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How to Use Toilet Paper

mentalfloss.com — Certain aspects of human life are simultaneously private and universal — everyone experiences the same stuff privately and almost no one talks about it. I was amazed to discover that serious thought has gone into the challenges presented by toilet paper. Here are a few examples.

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  • VladislavIII, on 03/22/2008, -14/+6Very nice, now print article on how to use moss and leaves for camping trip. And recommendations regarding the use or avoidance of stinging nettle and devil's club.
    • dustysquareback, on 03/22/2008, -0/+1Smooth rock > moss. No joke.
    • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -1/+1"devil's club"
      -- you are concerned about getting anally raped during a camping trip!?!?!?!?
  • Visarga, on 03/22/2008, -2/+78Japanese electronic toilets - the way of the future. Until you've sat on one, you can't imagine. It's like sex. No matter how much you hear about it, you need to do it to really understand.
    • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -21/+2I really hope that the period after "It's like sex" should/could be replaced by a semicolon and that the toilet sexually pleasuring you is not one of your points in favor of them.
      • sarixe, on 03/22/2008, -0/+17you'd be wrong.
      • jaalin, on 03/22/2008, -1/+1the only time you've gotten ass is when your finger poked through the toilet paper
    • Namakemono, on 03/22/2008, -0/+41I concur. I'll never forget my first time. It was a cold December morning and I was staying at a friends house in Yokohama who had one of these beauties. I slowly inched down on the toilet seat dreading the coldness which I knew would be accentuated by the fact that I was already shivering. But to my surprise, when my ass hit the seat, it was WARM! And when I finished, my poopshooter was rinsed with warm water. What a wonderful contraption. It is a travesty that these things are not in every home in America.
      • diggdowner, on 03/22/2008, -0/+19Alright, I'll cave....

