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13 Things a Burglar Won't Tell You

rd.com — (4.) "Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it."

Who dugg this? Made popular Aug 18, 2009

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  • Andrewmatt, on 08/18/2009, -8/+948I've just learned how to burglarize homes. Cool! Thanks Readers Digest!
  • squishee, on 08/17/2009, -19/+83514. I rub your toothbrush on my butthole.

    But seriously, some pretty good advice in this list.
  • BeastOfGevaudan, on 08/18/2009, -2/+517I imagine a burglar wouldn't tell me a lot of things, like their name or when they're coming over.
  • andoru, on 08/18/2009, -3/+440from my own experience (as a victim):

    14. The spare car in your garage makes a perfect get-away vehicle for transporting your plasma TV. Thanks for leaving the keys in the bedside drawer.
    and,
    15. I will leave my fingerprints all over the crime scene, and then get arrested for disorderly conduct a month later, and have my fingerprints recorded and matched in the unsolved crime database.
  • rootsm3, on 08/18/2009, -21/+426Why is this in the 1st person? So basically don't trust anyone you hire or that ever comes into your life and just live in fear like a little *****?
  • mikeas, on 08/18/2009, -3/+326One Thing I'll Tell a Burglar: If you are still in my house when I get back I will kill you and remove my property from your cold dead hands. Our house was burglarized last year...one of the odder things they took was an electric hair trimmer that was near the back door. The thing they didn't realized was that we only used it to shave our long haired cats ass when she got ***** stuck in her fur.
  • whatimbipolar, on 08/18/2009, -21/+326Then who was telling me these things?
  • pegothejerk, on 08/18/2009, -2/+300or they don't want your belongings, which consist of: pizza box, (5) kung fu VHS, 1 kill bill poster, 2 coffee cups, 1 molded coffee maker, 28 beer cans, and one pentium desktop shaped like R2D2.
  • crackerjack20, on 08/18/2009, -1/+283I got robbed one day cause I was too lazy to bring in my trash can from the curb for a few days after the trash pickup. I guess the guy figured we were on vacation. Just took a crapload of cash and a Cold Stone Creamery gift card. Bastard stole my ice cream gift card!!!
  • jk_baller23, on 08/18/2009, -1/+27814. Don't update your Facebook, Twitter, Voicemail, etc. status stating that you are on vacation or out of town. That's just an invite for burglars.
  • burketo, on 08/18/2009, -1/+266This is just a wild guess, but it might be convicted burglars in North Carolina, Oregon, California, and Kentucky; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs crimedoctor.com; and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri–St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job.

    Don't quote me on that though!
  • doodadoodler, on 08/18/2009, -3/+260When i think some "solicitor" is casing my house I look him right in the eyes and don't say anything until he asks "What are you doing?". Then I respond "I'm memorizing your face". Freaks them out to no end.
  • DS2892, on 08/18/2009, -0/+256i can imagine how that works with girl scouts.
  • Hillsfar, on 08/18/2009, -1/+227Here's a tip from the The Autobiography of Malcolm X:
    Leave the bathroom light on. It's the only room with a legitimate excuse for the light be on for hours at a time, even in the wee hours of the night. (Even better, set a random timer for it.)
  • casey3353, on 08/18/2009, -4/+225you're a jerk, Pego :(
  • dmcaudio, on 08/18/2009, -1/+221I got all my home security tips from watching Home Alone 1&2.... the other ones didn't really exist.
  • spoonchucks, on 08/18/2009, -1/+219It'd be funny to come back to a new one that says "me too."
  • Waaaaalt, on 08/18/2009, -0/+205I love happy endings!
  • PLC87, on 08/18/2009, -3/+19314. A Christmas party with MJ and the gang is no deterrent. We know you're in there kid.
  • Pinkertinkle, on 08/18/2009, -8/+190"9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)"
    Yes why don't you go ahead and clean out that nasty old gutter. There's a creaky wooden ladder in the shed. Do a good job and you'll get an extra dollar tip!
  • daqq, on 08/18/2009, -4/+186The title of the story is, "13 Things a Burglar Won't Tell You."

