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How to read fortune cookies

xkcd.com — A new way to think immaturely about those famously silly fortune cookies.

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  • db0255, on 05/19/2008, -28/+397must be a monday, wednesday, or friday
    • speakerfordead, on 05/19/2008, -6/+91If not for xkcd you would never know :-p
      • Seth024, on 05/19/2008, -3/+50And there weren't any xkcd comics yesterday or the day before that, so it must be a Monday. Deductive reasoning ftw.
        • Flea08, on 05/19/2008, -1/+25I always get my Wednesdays and Fridays confused though :(
        • leftler, on 05/19/2008, -1/+44Well the easy way to tell them apart is if there is a Zero punctuation on the top too it must be a Wednesday.
        • alexforcefive, on 05/19/2008, -0/+14Also on fridays we all wear hawaiian shirts
    • trekie1701, on 05/19/2008, -16/+5Ur right without Xkcd I couldn't tell time.
    • bob12321, on 05/19/2008, -24/+3Its Sunday.
    • trekie1701, on 05/19/2008, -6/+13Nope, Monday starts at 12:00 Am
      • haydesigner, on 05/20/2008, -0/+2And the reply link is over on the right.
    • Mooinakan, on 05/19/2008, -9/+17I really don't get it. Do we have to put every comic they have on Digg? Why don't people just subscribe to the XKCD feed?
      • kutateli, on 05/20/2008, -0/+3I already subscribed to the people who bitch about XKCD on digg feed.
    • rpark, on 05/20/2008, -0/+2Wells it's not Wednesday because there is no Escapist Review. So it must be a monday or friday...
  • Hairchrm, on 05/19/2008, -123/+47Begin xkcd bashing comments... now!
    • halobender, on 05/19/2008, -5/+83I want to start the Hairchrm bashing comments, you douche.
    • iheartrendering, on 05/19/2008, -11/+28I just wanna take a huge Dump on Hairchrm's chest, while I read me some xkcd.
    • chanop, on 05/19/2008, -3/+15Let's bash on Hairchrm's half deflated basketball of a head....oh...... that's just the standard digg avatar
    • ElJif, on 05/19/2008, -4/+15...except in bed.
  • woggles, on 05/19/2008, -21/+5Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
    -- Harry Secombe's diet


    UNIX Fortune
    • ryan83189, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2What happened last night can happen again.

      UNIX Fortune
    • cesclaveria, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2It was all so different before everything changed.

      UNIX Fortune
  • twrife, on 05/19/2008, -21/+14RSS
    • ElBeh, on 05/19/2008, -5/+5You're right, I /do/ get RSS feeds to Digg. Why have RSS feeds for both Digg and xkcd when I can just get Digg?
  • Krissam, on 05/19/2008, -42/+2Tbqfh, my self-confidence is well placed in bed, but nowhere else :)
    That's the cool part about being geeky, you can just "screw around", and become good at it, because you will have no significant other if you're a true geek :p
    • umpres, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4"Tbqfh"? What the *****..
      • Blandyman, on 05/19/2008, -0/+7To be quite ***** honest. Obscure acronyms you make up on the spot... ftl.
    • dudeguy1234, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1Buried as inaccurate: If you feel the need to tell others about how many chicks you screw, you're lying.
  • teddyrux, on 05/19/2008, -24/+67I liked the comic because I had the opportunity to enjoy it three times. First, because fortune cookies are comparable to the cold-reading of astrology. Then again with, "in bed", and finally, a third time with the newly suggested recommendation found in the comic.
    • NerdyDiggers, on 05/19/2008, -3/+15There's a reason why XKCD is one of the better webcomics.
    • halfdirt, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4I think you're making up your first opportunity to enjoy it. Unless you never knew what fortune cookies were until today.
    • MonkCanatella, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5A good one would be "in the butt."
    • evilgeniuscow, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5"On the toilet" works good too. I learned that one as a kid.
    • sdrumsalot, on 05/20/2008, -0/+0try the classic from P&A: "in my pants"
  • cbizzle, on 05/19/2008, -15/+2instead of "your mom", i've found that your mom jokes are often improved by appending "your dad"
  • MrMax99, on 05/19/2008, -5/+94You will succeed in all your endeavors.
    • Mootabolife, on 05/19/2008, -1/+26...in my pants.
      • lamiaconfitor, on 05/19/2008, -1/+5You think I picked the name "Black Vulcan?" That was Aquamans' Idea... how would you like it if I called you "White Fish??"

