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Guide to Lap Dance Etiquette

askmen.com — Because you can't just walk into a strip joint and act the way your caveman brain is telling you. No jumping on the nearest piece of flesh -- there are rules to follow.

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BlindingDawn, on 07/15/2008, -5/+47FTA: there's no such thing as a "bad" lap dance,
BULL
- atavena, on 07/15/2008, -10/+15Then you've never had a bad lapdance. Lucky you.
  - Intrusionv2, on 07/16/2008, -0/+6I've never had a lapdance. Lucky me.
- gubatron2, on 07/15/2008, -5/+9Lucky you man.
- fatas, on 07/16/2008, -2/+15you have never been farted on
  - jnuffnuffnomnom, on 07/16/2008, -0/+18Surely thats an extra?
- bigsteve, on 07/16/2008, -1/+3I was almost thrown up on once. That was a particularly bad lap-dance.
  - pshoaxbuster, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0I've encountered numerous dancer with bad breath, I try to keep my convo with them as short as possible.
- ShiftyBizniss, on 07/16/2008, -0/+12I think all of you previous repliers need to examine that comment a little closer before saying anything.... He's saying there ARE bad lapdances...
- keymastr, on 07/16/2008, -0/+4I have a friend that walked out of a backroom lapdance with streaks all over his shirt that were glowing in the blacklight. The stripper was lactating and didn't tell him. I'd say that qualifies as the worst lapdance ever - well, unless you're into that kind of thing.
  - je12u, on 07/16/2008, -1/+2I usually pay extra for that.
- zerodefect, on 07/18/2008, -0/+1When it's that really ugly girl you knew in high school and she looks like she aged 20 years in 5, it's not a good lap dance.
- mulling, on 07/24/2008, -0/+1Pointer: if you find out your ex has become a stripper, don't buy lap dances from her. She'll do a really lousy job.
pitchblack16, on 07/15/2008, -4/+17get a roll of dollar bills or 5 dollar bills if your a bawler, or lonnies and toonies if your in canada
- ShiftyBizniss, on 07/16/2008, -1/+0I happen to love my 6-pound wallet full of Canadian coins...
mrMunchies, on 07/15/2008, -2/+27I have to disagree with the “She’s not a therapist” portion of the article. Sometimes a guy just needs to get stuff off his chest, and who better to listen than a naked bombshell sitting on your lap? It’s much cheaper than therapy, it’s more therapeutic than dumping on your buddies, and what does she care how the 5 minutes is spent, she’s getting paid, son!
- 10lbhammer, on 07/15/2008, -1/+15I don't necessarily agree with that statement, but I've never been on the other side of the dance.
  
  I have, however, had a dancer in the midst of giving me a lap dance tell me all about her woes: her ex, her other job, her KID... man, I'm not there to be a therapist either!
  - mrMunchies, on 07/15/2008, -0/+11That's a different story. I'd imagine that would make for a pretty awkward dance...any mention of children during a lap dance would be an instant mood killer
  - 10lbhammer, on 07/15/2008, -0/+8...it also means no tip!
  - TheCatsPants, on 07/16/2008, -4/+5Wow, that must have totally spoiled the illusion that she's an easy nympho who would totally sleep with you. Honestly, you think these women do that kind of job for *fun*?
  - jgzman, on 07/16/2008, -0/+6No, but nobody believes that a magician can actually do magic either.
- rearlgrant, on 07/16/2008, -0/+9I'm with mrMunchies -- I've had a number of entertaining conversations buying drinks and talking. And, to be honest, sometimes that's what I'm looking for. I think this is overlooked by the single-minded focus to get to the dance. And like a good dance, some women want to find out if you are a walking ATM, and some do need a break and don't want to face the drama of the other dancers.
  
  (you and thcLife remind me of something, but I can't remember what it is.)
- geoken, on 07/16/2008, -0/+3"And like a good dance, some women want to find out if you are a walking ATM, and some do need a break and don't want to face the drama of the other dancers."
  
  Wrong. Those ones are simply better actors.
- orlyfactor, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1Cheaper than therapy? haha! I never dropped $400 on one session with a therapist.
  - Relikh, on 07/16/2008, -0/+4Geeeezzz... For that money you should just get yourself a hooker.
- pshoaxbuster, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0No, she's not the therapist. YOU are the therapist. The chatty ones want to tell you all about themselves.
philostrato, on 07/15/2008, -2/+27this has front page written all over it
reviF, on 07/15/2008, -1/+38I'm from Montreal and I didn't realize how good we had it until I visited a strop club in the states (ummm, near the chicago airport when we were stranded sometime, scores i think it's a chain). The girls weren't even naked, they were in bikinis! So we gave up and went to another one where they actually were naked, and then couldn't get a freakin' drink. WTF?? Besides having strip clubs on every corner in Montreal (with drinking in every one thank you!) every other club offers CONTACT DANCING