        Where's the best place to get one here in the States?
      • Namakemono, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2Believe it or not, there is a Japanese store (Marukai) literally less than a mile away from me that sells them. But I live in an apartment so I'm not sure that I could have one.
    • stevenbrown, on 03/22/2008, -1/+24Lots of 9 year olds appear to like folding better
    • gak001, on 03/22/2008, -0/+17I recall my first time like it was yesterday in spite of being nearly 8 years ago. I was in a park in Sano City and after doing my business I noticed a panel of buttons to my right. One button showed wavy lines and I thought I'd try it out. Well, I heard a whirring noise and was surprised to receive a short blast of cold water that sent me flying in the air. I learned not to push random buttons after that.
    • Asianwaste, on 03/22/2008, -0/+7Ass warmers are great. I wanted one to bring back to the states with me, but they still cost like $300 for a home model.
    • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -0/+4Cool thing is I can use it as my "magazine reading throne" and due to the water jets being my friends my ass will not dry out and crust.
      Basically - I can open and relax ALL orifices as I read this month's issue of Wired!!!11!!
    • Spoomeister, on 03/23/2008, -1/+2If to you, a simile for using a toilet is "it's like sex", you'e doing one of those 2 things very, very wrong.
      • MadOtaku, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1Or possible just one very, very right.
  • annjay, on 03/22/2008, -26/+1Interesting!
    • DiggLive, on 03/22/2008, -0/+15I can't say the same for your comment.
  • SeaweedWater, on 03/22/2008, -33/+15Crumple FTW!
    • Mizzike, on 03/22/2008, -13/+6I prefer the Frumple: Fold, then crumple.
    • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -4/+19Crumple is disgusting; there is no way to predict the minimum thickness of a non-uniform crumple and that's the whole point of toilet paper! Making sure you have a good barrier is essential and crumpling comes up short in that department (with NO advantages other than maybe being slightly faster).
      • bagelmaster, on 03/22/2008, -8/+3Folding can be just as disgusting if you reuse it. Seriously, that's horrible if anyone actually does that. That's like picking up your own ***** in your bare hands.
        • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6I'm opposed to reusing too. I think it's all filth.
        • diggcensored, on 03/22/2008, -0/+7This is why you wash your hands with soap after ***** reguardless of whether you crumple or fold..
    • JustinBaglo, on 03/22/2008, -2/+3You disgust me.
    • bowe, on 03/22/2008, -4/+4My sister has a very strange method. She envelopes her 4 fingers in toilet paper so that her hand is folded into the paper. She then slips the paper off from her hand without touching it. She pretty much wraps her hand like a mummy to wipe her ass.
      • Lighthater, on 03/22/2008, -0/+43How do you know this?!
        • bowe, on 03/22/2008, -0/+11It came to light when when my Dad was trying to find the source of the dwindling toilet paper supply. My Dad is a fold and reuser and he was shocked to find the methodology of the other people in the household. My brother is a crumpler, I'm a folder with no reuse.
          • nymphetamine, on 03/22/2008, -1/+12Was there some family reunion where you guys talked about this?
          • bowe, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6I think my Dad was just mad about being a few squares short one day. He said something like, "Why do you guys go through toilet paper so fast, I just bought that roll! Don't you know you're supposed to fold it and reuse it?!" My sister and brother than went on to explain that they didn't wipe that way. lol, I have no idea why I remember this.
          • Icyfenix, on 03/22/2008, -1/+5Actually that's most girls. Have you heard the "beehive" joke by jeff foxworthy? most of us do the hand wrap with no reuse- this is to deal with the arguably nastier stuff that comes out of us.
          • derek20cali, on 03/22/2008, -1/+11Girls don't poop.
    • pooptaster, on 03/22/2008, -14/+8I don't know why you're being dugg down. I crumple, and only total fags fold. I have never got poo on my own hands, so I don't know where these people get the idea that this happens.
      • Namakemono, on 03/22/2008, -2/+13Buried for saying you never got poo on your hands. I mean, come on, even the best of us miss sometimes.
      • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -0/+25Your name is "pooptaster". I don't think I'll take any hygiene tips from you.
    • ligyron, on 03/22/2008, -1/+1I've been known to do the miniature roll-around and inside out folded semi-crumple with spit to finish things off
    • Asianwaste, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2I prefer to call it a snow ball.
      • ileftfark, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2I don't think that word means what you think it means.
        • Asianwaste, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1I know it's other meanings. It can have more than one.
  • rpi22, on 03/22/2008, -8/+6Just don't try to recycle it!
  • TheFamousOne2, on 03/22/2008, -11/+51I wonder what the ratio of between-the-legs-and-under wiper vs the reach-around wiper would be? Ive always wiped between the legs. My buddy things Id get poo on my sack, but Ive yet have that happen, even after burrito tuesdays.
    • redwritinghood, on 03/22/2008, -13/+2Three letters: T. M. I. Ugh!
    • chrispr, on 03/22/2008, -2/+21Three letters: N. E. I.
    • TheFamousOne2, on 03/22/2008, -7/+1Three Letters: S. M. C.
    • scoutxxor, on 03/22/2008, -2/+23Three letters L. O. L.
    • plr4ever, on 03/22/2008, -6/+2Three Letters: HUH?
    • DiggLive, on 03/22/2008, -2/+10I personally lean all the way forward, like trying to grab my ankles, and my chest is almost touching my knees. Then I do the ol' reach around and keep digging (ha!) in deep, folding, repeat, until nothing gets on the paper anymore. Then I usually wet a new bunch with water from the faucet and repeat. The thought of only dry wiping makes me sick, haha. It's been a habit of mine for a very long time.
      • Cerebron, on 03/22/2008, -0/+9You don't use alcohol and a cotton swap? Imagine all of the dingleberries you are cultivating!
      • hollyminkowski, on 03/23/2008, -0/+4That's a good routine...very tidy..
        I suggest keeping a plastic container of baby-wipes at hand and using them...much nicer since
        they do not shred when wet like paper tends to do.
        I have a bidet at home but carry wipes in a baggie in my purse.
      • TKNSSF, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1I have the same routine. Though in the past few years I've been skipping the wipe with warm water, in place of toilet paper with a dab of liquid soap in the middle. When I'm at home though I skip all this in favour of a quick 5 minute shower. 99% of my sessions happen are at home, I don't use public toilets. You can't claim to be really clean if all your doing it dry wiping.

        Way too much info but I thought I'd chime in anyways.
        • teh_techie, on 03/23/2008, -1/+1You should just get a garburator installed as your shower drain so you don't have to waste time sitting on the toilet and wiping...

          I couldn't imagine taking the time to have a shower every time I *****!
    • MacBandit, on 03/22/2008, -6/+1You're all buried for over use of three letters.
    • hollyminkowski, on 03/23/2008, -0/+2Well, little girls are always taught to wipe between the legs when you pee and from behind when you poop.
      If you mix them up you will get an infection in a bad spot :-(
      (if you do both then yes...you need 2 pieces)

      For guys I suppose all you would get is messy and stinky if wiping between the legs.

      Do guys use a bit of paper when they pee????? or is it just 'rode hard and put away wet' ?
      • Ahnteis, on 03/23/2008, -0/+14Shake to dry.
      • teh_techie, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1Couple shakes... that's it. They don't exactly have toilet paper dispenses beside urinals. That just wouldn't work out that well.

