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Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food

theonion.com — ERIE, PA —Local fast food consumer and occasional motorist Don Turnbee announced his decision Wednesday to bypass I-79's Greenville exit in hopes that the following turnoff would lead to more appealing fast food options.

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  • alapoet, on 11/29/2008, -1/+25You go, Don!
  • s0m31john, on 11/29/2008, -0/+17He should be looking for a Hardee's, especially for breakfast.
    • brentinkc, on 11/29/2008, -0/+3MMMM...Thickburger....
    • Skooma714, on 11/30/2008, -1/+2Or a Carl's Jr in some places. Six Dollar Burger == Epic goodness.

      Don't forget to get some EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES too.
    • jackelopeus, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Sourdough Frisco Burger! Mmmmmmm....
    • TVarmy, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2It's PA. He'll be driving a long time :(
    • kerouac906, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Jack in the Box for breakfast... as long as they are open they are serving breakfast. One more reason I don't ever wanna leave the west coast.
    • blacktriangle, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Hardee's doesn't serve Colon Blow because the entire menu has the same effect.
  • jecrawf, on 11/29/2008, -4/+13Hilariously stupid.That's a long way to go to fast food.
    • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Obviously you've never made any long distance road trips in the US/Canada, where you can drive for hundreds of miles with the only real stops being fast food areas.

      Once on these trips, certain regional chains can inspire return trips while places like the Burger King/McDonald's variety which are everywhere will seem passe.

      Sonic and Whataburger were two of my favorite places to eat on the way to Dallas from SoCal earlier this year. Neither have any locations anywhere close to my location.
  • MJG2007, on 11/29/2008, -2/+36If he had a Garmin Nuvi, he'd already know what's available at the subsequent exits.
    • minorthreat, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6are you a garmin spokesperson?
    • kerouac906, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1My nuvi has sent me to plenty of closed down places, one can assume Mr. Turnbee wouldn't stand for that very long.
  • samkityoung, on 11/29/2008, -2/+41What do you think he's waiting for? I'm thinking Arby's.
    • brentinkc, on 11/29/2008, -3/+13Whoa, careful. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
    • xsquirrel378x, on 11/29/2008, -0/+10oooh wow Arby's whoa you must be REALLY hungry
    • Calculon, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep this down!
    • Easyoffbam, on 11/30/2008, -0/+7Fear is obviously not a factor for you!
      • brentinkc, on 11/30/2008, -1/+1+3 internets for you. Well done sir.
    • AllHereTruth, on 11/30/2008, -1/+6Did you read the article...
      • brentinkc, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2What? Read articles? You must be part of the intellectual elite
  • doiveo, on 11/29/2008, -0/+11way to go ginger balls. power to the fat man.
  • cg4et, on 11/29/2008, -0/+22There's got to be a White Castle somewhere!
    • TalkGibberish, on 11/30/2008, -1/+3Yeah, everywhere but in Grand Rapids!
    • disher91, on 11/30/2008, -1/+5Nope.. I'm from Erie. The closest White Castle is over 250 miles.
    • Sagags, on 11/30/2008, -1/+7or better yet, a In-N-Out
    • CoolHandLuke, on 11/30/2008, -1/+3In-N-Out is only on the West Coast. There is probably a Five Guys Burgers and Fries close by though.
    • swingaxle, on 11/30/2008, -2/+0Nearest Five guys is on Oakland Ave. deep within the Univ. of Pitt campus. If you can find a parking spot you have to fight college kids. It's just not too pleasant. There is a really good Mexican place on Forbes though...
  • mpobri, on 11/29/2008, -0/+29I often don't finish Onion articles since the joke is usually obvious early on (and can get redundant), but the last line in this article is priceless.
  • bennyshoham, on 11/29/2008, -2/+4Wednesday to bypass I-79's Greenville exit in hopes that the following
    • burgerkkid, on 11/30/2008, -1/+0I went to college in Greenville my freshman year. He made a good decision to not get off at that exit.
  • extravagant, on 11/29/2008, -3/+5lol, I'm thinking Arby's, too.
  • insaincain02, on 11/29/2008, -2/+5I've definitely did that before
  • Shazbuckle, on 11/29/2008, -0/+31I'm fascinated by the way they dragged it out so much for so long.

    Adds to the genious of the Onion :)
    • laserterd, on 11/30/2008, -6/+1wooah thats what she said.
    • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -1/+2What the hell is a genious?


      Did you mean "genius"?
    • mariecordona, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Genious is what it is called when you are generous with your genius. You know, like going to soup kitchens and beating all of the homeless people at chess? It makes them feel better about themselves. That's what it means to be genious.
    • midgetfit, on 12/01/2008, -0/+0I'm perplexed as to how anyone could find the Onion remotely amusing let alone genius, or genious for that matter.
  • l337dexter, on 11/29/2008, -2/+9Fricken love the geniuses at the onion.