The last dancer i paid for had only one rule: No touching anywhere along her bikini line... I've never wanted more hands in my life.
- kinseyincanada, on 07/16/2008, -1/+6well in the States from what i understand is you cant have full nudity in a strip club if you serve alcohol.
  - freediverx, on 07/16/2008, -0/+14Not true. This varies according to local ordinances. It's certainly not a Federal law...
  - AndrewJC, on 07/16/2008, -0/+5The rules differ state to state, but a lot of them are that way, yeah. I think it stems from the old Puritannical idea that men get too rowdy when they've been drinking and a woman is fully nude in front of them. Or something.
  - davdev, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2In MA and RI you can have full nude and alcohol, which is ironic as MA is one of more puritanical states around. I was shocked to find out that in NOLA they don't go bottomless at all, or at least in the 6 places I checked out, and Vegas won't go nude with alcohol. You figure these would be the two cities where you would think any thing goes
  - dave122, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2this is true, but at least in iowa if it's full nude most places are BYOB, so you just bring a cooler of beer - which is awesome.
  - WELLDOITLIVE, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2Here in WI we have full nude bars that serve alcohol, yeehawwww
- rearlgrant, on 07/16/2008, -2/+6Welcome to the Puritan States of American, completely unlike the Taliban...
  
  I don't know about Montreal, but in Vancouver, at least one club has a brothel on the second floor. (Decriminalized, like pot, there).
  
  Both had prices that were outrageous when the looney (sp?) was $.57 US though -- when was that, last year or something.
  - Shoegaze99, on 07/16/2008, -1/+3"Welcome to the Puritan States of American, completely unlike the Taliban..."
    
    What an absolutely idiotic statement. More prude than places in, say, Europe? Yes. Comparing that to the Taliban? Fooking STUPID.
  - rearlgrant, on 07/17/2008, -0/+1Shoegaze99 - Watch network German/Italian/Dutch TV and you'll see story lines about how it's important to talk about sex with partners, wear condoms and promote safe sex. If teenagers are even in story lines involving sex on US network TV, the moral result at the end of the show is that you shouldn't have ever thought of having sex at all. Network censors at work desperately trying to stave off Administration efforts to regulate television content to the benefit of Christian values, including the Puritan value of having the body clothed from head to toe -- not unlike a burqa. That's what is Fooking STUPID.
- bigsteve, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1One way to Montreal please. Coach is fine, thanks.
- anillop, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2Yeah that is all based on city ordnances. Some cities are topless, others are full nude. Some have booze some don't. it all depends on the establishment and what the local laws are.
louiebaur, on 07/15/2008, -0/+7Yea I guess those are pretty much the rules:-)
pitchblack16, on 07/15/2008, -2/+11montreal strip clubs are the best
- disrupter, on 07/16/2008, -0/+4I beg to differ. And yes I'm from Montreal.
- OnyxTiger, on 07/17/2008, -0/+1Vancouver clubs are AMAZING.
  
  Honestly, any strip club in Canada is going to be a candy coated dream world compared to 80% of the strip clubs in the U.S.
  
  Thank you, No. 5 Orange. I will return once the dollar regains its value (crosses fingers).
Evilena, on 07/15/2008, -0/+48"Don't turn up smelling like a dead homeless dude."
This article is a wealth of information.
- rearlgrant, on 07/16/2008, -1/+6Though you'd be surprised -- "she is after all getting paid." I'm surprised some misogynist hasn't posted "I'm paying her, I'll smell like ***** if I want..." yet.
  - etx313, on 07/16/2008, -2/+8I'm paying her, I'll smell like ***** if I want.
Peachi, on 07/15/2008, -6/+6montreal strip clubs sound like fun for the guys, but I don't know if it would be any fun for the girls who dance... a little more exploitative than in the states - then again, I bet they make waaaaay better tips.
- altinnovation, on 07/16/2008, -1/+8.....They're getting paid to be strippers, the only other thing that's more exploitative is a prostitute.
drbonemonkey, on 07/15/2008, -6/+8If you are a stripper you are being exploited regardless, so the more the merrier is my attitude!
- bigsteve, on 07/16/2008, -1/+4Yea, all those poor exploited strippers, with their Lexus and Mercedes at the other end of the club parking lot...
paradi6m, on 07/15/2008, -4/+6So yeah, the clubs here? They tend to do topless dancing only. I don' t necessarily need to touch, as there's enough to be had out there for simple conversation, but implants just lose their hotness that close. They can look like over-inflated road-maps. However, there is something to be said about the visceral contact of skin, with a professional who knows pretty much every single thought, running through my head. And smiles. It's her job.