        I love/miss Harvey Birdman...
      • Piyh, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5Behind every hard working man is another hard working man.... In bed
    • strategynode, on 05/19/2008, -9/+0I was going to add "except in bed."
      • djk21108, on 05/19/2008, -0/+3Where would you get a silly idea like that?

    • samw1ns, on 05/19/2008, -3/+2all your base are belong to us
      • omnipotent, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4You are on the way to destruction.
      • samw1ns, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1you have no chance to survive make your time.
    • muffinmonk, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1*except in bed.
  • Aharoni, on 05/19/2008, -18/+6... I don't get it.
    • gforce051, on 05/19/2008, -1/+1*sigh*
    • chrgrose, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4I don't get it either but I still dugg you down because no one knows that I don't get it eith...oh damnit.
    • ssn697, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2Best comment of the thread, and you get dugg down.
    • NathaMan10101, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1The joke is to add "expect in bed" at the end of the fortunes(SP?).or were u joking
  • cesclaveria, on 05/19/2008, -3/+37Doing this with UNIX fortune command can generate some funny fortunes.

    echo "`fortune` Except in bed."
    • picpak, on 05/19/2008, -1/+7Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
      A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. Except in bed.
    • Rocketman1882, on 05/19/2008, -1/+10"You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. Except in bed."
    • ligyron, on 05/19/2008, -3/+17After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! Except in bed.

      All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. Except in bed.

      Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. Except in bed.

      Avoid reality at all costs. Except in bed.

      Be cautious in your daily affairs. Except in bed.

      Beware the one behind you. Except in bed.

      Communicate! It can't make things any worse. Except in bed.

      Don't get to bragging. Except in bed.

      Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Except in bed.

      Keep it short for pithy sake. Except in bed.

      You enjoy the company of other people. Except in bed.

      Your lover will never wish to leave you. Except in bed.

      Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. Except in bed.
      • fudged71, on 05/19/2008, -0/+12Those last three are awesome :)
      • generalsticky, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2You'll never be the man your mother was! Except in bed.

        You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. Except in bed.

        You have no real enemies. Except in bed.

        You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships. Except in bed.
    • fudged71, on 05/19/2008, -3/+7can you please post some?
      At work without linux
      • superm401, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5do echo "`fortune` Except in bed."; echo "\n"; done;

        Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
        A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
        of license fee (binary only). Except in bed.


        Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
        A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Except in bed.


        You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. Except in bed.


        Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
        A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

        Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
        A: To get to the other slide. Except in bed.


        You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. Except in bed.
    • neorser, on 05/19/2008, -0/+3Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. Except in bed.
    • a0peter, on 05/19/2008, -1/+3Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
      misinterpreted by somebody. Except in bed.

      Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. Except in bed.

      Blow it out your ear. Except in bed.

      You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Except in bed.

      You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. Except in bed.

      You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. Except in bed.

    • megamod, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2"Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: One. Except in bed."

      and

      "Are you sure the back door is locked? Except in bed."

      for some reason that makes perfect sense to me
    • encrypteduser, on 05/19/2008, -2/+1Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: One. Except in bed.
    • megamod, on 05/19/2008, -0/+4"You will triumph over your enemy. Except in bed."

      wtf?
    • keviniskool, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1Even when you do it wrong, it's still pretty funny.

