort of thing means that the number of players cannot exceed the number where we can pretty much guarantee all packets will go through.

      FPS game producers decided that instant reaction and feedback to the player is most important. Packets can drop on the floor like beads from a burst necklace and an FPS game will compensate.
      • RoadDoggFL, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1See, that's a new reason and I can accept that. But it also implies that the situation should improve as internet connections also improve, correct? And it still doesn't answer why there's been almost no LAN play in sports games (MS's first party sports games supported system link, I just bought NHL Rivals 2004 on the off-chance I ever meet somebody else that owns a copy). Ideal networking environment, so the reason doesn't make sense to me (it's also a good environment for sports game developers to become comfortable with doing more over a network).
    • repick3, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1If I had a 360, I wouldn't let it run as a dedicated server. Come home from work to find it RRoDed... No thanks. Sorry, but I'd use my time playing.
  • SmooveO, on 04/29/2008, -11/+4David Wong for president. 'nuff said.
  • mentallyinhell, on 04/29/2008, -1/+27My PS3 seems to have something against me for wanting to play with friends. I think its jealous.
  • Fhwqhgads, on 04/29/2008, -2/+4World of Warcraft is guilty big time of number 6 and 5 and to some extent number 4. Number 3 under escort missions too. Yet, it's probably the most popular game right now.
    • osuchasenuts, on 04/29/2008, -0/+8Expect someone to go back and figure out what numbers 3,4,5, and 6 were?
      • wsuBobby, on 04/29/2008, -1/+8Exactly.
        And so the next person doesn't have to do it:
        6 - Thou shalt not pad the length of your games
        5 - Thou shalt not force repetition on the player.
        4 - Thou shalt make killing fun
    • TeatimeGrommit, on 04/29/2008, -0/+3WoW is so damn huge that some portion of it is likely in violation of every possible "commandment." Flip side: Don't like escort quests? Don't do them. The game is freakin' huge. Just do something else.
    • ligyron, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2WoW is guilty of pretty much all of these
  • Topher06, on 04/29/2008, -34/+16Personally, I think the game industry would be ruined if everyone made games the way Nintendo makes games, which is kind of what this article is aiming at. The Wii is an anomaly, while its selling well and making a mint for Nintendo the irony is that its not a game selling system (except those games made by Nintendo). This is because the Wii's entire existence is based on an innovative gimmick and doesn't offer game developers better hardware and features to truly innovate on the Wii. When you have to cripple your game to run on the Wii, and then force a weak motion control scheme on it, the game can't be good. When you look at the games coming down the pipe for Sony and Microsoft and then look at the games coming for the Wii, its very embarrassing for Nintendo from an innovation perspective. Nintendo has become the Fisher Price of the gaming industry.
    • insllvn, on 04/29/2008, -5/+27You are half right. Trying to force an XBox360 or a PS3 game onto the Wii will result in failure, but there is a lot of room for innovative and truly different gaming experiences. Graphics are really a non issue, think of Ocarina of Time or Final Fantasy 7, do those games suck? Would they suck if they had been released today? There will always be a place in my heart for the kind of console gaming a PS3 offers, but the Wii is something new and I am excited about that as well.
    • Sirocco, on 04/29/2008, -2/+21The article is aimed at getting developers to pay attention to what they are doing; something Nintendo is famous for. Not all game play mechanics are welcome, and the ones listed in the piece are particularly nefarious as well as persistent for no good reason. The article sounds pro-Nintendo because unlike the vast majority of developers they have the time and devotion to produce games that do not cut corners, and .... well, it's impossible to ignore.
    • macweirdo42, on 04/29/2008, -1/+23What about the DS? How do you explain its success, when its technology is far more limiting than the Wii, or even the PSP? The problem here is that the only innovation developers seem to understand is graphical innovation.

