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Classic Books Summed Up in 3 Lines (or Less)

mcsweeneys.net — This is amazing.

Who dugg this? Made popular Jun 25, 2008

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  • davidmihm, on 06/25/2008, -1/+119My only complaint is the list is too short :)
  • Enygma42, on 06/25/2008, -8/+114
    I'll probably be slated for this but anyway...

    Fellowship of the Ring: They Left
    The Two Towers: They keep going
    Return of the King: They arrive.

    To all the folks that haven't seen the movies, I've just saved you 10 hours of your lives.
  • TripcodeMel, on 06/25/2008, -0/+95Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

    George: Lenny, don't screw this up for me--

    Lenny: *Holding a dead blonde in a red dress.*

    George: Goddamn it, Lenny.
  • dinobot, on 06/25/2008, -14/+83Maybe someone should do some Sci-Fi classics as well

    Ender's Game

    Ender: Oh, simulated war! It's almost like the real thing!
    Military: It was the real thing. Congratulations, you won the war for us by destroying a planet.
    Ender: I must atone for my sins. Oh look here, an insectoid egg with telepathic powers.
  • Lark7, on 06/25/2008, -5/+73The Bible:

    Let there be light!
    Let there be Jews!
    Kill the Jew!
  • inactive, on 06/25/2008, -3/+69"Ah! Kill it, lion Jesus!"

    actually lives up to the submission description. This _is_ amazing
  • vinibinini, on 06/25/2008, -12/+78Harry Potter
    Harry: I Killed Lord Voldemort
    Lord Voldemort: Um not quite
    Harry: *****!
  • magneteye, on 06/25/2008, -2/+63The site/article summed up in 3 lines:

    Network Timeout

    The server at mcsweeneys.net is taking too long to respond.

    The requested site did not respond to a connection request and the browser has stopped waiting for a reply
  • TwistyMcFister, on 06/24/2008, -3/+57Lady Chatterley's Lover

    Constance: I'm a married whore
    Oliver: I like sex
    Constance: Let's do it
  • buba1243, on 06/25/2008, -5/+50site ran slow for me here is the full txt

    LIT 101 CLASS
    IN THREE LINES
    OR LESS.
    BY BEN JOSEPH

    - - - -

    1984

    WINSTON: Don't tell the Party, but sex is way better than totalitarianism.

    EVERYONE: Surprise! We're the Party.

    WINSTON: Oh, rats.

    The Lion, the Witch
    and the Wardrobe

    C.S. LEWIS: Finally, a utopia ruled by children and populated by talking animals.

    THE WITCH: Hi, I'm a sexually mature woman of power and confidence.

    C.S. LEWIS: Ah! Kill it, lion Jesus!

    Paradise Lost

    ADAM: Paradise has arbitrary dietary restrictions?

    DEVIL: They're really more like guidelines.

    GOD: Incorrect.

    Moby-Dick

    ISHMAEL: I'm existential.

    AHAB: Really? Try vengeance.

    ISHMAEL: I dig this dynamic. Can we drag it out for 600 pages?

    The Great Gatsby

    NICK: I love being rich and white.

    GATSBY: Me, too, but I'd kill for the love of a woman.

    DAISY: We can work with that.

    Oliver Twist

    OLIVER: Poverty ain't so bad, what with all the Cockney accents and charming musical interludes.

    ME: Thanks to movies, no books were read in the passing of this class.

    PROFESSOR WATERMAN: You're half right.
  • mysedai, on 06/25/2008, -0/+40Pride and Prejudice:
    Darcy: I can't help but to notice the circumstances of your birth, subsequent upbringing by your vile mother, eccentric father, and whorish younger sister make you inferior to me.
    Elizabeth: Whatever. I like Mr. Wickham, the man you loath and despise above all others better anyway.
    Darcy: What the deuce? I must have you!
  • RedReplicant, on 06/25/2008, -1/+40Oh no, spoilers!
  • chicoer2001, on 06/25/2008, -3/+42Catcher in the Rye can be summerized in only one line. "People are phoney"
  • erichw1504, on 06/25/2008, -6/+44THE BOURNE TRILOGY:

    Bourne: "Who am I? And why are these men chasing me?"

    Bourne: *Kicks a ton of ass, even uses a book*

    Bourne: "Oh, my real name is David Webb... ok"
  • killerknives, on 06/25/2008, -1/+39To Kill A Mockingbird: Racism is bad
  • cannonball, on 06/25/2008, -0/+35Taming of the Shrew:

    Shrew: No man can tame me.
    Man: Shut up, bitch.
    Shrew: Yes, sir.
  • tombonneau, on 06/25/2008, -2/+32ETHAN FROME

    Mattie: I love you, Ethan.

    Ethan: And I you, Mattie. It is as if our two souls have been adrift and it is only now --

    Mattie: Tree!
  • zwaldowski, on 06/25/2008, -0/+29HOLDEN: People are phoney.
    WORLD: ***** you.
    HOLDEN: I'll just have a nervous breakdown then.
  • SaiaRiddle, on 06/25/2008, -0/+29A Clockwork Orange:

    Alex: Viddy, viddily-dee, droogy Bog rooka sooka horrorshow!
    Reader: Holy ***** I can't even read this...
    Wikipedia: I understand.
  • hoogie, on 06/25/2008, -1/+29I can do "The Grapes of Wrath"

    FATHER: Our farm is doing poorly, but this paper says there's jobs a-plenty in California, and papers never lie!

