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Ultimate masterbation speech watch!

youtube.com — The ultimate masterbation speech to a 12 years. From Showtime's comedy "Weeds".

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  • sfmman, on 10/12/2007, -4/+49Funny and true.
    • ghm101, on 10/12/2007, -76/+7I do hope this doesn't end up on diggnation, it may lower the tone of the podcast.

    • ActiveMatx, on 10/12/2007, -71/+13My roomate is morman, and says he has never masturbated before.... He's 23 years old.... believe this guy or what?
    • ghm101, on 10/12/2007, -62/+3I guess you guys only get irony when it is spelled out for you with a tag?

    • LexisNexis, on 10/12/2007, -8/+25You need an unfunny tag.
    • brundlefly76, on 10/12/2007, -4/+23omg what a letdown! When I saw it was from Weeds I thought Mary Louise Parker would be giving the speech - I *really* wanted her to teach me...
    • CeeJayDK, on 10/12/2007, -4/+62@ ActiveMatx : In my experience there are two kinds of men :
      1) Thoose who'll admit to have masturbated (at least once in their life)
      2) Thoose who lie.
    • cmw72, on 10/12/2007, -1/+24That is exactly what Joycelyn Elders said on Penn & Teller's B.S.

      You may recall she was Bill Clinton's former Surgeon General who was fired for proposing that teenagers masturbate as opposed to engaging in risky sexual behavior.
    • TechnoGuyRob, on 10/12/2007, -26/+4What the jack is masterbation?
    • super_spyder, on 10/12/2007, -2/+5i watched this on tv with my girlfriend........ and my parents.... awkward
  • sphinx13, on 10/12/2007, -6/+31That show is awesome.
  • StellarlyAstral, on 10/12/2007, -5/+36When I saw it on the show I thought it was one of the best things I've seen on TV on masturbation and one of the best things I've seen on TV all year.
    • kurupt, on 10/12/2007, -3/+16Here here. Andy's had some wonderful lines on the show. The writing for Weeds is top notch, and this scene in particular just highlighted it. I burst into uncontrollable laughter at all of his metaphors as I watched it. I hope they win an emmy next year.
    • SgnDave, on 10/12/2007, -6/+7@kurupt:

      "Hear, hear"*
    • Kale, on 10/12/2007, -10/+3Thank you SgnDave. It's "Hear, Hear!" as in, "Everybody listen!". I see it misspelled more often than not.

      /Rant mode off
    • CriX, on 10/12/2007, -1/+5Is that really what "Pearl Jam" means?? haha, never thought of that...
  • BicBall, on 10/12/2007, -6/+66is this like masturbation?
    • asdffds, on 10/12/2007, -8/+39I was expecting a video about mastering baiting.
  • dbug, on 10/12/2007, -5/+75Bananas? WTF!
    • rssurvivor, on 10/12/2007, -19/+3exactly my thought :P
    • dogfurnace, on 10/12/2007, -20/+4Totally, a sock is no good but bananas are? If memory serves at that age the lad would be going through bushels worth. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere...
    • jo42, on 10/12/2007, -2/+19> joke in there somewhere

      Later in the episode, mom and her friend wonder why son is eating so many bananas as he takes one on the way to his room...
    • mattb5, on 10/12/2007, -2/+4Bananas will help replace the potassium. Baby batter is high in potassium.
  • mywhitenoise, on 10/12/2007, -7/+58*mastUrbation
    • hessian, on 10/12/2007, -1/+9I was waiting the whole time for the joke where it would explain the spelling mistake given it was done twice. Someone didn't use the spell checker before submission.
    • ayeroxor, on 10/12/2007, -1/+30"to a 12 years" ?

      I, for one, welcome our new "me try speaka English" submitters.
    • chobbney, on 10/12/2007, -5/+29Me fail English? That unpossible!