    And yes, I have definetly done that before too.
  • leonardutah, on 11/29/2008, -1/+5In Don we trust.
  • woodrow8292, on 11/30/2008, -5/+2Buried. I live in this area and there is no Roy Rodgers in Saegertown. Trust me. I have been there before, unfortunately. He should have stopped at Shetz.
    • spepin, on 11/30/2008, -0/+11Uhh...

      The Onion is the most reliable news you'll come across, I'm sure you're wrong. Maybe you should go look again.


      /s.
      • woodrow8292, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Ummmmm It was a joke for all of those from western PA.
    • klitzbtc, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6Sheetz*

      Christ, western PA worships the place and you can't even spell it right.


      Maybe you need a refresher course on Giant Eagle, Heinz Ketchup, and Steelers football before it kicks in.
      • TheHayze, on 11/30/2008, -1/+2I dunno, bro. You have to go pretty far out of Pittsburgh to find a Sheetz. But here in Central PA, I swear, we have like 3 of em in our little town. Then it doesn't matter which road you take, another isn't no more than 10 miles away.
      • klitzbtc, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Same here, 3 Sheetz in a 5 mile radius. If they'd learn how to put mustard on a hot dog that probably wouldn't be such a problem.
      • Takran, on 11/30/2008, -0/+4LOL Giant Eagle. It's been soooo long... used to live near north-western PA (actually lived in Ohio, but it was barely over the line).

        Sheetz is fantastic. Where I live now in southern PA the closest one is 20 minutes north of me, and the ***** in Maryland don't have any Sheetz. How am I supposed to fulfill my Shmuffin craving in the morning on my way to work? I can't, and it's wrong.
      • TheSkunkMonkey, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1@Takran

        Maryland sure does have Sheetz, in Frederick county. They're more common than 7-11 in that county.

        Unfortunately, I moved to the Virgin Islands and I miss my shmuffins :(
      • woodrow8292, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1If you miss the shmuffin then you must really miss the shmonster for breakfast or the new shmacker!
    • Pssdoff, on 12/01/2008, -0/+1Psh, there is a Wendy's AND a Sheetz at the Edinboro exit just south of Erie - he should have held out a bit longer...
  • spepin, on 11/30/2008, -0/+7This reminds me of the time we drove from here (Ottawa) to Syracuse for Arby's at the Carousel Center, just... because we wanted Arby's.
    • jimpac4, on 11/30/2008, -1/+1the Carousel Center Arby's is alright...not Ottawa to Syracuse good, but good enough for us to go there during work so we could waste more time during lunch.
    • Sagags, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3wait, you wanted Arby's?
  • DiggieHowser, on 11/30/2008, -0/+15Sadly, I can totally relate to this. Not only have I adjusted my rout in search of better fast food, but I've driven 20+ minutes across town -- passing two Taco Bells along the way -- just to get to the "good" Taco Bell.
    • klitzbtc, on 11/30/2008, -1/+12Face it, there's no such thing as "good" Taco Bell. I love the place, and I just deal with whatever crap they hand to me for my money.
      • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3Dude, if there are three T Bells, there is definitely one that is the best of the three.

        We have two about a mile apart and there is definitely one that is better. Unfortunately, the other one is the one open late with a drive-thru.
    • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5Even Don agrees there are better Taco Bells:

      http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39493
    • Klak, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1yeah the ones in malls are terrible and taco bell "express" is code for ***** food
  • hilaridad, on 11/30/2008, -1/+6These headlines always confuse me until I see it's from the Onion
  • ryan83189, on 11/30/2008, -0/+8Is that the man on the tv trying to sell me dibetus?
  • brokn1, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3***** IHOP, there's gotta be a Waffle House coming up soon!
    • slvrbullet87, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2If you drive down south you dont have to wait for the next exit... they have atleast 2 at every exit
    • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1I went to a waffle house once, it was pretty good.

      Around here though, it's "***** Denny's, the IHOP is one exit further."
  • Typhoon2009, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6"Starbucks isn't food."
    Too true. I love their specialty drinks (despite the luxury-car prices) but the only foodstuff I ever buy there is the glazed donut.

    I've seen some good fast food plazas in my short time on this planet. Any plaza with Chipotle, KFC, Subway, and Chik-fil-A is an instant win.
    • TVarmy, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5Chipotle and Chick-fil-A are awesome but sadly uncommon. To see both at one plaza would amaze me.
  • scoottie, on 11/30/2008, -15/+1Why does this lame ass Onion crap keep getting posted?
  • Thater, on 11/30/2008, -7/+1The road in that photograph is obviously not an interstate... The Onion is full of *****
  • jimpac4, on 11/30/2008, -0/+14The "fork-knife" comment at the Mercer exit is a fact. There is no restaurant there, but my parents own a gas station on that exit and had the fork/knife sign put up there for the mini-restaurant in the store.
  • fuzzynyanko, on 11/30/2008, -1/+3I've actually commuted on an Interstate for a while and knew where a few of the fast food joints were. I actually would prefer the McDonalds 1-2 exits down over some of the higher-quality food joints just because I actually got better service there.
  • pistonhonda, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5The last three Diggs I've viewed I thought were going to be Onion articles. I'm glad I got this one right.
    • MrMaster2, on 11/30/2008, -1/+1You might want to check out the website address, located right next to the article description.
  • inexion, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6i dont know whats more surprising, his final decision, or how long that person was able to make the article
  • SilverBack101, on 11/30/2008, -1/+3He's such a trooper...*sniff*
  • minnasouljah, on 11/30/2008, -6/+1That is one degenerate sack of *****!
  • vocalyouth, on 11/30/2008, -0/+22This is not the first time that Mr. Turnbee has had restaurant troubles.