      The way I look at it, limiting yourself in one way can help bolster creativity in another. I'm not saying super-high-end graphics are a bad thing, but forcing yourself to focus on other aspects of the game, such as gameplay, can help create more enjoyable games.
      • Metellus, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1While I think you're right, that real innovation is more important than good graphics, I think it's also important to remember price. The DS and the Wii are a lot cheaper than the PS3 or 360, and are therefore a lot more likely to sell.
      • randomstupid, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1...and now Nintendo have kinda sorted out the playability aspect they can concentrate on the graphics in the Wii 2 . which would be the Poo .
    • stabbingkittens, on 04/29/2008, -0/+2I find it difficult to get into Wii. I've been a Sega and PS gamer up until 360, and I can't really adjust to Wii. That said, I have no friends so maybe there's a deeper problem here. What's good on Wii? I didn't like Mario Party 8, Red Sword, Resident Evil Cronicles and wasn't a big fan of Dragon Ball z. Aside those, I've only played wii sports which I think is great. Ideas?
      • veilrap, on 04/30/2008, -0/+5Brawl, Metroid, Galaxy, or Zelda would be a good starting point
      • danielglae, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Red Sword?
        • stabbingkittens, on 05/02/2008, -0/+1A tacky tough guy american meets (and beats) samurai.
  • nico623, on 04/29/2008, -4/+15I just can't understand why Wong works at Cracked. He could be up there with Yatzee...
    • Renton, on 04/29/2008, -0/+15Working for an Australian magazine?
    • OneLess, on 04/29/2008, -0/+7Either way he's pretty much guaranteed to make the front page of Digg.
    • Kerath, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1Well, his novel just got sold as a movie, so he's on the way up, I'd say.
    • clearwaterlab, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3Come on sixes... come on sixes... daddy needs a new leather belt... Sixes.. come on.... Sixes...
      *rolls dice*
      Damn it!
    • 4d669, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Up there?
  • jakash, on 04/29/2008, -14/+192I know it's not a game but: 8# Thou shalt not make a new ***** page for each ***** item on the list!
    Seriously, nobody likes it, why do it!?
    Otherwise good article...
    • osuchasenuts, on 04/29/2008, -1/+43$
    • rockrapdude, on 04/29/2008, -2/+5So you wouldn't spoil the first one by scrolling too low by mistake. And the money. (GTA joke alert) I hope that in the next 20 something years you will be able to kill the ad to get the money back.
      • Wrathernaut, on 04/29/2008, -1/+1SPOILERS!

        This is a list, not a game walkthrough.
    • alexforcefive, on 04/29/2008, -0/+23To be fair, each page was pretty much an article by itself
    • cybogoblin, on 04/29/2008, -0/+6It could also be a way of increasing their ad revenue. More pages/article means more ads viewed means more money to make more articles with more pages.

      It's annoying, but that's one way sites make their money.
      • stabbingkittens, on 04/29/2008, -1/+2It's the main reason. I'm at an IT trade mag and we do it too. I totally agree with alex though, each page was an article in itself.
    • SweetMercury, on 04/30/2008, -4/+2To spread server access around a site that is often dugg?
  • whatthefu, on 04/29/2008, -0/+16Dead Rising's save system certainly nearly drove me to insanity.
    • NeoCortex, on 04/29/2008, -0/+3Especially in a game where taking time to go find a save point cost you in time left to get to your mission objectives.
      • noerrorsfound, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1Did you ever play GTA 2? I was annoyed that each save costed $50,000, since I'd have to do multiple missions to get that much, and then after I spent it on saving I'd have no money again so it would be pointless to save.
    • jpjandrade, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1Yeah, I just stopped playing after the second objective.
    • stonedgeek, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1Dead Rising is also a huge offender when it comes to escort missions. Probably the worst offender.
  • macweirdo42, on 04/29/2008, -0/+63I'm glad somebody raised the point of offline multiplayer. Internet play is all well and good, but the games that really last, the ones that become really popular, are the ones that are best suited for a party environment.
    • mattyice11, on 04/29/2008, -11/+1Counterstrike is damn near 10 years old and it's still huge. If anything I'd say online games are more built to last than local-only multiplayer games.
      • RoadDoggFL, on 04/29/2008, -1/+17Counterstrike has LAN support, no?
        • mattyice11, on 04/30/2008, -3/+1Sure, but would you say that is the most popular way of playing it?
          • RoadDoggFL, on 04/30/2008, -0/+4I'd say it didn't hurt. Here's a question I pose to you: would it be as popular without it? Or would gamers just be pissed off because such a standard, simple feature wasn't supported for no reason at all?
      • Ashkc88, on 04/29/2008, -0/+13I'm sorry, but for me, playing games with people sitting next to you is way more fun than playing over the internet. There is a reason why people have LAN parties rather than just playing over the internet.
        • mattyice11, on 04/30/2008, -1/+1That's your opinion and that's fine. But, OP said that party games are the ones that are built to last, while implying that online games fade quicker. He's wrong and no amount of diggs or buries changes that.
        • cesclaveria, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1CS is popular because it can run on almost any system, nothing else.
        • SpeedSteamBoat, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1@cesc: Too bad that wasn't the case when it was released in 1999.