      /Ralph Wiggum
    • diktator279, on 10/12/2007, -0/+10You should never have to specify a Simpson's quote. Anyone who doesn't get it doesn't deserve to get it. That one's a classic.
  • danwhite, on 10/12/2007, -2/+32I found the part at the end with the assignment of "homework" with the banana especially funny, seeing the kids eyes light up and then he runs off. Hilarious.
    • redDC143C, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2Hmm.... bananas... nature's sex stick for adolescents.
  • Raingwc, on 10/12/2007, -4/+3I saw the show and laughed good when I saw that part. Love the show :)
  • paulryan21, on 10/12/2007, -4/+3Great show - I watched my first episode the other day in the UK. I got to the end and though - what da hell - how did they get this on television. I'm glad they did because it is bloody funny.
    I certainly don't recall having a chat with my uncle about this subject when I was 12.
    But warm bananas in the microwave !!! Oh dear !!!
    • sc0tt, on 10/12/2007, -15/+12why do people in England seem to be fascinated with using "da" instead of "the", is the one extra key just too much? :(
    • crazyhobo, on 10/12/2007, -19/+46why do people in America seem to be fascinated with using "color" instead of "colour", is the one extra key just too much? :(
    • betterth, on 10/12/2007, -11/+21Because we say "cah-ler" not "cah-loor" which would be the correct pronounciation if it had the added u.
    • LexisNexis, on 10/12/2007, -4/+41We spell it differently, deal. There is no place in the world where "da" is proper spelling for "the".
    • hollowmedia, on 10/12/2007, -11/+5In German, da is the proper spelling of the[re].


      I got nothing.
    • CeeJayDK, on 10/12/2007, -12/+6Incorrect - In german the spelling is "das"

      And who cares about the vs da - da is just slang for the .. perfectly acceptable.
    • InferiorWang, on 10/12/2007, -2/+6"how did they get this on television."

      It's made by Showtime, a premium channel supported by users paying to watch, not ads. So a, there are no advertisers to complain, and b, the FCC can't do anything about it.
    • jo42, on 10/12/2007, -3/+8> There is no place in the world where "da" is proper spelling for "the".

      LA?
    • bigstinky, on 10/12/2007, -7/+3Ever been to Chicago?
  • MrBabyMan, on 10/12/2007, -4/+39Writers love the opportunity to write monologues like this. In a way, this was masturbation for the writer, too.
  • shirtninjay, on 10/12/2007, -10/+8"Step 1: Peel the banana.
    Step 2: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching."

    ROFL! I've never heard of that before!
    • CeeJayDK, on 10/12/2007, -21/+1Try it , it works.

      The problem for me is that I can't find bananas that will fit the girth of my tool, but if you're 12 like the boy in the video , you shouldn't have that problem.
  • AceTracer, on 10/12/2007, -11/+3That banana thing disturbs me. Especially the microwave part.

    I think the writers just wanted to see how many euphemisms for masturbation and penis they could stick into one segment.
  • daveyt, on 10/12/2007, -14/+1Slighly OT, but Mary Louise Parker does if for me more than any other woman on the planet. Esp when she was in the West Wing. Even now, typing this, i have a little bit of a stiffy just thinking about it.
  • vern01, on 10/12/2007, -13/+4Need a wife or girlfriend?

    LOL!
  • Massif, on 10/12/2007, -1/+19This should be the movie they show to the boys when they teach sex ed in elementary school.
  • daveyt, on 10/12/2007, -9/+1Nope got one. I just live with the fact she isnt MLP. But shes gorgeous as well.
  • Sukino, on 10/12/2007, -9/+27You're video on masterbation is rediculous.
    ;)
    • vuzman, on 10/12/2007, -29/+7Your retarded
    • dbug, on 10/12/2007, -2/+25You know, I always wondered what it would be like if english was my first language. When I'm reading a badly written text in my native language, I really have a hard time to do so, because bad grammar and spelling is pretty much torture when you know better. Obviously the internet is full of badly written english, and I can only imagine how awful this has to be for someone with a decent grasp of the language.
    • samadam, on 10/12/2007, -8/+4@ dbug

      Don't worry about it. The truth is that your english is far better than that of most here.
      I am sure your english education was much more formal than ours. I know that I can spot bad grammar in spanish better than I can speak it, just because I was taught it in high school and on a parts of speech basis. Most kids who learn another language, at least in my observations, know things like what a pronoun in spanish is, but have no idea what one in english is. English is taught by the parent, spanish by the teacher with training.