Don't be embarrassed if she's got you hard in seconds. It's kind of the point. Tip. (heavily if you came and were a complete jackass about it)

Ahh, my first exposure to a bucket of ice in the urinals to keep the men's room stench at bay.. Memories.
ageaton, on 07/16/2008, -13/+8FTA: "She isn't a ho"....if shes dancing naked and getting money thrown at her, that's a ho to me

Not that there's anything wrong with that
gbouchard, on 07/16/2008, -0/+4In montreal, honestly, it just doesn't compare to anywhere across North America...
- orlyfactor, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2I see you have been to every strip club on the entire continent. Oh, to have your life...
  - davdev, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1I have been to many, in many states, and the only thing that I have found that comes close to Montreal, was Tampa Bay, but I belive Tampa has cracked down on the contact since I was there last, about 10 years ago.
  - NCg8r, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0Tampa cracks down every few months, and it's still as nasty as it was 10 years ago. Mons FTW!
  - davdev, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1Mons is exactly where I was. That place is fantastic, though no booze if I remember, but I was well liquored before I even got there anyway
Enochulator, on 07/16/2008, -12/+5The best lap dance I ever had was 11 years ago with this girl named Justine. Not only she had the most beautiful body, eyes, and face I had ever seen, but also she let me touch and kiss her body. I was in love for a week. No one after her came close in comparison.
- Puffles, on 07/16/2008, -0/+12Thank you for sharing. We all needed to know that.
- marjo9, on 07/16/2008, -0/+8i met this girl once at a kmart and we made out for hours in a washroom stall. afterwards we parted ways and I never saw her again.
- LucifersDad, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1I saw a woman once.
rearlgrant, on 07/16/2008, -2/+6Ok, so here's a question.

Shouldn't our fathers pass on this information to us rather than AskMen magazine?
toeMas, on 07/16/2008, -1/+42Use actual bills... strippers do not appreciate quarters as much as i thought they would.
- humanerror, on 07/16/2008, -0/+16But isn't that what the slot is for? :(
  - davdev, on 07/16/2008, -1/+9Nope, that's for credit cards. Just slide it through
- defaria, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0You're using quarters?
  
  I use dimes! :-)
disrupter, on 07/16/2008, -6/+5This is about how close Diggers will get to wimminz.
Sponky, on 07/16/2008, -1/+10Paradise?

Pigs arse!

My ex worked as controlled touching "dancer" to get through university doing a double major without having to work long hours on the books and making money.

They are the seediest dives of lowlife scum I've ever had the misfortune to enter.
- altinnovation, on 07/16/2008, -0/+9The customers or dancers?
  - JuanBSU, on 07/16/2008, -1/+3Yes
  - Sponky, on 07/16/2008, -0/+3Mostly the management.
    
    Clients = bottom feeding scum who cant do better, not their fault, but yeah they do add to the ambiance.
    
    Management feeds off them and pays the girls a pittance of a legal salary and (to them) excessive taxably "cash in hand" untraceable tip shares. Then finances other nefarious high risk high paying illegal short sighted local ventures with their excessive cut.
    
    Not nice ppl.
ricksickle, on 07/16/2008, -0/+8the fact that people need the advice to not smell like a homeless person scares me.
here's another one, shower once day, not only when going to stripclubs. that way I wont hit you with a stick if you sit next to me on the train.
Shabatoo, on 07/16/2008, -1/+1Seriously? C'mon...Men are born knowing all this. It's part of our genetic code.
fatas, on 07/16/2008, -1/+13This is for Diggers to try on GTA
H0tKarl, on 07/16/2008, -2/+8I recently went to a strip club in Vegas. I met the hottest girl ever there, and I think she really liked me. She wasn't sleazy like the other girls either. She was just stripping temporarily to get enough money pay for college.
- altinnovation, on 07/16/2008, -0/+11That's what they all say =D
  - 1807, on 07/16/2008, -0/+4"You weak minded fool, he’s using an old Jedi mind trick."-Jaba the Hut
- passedoutghost, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1Maybe I'm just a cynical bastard, but I'm pretty sure she was lying to you.
  - dave122, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2i did gather a touch of sarcasm in hotkarl's post :D
  - passedoutghost, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0No, really?! .......I'm being serious, really?
- defaria, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1Oh lordy, where have I heard this before?
  
  ... Oh yeah, from guys who afterwords admit they were totally wrong and blinded by the sight of naked flesh!
tulanian12, on 07/16/2008, -2/+5She's not a ho?

Then what's this $250 "special time" in a room in the back?
- jnuffnuffnomnom, on 07/16/2008, -0/+3False advertising.
- dsmx, on 07/16/2008, -0/+3For special people....
Intrusionv2, on 07/16/2008, -9/+2If the big, flashing sign on the wall says "No Touching," you can bet your ass that your hands will not be an exception to the rule.

