What is Digg?134 Comments
- superflyy, on 11/21/2008, -15/+154. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ./ It’s a trap!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _,,,--~~~~~~~~--,_ . . . . ._________/
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,-‘ : : : :::: :::: :: : : : : :º ‘-, . . /. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .,-‘ :: : : :::: :::: :::: :::: : : :o : ‘-, . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . ,-‘ :: ::: :: : : :: :::: :::: :: : : : : :O ‘-, . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .,-‘ : :: :: :: :: :: : : : : : , : : :º :::: :::: ::’; . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .,-‘ / / : :: :: :: :: : : :::: :::-, ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ; . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . /,-‘,’ :: : : : : : : : : :: :: :: : ‘-, ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;;| . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . /,’,-‘ :: :: :: :: :: :: :: : ::_,-~~,_’-, ;; ;; ;; ;; | . . . . . . .
. . . . . _/ :,’ :/ :: :: :: : : :: :: _,-‘/ : ,-‘;’-‘’’’’~-, ;; ;; ;;,’ . . . . . . . .
. . . ,-‘ / : : : : : : ,-‘’’ : : :,--‘’ :|| /,-‘-‘--‘’’__,’’’ ;; ;,-‘ . . . . . . . .
. . . :/,, : : : _,-‘ --,,_ : : : ||/ /,-‘-‘x### :: ;;/ . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . / /---‘’’’ : # : : : : : | | : (O##º : :/ /-‘’ . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . /,’____ : : ‘-# : , : : : : ‘-,___,-‘,-`-,, . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . ‘ ) : : : :’’’’--,,--,,,,,,¯ :: ::--,,_’’-,,’’’¯ :’- :’-, . . . . . . . . .
. . . . .) : : : : : : ,, : ‘’’’~~~~’ :: :: :: :’’’’’¯ :: ,-‘ :,/ . . . . . . . . .
. . . . .,/ /|| | :/ / : : : : : : : ,’-, :: :: :: :: ::,--‘’ :,-‘ . . . . . . . .
. . . . .’| |/ ‘/ / :: :_--,, : , | )’; :: :: :: :,-‘’ : ,-‘ : : : , . . . . . . .
. . . ./¯ :| | : |/ :: ::----, :/ :|/ :: :: ,-‘’ : :,-‘ : : : : : : ‘’-,,_ . . . .
. . ..| : : :/ ‘’-(, :: :: :: ‘’’’’~,,,,,’’ :: ,-‘’ : :,-‘ : : : : : : : : :,-‘’’ . . . .
. ,-‘ : : : | : : ‘’) : : :¯’’’’~-,: : ,--‘’’ : :,-‘’ : : : : : : : : : ,-‘ :¯’’’’’-,_ .
./ : : : : :’-, :: | :: :: :: _,,-‘’’’¯ : ,--‘’ : : : : : : : : : : : / : : : : : : :’’-,
/ : : : : : -, :¯’’’’’’’’’’’¯ : : _,,-~’’ : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| : : : : : : : : :
: : : : : : :¯’’~~~~~~’’’ : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : | : : : : : : : : : - dvsbastard, on 11/21/2008, -2/+132Article text (since apparently the server is having a few issues...)
XCV. Once You Pop…
Well I had had just about enough of that!
I mean sure, when you live in a building in the misty shadow of a freeway overpass in a post-apocalyptic looking stretch of Old San Francisco Town, a crippled pigeon’s hobble away from the old, burnt out docks, you have to expect some ne’re-do-wells to come creeping around from time to time to cause a little mischief. It’s part of the charm! But my 1984 Cadillac Eldorado, an American classic that one would think even the most desperate, rock-hungry crackhead would respect enough to limp by at a wide berth with little more than a reverential whistle, had been broken into for the fourth time, and its interior had been stripped of pretty much everything except a few swaths of fine faux wood paneling.
I had to take action. Immediately.
I considered staging an all night stakeout with my blowgun in the bushes across the street from the gravel lot where I park and dart the next infidel who dared enter Sarge’s golden chariot, but there was a double episode of “Deal Or No Deal” on so that wasn’t an option.
Instead, I decided to lay a trap, literally. And believe you me, this trap I had in mind would teach my burglar such an awful lesson, I knew he’d be down to the closest public library to make a HotJobs account first thing the next morning. I was going to send that bitch on the straight and narrow.