      So if it sounds right to a native speaker, he may just leave it alone. Learning from a text book gives you an advantage, imho.
    • choicetoes, on 10/12/2007, -5/+5In my school, we had a class called "English". In it, we learned about English. The class was 12 years long. I am an American.
    • kasted, on 10/12/2007, -4/+3"Your retarded"

      *raterdad
  • nxxm, on 10/12/2007, -15/+6wtf are you doing with a sock? is this some kind of u.s. of a. habit? anybody care to explain to internationals ?

    socks for masturbation? jebuz crizt.
    • Jugalator, on 10/12/2007, -8/+2I think it's rather a circumcision habit, so yes, probably in large a US habit.
      (at least in ccomparison to in Europe, where your foreskin is rather the "sock")
    • wtfdaemon, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2I never got the whole sock thing either...... sounds like guys that don't have a decent idea how to pleasure themselves using masturbation techniques passed on down the years from great-great-grandfather Jimmy who didn't have lotion and couldn't afford to use oil.
  • heidivodka, on 10/12/2007, -3/+12I have never understood the sock thing, maybe because I'm a woman. You just cannot replace the feeling of skin on skin
    • Chrierton, on 10/12/2007, -2/+8Apparently if your circumcised it's better with a sock. Since most yanks have their bits chopped the sock thing there seems quite prevalent. No chop, no sock.
    • CeeJayDK, on 10/12/2007, -22/+1If you're not circumcised, you can just clamp down on the foreskin as you cum. Hold everything inside until you can dispose of it somewhere more suitable like the toilet or a papertowel.
    • Kles, on 10/12/2007, -2/+15Dunno about you, CeeJay, but I pump out a little more than what can be held. >_
    • B111, on 10/12/2007, -4/+16a woman, on digg, unpossible ;-)
    • wtfdaemon, on 10/12/2007, -3/+2Strongly agreed, see above.
    • CeeJayDK, on 10/12/2007, -5/+1@ Kles , either clamp down harder or maturbate more often (so the testicles get less time to produce semen and you pump out less)
  • arcrad, on 10/12/2007, -8/+2I am thinking that the sock would seem like a logical choice for most people just starting to begin to fight the one eyed yogurt slinger. It semi-absorbant, in an understandable shape and is large enough to support almost any member.

    "I have never understood the sock thing, maybe because I'm a woman. You just cannot replace the feeling of skin on skin"
    Albeit you cant replace the feeling on your hand with a sock, your hand doesnt nearly come close to the real thing anyway.
  • nekteo, on 10/12/2007, -14/+4I really dun wan to sound stupid here, but what is the name of the show?
    • danmed, on 10/12/2007, -10/+4too late.
    • georgelogy, on 10/12/2007, -14/+6Umm, if you had watched the clip or read the description, it clearly says the show name: "Weeds".

      If you didn't catch that, you must be unbelievably dense.
  • cyphin6, on 10/12/2007, -8/+3"Creamy Alfredo"
  • zcreem, on 10/12/2007, -8/+1Wancher
  • biohzrd, on 10/12/2007, -5/+3Dugg for the simple fact that I didn't know season 2 was out yet. Getting all the passed episodes I have missed in this amazing show now.
  • CeeJayDK, on 10/12/2007, -10/+5If you want to know more about masturbation here is the URL for a site I recommend :
    http://www.jackinworld.com/
  • Kbennett, on 10/12/2007, -8/+2Standing (no pun intended) ovation.
  • illego, on 10/12/2007, -7/+2Is youtube down for anyone else?
  • wibblewibble, on 10/12/2007, -8/+1I guess he is the MASTER DEBATOR :)
  • seandfeeney, on 10/12/2007, -6/+1Aside from the idiot that wrote this post, this show is great I have watched every episode and i love it. It's absolutely hilarious!
  • B111, on 10/12/2007, -6/+1ANd you guys like that, wait until episode 4 of the current season (don't want to spoil it for people that haven't watched the pre-air episodes).
  • mkoby, on 10/12/2007, -3/+5I hate to add what's already been said, but I have to say this is one of the funniest moments of the show so far. The writing for this show is priceless and it's one of the best shows on TV right now.