          CS is popular because it's a straight-forward, fast, and furious multiplayer FPS with elements of real strategic depth for those interested. Saying any game is popular just because it can "run on almost any system" is ridiculous. Go look at the bargain games rack at Walmart sometime. 99% of the those games practically run on your toaster, but almost nobody plays them because they are horrible, unfun debacles that exist only to lure an unsuspecting mother into forking over $10 to ruin her child's Christmas morning.
    • chonuts, on 04/30/2008, -0/+9Precisely. Last weekend my friends and I were pretty bored on a rainy Sunday afternoon, so we decided to dust off the ol' N64 for some Goldeneye and MarioKart. We all agreed that we had more fun getting drunk and laughing at each other face-to-face while playing than we ever did playing through headsets and an internet connection. The next night, I found myself downloading countless NES and SNES ROMS/emulators to play my old single-player favorites like Donkey Kong Country and Zelda Link to the Past. A good game is a good game, regardless of graphics or how many people are on your "Friends List" are playing it. Super Dugg.
    • Soave, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1Case in point, Super Smash Bros and Halo.
  • killbert24, on 04/29/2008, -10/+1Great! And if you break any of the commandments you're on a one way trip to hell! At least thats what the Church of Videogamers says.
    • wsuBobby, on 04/29/2008, -3/+2If I was Ernie - I would kick your ass for that comment.
  • Renton, on 04/29/2008, -5/+20I miss the Gamecube days where load times for most games were under three seconds. Now, some scenes in Brawl take up to ten seconds.
    • crazyhorse13, on 04/29/2008, -1/+1yeah, sometimes its really bad
    • veilrap, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Mostly because Brawl is a doubledensity disc (first for the wii)
  • XenoSNK, on 04/29/2008, -7/+42Cracked is usually bad with pages... but 7? Was that entirely necessary?
    • adrenaline33, on 04/29/2008, -2/+15They usually have 2 pages which I am just fine with. Seven was over the top.
      • AngryAngryBrian, on 04/29/2008, -1/+7Meh, there was a fair amount of content per page and no flash (excluding embedded videos) to sort through. Honestly that is my biggest complaint with some multi-page sites. They give you a single image, that requires you to disable noscript, and even after that they have so much other embedded content that it take about a minute to download. Cracked even in instances where they do go a little overboard with the number of pages in an article still manage to keep the points mentioned above to a minimum.
  • cannonball, on 04/29/2008, -3/+45Above: women

    dugg solely for that
    • BodomX, on 04/30/2008, -0/+4Also for; (Metriod Prime Ending)
      "***** You"
  • DevilSpawn, on 04/29/2008, -5/+45Half life should not have crowbars!