        Besides, pee is sterile anyways.
      • dlodewyk, on 03/25/2008, -0/+0Shake. Sometimes dab, only while on date. Got to make it as appealing as possible.
    • BeyondGoodNEvil, on 03/23/2008, -4/+1Three letters: ***** YOU ALL, IT STOPPED BEING FUNNY AFTER N.E.I.
  • DeadFox1, on 03/22/2008, -2/+43How many squares do YOU use?
    • johnlandes, on 03/22/2008, -9/+391 up
      1 down
      1 to polish
      • Braxo, on 03/22/2008, -2/+131That is why you smell like poop.
        • consoneo, on 03/22/2008, -1/+15This thread has made me laugh in a lot of spots... but this is where I laughed the hardest. Thanks :)
      • enormousdave, on 03/22/2008, -0/+0Red Dwarf! Wahay!
      • airstrike, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1'polish' was pure genius.
    • TheFraction, on 03/22/2008, -6/+167How some people only use one square amazes me. I use like 40.
      • madwh, on 03/22/2008, -0/+54I use 40 too but don't forget to spread the legs for a clear launch so that you don't have to use that much. It is scientifically proven and I also throw some paper in the toilet before unloading the ***** so that the water mixed with ***** doesn't spray my ass every time I use the toilet.
        • DeskFlyer, on 03/22/2008, -3/+56What the hell have you been eating?
        • DiggLive, on 03/22/2008, -0/+39Oh man, I feel you there. I hate when it splashes on the asshole, lmao.
        • ElbertF, on 03/22/2008, -0/+3Hmm in flat designs it could help against skitmarks. That's brilliant, gonna try that next time.
        • teh_techie, on 03/23/2008, -0/+2***** is never pleasant. Especially when it's pee-*****-splash... ugh
      • ligyron, on 03/22/2008, -9/+4That's just wasting. You could easily get away with like 5 squares. That's typically what I use. If that doesn't do the job, go back for another 5 squares. I normally don't use anymore than 5 squares unless my ass hole decides to close before it all got out. *****
      • qwertycopter, on 03/22/2008, -2/+5You can't spare one square?
    • over900000, on 03/22/2008, -25/+50Who the ***** crumples their toilet paper???
      • muniak, on 03/22/2008, -5/+39...me. >,>
      • nonymous666, on 03/22/2008, -11/+64Who the ***** folds it like they're a Gap employee?
      • teh_techie, on 03/23/2008, -1/+1I'm positive that you could wipe your ass until you THINK it's clean with a crumpled ball, then take about 10 squares and fold it up. Wipe again and you'll be SHOCKED AND AMAZED to discover there's still ***** there!

        Folding results in a cleaner ass!
    • DeskFlyer, on 03/22/2008, -4/+20Just one but I use both sides.

      /ycdtot
    • plr4ever, on 03/22/2008, -2/+44Can you spare ONE square?
      • ancalagon73, on 03/22/2008, -2/+30Sorry, but I haven't a square to spare.
        • dcollins, on 03/22/2008, -2/+17Oh is it two-ply? cause if it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply.
      • plun9, on 03/22/2008, -1/+0I can't square a spare.
    • bjs3171, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2like...20? maybe 16 for 2 ply.
    • plun9, on 03/22/2008, -1/+23 stacks of 3 unless the brown is abnormal.
    • iindigo, on 03/24/2008, -0/+1Over 9,000 squares, of course.

  • hollywoodphony, on 03/22/2008, -27/+16Folding?? It's not a beach blanket. This isn't sand you're trying to not get on your legs! Gross!
    • wrillo, on 03/22/2008, -5/+20from your current rating of -6 diggs, I would say most diggers are folders
      • hollywoodphony, on 03/22/2008, -5/+9I guess so. Who knew I would touch such a nerve? But there's one thing I didn't touch: my own feces.
      • Asianwaste, on 03/22/2008, -2/+2I used to fold, but folding tends to roll... and sometimes, this is sick now, the top layer will cling on. If you're not paying attention and drop it right away, you've got a wet dangling, ***** stained, strands of toilet paper for a tail. Nah, I prefer the quickness and control of a well crafted snow ball.
        • teh_techie, on 03/23/2008, -1/+2You apparently prefer to put your ass away still ***** then too...
    • pooptaster, on 03/22/2008, -5/+10I dugg you up because crumpling is superior.
  • ufia, on 03/22/2008, -1/+32So that is how you use toilet paper? I've been doing it wrong for so many years.
  • mwilkinson, on 03/22/2008, -13/+26This link smells like *****....
  • BoyWithBigHands, on 03/22/2008, -15/+167Ahhh, MrBabyMan...within 12 hours you get both "how to use toilet paper" and a picture of a fish promoted to the front page.

