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103 Comments
- vladsmiljanic, on 09/01/2008, -4/+94God I love the Onion
- jotate, on 09/02/2008, -4/+91Man, just for a second I thought this was a legit article with an inaccurate title. You got me again, you tear-jerking bastards.
- inactive, on 09/02/2008, -3/+50The Kansas Board of Education also voted today to eliminate mandatory teaching of the theory of evaporation from schools across the state. Most scientists believe that water and other liquids are spontaneously converted by so-called evaporation into the form of a gas, and carried off into the atmosphere. This, they say, is the explanation behind sudden disappearances of water all across the state.
Many non-scientists, however, stand by the widely accepted theory that a lovable invisible two-headed thirsty blue giraffe named Clarence is responsible for the disappearances. The two theories, evaporation and Giraffism, will now be taught on a more equal footing to school-children across Kansas. Parents are pleased, saying that Giraffism is easier to understand and far more comforting to small children. "There's nothing happy about evaporation," says Frank Nubbins, father of Jason, 6, and Sue Ellen, 4. "Clarence the giraffe is blue, and he's lovable. You can't say that about evaporation, that's for sure. I love my children."
"Nobody has ever adequately explained evaporation," says Dr. Harold Thumper, of the Kansas Board of Education. "With evaporation, we're expected to imagine that water just disappears, all by itself, with no rhyme or reason. That's ridiculous."
Clarence the lovable invisible two-headed blue giraffe, on the other hand, is always thirsty, an explanation which is simple and obvious. He has a well-established presence in children's literature. "Every culture on the planet," says Dr. Thumper "has a story about giraffes, or thirstiness, or lovable blue things. Most of these have happy, happy endings. My children just love these stories. But I challenge you to find a single good story about evaporation."
The theory of evaporation is getting a dry reception in academia these days. At leading universities including Harvard, Stanford, and MIT, it's impossible to find a single professor of Evaporation on the faculty. "What's the point?" says Gwen O'Malley, dean of the Harvard Medical School. "It's not exactly a good career move to spend your life trying to explain evaporation to people." - AsianChopsticks, on 09/01/2008, -2/+47"Agribusiness leaders, who rely on evolution science to genetically modify crops, have voiced concerns about doing business with Kansas farmers."
Hahaha - MelvinSchlubman, on 09/02/2008, -1/+41Did you notice that it was more of a slam of the right than of the left?
- inactive, on 09/02/2008, -4/+43Having recently escaped from Kansas City, I believe it's important to note that independent of any legislation, the entire region had apparently abandoned the practice of evolution approximately 500-600 years ago.
- StatusWoe, on 09/02/2008, -1/+32woosh!
- WhiskeyLemur, on 06/30/2009, -0/+29I was afraid that it was a legit article with an *accurate* title.
- cloudberries, on 09/02/2008, -0/+22Do you really do so much else that's so important in the other 1438 minutes of the day that you lament the loss of 2 minutes so keenly?
- asauterChicago, on 09/02/2008, -1/+21Obvious Troll is obvious.
- fxu1989, on 09/02/2008, -2/+22Oh man I got so enraged when I read the title. For the first time, I looked at the header hoping it was The Onion...
You got me good! - ProfessorSYM, on 09/02/2008, -0/+17Here's a solution: Don't read them.
- futuretheory, on 09/02/2008, -0/+13Just so it's clear, we threw out the board of education that tried to force creationism in the very next election. New board reversed that crap, but sadly, the damage was done such that these jokes keep coming. We deserve it.
- MammasMilk, on 09/02/2008, -2/+14Reminds me of an article a while back when Bill Nye the Science Guy was saying how sunlight reflects off the moon and some lady got upset and took her kid out of there because as she understands it the Bible clearly says the moon makes it's own light.
- Eezyville, on 09/02/2008, -0/+10That title was so misleading I almost fell for it. I expected Kansas to try and ban evolution.
- krisscofield, on 09/02/2008, -1/+10You got me Onion--I fell for it for a second. Been to Kansas. Sounds about right.
- danielcjtodd, on 09/02/2008, -9/+17god bless dumberica!
- stickyman, on 09/02/2008, -1/+9"If Earth's species were meant to change over successive generations through physical modifications resulting from the adaptation to environmental challenges, then God would have given them the genetic predisposition to select mates and reproduce based on their favourable heritable traits and their ability to thrive under changing conditions so that these advantageous qualities would be passed down and eventually encoded into the DNA of each generation of offspring," Olathe public school teacher and creationist Joyce Eckhardt said. "It's just not natural."