    wait...WHAT??
    • emiles, on 04/29/2008, -1/+11Yeah, and I have to say I liked the headcrabs in half-life as well. They were hard to kill because they were hard to aim at, but it was a challenge and it made the levels a lot scarier. Too many would be bad, of course, but a few here and there is nice and creepy.
      • veilrap, on 04/30/2008, -4/+2***** head crabs. Their just annoying
  • Shivalyn, on 04/29/2008, -13/+6Super Mario Galaxy had multiplayer?
    • NathanielJ, on 04/29/2008, -3/+7Why the hell is Shivalyn being dugg down? In no world does "you can point at the screen with your Wiimote, but not actually interact in any way" count as multiplayer.
      • Pinkshisno, on 04/29/2008, -0/+6It allows a second player to participate in the game. Sure you won't be a second Mario or Luigi running around, but it does allow someone else to interact (shoot star bits at enemies, or even be a jerk and waggle the cursor everywhere to piss off the other player).
        • NathanielJ, on 04/29/2008, -2/+4Yeah, and Zack & Wiki had multiplayer too then, I suppose? Shooting star bits at enemies never does anything anyways. It's like saying that allowing someone to point at the screen with a laser pointer is "multiplayer".
          • RoadDoggFL, on 04/29/2008, -0/+9My wife froze the Bullet Bills for me. A good second player can really save your ass on some platforming segments, too.
          • mushrooms538, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3One of the stars is near impossible to get without a second player. It took several days to get it.
    • grumbel, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1What Mario Galaxy does is simply asymmetric multiplayer, while that is of course no replacement for 'real' multiplayer, it is still a great way to get other people into games, since after all real life isn't build up of people who have the same skill level as you. Some fathers want to play with their sons, some guys with their girlfriends and that just doesn't work well in a deathmatch or even normal coop when one player has 100 hours experience while the other has 10 minutes.

      That said, I still would have loved to see a real coop multiplayer in a Mario game, but collecting star pieces with a second remote is still better then just sitting there doing nothing.
  • thegreathal, on 04/29/2008, -8/+2List summary?
  • JavertHolmes, on 04/29/2008, -5/+66"#6. Thou shalt not pad the length of your games.
    Violators: ...Elder Scrolls: Oblivion IV"