    Get a life and stop ruining digg with your "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" approach.
    • dcollins, on 03/22/2008, -2/+36Power diggers ruin Digg. It defeats the entire purpose.
      • GoldYoshi, on 03/22/2008, -0/+10Agreed. I had my story of the 35W bridge collapse on digg half an hour before this other guy did. Guess who got front page.
    • qwertycopter, on 03/22/2008, -3/+31Experiment:
      MrBabyMan is a pile of crap with too much time on his hands and poisons the digg community with stupid stories.
      • jeffchuck, on 03/22/2008, -2/+19What's the experiment, exactly?
        • qwertycopter, on 03/23/2008, -0/+9Will I get dugg up just for posting a generic negative comment about MrBabyMan?
    • adrianmonk, on 03/23/2008, -0/+17"throw everything at the wall and see what sticks". Wow, what an appropriate analogy for this particular topic.
    • vinecrawler, on 03/23/2008, -6/+2the fact that not only do you know who he is, but you also know what stories he has submitted with the past 12 hours leads me to believe you aren't in the position to tell him to get a life.
    • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -1/+1@ BoyWithBigHands

      "Get a life and stop ruining digg with your "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" approach.

      My favorite Chinese book is
      Brown Stains on the Wall by Who Flung Poo
    • almightyzam, on 03/24/2008, -0/+1MrBabyMan is Kevin Rose's bitch...
      it's the only conclusion
  • krusader3z, on 03/22/2008, -16/+133When I take a poop, it's like someone dropped an M80 in a batch of brownie batter.

    I go through half a roll "scooping" the sludge from my butt.
    • laserblazer, on 03/22/2008, -4/+72Your diet is terrible, then. Fix it before it kills you.
      • krusader3z, on 03/22/2008, -4/+35I suspect the culprit is the massive amounts of old style I drink on a nightly basis.

        Sometimes the poops get so bad that I go out and buy a box of frosted mini wheats and eat the entire thing to try and straighten things out..
        • bromac, on 03/22/2008, -4/+27There's such a thing as too much fiber. In your case...please talk to a doctor about it instead tormenting us in Digg comments. We have to eat too.
        • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -1/+3@ krusader3z
          don't give up 'till you ***** blood - DON'T LET THE TERRORISTS WIN!!!
    • jtizzle, on 03/22/2008, -4/+151I logged in via an insecure wireless connection in Iraq just to digg this comment up.
      • bjs3171, on 03/22/2008, -1/+27really?
      • doublsh0t, on 03/22/2008, -9/+4I don't think computer networks have psychological problems, body image issues, or challenges with insecurity. A computer network can be described as either secure or unsecure, but not insecure.
        • adrianmonk, on 03/23/2008, -0/+6I used a computer network to look up the definition of "insecure", and it seems to be the case that that's a perfectly good word to use when describing a lack of security. m-w.com gives as one of the definitions the words "not adequately guarded or sustained" and has the example of "an insecure investment".
        • lickmylovepump, on 03/23/2008, -0/+5you're pretty much a douche bag.
    • ageeksgirl08, on 03/22/2008, -0/+36Thanks for that mental image....
      • inverselogic, on 03/23/2008, -2/+0believe it or not i spat milk out of my nose that had browni backwash in it...
    • tlo182, on 03/22/2008, -4/+28I was eating when I had the misfortune of clicking on this story and reading the above comment.

      I now need a new keyboard, this one is all barfy.
      • aristotle0dude, on 03/22/2008, -0/+18Dude, you have one weak stomach. Nothing can phase me out of eating.
        • foolonthehill, on 03/22/2008, -0/+22... That sounds like a challenge. One I think the internet would be up to.
        • morguth, on 03/23/2008, -0/+12girls1cup while you're eating? BME Pain Olympics?
        • iindigo, on 03/24/2008, -0/+1How about 2girls1cup... except the girls are two Hillarys.