      -bash: fortune: command not found
      Except in bed.
  • Thugacation, on 05/19/2008, -5/+195You are what you eat (except in bed).
    • thespi007, on 05/19/2008, -1/+18in that case you are easy , fast and cheap ...
    • saxreturns, on 05/19/2008, -0/+38You mean I'm not a fat drunk chick? Thank the lord.
    • PEMDAS, on 05/19/2008, -2/+3There are loads of people that would qualify as dicks, assholes, and pussies, so it still applies in bed.
    • 51684, on 05/20/2008, -1/+2Best comment I've ever seen on digg!
  • Greatn3ss, on 05/19/2008, -10/+1all of your comments suck except in bed
  • mentallyinhell, on 05/19/2008, -4/+11I don't know if that would work for this one: "Be mindful of future surprises."
  • built2spill, on 05/19/2008, -1/+41Reminded me of one of my favorite Upright Citizen's Brigade sketches - http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/52261/detail/
  • thespi007, on 05/19/2008, -10/+3Open , read the smelly piece of paper and throw the cookie ...at least thats what I do
  • braudio, on 05/19/2008, -8/+211I once had a fortune cookie with no fortune inside. We all laughed, and I asked for another. It too had no fortune inside. I didn't ask for a third...
    • chanop, on 05/19/2008, -7/+164GRIPPING story, I'm on the edge of my seat....please tell again
      • hinmanj, on 05/19/2008, -4/+95A++++ response! would read again!
      • proghead, on 05/19/2008, -2/+141if we were in prison i would protect you from being raped. A++++++++++++++
      • kutateli, on 05/19/2008, -1/+22If you were a bee, I wouldn't wear my safety suit! A+++++++++++
      • SakisRakis, on 05/19/2008, -2/+21Meh, only A++ from me.
      • edein, on 05/20/2008, -1/+2i once had a fortune cookie with TWO fortune inside.
    • elliott9, on 05/19/2008, -10/+2I have had this happen, I though that meant i had not fortune therefore no existence so I "accidentally" walked into someone to see if they noticed me. Luckily they did so I got to continue on existing.
      • ExSlashdotter, on 05/19/2008, -3/+2Wow, did you really? Thats great!

        Why did you assume all of us want to read that nonsense you just *had* to comment?
    • Zipko, on 05/19/2008, -7/+2So your life is nothing? That must suck.
    • matthewf01, on 05/19/2008, -1/+54"TONER LOW - REPLACE CARTRIDGE."
    • wontstoptalking, on 05/19/2008, -1/+6You, sir, bring me a fortune cookie! But with not fortunes inside! For every fortune I find....I shall kill you!
    • gwenny, on 05/19/2008, -7/+3Wow, I often get two or more fortunes in my cookies! I have yours!!! OMG ::giggle::
    • Inquisition, on 05/19/2008, -0/+10I got one once that was handwritten. It said "I peed in your rice."
      -Some Comedian
    • mcool119, on 05/19/2008, -0/+12That's very unfortunate...

      SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!
      • NathaMan10101, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1I would say yes but its funnier if i say.No
  • wild, on 05/19/2008, -19/+1Actually, my friends I found something far more entertaining. Just add "...for the love of penis."
  • Maurina, on 05/19/2008, -56/+43http://www.xkcd.com

    Xkcd updates Mon, Wed, and Fri. On these days, type xkcd.com into your address bar to view this comic. I enjoy xkcd as much as the next guy, but it does not need to make the frontpage of Digg.
    • chrgrose, on 05/19/2008, -3/+28My browser never leaves digg.com

      ....unless a digg article tells me to.
    • Modestexcuse, on 05/19/2008, -2/+8Whether or not this makes it to the front page, I am content with it being here, and me finding it. This saves me from visiting several different sites. It was quite obviously an xkcd comic, that is why I clicked it to view it.