    I'm sorry, but did you play this game? You could click your map to revisit anywhere you'd been in the past and instantly teleport there. If you want to see a lot of frigging walking/horseback riding/flying to get somewhere, install World of Warcraft. The dungeons were boring, but the overland travel was a joy.
    • BestJaxx, on 04/29/2008, -0/+5I own WoW and completely agree about padding the length of the game. Especially travelling by flight. Sometimes it takes about 15 minutes to get from one place to another and it is all automatic. Sure, the first few times it is fun to watch the landscape below you, but after ten times, it gets old.
      • kuhlmeye, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3I dont think WoW really fits this category though. The flight and travel times dont really pad the length of the game, as it doesnt really have a pre-set ending. Plus they aren't boasting about how they have "over 100000000 hours of gameplay!!!"
    • Squidwalk, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2These guys are full of *****, you're right. Cracked lists can be fun sometimes, but if you don't know about fast travel in Oblivion then you've clearly never played the game. Saying Half-life 2 made killing things un-fun is the same BS. You got to fling exploding barrels and saw blades at people in some of the best physics ever in a game. Just getting the chance to beat people to death by chucking random crap at them was great.
    • Scira, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Ever play shivering isles? Like every single dungeon was like a minimum of half the island away from the nearest spot they already sent you to, meaning no fast travel.
      • Squidwalk, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1Well, at least you only have to do the walk once... I suppose your point is true in the larger sense too. But I'm sure you remember similar games to Oblivion that didn't have fast travel, and how much better about it Oblivion was. Especially in those guild quests where you'd have to walk half the world away. Oblivion isn't perfect, but it did implement mechanics that I feel successfully aggregated the vastness of the game world. Cracked went for it because it's a big name, but it really isn't the most guilty recent game of distance-induced padding.
  • mlrigsby, on 04/29/2008, -1/+10Brilliant. I especially liked the part about making sure you're game works. Maybe I'm picky, but I too can't understand framerate/stability issues on a freaking console game. The devs know the hardware limitations they are working with, a solid frame rate is not an unreasonable expectation.
  • Servebot, on 04/29/2008, -2/+106"You're dropping [split-screen multiplayer] because four players on a split screen are playing off one $60 copy of the game. Four players playing online need four copies ($240)."
    Dugg
    • jumico, on 04/29/2008, -7/+0Thats assuming everyone already owns every game system.
      • herrshuster, on 04/29/2008, -1/+6well yeah if they're playing the game they probably do
    • selfdisplaced, on 04/30/2008, -1/+3I don't know. I hate playing multiplayer games when it splits the screen up.
      • biggiantmat, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1Yeah but it's always a good laugh when you get a load of mates round to get drunk and play games until 4am. And TVs are so much bigger now days, at least mine is. I remember it being tons of fun playing Goldeneye, or Timeplitters etc. and having to slap your mates for peeking at your half of the screen. Good times. ;)
  • vivisimonvi, on 04/29/2008, -16/+5buried for not having all 7 conveniently listed on one page!
  • debuffplx, on 04/29/2008, -10/+11I don't recall any developer claiming better graphics = innovation or better gameplay. Even the Crysis devs that made a 2 hour video explaining motion blur and super ultra neko punch lighting while jacking off didn't make that claim. They say Graphics enhance the atmosphere and immersion and this is correct.
    • crazyhorse13, on 04/29/2008, -1/+4And yet, it's almost all they do...
    • SpeedSteamBoat, on 04/30/2008, -0/+3You aren't really wrong. But just because they don't SAY that with words doesn't mean a whole lot when it's not reflected in their games. There are plenty of titles out their these days with top notch graphics that bring absolutely nothing new, or even really fun to the table in any other category. Crysis is a great example. The physics engine is totally awesome for making incredible YouTube videos hit the front page of Digg. What that mean for the gameplay? Eh, pretty mediocre FPS. It doesn't even matter if they were just trying to focus on showing off the engine with Crysis. In fact, that should make it even more clear that all pretty visuals and physics in the world won't necessarily make an enjoyable experience.
    • homesickalien, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1You're right, the developers would never actually make that statement, but they sure as hell advertise and market their consoles like it's true. Sony has made the exact same console 3 times with only higher technical specs. The control design is fundamentally unchanged. As cute and family-friendly as Nintendo may seem, they sure have big balls for daring to try something different.
  • terajoule, on 04/29/2008, -7/+441 Commandment All Websites Should Obey: Thou shalt put the content of your article on one page! I understand the need to make money but this is ridiculous. Good list though.
    • duo8675309, on 04/30/2008, -5/+5Are you people still running off a 56k modem? Good lord, it's not that hard to click a link. And I prefer not having to pay attention to how fast I'm scrolling for fear of accidentally reading the next item on a list. If this is the most you people can come up to complain about then I suggest stepping outside and doing something productive for once.
  • neferiousrich, on 04/29/2008, -7/+3dugg for hating on long travel times.
  • stargatesteve, on 04/29/2008, -3/+18They're wrong about the killing with bad weapons part. In half life, you could either get guns quickly, or THROW STUFF AROUND LIKE GOD!!!
    And in Bioshock, sure you had a wrench, but you could also shoot lightning out of your hand like zeus.
    • Gonz037, on 04/29/2008, -3/+5Thou shalt not inject PIPES into your game to annoy the piss out of your players with the tedious *****.
  • smaskat, on 04/29/2008, -19/+0I just bought a Wii... wondering if they will ever release GTA4 for it?
    • laserblazer, on 04/29/2008, -2/+2They can't for a couple of reasons: franchise limitations and the WIi's lack of shader support and generally low graphics capacity.
    • smaskat, on 04/29/2008, -1/+9I think a mario version of GTA would be a big hit... Super Mario X : Grand Theft Mushroom..
    • nobelief, on 04/29/2008, -2/+2lol, have you taken a look at the game? Wii would turn black trying to play it
  • tradwolley, on 04/29/2008, -12/+3I tried, I honesty tried. But after page 4 I just lost interest.
    • tdogg241, on 04/30/2008, -1/+4I feel sorry for your attention span and clicking finger.
    • ramunenke, on 04/30/2008, -1/+1swallow some ritalin and get to clicking
  • totorototoro, on 04/29/2008, -2/+8I'll be happy if developers just follow one of these Commandments: Let us save our games everywhere, anywhere, at any time.
    File management isn't gameplay-and withholding save points as a way to make a game "more challenging" is just stupid.
  • elliotys, on 04/29/2008, -5/+5As far as I am concerned, they have just effectively added 7 worthwhile commandments to the ten lame ones.
    • ahawks, on 04/29/2008, -7/+9say what you will about religion, but you have to admit most of the 10 commandments are pretty good rules for everyone.
      - don't worship false idols (careful who you idolize / model yourself after)
      - take a day of rest every week (work 7 days a week would suck, right?)
      - honor your parents
      - don't steal
      - don't murder
      - don't adulter
      - don't bear false witness (no lying in court)
      - don't covet neighbor's house
      - don't covet neighbor's wife