      • TomRemixed, on 03/22/2008, -0/+4Mmmm... brownies.
    • dcollins, on 03/22/2008, -1/+10I just threw up in my mouth a little.
    • dustin32, on 03/22/2008, -0/+9You stole that comment from somebody in the comments about Shrely Crow (however you spell it) and only using 1 sheet per visit. It was one of the best (and the most dugg) comment of all time.
    • brockpetrie, on 03/22/2008, -1/+20by nixonrichard on 04/23/2007 (+1527 diggs)
      "I would be glad to let Sheryl Crow try to wipe my ass with just one square of toilet paper. Not all of us have dainty little poopers like her. When I take a dump I WRECK the toilet. It's not some delicate process which leaves only a small speck of feces on the corner of my anus. It's like a freaking M-80 detonated in a bowl of brownie batter. So, please, by all means, TRY to wipe my ass with one square Sheryl . . . I'll be more than happy to sit naked on your new white couch afterwards."

      http://digg.com/politics/Sheryl_Crow_Suggests_Limi ...
      dustin32 nailed it. Nice comment dupe...
    • Lane, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1is it sad that I too remembered that comment? I need to get out more...
    • KingGorilla, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1An m80 in brownie batter sounds delicious
  • gene1102, on 03/22/2008, -2/+13and the ultimate question: you wipe down, or wipe up first?
    • MellerTime, on 03/22/2008, -0/+15Up... But what about that endless debate: which direction should the toilet paper roll - over the top, or underneath?
      • bsmang, on 03/22/2008, -1/+16I agree, Up. And, over the top, definitely.
      • chops61636, on 03/22/2008, -7/+2Definitely over the top. I can't stand it when people put it underneath (that's what she said).
        • VegaObscura3, on 03/22/2008, -1/+13You're not allowed to "that's what she said" your own comment!
        • jgclark123, on 03/22/2008, -2/+1That's what she said.
      • GoldYoshi, on 03/22/2008, -1/+3Sideways?
      • norcalscan, on 03/23/2008, -1/+5depends on if you have a cat or not.
      • getisboy, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1def over the top
    • bjs3171, on 03/22/2008, -0/+3down.
    • moletimer, on 03/22/2008, -0/+12Across?
    • pooptaster, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6from balls upward. I never wipe the other direction, so it's not a matter of which I do "first".
    • DiggLive, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6I've always started near the sack and then went towards the other end, while bending straight forward.

      Is there anyone here that actually stands? Man, that has to feel uncomfortable.
      • Zaeboes, on 03/22/2008, -0/+1I do. Really its all in the way you sit down to begin with. I sit down slightly off to the side of the seat and shift to the center to spread. On good days I can get away with wiping once just to reveal that I never needed to wipe at all!
      • sinembarg0, on 03/23/2008, -0/+3I stand up when wiping. for me it's less work than trying to balance
    • Cerebron, on 03/22/2008, -0/+0This guy needs to use a garden hose.
    • Tetraca, on 03/22/2008, -3/+4I'm suprised how many people here actually pay attention to how they wipe their ass.
      • HouseCentipede, on 03/23/2008, -0/+4You don't know? Something you've done thousands of times in your life? Odd.
        • Tetraca, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1It's a near autonomous action. I don't really pay attention to how I do it in detail to the point where I know where I wipe up, wipe down, whatever. You *****, you grab toilet paper, and wipe.
    • DarkSamus, on 03/23/2008, -2/+2counter clockwise
    • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -0/+3sit on repurposed shoeshine machine?
      http://www.electricshoebuffers.net/
    • getisboy, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1UP
  • Zadernet, on 03/22/2008, -5/+36fold and reuse. It's not gross providing you have proper technique and you leave enough "buffer" sheets so that the matter doesn't go through the paper on to your hand.
    • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -1/+8Or just do what I do; use less toilet paper in that pad and use several folded pads. No reusing, no wasting.
  • themutt22, on 03/22/2008, -4/+57front to back is the proper way, back to front is disgusting and barbaric
    • romistrub, on 03/22/2008, -2/+4lmao
    • cassjewelry, on 03/22/2008, -0/+19I agree, but maybe it's more important for women than men, because back to front might bring fecal matter up into the vag[very bad]
    • Xander512, on 03/23/2008, -1/+0well i agree that one should always start with front-back to avoid the sack... but in the end it is often helpful to throw in a back-front in order to ensure maximum wipeage

      the minor risk beats squirming side to side in your chair for the rest of the day
  • jjpertusch, on 03/22/2008, -6/+14i am amazed at all the crumplers. folder just seems to make more sense. of course most crumplers are in their teens... interesting.

    also, wheres the 'front to back' vs 'back to front' question, that to me was always the age old debate.
    • Braxo, on 03/22/2008, -4/+10I employ both methods.

      I start with the crumple because it has more edges that are great for 'catching and collecting' the mess. Think of the edges like little shovels that scoop the mess away.

      Then, after 2 or 3 of those, I move to the fold method going both up and down as to make sure I have gotten it all, it's easier to inspect to be sure its all gone.

