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447 Comments
- inactive, on 11/15/2008, -24/+825Fox News brands this "God" fellow as a godless, liberal traitor.
- doiveo, on 11/14/2008, -7/+579Parody sometimes affords you the opportunity to be bluntly honest.
- inactive, on 11/14/2008, -9/+381A serious article from the Onion?!?
- inactive, on 11/16/2008, -53/+327I know you psychotic nutball Christians have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8 . Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19 expressly forbids this: 27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair? (Lev. 20:14)
Thank you psychotics again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. - FulcrumVitesse, on 11/16/2008, -17/+256Hey, this is from just after 9/11 2001. That's old, even for Digg.
- theadvinci, on 11/15/2008, -4/+159"Don't kill" is pretty clear to me. But I guess politicians have always had problems with logic.
- matharchod, on 11/14/2008, -7/+158Love the Onion. It's almost as good a real news...maybe even better!
- BiIlyMays, on 11/16/2008, -10/+143***** you, two of my friends died killing each other.
- GodAImighty, on 11/16/2008, -8/+114Seriously WTF guys, stop murdering each other, I need your souls so I can power my cloud making machine. Satan is only going to waste your soul on crappy pyrotechnics
- Ontrackmac, on 11/16/2008, -13/+104Only kill it if your gonna eat it.
- breetah, on 11/16/2008, -0/+87The problem is that fundamentalists believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God. If it's infallible then all of those questions are legitimate.
- Canadaa, on 11/16/2008, -2/+88I think a rational Christian would probably justify those verses by saying that they were written to a certain people in a certain time period and were never meant to be applied universally. For example, all of the stipulations regarding pork had practical implications because pork does not keep well and in their environment cross-contamination would have been hard if not impossible to control.
However, I definitely see your point in that how can someone pick and choose what they want to follow in the Bible? It's hard to pick out what was meant to apply universally, but I think some Bible history lessons would do a lot of Christians some good. - LeCrepescule, on 11/16/2008, -0/+81So how do we tell what God's word is? Got any guidelines that he e-mailed to you?
- Shogi, on 11/15/2008, -8/+81Really? I thought those rules were more like guidelines...
- omgTHEPATRIOTS, on 11/16/2008, -18/+87Are you kidding me? This is from September 26, 2001.
Still hilarious though - ksgant, on 11/16/2008, -0/+64That's not true, there are several passages in the Bible that claim that it's the word of God himself. And God says in the Bible that the Bible is the truth and how do we know that God said this? Because the Bible says he said it.
What more proof do you need? - Spure, on 11/15/2008, -14/+75you need to calm down
- agentlame, on 11/16/2008, -0/+60And to think, it's still relevant enough to be funny... and will be in 70 or 700 years.
- archer104, on 11/16/2008, -5/+59Old Testament = Old laws = replaced by the New Testament
First rule of Christianity: You do not talk abou...
I mean...
'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' 38 This is the great and foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
-Jesus the Christ - rawnnie, on 11/16/2008, -2/+56What stands out most to me is the fact that this article was written just says after 9/11. I'm not complaining the article is old or anything (in fact I think there's nothing wrong with posting old articles), but I would have thought this article would have been written several months or years after the incident. It is sort of surreal, actually, the fact that it was written just 2 weeks after the event.
Great piece of journalism, real or fake. That's right, we've reached an era where an extreme satire has massively more substance than "real" news. - notfromoklahoma, on 11/16/2008, -0/+54The Bible says it's God's word...
- Jordan117, on 11/16/2008, -2/+51This story, as others have said, is from the first post-9/11 edition of The Onion. It was one of the first times the attacks were viewed through the lens of satire and sarcasm, and was so bold that it almost won a Pulitzer Prize.
You can read the entire issue here:
http://www.theonion.com/content/index/3734
It really is amazing stuff. - sunburner, on 11/16/2008, -5/+53I wish that if there was a God, he would really do this.
- Azariel, on 11/16/2008, -1/+49If I could digg you twice, my friend, I would
kudos! - inactive, on 11/16/2008, -3/+50god isn't asking you, he's telling you
- DavidTurnbull, on 11/16/2008, -5/+51*you're
- JohnatMI, on 11/16/2008, -1/+46I like how God refers to himself in the first person as a capitalized "Me."