    And the end of that episode is priceless if you've watched the series from the Season 1 finale on.
  • ScottTaylor, on 10/12/2007, -4/+2funny as.... :) good work
  • ZebraGang13, on 10/12/2007, -5/+0::*Runs To Get A Banana*::
  • NanoStuff, on 10/12/2007, -4/+0Banana peel, hmm, that could work.
  • thatgirlismine, on 10/12/2007, -5/+2I have to say I really enjoyed the first episode of the first season of Weeds, but since then it's only gone downhill. None of the characters are particularly realistic, nor most of the situations surrounding the dealing of marijuana. The main characters "clientele" of five middle aged min going in on a business venture of growing pot is pretty stupid. I don't know, maybe it's just me but I think the show jumped the shark awhile ago.
  • StoneDead, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2Is this season one or two (if there is a two)?
    • JeeBs, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1This is season two. The episode with the speech is episode 3 'Last Tango In Agrestic'.
  • JeeBs, on 10/12/2007, -0/+4I wonder if this will create a 'digg' effect on bananas? Go to the grocery store today and see if they have many in stock.
  • Waterrat, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2"@ ActiveMatx : In my experience there are two kinds of men :
    1) Thoose who'll admit to have masturbated (at least once in their life)
    2) Thoose who lie."

    The same goes for females.
    I had a friend who gave her daughter a similar talk so she could take care of that sex drive without feeling obligated to have sex with someone she really didn't want to when she got older.
  • Smeed, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Strange Botwin FTW!


    If you dont know who Im talking about, you obviously dont watch the show.
  • Seanpr123, on 10/12/2007, -3/+2http://www.bugmenot.com/view/youtube.com
    • fatas, on 10/12/2007, -3/+2none of those ***** passwords work.

      Is there a non- signup ***** alternative location for this video?
    • kalleanka, on 10/12/2007, -3/+1Well it worked for me.
      Thanks!
  • kd1s, on 10/12/2007, -1/+3Oh that was brilliant. Of course this won't run over the air because the fundies would have apoplectic fits at the mere mention of masturbation and its various nicknames.

    I do wish we were so much less hung up about sex here in the U.S. I think we'd all be better off if we did person to person with ourselves a little more frequently.
  • lemcoe9, on 10/12/2007, -1/+2WOW! I like the homework :)
  • richiestang78, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Everyone does it regardless of religion or bliefs, it is a natural thing that we do without being taught, by insticnt so to say. Funny clip but the banana thing was alittle too much.
  • Seumas, on 10/12/2007, -2/+1It's spelled with a U not an E.
    • TheLastGnu, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1I do believe we've established this
  • gd007, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2funny, but no banana. it should be as free as digg or youtube.
  • ChiKoo, on 10/12/2007, -0/+310 bucks says half the users on digg tried the banana peel. :-)
  • AceTracer, on 10/12/2007, -0/+4I think we should pass a law, if you can't spell masturbate, you can't do it.
  • Pignanelli, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1wow, child abuse...
    haha Randy Johnson... creamy italian... lol
  • Farnex, on 10/12/2007, -0/+2Every Father should memorize that speech to give to his son. Funny, but also pretty stress free and sincere. I thought it was great.
  • LydiaGenung, on 10/12/2007, -0/+1Dude, I so love this show!
  •  

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