      That is my perfected and preferred method.
    • Pake, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2It's all based on the type of paper. The low quality stuff businesses and schools use (very thing, easy to tear), the crumple method is best used as it avoids irritation and accidental tearing. When you get higher quality paper (the thick and soft stuff), then you use the folding method as to conserve the material since it's the good stuff.
    • anonyjames, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1Girls have to go front to back. Otherwise they can get urinary tract infections.
  • DarkLance, on 03/22/2008, -4/+26It always amazed me that people would take a large amount of TP and crumple it up to wipe themselves. Doesn't this seem like a huge waste? I can use three sheets, neatly folded and have no collateral damage (Stinky Finger). It baffles me when a friend comes over, uses the toilet and half a roll of TP.
    BTW, common military jargon is to requisition 1 roll of sand paper for personal use.
    • chrispr, on 03/22/2008, -1/+113$ toilet roll not worth the risk
    • EmperorAwesome, on 03/22/2008, -6/+3Not only that, but the odds of a finger getting through a gap in a messy crumple are much higher than a neatly folded stack spontaneously tearing through the center.
      • consoneo, on 03/22/2008, -1/+9Too much information Incoming!!

        It's taken me this far down the thread to say what I had on my mind... I don't like folds cause I've had my finger go through when I tried it, and the other times, I don't get clean enough. I can get deeper and cleaner with crumples :P