**** THAT ****
mlvassallo, on 07/16/2008, -3/+36Strip Clubs are a waste of time. If I'm going to spend money on a woman who is going to walk around in her underwear and NOT have sex with me I'll just get married.
- theutopian, on 07/16/2008, -0/+5Good one. As a married man... can't decide whether that's funny or too true...
- bpacheco1978, on 07/16/2008, -1/+3getting married doesn't guarantee that you're going to see a woman in underwear all the time.
  - theutopian, on 07/17/2008, -0/+2Well, I'll raise my hand and say, yes it does guarantee I see a woman in her underwear all the time. Whether or not that's a good thing is another topic of conversation.
zoethebitch, on 07/16/2008, -0/+3I've only been to a strip club once. Was with a group. And of course someone touched a dancer, got in an argument with the bouncer, and we were all thrown out.

One guy, as he's being dragged to the door in a headlock is screaming, "You can't treat me like this! I'm the Captain of a nuclear submarine!" Funny part: he really was.
- passedoutghost, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1I'm just wondering, did he say "nu-cu-ler" or "nu-clear"?
  - zoethebitch, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0He was pretty drunk. It sounded like "nuuhhhhcleeeeahhhh "
    
    Then the guy who got us thrown out threw up on the Captain in the car on the way back to the boat.
daeus, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2Sit down with a beer and let them come to you?
crazy0, on 07/16/2008, -10/+1look at me i cant get a chick to take her clothes off for free, so im gonna pay her in singles alongside every other loser to see her boobs.... yea thats a culture i wanna be part of....lames ... ive been to some, and they suck...why pay for teases??? I gets my teases and fulfillment for free.....but then again we all (especially on here) dont have tight game right
- anillop, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1Hahaha you made your joje now go back to your moms basement and play WOW.
  - crazy0, on 07/16/2008, -1/+0haha you misspelled....i own my own apt....nor do i play wow....WOWers are those who frequent the strip clubs you retard....i don't have time for that....i do however have time to be on digg while at work, making fun of self-aggrandized idiots like you :-)
    unlike you i dont fall under the majoarity of digg demographics (white subarbafoons & wiggers)
- renski13, on 07/17/2008, -0/+1saying you're above strip clubs is like saying you're above having fun. loosen up a little sheesh.
scojerroc, on 07/16/2008, -0/+4twice, the article mentioned "almost naked". makes me glad i live in oregon, where there's liquor and full nudity at every club.
orlyfactor, on 07/16/2008, -0/+16Step 1: Open Wallet.
Step 2: Turn wallet upside down.
Step 3: Give stripper all your money.
Step 4: Go home horny and unsatisfied.
- schlongmeister, on 07/16/2008, -0/+15The stripper motto:
  "You won't get laid but you will get *****."
Helspawn, on 07/16/2008, -1/+2I'm from Montreal as well, and though Contact Dances have their ups, they have their downs too.... The girls don't make any money dancing up on stage, in fact in some places they have to pay to get up there. It's sort of a sales pitch, they go up and dance for 2 songs so guys can see them and want contact dances.

However it's totally killed the art of stripping, the really hot ones don't even make an effort, they just do their dance and then go on the hunt for the rest of the night to make their now 15$ a song.

That being said... I LOVE Contact Dances
slantyeyed, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2HA, it reads like a guide for guys who have never been to a strip club
Noiremorte, on 07/16/2008, -3/+1Since when are strippers beautiful? Please, show me some!
dasugo, on 07/16/2008, -2/+1Speak for yourself. Being married rocks!!! Strip clubs bother me though. I keep imagining these women getting all these Dollar bills and going home to families and kids. Makes a person not enjoy a good lapdance.

P.S in Houston, there is fully nekkid strip clubs but I don;t remember drinking anything. I don't drink anyway. Plus they let you touch too. I have never felt so dirty rubbing on a woman that didn;t even acknowledge it.
liuite, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1don't touch the merchandise!
Psythik, on 07/16/2008, -0/+2"by the time you've finished counting the loose change in your wallet, every girl in the place will have you pegged as "the poor guy" and will avoid you like an STI."

What's wrong with Subarus?
Boofster, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1Actually they'll let you touch them all you want if you talk them into it ;) Especially in Vegas.
AngeloM3, on 07/16/2008, -0/+1"Is that period blood on your jeans?"
pshoaxbuster, on 07/16/2008, -0/+0Where I go, the strippers would be shocked if you didn't touch. A lot more than touching goes on back there ;)
renski13, on 07/17/2008, -0/+1You haven't lived until you've asked a stripper change for a $5 bill while she's on stage.
siandt, on 07/24/2008, -0/+1One of my roommates last summer worked security at a strip club. His job, no joke, was to go around and say "Hands off the girls."
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Guide to Lap Dance Etiquette

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