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115 Comments
- IAmTheGuy, on 03/14/2009, -0/+61He likes Alton Brown! I like Alton Brown! I guess I have to digg this.
- serif69, on 03/13/2009, -0/+58Normally I hate having to click through so many pages, but I like Bordain and gladly clicked through all this just to see what he had to say. And he didn't disappoint:
"All you have to do is waddle into the kitchen, open a can of crap and spread it on some other crap that you bought at the supermarket... It's a war crime on television. You'll scream." - fluidfoundation, on 03/13/2009, -0/+28egg slut.
- Lacrossedragon, on 03/14/2009, -1/+28AB's the man
- healingcommoner, on 03/14/2009, -0/+25Anthony Bourdain - guest blogging somewhere his real feelings about the Food Network
February 08, 2007
Guest Blogging: A Bourdain Throwdown
NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT……
By Anthony Bourdain
I actually WATCH Food Network now and again, more often than not drawn in by the progressive horrors on screen. I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion. Mesmerized at the ascent of the Ready-Made bobblehead personalities, and the not-so-subtle shunting aside of the Old School chefs, I find myself de-constructing the not-terrible shows, imagining behind the scenes struggles and frustrations, and obsessing unhealthily on the Truly Awful ones. Screaming out loud at Sandra Lee in disbelief as she massacres another dish, then sits grinning, her face stretched into a terrifying rictus of faux cheer for the final triumphant presentation. I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.
Some thoughts on the Newer, Younger, More Male-Oriented, More Dumb-Ass Food Network:
ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He's smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I'll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!
EMERIL: I'm actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He's STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I've gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I've given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is--in fact--a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show-- compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I'm sure they're growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I'm just glad he's still there--a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.
BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby's strong "negatives" among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill--or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, "I beat Bobby Flay at makin' barbeque!" at the heart-warming end of show--before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern "Chili Face-Off." Now…does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can't make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don't. It's a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on "Dunk Bozo" or "Shoot The Geek," at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay's previous TV efforts, I find the network's misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs--by driving Bobby to quit--or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he's a successful businessman and a good chef--and he doesn't, after all, need this *****.
MARIO!
Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he's capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!
THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He's got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he's really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it's that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I'm interested but…I mean...it's like construction going on over there from what we're told and shown. One suspects that the producers don't want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on "Food" Network. I mean...what's in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it's the only "kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face" hopeful they've managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a "Tailgate Special" with the usual suspects. Or a "Thanksgiving Special" where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it's still probably the best new project they've come up with in a long, long time.
GIADA: What's going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she's likeable, knows what she's doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you'd actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass "Best Of" and "40 Dollar a Day" formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She's good at it.
RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It's like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can't cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She's selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She's a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that "Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!" Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, "Hell…I could do that. I ain't gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where's my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?" Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. "You're doing just fine. You don't even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep…."
PAULA DEEN: I'm reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I'd like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, "Female Trouble." Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it's all over.
SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What's the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.
AND FINALLY: Some IRON CHEF AMERICA match-ups I'd REALLY like to see:
* Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back--and drunk) vs. Regina Schrambling
* Michael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani-- in a Charcuterie Challenge
* Grant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his own
* Marco Pierre White vs. Gordon Ramsay
* Charlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)
* Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)
* Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)
* Ducasse vs. Robuchon
* "Mikey" from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee
Video Gold! - bonk2k, on 03/14/2009, -1/+25What the ***** is up with hitting the "more" button to read the article? No, I don't actually want to read the article I came here to read msn, thank you for hiding it.
- akchrs, on 03/14/2009, -0/+23Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmern, Man VS Food guy, that's all I watch on TV anymore.
- CyclonusRIP, on 03/14/2009, -0/+22http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we2iWTJqo98
The Kwanzaa Cake thing he references. Pretty amazing this was actually a serious attempt at making a cake, let alone broadcast on TV. - voldron, on 03/13/2009, -2/+24Anothony is the kind of guy you could sit down at a casual dinner and have it turn in to a 2 hour culinary adventure.
- Frankyfan3, on 03/14/2009, -0/+18On Iron Chef America:
"The show gets really good chefs to go on there, and to have them judged by the likes of Mo Rocca makes me want to vomit in my mouth." - serif69, on 03/14/2009, -0/+13"Great food" is a relative term when it comes to Zimmern.
- smackieattk, on 03/14/2009, -0/+12I saw an episode recently where he traveled to Korea with his Korean-American assistant. She was so cute.
- copernic, on 03/14/2009, -0/+10Focus groups have shown that the audience wants more snarkyness, not this happy, non-smoking Bourdain.
- zervoslives, on 03/14/2009, -0/+9"I saw him make paella once on a TV show; he's been dead to me ever since."
Awesome. - serif69, on 03/14/2009, -1/+10You say that as if it's a bad thing.
- enantiodromia, on 03/14/2009, -0/+9one of the best book I have ever read is "A Cooks Tour", where Bourdain travels around the world eating weird and random cuisine.
- Frankyfan3, on 03/14/2009, -0/+8"The most terrifying thing I've seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don't burst into flames. It's a war crime on television. You'll scream."
"Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we2iWTJqo98 - AshsToAshs, on 03/14/2009, -0/+8Id give anything to have this mans job
- Pentatonic, on 03/14/2009, -1/+9Bordain and Zimmern have one of the best jobs on the planet- get paid to travel and eat great food.