Golden - browntiger, on 09/02/2008, -2/+9Don't feed the troll.
But, honestly, same nasty repukes who deny evolution, could never give explanation why are we testing drugs on monkeys?
If darwin theory of evolution is soo wrong, why test drugs on monkeys. Let's test them on cows. - inactive, on 09/02/2008, -0/+7... it's funny, but the whole time I was reading your reply, all I could hear was Dueling Banjos.
- Magnus150, on 09/02/2008, -1/+8I'm from Texas, and even WE are smarter then Kansas.
Mainly because we have Austin, though. - Mysk, on 09/02/2008, -0/+7I live in Kansas. Thought you were surprised? I darn near crapped my socks when I saw this headline in my feeds.
- BXRWXR, on 09/02/2008, -1/+8Mega-woosh!
- IceColdFreezie, on 09/02/2008, -0/+5See, i think the thing everyone's doing here is called a "joke".
That means, we don't really feel like you are all red neckin' religious-nut farmers. We're "joking".
You must get very upset over any form of sarcasm/satire... - MammasMilk, on 09/02/2008, -1/+6Sad when something satirical comes so close to reality you have to do a double-take to make sure it isn't real.
- MammasMilk, on 09/02/2008, -1/+6So Stevanoski, is ignorance really bliss?
Always wondered about that, figured you would know. - fireashes, on 09/02/2008, -1/+6this guy did not read the article.
- manicleek, on 09/02/2008, -0/+4no, he's proved right by the fact this even has to be satirised
- MrColdheart, on 09/02/2008, -0/+4Wow The Onion is getting good too good at spoofing.
I was so ready to believe this. - tehWyman, on 08/19/2009, -0/+4Having previously lived in Kansas, there are a lot of idiots that believe in Creationism. Even when presented with the evidence, some of the smartest kids, including the valedictorian, thought I was a moron for being an evolutionary Christian. It really upsets me when someone that intelligent falls into that group.
- Taiyoryu, on 09/02/2008, -0/+4The irony is, should such a policy ever be enacted, in order to enforce that policy you would need to actually accept and understand evolution.
- roho76, on 09/02/2008, -1/+5I think the funniest article I have seen on The Onion is "McCain Chooses Palin As VP".
It reeks of humor. - MacParrot, on 09/02/2008, -0/+4Huh...I would have thought there would be more hyper-intelligent thought-gas Simpsons fans here on digg...oh well
- twishart, on 09/02/2008, -0/+4phew - the Onion...
- kwasmosis, on 09/02/2008, -0/+4I totally thought this was true until I read your comment...
- zyklon, on 09/02/2008, -2/+6I wish I could super-block you, so no matter how curious I am, I cannot read your comments.
- triont, on 09/02/2008, -2/+5At least it's better than XKCD.
- jetboyterp, on 09/02/2008, -0/+3This is from 2 years ago. Love the Onion, but damn...digg submitters are really reaching into the "way back" machine lately...
- Matri, on 09/03/2008, -0/+3Know what's sadder? This Onion article is 2 years old, and is still up-to-date.
- Her3t1k, on 09/02/2008, -0/+3Onion you scared me ***** once again. My heart skipped a beat and I thought we were doomed. I need to take offbeat comedy off my rss. I like the onion, but I don't want to die of a heart attack at an early age.
I suppose I should mention that I interpreted the title as "Kansas bans teaching of evolution". The article actually is very funny, I've got to dig it. Still, it scared me half to death. Don't do it again onion, plz? - fireashes, on 09/02/2008, -0/+3never fails on me. Got me this time too. love the onion.
- themastersb, on 09/02/2008, -1/+4You read the comments before the article?
- lekahe, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2What a challenge to make sure that the law is followed :) Funny!
- maverick_swl, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2I love the onion
- Opiate, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2Adam and Eve is metaphorical for the dawn of self consciousness.
- jcani, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2wait... what?!
- Yage2006, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2I think they already banned evolution in Kansas about 1000 tears ago,
- CommanderEFG, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2Got me too. I was about to flip out.
- SDeluxe, on 09/02/2008, -0/+2AHAH, YOU GOT ME ONION, YOU GOT ME..
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