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My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’

cracked.com — You know, the little grabby-arm used for wiping your ass. Well it doesn't work.

Who dugg this? Made popular Jun 17, 2009

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165 Comments

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  • Pinkertinkle, on 06/17/2009, -2/+234"Sir, I try to stand as far away from that product as possible."
    awesome CSR
  • mrgreenjeans, on 06/16/2009, -1/+221"...allows you to maintain your dignity, while you maintain your personal hygiene."

    Ah crap, Hon!? C'mere an' rinse off my Comfort Wipe! I got ***** all over it again! ...ah jeez it's all over my hands.
  • bossm4n, on 06/17/2009, -0/+189"After all we’ve been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?"

    I lost it right there, and the funny continued to grow. One of the better things from Cracked I've seen in a while.
  • geodescent, on 06/17/2009, -0/+149"I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN."

    How true that is
  • arma, on 06/17/2009, -5/+140Buttscratcha? Buttscractcha! Buttscratcha :(
  • mentallyinhell, on 06/16/2009, -0/+131The infomercial left me ***** speechless.
  • analreceiver, on 06/17/2009, -4/+135Michael, you’re a gentleman and a scholar.
  • Gr1nch, on 06/17/2009, -0/+114It wasn't a failed attempt! He got his money back!

    and:

    Michael, I am an honest man who has gotten caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce, and now I’m in too deep. The only way I know how to get out is by sticking things in my ass, but it would seem that is no longer enough. I need your help.

    He needs a paypal donation button.
  • sockpuppets, on 06/17/2009, -2/+113I always wondered how fat people wiped their ass.

    While we're on that note, isn't not being able to wipe your own ass a good sign you should go on a ***** diet?
  • Ghurks, on 06/17/2009, -0/+92I used to work in a call centre for some time, and this seemed like your run-of-the-mill jackass... until I got here:

    CALLER
    I was using it on the bus.

    CSR
    Damnit, what did I just tell you?

    Then I couldn't stop laughing. Well done.
  • dnasty27, on 06/17/2009, -0/+81Cracked finally lives up to its name...
  • MrCheerios, on 06/17/2009, -0/+71"OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?"

    I love how the sense of dread comes through via text.
  • Oea420, on 06/17/2009, -0/+67That call center (4 people she said?) sounds like a pretty chill place to work.. I can imagine they were having quite the laugh at this guy as well
  • sjbdallas, on 06/17/2009, -1/+64I wish I could digg this a hundred times because it is the funniest thing I've ever read.
  • Xider, on 06/17/2009, -2/+63I like the part where he called again.
  • gravyleaves, on 06/17/2009, -2/+55oh.... my.... god.... i haven't finished the article.... just had to come up for air because i've been laughing uncontrollably for 5 minutes straight
  • dvsbastard, on 06/17/2009, -3/+55That is one ***** product...
  • alexka, on 06/17/2009, -0/+51THERE'S ***** EVERYWHERE!
  • Stinkylicious, on 06/17/2009, -1/+50"Well none of that matters because there is a whole asswad - pun fully intended - of consumer protection laws which say you can’t sell faulty merchandise. This Comfort Wipe broke during its first use. You owe me a refund. I know this, you know this, so let’s do this thing. Otherwise I start talking to your manager and start shipping turds to you. What’s it going to be?"

    Two drops of pee came out.
  • darkened, on 06/17/2009, -0/+49This was one of the funniest things I've ever read.
  • hotsauzz, on 06/17/2009, -1/+46audios or it didn't happen
  • AlJensen, on 06/17/2009, -0/+43"it was a dry run..." I could ***** Die right now and I would be happy
  • Hellman109, on 06/17/2009, -0/+39Yeah something tells me it made their day funnier cause he didnt just yell at them.
  • darkened, on 06/17/2009, -0/+34No it means it's time to order creative products off of late night infomercials, such as this. And then to place another order with the swan delivery guy for more fried chicken wrapped in bacon in gravy.
  • austinataustin, on 06/17/2009, -1/+33My side hurts now. Thank you Cracked.
  • Y0tsuya, on 06/17/2009, -1/+33No it means going down to the DMV to get a disabled placard so you can do even less walking.
  • mkNix, on 06/17/2009, -0/+29And again.
  • mejf2loy, on 06/17/2009, -6/+34haha dugg for "ah jeez it's all over my hands."
  • freedomischaos, on 06/17/2009, -2/+28"I promise that you will hear nary a peep from any of my orifices again sir."

    Good day, sir.
  • Jeremyz0r, on 06/17/2009, -0/+25I prefer the 3 shells.
  • dazparkour, on 06/17/2009, -0/+23The world is not ready for something that funny yet.
  • BottledViolence, on 06/17/2009, -0/+23Laugh all you want but you wouldn't think its so funny if you had 2 long arm casts from broken wrists due to a motorcycle accident and couldn't properly wipe your ass for 6 weeks. You really learn who your friends are. I don't have many friends any more.
  • zantos420, on 06/17/2009, -0/+22And again.
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  • RyanXmetal, on 06/17/2009, -1/+22And again...since the same person picked up twice.
  • tas08, on 06/17/2009, -0/+21Eeew.
    I'll go grab you my Comfort Wipe.
  • Velnich, on 06/17/2009, -8/+28Hilarious, but I have trouble buying it as something other then fiction.
  • efice32, on 06/17/2009, -2/+21dugg down for improper use of "then"
  • TheXuu, on 06/17/2009, -0/+18"An Ass," Ass..
  • twiztidsinz, on 06/17/2009, -1/+18Seriously... what the *****?
  • machocheese34, on 06/17/2009, -0/+17working at a ***** stick company you cant really take yourself so seriously.
  • dazparkour, on 06/17/2009, -0/+17Buttscratcha!
  • superfusion, on 06/17/2009, -1/+18A, not a

    T, not t

    buy, not by.

    two, not 2

    . not ..
  • balthisar, on 06/17/2009, -2/+19"I am honestly a little suspicious that it it’s a real product. However, please don’t let the fact that this may not be a real product negatively affect your enjoyment of the following tale of my attempts to return one, which I can assure you is not fictional in any way."

    Just because so many people are thinking that this really happened.
  • minnecrapolis, on 06/17/2009, -0/+16And that line just made me burst out laughing again.
  • stokd, on 06/17/2009, -0/+15Will it keep poo off my Snuggie? You know, cuz it has such long sleeves, and my shoulder pains prevent me from wiping my ass on a regular basis.
  • lambchoppe, on 06/17/2009, -0/+15If you're going to be a giant douche about vocab and grammar at least make sure you're well educated on the subject.
  • Gr1nch, on 06/17/2009, -0/+15EVERYWHERE?
  • Velnich, on 06/17/2009, -2/+16My apologies kind sir.
  • ConfusedCartman, on 06/17/2009, -0/+13EVERYWHERE!
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