        All done ::)
  • Picaroon, on 03/22/2008, -3/+103Only MrBabyMan would need help using toilet paper
  • mrzack, on 03/22/2008, -2/+4Take it out of your wallet, wipe, throw away, repeat until clean.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cziN3gt-hic&feature ...
    • absurdist, on 03/22/2008, -2/+1Hey, buddy... you got singles for a five? (OLD joke)
    • Mootabolife, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2"Will it be a soft landing.. or a hard landing?"
  • redwritinghood, on 03/22/2008, -0/+2Delicately handled. Good job.
  • Rhodamine, on 03/22/2008, -6/+24MrBabyMan whines his way to the top AGAIN!!!
  • rjwusa, on 03/22/2008, -0/+18I had a girlfriend once, who kept a stash of crumpled toilet paper in her bra. She was of the opinion that crumpled or wadded up T.P. gave her a fuller shape than folded paper. Logically, I would have to agree, and when we were up at lookout point, we never wanted for T.P. in an emergency when one of us had to utilize the wood-line.
    • discodeathopera, on 03/22/2008, -4/+1this comment should of just ended at "i had a girlfriend once"
      • rjwusa, on 03/22/2008, -6/+1Something you wish you could truthfully say. You hate being lonely, do you?
    • WarnerK, on 03/22/2008, -1/+7You mean that's what she told you when you found her stuffing her bra? ; )
  • Cyberbladewolf, on 03/22/2008, -0/+82Forget toilet paper, I just want to know how those 3 seashells work.
    • Trollmaster, on 03/22/2008, -2/+8Hold 2 seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what's left with the third
    • Djfind, on 03/22/2008, -1/+10You, sir, win at life.
    • adikt, on 03/22/2008, -0/+15I wrote to the studio that produced the movie demanding an explanation. They never responded.
    • albinorhino101, on 03/22/2008, -1/+7The greatest movie mystery ever
    • Arcueid01, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1Dude, I have wondered about that since I saw the movie! LMFAO! I can't believe that I saw someone on here make that comment! You made my night.........hahahahhahahha
  • protodon, on 03/22/2008, -2/+4I've got my fold/crumple front to back method down but what I really want to know is how to use the three seashells!
    • 16777216, on 03/22/2008, -0/+8He doesn't know how to use the seashells!
    • gradivus, on 03/22/2008, -2/+1They are scoops. You kind of use two of them like chopsticks and scrap with the other. Personally I prefer baby wipes,me and Will Smith. Try wiping up ***** with dry paper,good luck with that.
  • tulizx, on 03/22/2008, -1/+16BABY WIPES!!
    Toilet paper is so last century!
    • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -2/+18If you're using all baby wipes you're being terribly wasteful. Use TP first if you're going to do that.
    • MellerTime, on 03/22/2008, -4/+4The French might agree with you there as well...
    • chrispr, on 03/22/2008, -3/+15That just seems gross. I don't want a wet ass while walking around.
      • MadOtaku, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6Different brands have different wetness levels. The best (imo) are almost dry and don't leave you wet at all.
      • Pritchard, on 03/22/2008, -0/+5Would you rather have pieces of crap stuck around the back of your ass?
  • emix, on 03/22/2008, -14/+8i ***** so much
    • BeyondGoodNEvil, on 03/23/2008, -0/+2Me too! Once every week at least.
  • BananaGrabber, on 03/22/2008, -4/+56What grosses me out is when I go to certain households and I enter the bathrooms, I find out they throw away the soiled toilet paper in a basket next to the toilet instead of flushing it.
    • Chaoticfist, on 03/22/2008, -3/+32WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........That has never happened to me, but if it did, i would be out of there so fast.
      • foolonthehill, on 03/22/2008, -0/+22It's common (or at least used to be) in developing countries with less sturdy residential sewer systems.
        • napsack, on 03/22/2008, -0/+13Unfortunately I have also experienced that here in NYC.
    • nepalikakro, on 03/22/2008, -1/+19They save them to fold hundreds of origami paper cranes. In all varieties of brown.
    • riskybeats, on 03/22/2008, -0/+40Why not take a ***** in the basket?
    • Hawksman, on 03/22/2008, -3/+1eeeew.......gross.!
    • jocamero, on 03/22/2008, -2/+2?? Where do you live!?
    • fusiachi, on 03/22/2008, -0/+29This is necessary in some parts of the world with underdeveloped sewage and plumbing systems. Flushing can end in disaster.
      • aladrin, on 03/22/2008, -0/+14Dunno how you managed to get dugg down on that. That's exactly why they do it. A company my father worked at had a problem with immigrants doing that in the company bathrooms. Took forever to get them to understand that it was not just okay to flush it, it was mandatory.
      • plun9, on 03/22/2008, -0/+3I don't get it. If you can flush down logs, why not paper?
        • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -1/+1poop can break up easier than large wet pieces of paper. Also, remember that their TP may be coated with wax a la Europe, etc....
          • patik, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1Europeans do not used waxed paper to wipe their asses... jesus, it's not the third world over there...
            The first part of your post had the answer.
      • Cerebron, on 03/22/2008, -0/+1Because those people crumple giant wads of typewriter quality paper I guess.
  • WSPanic201, on 03/22/2008, -1/+7hhaha..."crumplers"
  • Killmaster, on 03/22/2008, -2/+6i kind of do a hybrid action, i crumple one end for a good large hand gripping surface, then i wrap the rest around the crumple for an even wiping surface
    • rikkdbomb, on 03/22/2008, -1/+4what a waste of toilet paper.
      • gradivus, on 03/22/2008, -0/+1its cheap paper you buy to wipe ***** with,stingy people have smelly hands. Whats next,dont use the soap and water it might be wasteful?
        • Dichotomic, on 03/22/2008, -0/+1Thank you! I don't understand these people who ***** care that it's a waste of toilet paper... If you can afford the internet to comment on digg, then you can afford the toilet paper to not smell like crap.
  • Al89, on 03/22/2008, -0/+7Site crowded out. Does it bring out the difference between those who wipe sitting down and those who wipe standing up?
    • foolonthehill, on 03/22/2008, -0/+20It does not. Although I think that's one of those things where most people in each group are unaware that the other group even exists.
      • Dichotomic, on 03/22/2008, -1/+8I didn't know that sit down wipers existed until I was like 19 years old. I always wondered why the holders were so low.
        • aladrin, on 03/22/2008, -1/+10Cripes, I'm just now learning about it at 30. How is that even possible?
        • jmccrox, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1it's quite simple. just lean forward.
  • jesusthatsgreat, on 03/22/2008, -8/+3there should be some sort of campaign to ban the crumplers... they're killing the environment ;-)
  • digsuxx, on 03/22/2008, -5/+4server's has been pooped on
  • Anagrama, on 03/22/2008, -0/+58Only from the anonymous comfort of the keyboard would this many strangers talk about crap.
    • nolablu, on 03/23/2008, -0/+2I swear I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.
    • almightyzam, on 03/24/2008, -0/+1Amazingly, these types of conversations occur during my lunch...
  • ThrstForKnwldge, on 03/22/2008, -3/+23I wipe my ass with Benjamins.
    • jocamero, on 03/22/2008, -0/+11Folded or crumpled?
    • Namakemono, on 03/22/2008, -0/+13Well, considering what they're worth now...
    • BeyondGoodNEvil, on 03/23/2008, -1/+2That's right. Benjamins' brand 1-ply recycled toilet paper.
  • Shaman760, on 03/22/2008, -7/+5I hooked up a little faucer sprayer to the water supply on my toilet (in-line from the wall).
    I give a quick blast of water rather than wasting paper, and It's far cleaner all around for the environment, the bathroom, and my ass. :)
  • commenter01, on 03/22/2008, -1/+8i use my left hand.
    • chinolofus, on 03/22/2008, -0/+32i sit on my hand until its numb then i wipe. its like a stranger is doing it for me.
  • DteK, on 03/22/2008, -1/+15TP in combination with baby wipes is the way to go.
    Dry TP alone just does not get it done back there.
    Unless you wipe till you draw blood.
    • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1"Dry TP alone just does"
      - BS; relax, then 3 up and 1 deep, then down!
      (and another lightly in & down if absolutely needed)
  • lcmatt, on 03/22/2008, -1/+8Links down but Duggmirror has it.
    http://duggmirror.com/educational/How_to_Use_Toile ...
  • hypertension, on 03/22/2008, -5/+3I don't use toilet paper because I have a bidet (pronounced beh-day.) ¡Viva Costa Rica!
    • bagelmaster, on 03/22/2008, -2/+4Those things are disgusting and uncomfortable.
      • MiamiRox, on 03/23/2008, -0/+1I have to agree, getting a shot of water on my ass isn't my idea of fun.
    • jpaolini, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6I was always under the impression that people with bidets still used some TP.. :-/
      • Niightwitch, on 03/22/2008, -0/+1Yeah....what do you use to dry after the bidet gets your ass all wet?
    • Exekutor, on 03/23/2008, -0/+2On grandma's house there was one but I wiped before use it. Actually I once used it without wiping and, let me tell you, it wasn't a good idea.
  • bromac, on 03/22/2008, -3/+3After reading these comments, I've lost my appetite for the next 20 years.
  • shanester, on 03/22/2008, -2/+5i just use the three sea shells
    • nycmac247, on 03/23/2008, -2/+1Like Fred Flinstone? After he releases the bees from the "electric" shaver the then uses the clam to ...scrape?
  • capshew, on 03/22/2008, -0/+7What about leaning versus standing??? Some people stand up to wipe... It was pretty close to 50/50 of the dozen or so people that participated in the polling.
    • Niightwitch, on 03/22/2008, -0/+9Stand up to wipe... and get your cheeks all full of *****?? Sounds even messier.
      • thesonofdarwin, on 03/22/2008, -2/+7You don't squeeze your buttcheeks together when you stand...
  • bsmang, on 03/22/2008, -0/+5Who knew so many people would have so much to say about TP?!
  • rivalius13, on 03/22/2008, -0/+17Awwww no, the page is down and I REALLY needa take a *****....
  • MisterSums, on 03/22/2008, -0/+6All I'm saying is that anyone who goes from back to front is going to get poop on their balls.