      If you'd rather go to xkcd on Mon, Wed, and Fri, help yourself.
    • elliott9, on 05/19/2008, -2/+6I agree with you but I learned about xkcd from digg so im im torn between my feelings.
    • op12, on 05/19/2008, -2/+6Or better yet, use the RSS feed!
    • speedyrev, on 05/19/2008, -3/+9Xkcd updates Mon. Wed. and Fri. On these days, when you see a digg article about Xkcd, just ignore it if you don't like it.
    • GeekyGerge, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6Digg allows you to show your like or dislike about a web page. If somebody likes a certain web page, they can submit it to Digg and others are inclined to Digg or Bury depending or their taste.
    • superm401, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6If you don't like it, bury the story. Clearly, much of the rest of the digg community does like xkcd enough to have it make the front page every time (or close to it).
    • ElJif, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6Someone posts this same comment every week...not sure if it's you. It's still making the front page so clearly those attempts are failing. Bury the article and move on.
    • gravityboard, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6Bashing xkcd for being on the front page of digg isn't cool anymore. I usually forget plus this way I get to see what you all have to say about the comic (assuming I can get through all the people complaining about how it made the front page. again.)
    • JoeOfParma, on 05/19/2008, -1/+2It's almost as though all the people who don't want to see xkcd comics should have the ability to un-Digg them instead of working against the flood of people who enjoy them. Wouldn't that be cool if you could... inter, or otherwise entomb a story, somehow.
    • clickwir, on 05/19/2008, -9/+3STOP posting xkcd comics!
    • roedwards86, on 05/19/2008, -3/+1I bet there are more people that enjoy the New York Times crossword than xkcd comics. Does this mean I should submit it to Digg everyday so people don't have to go looking for it?
    • dudeguy1234, on 05/19/2008, -2/+2@roedwards 1.) not on Digg there aren't and 2.) yes you should.
  • diadem2, on 05/19/2008, -28/+102Must we digg every XKCD comic? Why not show some other mainstream webcomics some love for once?
  • aithk608, on 05/19/2008, -6/+17An actual fortune cookie that I now carry around in my wallet for a good laugh:

    "An admirer is concealing his affection for you."
    • unibomber223, on 05/19/2008, -5/+0"An admirer is concealing his affection for you." except in bed

      did you not learn anything?
    • Bmarofsky, on 05/19/2008, -2/+13except in bed
  • iMiXiMi, on 05/19/2008, -12/+7Except in bed?
  • masfenix, on 05/19/2008, -5/+36Dugg .... In bed.
  • CryTekEmployee, on 05/19/2008, -21/+0If you won't digg XKCDF, Let's digg some porn. Cartoons are gay and so is Pokemon. Anyone checked out the latest Lily Paige video? Wow, she can really take it up the small instestines!
  • StueyPidass, on 05/19/2008, -12/+0can soem one explain the joke?
    • IllBeBack, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5No.
    • elliott9, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6no, if you don't get it on your own then you don't deserve to enjoy the laughter it would bring
  • Gioleb, on 05/19/2008, -29/+5"You shall be buried."
  • freedomwv, on 05/19/2008, -10/+1xkcd is usually pretty funny. This one is rather true though.
  • johnbrickley, on 05/19/2008, -9/+1One time I got a fortune cookie that said, "Everyone agrees, you are the best."
  • postalblowfish7, on 05/19/2008, -9/+97LEAVE XKCD ALONE!
    • whiteeagle131, on 05/19/2008, -1/+28Except in bed.
    • clickwir, on 05/19/2008, -7/+1Yes, leave it. Leave it on xkcd's site and don't bring a link here every time they breathe.
    • kutateli, on 05/19/2008, -4/+4THE ***** THING SUCKS
    • MuffinFlavored, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1It's a human!
    • NathaMan10101, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1Fail for being a variation of leave Britney alone.
  • drummy41, on 05/19/2008, -20/+8***** THING SUCKS!
  • Sheeplike, on 05/19/2008, -6/+6I've always append it with "Under the sheets".
  • gwaggy12, on 05/19/2008, -2/+17"Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel...except in bed."
    • xaxxon, on 05/20/2008, -1/+1Not right now. These days ignorance really is bliss. Watch fox news, be happy.
  • four444, on 05/19/2008, -8/+3Good one.
  • ssn697, on 05/19/2008, -13/+3XKCD comic is an emo failure...

    • somedirtbag, on 05/19/2008, -0/+6Except in bed.
    • ssn697, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1Digg users are an even bigger failure at getting the joke.
  • Marmot, on 05/19/2008, -1/+38I heard of somebody who once got the following fortune....

    "Children are great, but nothing is better than your own children."


    I think that pretty much killed the game right there.
  • tcquad, on 05/19/2008, -1/+6Beware fortune cookies...

    http://nfccomic.com/index.php?comic=142
    • omnipotent, on 05/19/2008, -0/+3"You will have difficulty accepting your homosexuality." Except in bed.