- LilJimmyNordin, on 03/14/2009, -0/+7Hell's Kitchen is the LEAST of all the Gordon Ramsay shows. It's still pretty good, but Kitchen Nightmares (UK and US), and The F Word (UK) are far, FAR better. Hell's Kitchen, with its over-editing, over-dramatized music and phony characters (the gay party planner, for instance) is more cooked up than anything that those diners are eating.
- spacebuddy, on 03/14/2009, -0/+7This guy is super cool.
- zydeco, on 03/14/2009, -0/+7[citation needed]
- opensourcer, on 03/14/2009, -0/+7why is her set not a walmart?
- gidgie, on 03/14/2009, -0/+6I thought her Hanukkah cake was equally disgusting and offensive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6X7hYQugKg - mborys88, on 03/14/2009, -0/+6And a drinking competition.
- inactive, on 03/14/2009, -0/+6I'd like to know what he thinks of America's Test Kitchen. I like that and Good Eats because of the in depth explanations they give as to the whys of cooking, not just the how to.
- AndrewDB, on 03/14/2009, -1/+7Wrong. Good Eats is.
- whatupdoc18, on 03/14/2009, -0/+6yeah i'll digg that
- MadOgre, on 03/14/2009, -1/+7Tony kicks ass. Especially that weird Scottish guy's ass.
- omnithought, on 03/14/2009, -2/+8He was far too kind to Rachel Ray. She is everything that's wrong with foodie TV.
I keep throwing this idea out there for anyone with the ambition, money and influence to take and run with:
A new channel, Chef TV. Like TechTV was for computers, Chef TV could be for cooking. Teach people knife skills, flavor mixing, how to train their palate, and show real skills in action. Of course, it's no substitute for actual training, but at least provide more substance than a contest on who can throw pizza dough the highest. - L33tmaster, on 03/14/2009, -0/+5I really recommend Kitchen Confidential for anyone who hasn't read it. It's damn funny and a good look into the seedier side of the cooking world.
- HigherLogic, on 03/14/2009, -0/+5I love AB! (just realized that works for both Anthony Bourdain and Alton Brown)
- Grazzit, on 03/14/2009, -0/+5He watered down alot of his opinions, any of his fans know just how much he despises Rachel Ray. Hell he even compliments emril "The Ewok" who he's been slinging mud at as long as I've know about him. Kind of surprised they didn't have him complimenting Bobby Flay in there.
- Grazzit, on 03/14/2009, -0/+5She does some extremely poor attempts at cooking but yeah I think he might be right on that that's about as low as you can possibly go.
- piznut, on 03/14/2009, -0/+5Great article. I have a short attention span but I got through this...wanting more.
Tony Bourdain always struck me as extremely informed, with good taste, genuine and critical..These are things I like in people regardless of their background.
How the hell do I transition from Software Development to chef...ahh! - shiftkgb, on 03/14/2009, -0/+5The History channel has a show called "American Eats" which is really cool, they need to do more episodes.
- BigBlitz, on 03/14/2009, -1/+5Did this really need to spread over 18 pages?
- weazal, on 03/14/2009, -0/+4Oh, I'll second America's Test Kitchen! It's like the Consumer Reports of cooking shows! I love the intensity and lab-like precision that goes into making the "perfect" version of each dish. Add to it the equipment reviews, and that it's on PBS/local broadcasting you just can't lose!
- mrgarci1, on 03/14/2009, -3/+7Buried for having to look at huge photos just to get a tiny paragraph of text. Why does every editor on the web seem to have completely forgotten what an "article" is?
- NozE8, on 03/14/2009, -0/+4The way I understand it is that he based his early career on bashing Emeril until he actually met the guy. He found that Emeril is likable guy. Ever since then Ive noticed that he has toned down the Emeril bashing except he still, and rightfully so, hates his shows.
- bdbr, on 03/14/2009, -0/+4Sheesh, I'm no fan of hers (her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard), but there's no reason to be such an *****. Buried.
- snapcase, on 03/14/2009, -0/+4Good Eats is my favorite food show because of how much information Alton gives you each and every episode. No Reservations is my second favorite food show. It's kinda cool to see that Bourdain likes the show too.
Oh, and Bizarre Foods would come in third on my list. Really the only food shows I bother watching. (since they stopped doing old reruns of A Cook's Tour) - dignan2681, on 03/14/2009, -0/+4That is offensive on so many levels.
- CarolJude, on 03/14/2009, -0/+4Spot on about everything. I love Bourdain - even his novels are entertaining reads!
Mo Rocca - WORD!
Plus, he's a gentleman. What he DIDN'T say about Paula Deen any fan of his can probably come up with in their own mind...
His Egypt show last year blew, though. - nzBeans, on 03/14/2009, -3/+7I want to digg this, but having to click 16 times to see if Alton Brown is on the list made me bury it instead.
- kingofinternet, on 03/14/2009, -0/+3'spain on the road again' really does suck horribly. watching gwyneth paltrow actually makes me pity chris martin.
- TomGfromCanada, on 03/14/2009, -0/+3Anthony Bourdain has become my new favorite cook/tv personality of late. Bourdain, Ramsay, Oliver, Brown
- AmandaQ, on 03/14/2009, -0/+3Add me to the list of Bourdain fans. He's such a cool guy.
- blix797, on 03/14/2009, -0/+3loud, obnoxious sounding, and doesn't do a whole lot of cooking.
- Xviper78, on 03/14/2009, -0/+3Andrew Zimmern is just annoying. There is no way he can like all the disgusting ***** he puts in his mouth hole.
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