    Its written first person, as if the burglar were telling you.
  • robbob, on 08/18/2009, -4/+178Conclusion: Stash your stash in the kid's room
  • groo68, on 08/18/2009, -0/+170Can't be good if they are convicted.
  • andoru, on 08/18/2009, -2/+171Insurance replaced the stolen psuedo-HD TV (768 lines) with the latest true-HD model (1024 lines), and paid out for the car.
  • inactive, on 08/18/2009, -2/+166If you're stupid enough not to have any kind of privacy settings or have thieves as friends on Facebook, you kind of deserve to get burgled.
  • KingRocket, on 08/18/2009, -0/+156People who need to trim their cats ***** ass?
  • Phasmorphage, on 08/18/2009, -3/+149There's a spy 'round here...
  • diemunkiesdie, on 08/18/2009, -2/+145I leave those Pizza Flyers on even after I see them in my front door. I'm just really lazy. But I do use the "turn on your TV when you leave" method!
  • pegothejerk, on 08/18/2009, -2/+144and you have the partial specific volume calculated from the amino acid composition of the oligomerization state of macrophage migration inhibitory factor (MIF) in solution (33.53 kDa) as part of your name, casey.
  • casey3353, on 08/18/2009, -1/+139My only deterrent is a kung fu (wing chun) wooden training dummy on my front porch. I don't even know how to use it.

    Seems to work... I've never had any problems with burglars.
  • 2h3px, on 08/18/2009, -6/+143Something I'll tell a burglar while pulling out my penis: "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!" 'Cause you don't want to ***** with a crazy person.
  • GregLoire, on 08/18/2009, -0/+137I drive a Dodge Neon that I bought used. The paint is peeling off, and the side is pretty rusted from where I scraped it against a pole in a parking lot and didn't bother to get it fixed up. I have a garage, but I leave my car in my driveway anyway, just to give potential burglars an idea of what kind of riches they might expect to find if they were to break into my house.

    So far it's a pretty good security system.
  • desertDenizen, on 08/18/2009, -2/+131Reminds me of an awesome thief trap one guy came up with after his car kept getting broken into by homeless people. The owner decided to teach them a lesson; took a crap in a Pringles can, topped off the can with chips, sealed it and left it on his dashboard in plain sight. He came back the next day and found his car broken into again. Next to the car on the ground, he found the can, the crap, no chips, and what looked like vomit. ***** yeah.
  • gixxer600, on 08/18/2009, -3/+132so thats why my toothbrush smell and my 360 is gone
  • Akairenn, on 08/18/2009, -3/+1291. I know when you're home, and when you're not.

    2. I can pick most locks with a credit card.

    3. Deadbolt? Hah! I'd just smash the door.

    4. If I had a family, I'd want to.. protect them, from guys like me.

    Dugg for resurrecting old ADT commercials into the forefront of my mind. :p
  • linagee, on 08/18/2009, -0/+123Say you're away on facebook, but stay home and see which "friend" tries to rob you. :-D
  • Hardataq, on 08/18/2009, -5/+126I just leave a note on the door. "I came on something in this house. Feel lucky?"
  • FortyCaliber, on 08/18/2009, -4/+112And sometimes I leave that pizza flyer out there... just in case I haven't been to the range in a while.
  • buddypriefert, on 08/18/2009, -0/+106It was your roommates.
  • 2h3px, on 08/18/2009, -0/+105that was to make sure you didn't get suspicious
  • tacojohn48, on 08/18/2009, -2/+103You should check out the discovery channel show "to catch a thief"
  • tidu, on 08/18/2009, -3/+10413 ways to become a paranoid freak
  • StolenLamp, on 08/18/2009, -2/+95I wonder why you're unemployed...
  • geckron2, on 08/18/2009, -0/+90EDIT: 13 Things a GOOD Burglar Won't Tell You
  • xkorbin, on 08/18/2009, -0/+90No, that would be your mother.
  • gnomeh, on 08/18/2009, -1/+86Good luck in court trying to defend why you shot some poor pizza menu boy
  • Ajajadude, on 08/18/2009, -3/+85This reminds of that show that was on the Discovery Channel called How to Catch a Thief. Good show.
  • inactive, on 08/18/2009, -2/+84The sign in my front yard that reads "Homicidal Satanists Cult Inside" does wonders.
  • consonance, on 08/18/2009, -1/+80Who the ***** buys a used hair trimmer?
  • silverchrysalis, on 08/18/2009, -1/+80not if they're buried in my old well, they don't.
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