    I know a guy nicknamed "Poop Nuts" for that very reason.
    • chinolofus, on 03/22/2008, -0/+15dont you mean you got nicknamed "poop nuts"?
    • Cerebron, on 03/22/2008, -0/+0There is a lot of territory to cover 'twixt the bunghole and the scrotal sack; methinks that would prevent poopnuts from occurring.
  • automidnight, on 03/22/2008, -0/+18Rule # 1 of 1: Wipe away from your junk.
  • jpaolini, on 03/22/2008, -3/+26Funniest set of comments on Digg ever.
  • amanilaenvelope, on 03/22/2008, -0/+10you know all of this comes down to one thing : what kind of ***** you just took. was it all wet and diarrhea-like or was it solid and it felt like you were pushing a goddamn big brown baby through your asshole. crumple or folding, it all depends on what you ate for breakfast,lunch, and/or dinner.
  • Trollmaster, on 03/22/2008, -1/+7toilet paper??? WTF is that?
  • insultingbozo, on 03/22/2008, -1/+6I've developed a special folding technique to maximize usage: use small pieces of approximate 3x1 dimension. For each piece, fold twice on its longer axis, wiping once each time. Then fold it once on its other axis, and wipe one last time. Let me know if anyone finds this technique useful.

    I didn't even know people crumpled their TP! I always assumed everyone folded... crumpling sounds wasteful and prone to risky errors!

    I've also put in a lot of thought into the running out of TP problem and the emergency roll. This is the solution my roommate and I came up with: make the primary roll really nice (extra soft, where it feels really nice to wipe), and the emergency roll really crappy (very thin, where you worry about ripping during the wipe). Since no one likes to use the emergency roll (but will use it if required), he or she will usually make an effort of replacing the primary roll before the emergency one runs out (in which case we can replace the emergency roll before that completely happens).

    During the past year, we only had to replace the emergency roll once.

    No one likes sandpaper rolls.
    • Cerebron, on 03/22/2008, -2/+0Reusing even after a fold is pretty sick.
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