I went to the store and bought a can of olestra Pringles, the fat free ones that warn that they’ll cause whoever is foolish enough to enjoy them “loose stools.” And as I watched some idiot who had just explained to Howie Mandel how she needed to win at least $300,000 to pay for a crucial medical procedure for her mom and to one day send her wild children to college decide to go for the million dollar top prize after she already had over $400,000 in the bank, I started eating those Pringles. Eating them with abandon, more or less drinking them right out of the tube.
When I got about halfway through the can of delicious potato flake crisps, and the greedy idiot woman had lost all of her money to that evil banker, I felt a rumble deep in my bowels.
My plan was working.
I carefully removed the remaining half of the Pringles from the can to keep their uniformity from being compromised and hunched towards the bathroom with the empty tube.
And then, just like the label warned, my bowels began to go slack. But rather than deposit their troubled contents into the toilet bowl, I shot them into the bottom of the Pringles can, filling about a quarter of the tube with a fine brown froth before setting it aside. Once my bowels had finished uncoiling in the toilet and I knew I was in no danger of leaving the safety of the bathroom, I cleaned off my war torn ass, picked up my defiled Pringles can, and headed back to the living room, where the rest of the chips lay in wait.
I then carefully placed the uneaten chips back in the can, making it look like a mostly full tube of delicious Pringles. I replaced the cap, waited for a commercial break, and took my creation out to the Cadillac, placing it right on the dashboard with the doors unlocked.
About an hour later, after some other nitwit had greedily bet away a life-changing sum of money on “Deal Or No Deal,” I heard a blood-curdling scream from outside my window, followed by several minutes straight of stomach evacuating retching.
My enemy had taken the bait, pressing his luck with the contents of my beautiful car one too many times, going for the crackhead equivalent of the top prize and losing it all, and I haven’t had the Cadillac broken into since.
Yes, once you pop, you can’t stop, that is until you realize that that last Pringle you just ate was sitting on a polluted sea of Martin Sargent’s wrath. And that won’t just make you stop eating Pringles, but stop everything and completely reevaluate your ***** up life… - bbjr, on 11/21/2008, -7/+93A forewarning, this is NOT for the feint of heart... errr, stomach. He gets his revenge on someone who keeps breaking into his car. So gross, so funny, and so hard to look away from the text. Thankfully, there are no pictures.
- anachronaut, on 11/21/2008, -0/+72Why would he have smelled his shirt? He was opening a can of Pringles, not a can of shirts. RTFA, dude. What I found unbelievable was that he didn't smell the ***** the instant he opened the can, which is why I think the article, in addition to the alleged can, is at least halfway full of crap.
- DustinHill, on 11/21/2008, -1/+51Martin is always good for a laugh! I can't wait until he's back on a regular show.
- asgardshill, on 11/21/2008, -0/+49After thieves ganked the stereo out of my car twice in a month, I took a bunch of old rusty fish hooks and tied them together on a piece of thick fishing line. Then I wadded the whole mess up and tied it to the back of the new player when I installed it in the dash.
One morning about a week later, I came out to find my car door open and a bunch of blood on the ground next to the car. But the stereo was still there, and it was never bothered again. - captainsniz, on 11/21/2008, -1/+49Yea, Not buying it...Good story though :)
- b33x, on 11/21/2008, -0/+40OM NOM NOM NOM... hURGHH
- starf, on 11/21/2008, -2/+40The thief didn't smell the shirt the instant he opened the can?
- charlietuna, on 11/21/2008, -0/+37The smell wouldn't be a tipoff?
- JordanM85, on 11/21/2008, -2/+38Martin, you should try this trick on Jim Louderback.... or maybe it was him.
- victoryroadrage, on 11/21/2008, -0/+29Mom!! Bathroom! Bathroom!
- simonowens, on 11/21/2008, -20/+49This story seems a little too stylized and reads like fiction. Sorry, but it definitely set off my ***** (pun intended) alarm. It especially seems a little too convenient that the thief not only struck again that night, but he also paused in front of the car to eat a whole can of Pringles.
- MalarkeyPN, on 11/21/2008, -0/+27you bring your computer to the toilet?
unless...