      Well, that's 9 out of 10 that everyone would probably be better off following. The only useless one really is not using his name in vain.
      • elliotys, on 04/30/2008, -1/+2I knew not to steal, murder, etc. . . without ever hearing the ten commandments. They are like an Idiots Guide to Morality.
        • zakatov, on 04/30/2008, -0/+4That's why only idiots need to be told that they are always being watched and threatened with imaginary punishment if they disobey
  • Borgcube636, on 04/29/2008, -9/+2#8: Thou Shalt Not Kill: *****, now we can only play Hello Kitty Online.
    • ericrous, on 04/29/2008, -1/+4Videogames are about doing things I *can't* do in real-life. I like going on murderous rampages, flying, and piloting spaceships because i *can* do that in a videogame. Giving up killing would make videogames more like real-life. And real-life is ***** BORING!
  • FENWAYFREAK, on 04/29/2008, -0/+12All good rules for a game to follow. The most important has to be number 2. I am sick of tired of buying games, playing them, then within 30 minutes realized about 30 things the devs screwed up on. Do people even test games anymore? Or do they just say, I'm done, see ya when this terrible sequel that is bound to make lots of money comes out.
  • sagat, on 04/29/2008, -16/+13That was 7 pages leading up to a Nintendo wankfest if I'm not mistaken.
    • YellowSnowDemon, on 04/29/2008, -3/+6Curse them for making good games!
  • Lubinski, on 04/29/2008, -13/+1buried for the fckin pages.
  • Dralite, on 04/29/2008, -3/+9oh... so are these the Crack-ed commandments?... anyone get the connection? No... OK Dig down...
    • dunnylovehun, on 04/29/2008, -1/+3Yes! Biggie reference! They should have totally used that...
  • krogothwolf, on 04/29/2008, -15/+1What is he talking about with the 122nd Star for Galaxy?
  • sentinel106, on 04/29/2008, -6/+2Thout shalt not post rickrolling links
  • OGla, on 04/29/2008, -1/+15Damn you Final Fantasy laughing clip, you scary!
    • Texmurphy01, on 04/29/2008, -0/+9I cringe every time I see that.
      • Adamlite, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1Great game, nearly unforgivable scene.
  • thrallie, on 04/29/2008, -5/+10Wow. I have never seen a gaming article that found a way to bash PC Gaming on every page. It got so ridiculous towards the end it makes me think the author has some sort of resentment towards his PC. It's not the PC Gaming industries fault you can't install the latest drivers.
    • HtomSirveaux, on 04/29/2008, -1/+4I'm glad some one else seemed to notice this obvious console-fanboy article.
    • lamiaconfitor, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1towards the end? the whole article is bs from word one, knocking Oblivion and HL2? what the hell do these people find as fun? just guitar hero and Wii Bowling?
  • warispeace21, on 04/29/2008, -1/+5"CPU-controlled squad teammates."
    Acutally, Rainbow Six Vegas had really good teammate AI. Guess they didn't play that one.
  • baddriver, on 04/29/2008, -1/+11"This is like selling us an L-shaped condom. You know damned well what we've got to work with here." Brilliant
    • crashingechelon, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2Well some of us have problems.
  • ahawks, on 04/29/2008, -4/+16Corollary to #7 "Thou shalt let us play your game with real-life friends."
    Thou shalt not make party game content unlocked only through single player missions"