      Oh lord...
  • blueskies, on 05/19/2008, -7/+6Yes! Thank you, now I don't have to check xkcd myself today. *checks off from todo list*
  • inferno10, on 05/19/2008, -1/+9The person on the left got rickrolled by the fortune cookie.
  • Naskin, on 05/19/2008, -1/+19Hmmm... the fortune cookie I got yesterday: "Love is in your future"

    After reading this comic, I suddenly feel like I'm a true digger now
  • notoneofus, on 05/19/2008, -1/+21I haven't gotten a fortune cookie with a real fortune in some time. They used to say things like, "All your hard work will pay off." Now they say things like, "Seek non-violence in everything you do," as in the comic. Why did fortunes become advice instead?
    • lamiaconfitor, on 05/19/2008, -2/+2since they realized that there is no way that cookies have special powers?
      • jon30041, on 05/19/2008, -0/+5LIES!
      • notoneofus, on 05/20/2008, -0/+1Then they should call them advisory cookies. I guess it doesn't have the same ring, though.
  • gl77, on 05/19/2008, -1/+21strangest fortune that i ever got in a fortune cookie-
    "A carrot a day, may keep cancer away."
    • BrownBears, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2i've gotten that one too. why, is there a comma?
      • gl77, on 05/21/2008, -0/+1I have no idea, but that is what it said, verbatim, on my fortune. Comma and all.
    • salvadorwii, on 05/19/2008, -0/+3except in bed...
  • GumdoMike, on 05/19/2008, -4/+5Wow, it took over 14 hours for this to be Front Paged...what's up?
  • tyler2k, on 05/19/2008, -1/+9I once had a fortune that said something to the effect of
    "Don't walk down dark alleys alone"

    In hindsight it maybe meant to always have a friend with you in your endeavours, but I took it literally (since it was pretty cut and dry), I kept it with me in my wallet until I eventually lost the wallet.
  • Snoosy, on 05/19/2008, -15/+9Cyanide & Happiness >>>> xkcd
  • Vector713, on 05/19/2008, -2/+11Just looking at the title, I knew this was XKCD, before I clicked the link.
    • radiopayola, on 05/19/2008, -3/+5maybe the thumbnail tipped you off?
      • Vector713, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2I read the title from an RSS feed, there was no thumbnail.
  • Shippwreck87, on 05/19/2008, -3/+10Its kind of funny how well it works.

    There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends. Except in bed...
    You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability. Except in bed...
    A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Except in bed...
    Plan for many pleasures ahead. Except in bed...
    Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. Except in bed...
    Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go! Except in bed...
    A pleasant surprise is in store for you. Except in bed...
    Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities. Except in bed...
    Your life will be happy and peaceful. Except in bed...
  • jiminizer, on 05/19/2008, -2/+7i have Digg on my iGoogle, same as XKCD as many other things with rss feeds - i'm sure most of the rest of digg who care about XKCD do too...
    • gwenny, on 05/19/2008, -0/+2I have xkcd, but not digg. My tracker is usually over one thousand things to read without that as I track major news sources on every continent. LOL Deutsch Welles itself is good for up to 200 headlines a day. ::sigh::
  • imLissy, on 05/19/2008, -1/+13I got this one a few years ago: "You will sleep well"
  • retromodernist, on 05/19/2008, -7/+6lame.
  • roflbrothel, on 05/19/2008, -22/+42HAHAHA! IN BED! LOLOLOLOLOL!!1
    1995 called, they want their fortune cookie joke back.
    • jessenoob, on 05/19/2008, -0/+311996 called. They want their calling back joke back.
    • identitymatrix, on 05/19/2008, -0/+171995 has Digg on speed dial
    • TheCheeks, on 05/19/2008, -1/+8Holy crap, a call from the past? Did you ask how they called the future??
    • PlasmaWhore, on 05/19/2008, -0/+12I think you forgot to read the comic. "In Bed" was not the punchline.
  • Ransomowris, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1"Beware the one behind you. Except in bed."

    Love it.
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