... wait, that's too terrible to imagine. - Jemulov, on 11/21/2008, -1/+28He seems to have accidentally the whole sentence.
- rigi42, on 11/21/2008, -4/+29. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _________
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ./ It’s a crap!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _,,,--~~~~~~~~--,_ . . . . ._________/
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,-‘ : : : :::: :::: :: : : : : :º ‘-, . . /. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .,-‘ :: : : :::: :::: :::: :::: : : :o : ‘-, . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . ,-‘ :: ::: :: : : :: :::: :::: :: : : : : :O ‘-, . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .,-‘ : :: :: :: :: :: : : : : : , : : :º :::: :::: ::’; . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .,-‘ / / : :: :: :: :: : : :::: :::-, ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ; . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . /,-‘,’ :: : : : : : : : : :: :: :: : ‘-, ;; ;; ;; ;; ;; ;;| . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . /,’,-‘ :: :: :: :: :: :: :: : ::_,-~~,_’-, ;; ;; ;; ;; | . . . . . . .
. . . . . _/ :,’ :/ :: :: :: : : :: :: _,-‘/ : ,-‘;’-‘’’’’~-, ;; ;; ;;,’ . . . . . . . .
. . . ,-‘ / : : : : : : ,-‘’’ : : :,--‘’ :|| /,-‘-‘--‘’’__,’’’ ;; ;,-‘ . . . . . . . .
. . . :/,, : : : _,-‘ --,,_ : : : ||/ /,-‘-‘x### :: ;;/ . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . / /---‘’’’ : # : : : : : | | : (O##º : :/ /-‘’ . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . /,’____ : : ‘-# : , : : : : ‘-,___,-‘,-`-,, . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . ‘ ) : : : :’’’’--,,--,,,,,,¯ :: ::--,,_’’-,,’’’¯ :’- :’-, . . . . . . . . .
. . . . .) : : : : : : ,, : ‘’’’~~~~’ :: :: :: :’’’’’¯ :: ,-‘ :,/ . . . . . . . . .
. . . . .,/ /|| | :/ / : : : : : : : ,’-, :: :: :: :: ::,--‘’ :,-‘ . . . . . . . .
. . . . .’| |/ ‘/ / :: :_--,, : , | )’; :: :: :: :,-‘’ : ,-‘ : : : , . . . . . . .
. . . ./¯ :| | : |/ :: ::----, :/ :|/ :: :: ,-‘’ : :,-‘ : : : : : : ‘’-,,_ . . . .
. . ..| : : :/ ‘’-(, :: :: :: ‘’’’’~,,,,,’’ :: ,-‘’ : :,-‘ : : : : : : : : :,-‘’’ . . . .
. ,-‘ : : : | : : ‘’) : : :¯’’’’~-,: : ,--‘’’ : :,-‘’ : : : : : : : : : ,-‘ :¯’’’’’-,_ .
./ : : : : :’-, :: | :: :: :: _,,-‘’’’¯ : ,--‘’ : : : : : : : : : : : / : : : : : : :’’-,
/ : : : : : -, :¯’’’’’’’’’’’¯ : : _,,-~’’ : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| : : : : : : : : :
: : : : : : :¯’’~~~~~~’’’ : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : | : : : : : : : : : - DiggityDugged, on 11/21/2008, -0/+22This very same "***** in a pringles can, cover it with pringles" prank has been talked about a lot lately around the net in the last two weeks, so I call *****. Sure, maybe he heard the prank, and decided to actually give it a try, but I doubt it. A few hours after he ***** in a pringles can someone falls for it? Yeah right. Besides, the original joke was funnier -- put the *****-pringles-can back on the shelves of a grocery store, and do it once a week, so that every week the local store gets a complaint of someone ***** in pringles cans.
- lacreme, on 11/21/2008, -1/+23My 1998 AS/400 had been accessed for the tenth time today, and the site its been hosting had been stripped of pretty much everything except a few pages of html and text. I had to take action. Immediately.
- Divals, on 11/21/2008, -1/+22That'd be Admiral.
- OrangeTide, on 11/21/2008, -1/+22mine have no more smell than freshly baked biscuits.