- xbloodysundayx, on 11/16/2008, -2/+46Deuteronomy is from the Old Testament. This was prior to the birth and death of Jesus Christ. Because Jesus Christ was crucified, they no longer had to practice certain traditions or rules in order to preserve cleanliness or pureness. Also, I feel I should mention that in the original Hebrew text "thou shall not kill" is actually "thou shall not murder [unjust killing]". You are correct that God condemns others to die or uses the death of people as a tool for His own plans, but in every case where people die has been those of a just killing (At least in that eyes of Christians and God). Those that were wrongly killed, such as Abel, were avenged as God punished Kain for his wrong doing.
Also, calling your audience 'psychotic freaks' isn't exactly the best way to persuade people. - snafflepaffle, on 11/16/2008, -0/+38Consider when it was written... Not much real comedy going around those days.
- hi2u2, on 11/16/2008, -5/+43First of all, you don't HAVE to double post almost the identical thing to get people to listen to you.
Second, if you're going to try to make an argument against Christians, or even the Bible at that, know what you're talking about. If you use this argument against Evangelical Christians, they'll just say that you're quoting passages from the Old Testament and has nothing to do with how they should act towards others now. If they were following these passages they may as well be wearing full head coverings and sacrificing animals too. If you're gonna bash it, at least do it right. - zeebo, on 11/16/2008, -1/+39Woo Cannibalism FTW!
- chrisduser, on 11/16/2008, -0/+37I have never seen it.
- contradictator, on 11/16/2008, -2/+39It's the kind of thing we should all be reminded of, everyday, until we all actually get it right.
The fact that's it's still so relevant shows that we still plenty of work ahead of us.
But hey, with Bush on the way out, maybe things will finally... change. - DavidTurnbull, on 11/16/2008, -1/+37"everybody massacres the Buddhists."
That made me laugh, but now I'm scared for my life. - Garofoli, on 11/16/2008, -2/+38Best article I've read by them yet! It's extremely true.
- inactive, on 11/16/2008, -44/+79I hear nutball Christians always saying how evil Muslims are because their faith condones death to non-believers.
Read your own poisonous scriptures sometime, you psychotic freaks!
"And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God..." (Deuteronomy 13: 5)
"If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;" (Deuteronomy 13: 6)
"Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people." (Deuteronomy 13:8-9)
"Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword." (Deuteronomy 13:15) - JohnFlux, on 11/16/2008, -2/+35There's only 2 lines in the whole bible about homosexuality (and even those are ambiguous), yet Christians have no problem using those 2 lines to justify persecuting gays.
- JoshuaGross, on 11/16/2008, -8/+38Lern 2 Bible
- thedsack, on 11/16/2008, -5/+33I just wish Bush read this... Oh wait, Bush said God told him he should invade Iraq...
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=Bush ... - drewawesome, on 11/16/2008, -6/+34We are only slightly psychotic, and not nutball at all. I take great offense.
- ajaxmil, on 11/16/2008, -0/+27oh sure. Blame the jews.
- MechaFalcon, on 11/16/2008, -0/+26Dugg down for improper capitalization of the first words of your sentences. Sorry, it's my biggest grammar pet-peeve.
- inactive, on 11/16/2008, -0/+25Yes, but the Bible is supposedly divinely inspired and is said to be entirely factual. If you pick one part as false, can you not call the entire thing false?
- thegrantman, on 11/17/2008, -0/+25He has a God complex.
- inactive, on 11/16/2008, -2/+26They should've ended the article with a paragraph about that. Excellent idea.
- ajaxmil, on 11/16/2008, -1/+24God should not have to do the job of common sense.
- ironhide, on 11/16/2008, -0/+21How many of you quote from the Old Testament when condemning homosexuals?
- ceredron, on 11/16/2008, -0/+21that's... actually kinda depressing.
- lyndzilla, on 11/16/2008, -0/+20that's the best part of parody, imho. i'm an atheist and even i thought this was a great article.
- Hetman, on 11/16/2008, -12/+31I do have some serious issues. The first one being that the bible is full of death, yet it tells you not to kill. Anyone who would worship that is insane. But then again I feel the same way with every other religion. All it does is set back or society. I really did not want to have kids. But now I feel I have to have them just to combat the religious who breed like rabbits. I thought that logic would eventually conquer religion but that does not seem to be the case.
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