    Guess what, when I bring mario kart, or guitar hero, or smash bros, or any other party game over to a friend's, we just want to party. And that means enjoying ALL of the game.
    • Texmurphy01, on 04/29/2008, -0/+2Yahtzee? Is that you?
    • ahawks, on 04/29/2008, -0/+2Nope but I was definitely thinking of his review of SSBB when I wrote that comment.
  • Portezbie, on 04/29/2008, -3/+3good article
  • paulysan, on 04/29/2008, -13/+3This article sucks. I am sorry, but some of these are what make these games so darn fun. I loved the long treks in Half Life 2, and some of the starting weapons (such as the crowbar from the previously mentioned game and the Wrench from Bioshock) are some of the most nostalgic and remember able weapons of the game. Hell, every time I pick up a wrench I feel like whacking away at a splicer.
  • anselm83, on 04/29/2008, -4/+4Cracked.com lacks every virtue except one: that of being almost always correct.
  • Foenetik, on 04/29/2008, -2/+6what was with the bashing of VALVe??? also, EA released the OB on PS3....
    • shimishurri, on 04/30/2008, -0/+2He didn'y "bash" Valve anymore that he did anyone else. He even mentions Portal as being a great game, Valve as being a company that cares about costumers, and uses a "you too?" expression because, you know, no one expects Valve to fail at anything.
    • cnot3, on 04/30/2008, -0/+1He seemed very anti-PC gaming, and Valve is one of the few companies that focuses first and foremost on the PC. I don't know what constitutes a perfect (or near perfect) game if Half-life 2 doesn't.
  • Wintermute426, on 04/29/2008, -0/+9Dugg for the section on escort missions alone. While none have come close to the annoyance factor of Wing Commander's, they're still pretty bad.

    Take Bully, for example. When I'm supposed to be escorting some cowardly nerd to the library and he's rushing into fights before me, you know there's a problem.
  • renski13, on 04/29/2008, -1/+8Lovely article. I will never get enough of grizzled space marines though. It's too much fun to be a bonehead with big muscles and a high tech suit of armor.
  • mohsenxp, on 04/29/2008, -1/+7Agree 110% with the multiplayer thing.
    I'm a big gamer, but I actually have a life. My friends are actually people I know and socialise with. I don't have a single 'online' friend (aww) so I'm pretty lonely in alot of games that boast great multiplayer!
    Perhaps I should bite the bullet and start making me some Youtube amigos.
    • HtomSirveaux, on 04/30/2008, -2/+2Getting a mic and/or downloading Team Speak or Ventrilo is not that hard.
  • stonklit, on 04/29/2008, -0/+5I can't be bothered with 7 pages.

    But here's one: stop putting in ***** busy work.

    I don't feel like collecting 30 flags in each area, or 500 agility orbs and 300 hidden orbs. I don't wanna tag 50 mysteriously hidden spots, or collect 100 ***** whatever just to get achievements.

    IT'S NOT FUN. STOP IT.
    • isunktheship, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1Amen brother!
    • SSCrow, on 04/29/2008, -0/+1Then don't. Achievements are optional.
      If you wanted to do those then you would be rewarded with an achievement. At least there is the option for that. Look at the PS3 Assassins Creed. You collect all the flags and you get NOTHING.
      • stonklit, on 04/30/2008, -0/+0I understand optional achievements, but I'm speaking in terms of "busy work" additions. Scouring vast maps that would take literally months even if you played every day. Unless you used a guide to find them, but then what's the point of the devs adding them if you'll just resort to a guide? That type of thing.

        There's certain achievements like "Kill 120 enemies without dying" or "Do a wheelie for 300 feet/yards/whatever", or COD4's "Beat the cargo ship mock in less than 20 seconds" - things that are out of the ordinary, but actually challenging that would actually be enjoyable to do. Those are optional, but cool in the sense it's something to work for here and there.

        The laptops in COD4 are tolerable. They aren't too obnoxious to find - usually on obvious spots on desks or some corner of a map. It's not like a huge world/city.

        But if you're a completionist and want to snag 100% in a game, it almost ALWAYS resorts to some obnoxiously hidden item that really has nothing at all to do with the game whatsoever.
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