- MalarkeyPN, on 11/21/2008, -12/+32Nobody cares if your puns were intended.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=pu ... - StolenLamp, on 11/21/2008, -1/+19You ***** win.
- 80hd, on 11/21/2008, -0/+17Awsome. Imagine what the poor guy who ate those must have been thinking.
"WHO POOPS IN A CAN?!?!?"
Good read except for the white and navy that make me hallucinate lines on normal webpages for a few minutes after... I hate that - achoo5000, on 11/21/2008, -3/+20learn english
- idc5, on 11/21/2008, -2/+19why censor ***** on digg?
- StolenLamp, on 11/21/2008, -0/+15***** awesome.
- Canadacdn, on 11/21/2008, -2/+17That guy is lucky the thief didn't decide to vomit into his vehicle, as well as dispose of the pringles can inside of it. What a stupid idea.
- rac1234, on 11/21/2008, -0/+14I bring mine to the toilet too, but I've usually soiled myself by the time I've hooked up the keyboard, monitor, mouse, ethernet cable and external hard drive.
- carl25, on 11/21/2008, -0/+13what if the robber threw the can back into the car and spread the ***** all over
- barroni, on 11/21/2008, -0/+13Dugg just cause it's Martin and he needs a job
- pencilneck, on 11/21/2008, -1/+13Work of fiction. Sorry, but I have my doubts that the stink of runny ***** is going to stay in the cardboard tube. Then when the car is opened, the smell doesn't come out even more so the person would eat some chips. Even more, the ***** wasn't poured onto the dash and seats?
- jjallday, on 11/21/2008, -0/+12Olestra. Strong stuff.
- OrangeTide, on 11/21/2008, -0/+10spammer ass
- e6d5, on 11/21/2008, -6/+17It's 'faint'.
- captainbethany, on 11/21/2008, -0/+10I don't care, I find nothing more hilarious than an appropriately-placed Akbar.
- Poseur117, on 11/21/2008, -4/+14I love that I was taking a monster dump while reading this.
- jeremyduffy, on 11/21/2008, -0/+9It's a great story and I wish it was real, but come on! Like this guy isn't going to notice the aroma of steaming butt juice coming from the can?
- OperationChris, on 11/21/2008, -1/+10Martin is not a man to be messed with
- hooah212002, on 11/21/2008, -1/+10you mean you DON'T bring yours to the *****? How absurd!
- dr3minem, on 11/21/2008, -0/+8'Cause **** you, thats why!
- Diggnabbit, on 11/21/2008, -2/+10What kind of webdesign is it to put a big, blue bar down the middle of the page making all of the text illegible?
- superal1394, on 11/21/2008, -0/+7Not all the graphics loaded. Reload.
- KibibyteBrain, on 11/21/2008, -0/+6Who knows, maybe he was like Captain Kirk and got demoted. After all, those movies were said to take place long ago.
- Chemixst, on 11/21/2008, -0/+6I was hoping there would be more violence, like a deadly bear trap, still poop is funny
- algaeturd, on 11/21/2008, -0/+6Fake. Try spraying 'frothy' diarreah into a small tube of Pringles, try stacking pringles on top of said frothy turd spray, try to keep it all enclosed and 'organized' with a simple snap on plastic cap, try to not let it seep out the sides as it sets on a 'dashboard,' try to keep the car from smelling like *****, tipping off any would-be burglar and try to get them to NOT notice the smell of olestra ***** spray when a plastic cap is taken off of the can.
Absolutely never happened. If you believe this ***** (literally), I want to try to convince you that Obama wasn't born in America. Who else would fall for such stupidity? - Kronos6948, on 11/21/2008, -0/+5Dude...when my ex lived with me, her car was a target for these prick bastards. Thanks for letting me live vicariously through your episode of revenge.
- queenofpainting, on 11/21/2008, -0/+5I think I'm too traumatized to eat Pringles now.
- Lloydinator, on 11/21/2008, -0/+4Ok, it's either the thief had a bad sense of smell, or Martin Sargent's excrements are odourless.
- zoziw, on 11/21/2008, -0/+4Stupid freakin kids these days just don't understand the appeal of faux wood panelling.
What's next? No fuzzy wallpaper in the living room? - hiimcliff, on 11/21/2008, -0/+4Well I would, before I read this...
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