    See:
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39090

    The fact that The Onion has revisited, this, one of my favorite stories / characters almost 10 years later is part of why I love them so much.
    • lordgibbon, on 11/30/2008, -0/+4Agreed. Turnbee is my hero.
    • HeyaBILL, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2In 1999 he was 37 but in 2008 he is 41? Someone call Stephen Hawking.
  • lindigger, on 11/30/2008, -8/+0I don't get it... is this supposed to funny, or a joke or what? Buried for "being lame."
  • tehspamninja, on 11/30/2008, -11/+1What the ***** is this *****?
  • jasdf, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6It sounds like a typical newspaper article that tries to fill up its pages with zero substance.
  • indipenguin, on 11/30/2008, -8/+1Buried! What the hell is wrong with everybody lately. It's the Onion, all of their headlines are good for a chuckle, this defeats the purpose of DIGG.
  • petoria, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5He missed the Cranberry Exit, he could have Wendys and then stopped at my house.
  • super_spyder, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5support your local restaurants, or the whole world will just be filled with chain fast food
  • love200, on 11/30/2008, -2/+0
  • chickenlarm, on 11/30/2008, -6/+0I want 3 minutes of my life back
    • FlaG8r, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2OK, we mailed them to you. You have to be there when they arrive though, so wait by the box until they get there.
  • 1310nm, on 11/30/2008, -3/+2I suspect the next Onion headline will be something like "Man discovers dust in garage". These headlines are becoming predictable and boring.
  • jackelopeus, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2Looks like he might be slipping into a diabetic coma there...
  • Easyoffbam, on 11/30/2008, -2/+1Hmm... what can I say to elaborate this mildly amusing title? I know, I'll make a list of all the possible fast food restaurants and franchises! That will fill in a bit of space!
  • Sp3x0ps, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3lmao every place in that story i have been to and at first i was like this has to be a joke... pretty funny
  • farmertomato, on 11/30/2008, -2/+0Why is it necessary to Digg so many articles from the Onion--we all read the Onion regularly, don't we? This things are so obvious that it misses the point of finding something interesting. Too easy by far. I'm burying all Onion Diggs from now on.
  • thavi, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3it would be so easy for the onion to ride the liberal road, im so glad the satire mocks everything. i wouldnt be able to tolerate it if all i ever saw were articles that resembled digg's top pages
  • seansadigger, on 11/30/2008, -0/+0At first I thought it was a real news article and I was like "what has this world come to?"

    then 5 minuets later i laughed
  • microview2007, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1Won't matter, next exit will just be another Waffle House or two.
    • vocalyouth, on 11/30/2008, -0/+1not in Pennsylvania. There are hardly any here.
  • AllHereTruth, on 11/30/2008, -0/+4This had me laughing me ass off:

    "Turnbee said there have been two Wendy's restaurants on his drive thus far. He didn't patronize the first, he said, because he hadn't gotten far enough along in his trip to justify making a pit stop. He mistakenly passed the second because he was "fiddling with the dang radio," and by the time he realized what had happened it was too late."
  • HalsMyPal, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5wtf is a Sheetz? it must be a northern thing. at least we have whataburger and chicken express one of the few things i like about texas.
    • slezzzter, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5Mid-Atlantic end-all of gas and convenience. Every location has a Subway-type fresh sandwich service, a variety of hot foods, and a barista. All this plus the regular gas station and convenience store offerings. They're really quite lovely.
    • kerouac906, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3I just found Sheetz on an east coast trip a few months back - convenience store on 'roids... The rest of that week I was punching in Sheetz in my GPS for my daily starter of a crispy chicken biscuit. Oh, and you order on touchscreens in the store... No McMentals to get confused by your order.
      • woodrow8292, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2Sheetz is the greatest convience store ever created by man! Gas station+deep fryer+MTO's = Greatness!
  • kerouac906, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3Dugg for the Rax reference in the middle of the 7th paragraph. Read the true Fast-Food Story here
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rax_Restaurants

    Oh 1985, why did you have to take my Rax away... Glad to see their website is still in 1985 mode though
    http://www.rax-raxroastbeef.com/
    From the site "If you want to open a Rax, you’ve got to talk to Rich"
    Somebody, please, talk to Rich!!
    • vocalyouth, on 11/30/2008, -0/+2I ate at one of the last like 14 Rax restaurants in the world about a month ago. It was better than Arby's.

      If I had a lot of money I would be talking to rich to bring back Rax.
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