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As A Working Mom, It's Hard To Find Time To Masturbate

theonion.com — As a single mother of three with a full-time career, I've got a lot on my plate. Between making the children's breakfast in the morning and making sure they brush their teeth at night, I hardly have any time to take care of myself. Sometimes, I just get so darn busy that I'll realize it's 6 p.m. and I haven't even eaten yet! Can you imagine? Not th

Who dugg this? Made popular Mar 24, 2008

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435 Comments

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  • LongJohnSilvers, on 03/24/2008, -3/+745Sounds like you could use a hand
  • Rowan187, on 03/24/2008, -7/+475Its funny to see how many people actually still see The Onion articles and believe them.
  • inactive, on 03/24/2008, -6/+440I don't have time to read this article let alone take care of myself.
  • iMike360, on 03/24/2008, -37/+348You know when the kids grow up they'll find this on the Internet and then they will have issues.
  • inactive, on 03/24/2008, -7/+248I usually masturbate while I make the children's breakfast...!
  • aliengoods, on 03/24/2008, -1/+222I took care of myself while reading the article.
  • lnxfi, on 03/24/2008, -9/+186XKCD comic and article from The Onion on the front page. Must be monday.
  • annflower, on 03/24/2008, -0/+174Work can wait. Masturbate!
  • MindStalker, on 03/24/2008, -1/+161Don't worry, its the onion. No actual humanity was spared making this article... :)
  • getoffmybridge, on 05/05/2009, -11/+161I fapped
  • doctechnical, on 03/24/2008, -2/+140Yeah, Ceiling cat told me.
  • bigpeeler, on 03/24/2008, -1/+128She never did pay me for my carpentry work.
  • hokie47, on 03/24/2008, -1/+99I masturbate while compiling.
  • SoundJudgment, on 03/24/2008, -0/+79Eggs Benedict'??
  • allenk77, on 03/24/2008, -7/+85Funny, i guess with everything you really can forget what is most important.
  • ripple123, on 03/24/2008, -4/+70That was a fantastic article. I need a cigarette.
  • bxblox, on 03/24/2008, -4/+65………………………………………………………………………………………………
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    ………………..,-‘’ ; ; ;_,,---,,_ ; ;’’-,…………………………….._,,,---,,_………………
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    ……………….’, ; ; ‘-, ,-~’’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’’-, , , , , ,’ ; |…………
    …………………’, ; ;,’’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’-, , ,-‘ ;,-‘…………
    ………………….,’-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’’-‘ ;,,-‘…………..
    ………………..,’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;__ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘-,’……………..
    ………………,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;,-‘’¯: : ’’-, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; _ ; ; ; ; ;’,……………..
    ……………..,’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;| : : : : : :| ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ,-‘’¯: ¯’’-, ; ; ;’,…………….
    …………….,’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘-,_: : _,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; | : : : : : :| ; ; ; |……………
    ……………,’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ¯¯ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’-,,_ : :,-‘ ; ; ; ;|……………
    …………..,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ,,-~’’ , , , , ,,,-~~-, , , , _ ; ; ;¯¯ ; ; ; ; ;|……A hand with the....kids?
    …………,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;,’ , , , , , , ,( : : : : :) , , , ,’’-, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;|……………
    ……….,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’, , , , , , , , ,’~---~’’ , , , , , ,’ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’,…………..
    …….,-‘’ ; _, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘’~-,,,,--~~’’’¯’’’~-,,_ , ,_,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘,………….
    ….,-‘’-~’’,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; | ; ; | . . . . . . ,’; ,’’¯ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ,_ ; ‘-,………..
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    ……..,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;¯¯’’¯ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; , ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;’’-,……….

    /im going to hell arent i....
  • inactive, on 03/24/2008, -3/+61McCain
  • zengonzo, on 03/24/2008, -1/+58And now you've just wasted your time and everyone else's with that comment. Time you could've spent masturbating.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm quite busy ..
  • inactive, on 03/24/2008, -1/+57shooting blanks are we?
  • Sail3, on 08/04/2009, -1/+55Then don't read it.
  • t0x2c, on 03/24/2008, -1/+55came
  • Kais3r, on 03/24/2008, -2/+52same
  • thcobbs, on 03/24/2008, -5/+52ok, skip the dating and just bang the babysitter.
  • stonebear, on 03/24/2008, -0/+47Now that's a mission statement!
  • Jade10145, on 03/24/2008, -3/+47I first was praying that this article was real, secondly I was hoping for a MILF
  • inactive, on 03/24/2008, -0/+44=/= != !=
  • bbqsalad, on 03/24/2008, -0/+37dad?
  • Sail3, on 08/04/2009, -0/+36Congrats! You've spotted a joke!
  • Dropperbr, on 03/24/2008, -16/+511 old woman 0 cup!
  • threemagic, on 03/24/2008, -1/+36right, because as adults you don't realize your mom and dad masturbated and had sex.. just like you.
  • thewrathoffluff, on 03/24/2008, -1/+34No they didn't. I was a virgin birth.
  • epimer, on 03/24/2008, -0/+33Gentoo user, eh?
  • ziptnf, on 03/24/2008, -2/+35The word "masturbate" sets you off?
  • MisterEX, on 03/24/2008, -7/+39Oh the Onion. You gotta smile.
  • meruru, on 03/24/2008, -2/+34If you want things done right you have to do them yourself
  • inactive, on 03/24/2008, -3/+35More Time Dating =/= More Time To Masturbate
  • SiliconRain, on 03/24/2008, -8/+38I'll sum up the article for you then:

    "As a single mum, I often find myself doing [insert a chore women have to do sometimes] and so I don't have time to [insert unnecessarily detailed but slightly humorous description of female masturbation]"

    Repeat five or six times, with little variation and don't bother about adding in a conclusion or mentioning why you bothered to write the article in the first place.
  • sets13, on 03/24/2008, -0/+27Hmmm... well considering that the whole idea about digg is to submit links to other websites and then go look at these links, I think, perhaps you should rethink why you are reading digg...
  • ileftfark, on 03/24/2008, -0/+23Wow. In any story from the Onion, you only get 3 types of comments:

    1. People that enjoyed it.
    2. People that bash it because its the Onion
    3. People who have no idea what the Onion is, and make hilarious comments.

    My favorite is variety no. 3. Don't get too intelligent, America. I needs my humor.
  • troye, on 03/24/2008, -0/+23... you mean your monitor?
  • cbittle, on 03/24/2008, -1/+23Nope- they found me in a cabbage patch. You shut your mouth! :-)
  • Hoogs, on 03/24/2008, -2/+24McCame
  • jun2san, on 03/24/2008, -1/+22figuratively AND literally
  • Harelin, on 03/24/2008, -1/+22Smoking sucks, but so did your comment.
  • anstice85, on 03/24/2008, -3/+23SATIRE
  • BossKey, on 03/24/2008, -0/+20Nope- I became operational at the HAL Plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 12, 1997.
  • wbeavis, on 03/24/2008, -1/+21Sausage gravy over biscuits.
  • Cloned, on 03/24/2008, -0/+19Can you blame them when The Onion tends to be more believable than real media?
  • brokencode, on 03/24/2008, -0/+19Well it didn't happen clearly.
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