    TURTLE: I'M CROSSING THE DAMN ROAD.

    EVERYONE: *****.
  • hammelman, on 06/25/2008, -3/+31Shouldn't it be:

    Ender: Don't mess with me or you're dead.
    Everyone Else: Let's mess with Ender - that little *****.
    Ender: See, you're all dead now, I dont feel good about it though.
  • sonicbloom, on 06/25/2008, -1/+25The Stranger

    Meursault: My mom died. And I killed an arab.

    Law: Don't you feel bad about any of this?

    Meursault: Nah.
  • PhoenixAvatar2, on 06/25/2008, -0/+2212 if you're watching the extended editions.
  • inactive, on 06/25/2008, -2/+22http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/
    these are ALL amazing. ***** i love this website
  • BlackholeStorm, on 06/25/2008, -0/+19I love how Winston says "Oh rats" in the 1984 one.
  • wedges, on 06/25/2008, -10/+27humor doesn't come easily to everyone, don't worry.
  • Dobiewonkenobi, on 06/25/2008, -4/+21No, you stole 10 hours from their lives.
  • shortyjacobs, on 06/25/2008, -0/+17Oooh, I love self-prophecy
  • dalnet22, on 06/25/2008, -0/+16I wish I had actually read these so I could get a joke.
  • Lark7, on 06/25/2008, -1/+173 lines or *fewer*
  • dafragsta, on 06/25/2008, -1/+15I'm surprised Frodo didn't brick in Sam's face at the end.

    /never go ass-to-mouth.
  • Dundasbro, on 06/25/2008, -1/+15Actually I believe its pronounced "Atticus Finch rocks!"
  • evildemonic, on 06/25/2008, -0/+14Here is the science fiction version, it's even better: http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml

    Yes, Ender's Game is listed.
  • TripcodeMel, on 06/25/2008, -2/+15Digital Fortress by Dan Brown

    NSA: Some disgruntled Japanese guy who used to work for us just created an uncrackable cypher. Let's put it through our code-breaking supercomputer!

    Tankado: It's not uncrackable, it's just really really really really hard to decode. BTW, there's a computer virus inside.

    Fletcher: ***** ***** BLOWS UP
  • petebot, on 06/25/2008, -0/+11I Am Legend:
    Robert: Die Vampires!
    Robert: Me so lonely
    Robert: These vampires think they're people
  • DrummerAndrew, on 06/25/2008, -0/+10Poignant and lacking none of the drama.
  • FeloniusMonkey, on 06/25/2008, -0/+9What were you expecting when you clicked the link, "Classic Books Summed Up in 3 Lines (or Less)"?
  • desertDenizen, on 06/25/2008, -0/+9Atlas Shrugged:

    The world: Who is John Gault?
    John Gault: I will stop the engines of the world.
    Dagney Taggart: You are so hot, you can put your train in my tunnel any time, John Gault.
  • hoogie, on 06/25/2008, -3/+12Or how about Doom Fan Fiction?

    JOHN STALVERN: I must kill the demons!

    THE RADIO: You are the demons.

    JOHN STALVERN: Now I am a zombie.
  • gavin422, on 06/25/2008, -4/+12McSweeney's is underrated. Gotta go visit their site more.
  • doctechnical, on 06/25/2008, -1/+9"I loved Atlas Shruggs, though."

    Didn't he pitch for the Cleveland Indians in '67? Helluva slider that guy had.
  • coldfusion1970, on 06/25/2008, -0/+7The Simpsons

    1. Homer does something stupid
    2. Bart or Lisa have a personal issue
    3. Homer does something else stupid
  • hoogie, on 06/25/2008, -0/+7tool
  • inactive, on 06/25/2008, -5/+12Maybe someone should be a little nerdier

    Digg

    15-year-old white male nerd: Hey, here's an article from a few weeks ago!

    37-year-old white male nerd: It would be better if it was more obviously pathetic. I'm going to comment about this.

    Everyone, in unison: Man, we ***** hate MrBabyMan. But we love Kevin Rose.
  • pagodahut, on 06/25/2008, -1/+7As I Lay Dying

    Darl: Our mother lays beyond the nexus of time and space and we shall quixotically venture to return her body to her family resting place.

    Vardaman: My mom is a fish.

    Darl: Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.


    Yeah, the book didn't make much sense either.

  • nationalist, on 06/25/2008, -0/+6FAIL
  • 8BitGaming, on 06/26/2008, -0/+6Green Eggs & Ham:

    Would you like some green eggs and ham?
    ***** off.
    OM NOM NOM NOM.
  • PhoenixAvatar2, on 06/25/2008, -1/+7I can do better.

    EVERYONE: The Great Depression sucks, let's go to California!

    DAUGHTER: My baby was stillborn so I'm going to let this random hungry guy suck my boobs!

    BOOK: The end.


    OK, actually that was worse.
  • IG64, on 06/25/2008, -0/+6*jump*
    *collect things*
    *defeat Bowser*
  • desertDenizen, on 06/25/2008, -0/+5Dune:

    Spice is oil.
    Fremen are "free men" Arabs.
    War!
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