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Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food

theonion.com — ERIE, PA—Local fast food consumer and occasional motorist Don Turnbee announced his decision Wednesday to bypass I-79's Greenville exit in hopes that the following turnoff would lead to more appealing fast food options.

Who dugg this? Made popular Nov 30, 2008

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126 Comments

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  • samkityoung, on 11/29/2008, -2/+41What do you think he's waiting for? I'm thinking Arby's.
  • MJG2007, on 11/29/2008, -2/+36If he had a Garmin Nuvi, he'd already know what's available at the subsequent exits.
  • Shazbuckle, on 11/29/2008, -0/+31I'm fascinated by the way they dragged it out so much for so long.

    Adds to the genious of the Onion :)
  • mpobri, on 11/29/2008, -0/+29I often don't finish Onion articles since the joke is usually obvious early on (and can get redundant), but the last line in this article is priceless.
  • alapoet, on 11/29/2008, -1/+25You go, Don!
  • vocalyouth, on 11/30/2008, -0/+22This is not the first time that Mr. Turnbee has had restaurant troubles.

    See:
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39090

    The fact that The Onion has revisited, this, one of my favorite stories / characters almost 10 years later is part of why I love them so much.
  • cg4et, on 11/29/2008, -0/+22There's got to be a White Castle somewhere!
  • s0m31john, on 11/29/2008, -0/+17He should be looking for a Hardee's, especially for breakfast.
  • inactive, on 11/30/2008, -0/+15Sadly, I can totally relate to this. Not only have I adjusted my rout in search of better fast food, but I've driven 20+ minutes across town -- passing two Taco Bells along the way -- just to get to the "good" Taco Bell.
  • jimpac4, on 11/30/2008, -0/+14The "fork-knife" comment at the Mercer exit is a fact. There is no restaurant there, but my parents own a gas station on that exit and had the fork/knife sign put up there for the mini-restaurant in the store.
  • klitzbtc, on 11/30/2008, -1/+12Face it, there's no such thing as "good" Taco Bell. I love the place, and I just deal with whatever crap they hand to me for my money.
  • spepin, on 11/30/2008, -0/+11Uhh...

    The Onion is the most reliable news you'll come across, I'm sure you're wrong. Maybe you should go look again.


    /s.
  • doiveo, on 11/29/2008, -0/+11way to go ginger balls. power to the fat man.
  • brentinkc, on 11/29/2008, -3/+13Whoa, careful. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
  • inactive, on 11/29/2008, -0/+10oooh wow Arby's whoa you must be REALLY hungry
  • jecrawf, on 11/29/2008, -4/+13Hilariously stupid.That's a long way to go to fast food.
  • ryan83189, on 11/30/2008, -0/+8Is that the man on the tv trying to sell me dibetus?
  • l337dexter, on 11/29/2008, -2/+9Fricken love the geniuses at the onion.

    And yes, I have definetly done that before too.
  • spepin, on 11/30/2008, -0/+7This reminds me of the time we drove from here (Ottawa) to Syracuse for Arby's at the Carousel Center, just... because we wanted Arby's.
  • Easyoffbam, on 11/30/2008, -0/+7Fear is obviously not a factor for you!
  • Sagags, on 11/30/2008, -1/+7or better yet, a In-N-Out
  • Typhoon2009, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6"Starbucks isn't food."
    Too true. I love their specialty drinks (despite the luxury-car prices) but the only foodstuff I ever buy there is the glazed donut.

    I've seen some good fast food plazas in my short time on this planet. Any plaza with Chipotle, KFC, Subway, and Chik-fil-A is an instant win.
  • klitzbtc, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6Sheetz*

    Christ, western PA worships the place and you can't even spell it right.


    Maybe you need a refresher course on Giant Eagle, Heinz Ketchup, and Steelers football before it kicks in.
  • minorthreat, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6are you a garmin spokesperson?
  • jasdf, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6It sounds like a typical newspaper article that tries to fill up its pages with zero substance.
  • inexion, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6i dont know whats more surprising, his final decision, or how long that person was able to make the article
  • boydbme, on 11/30/2008, -0/+6if she used that grammar, I'd dump her.
  • AllHereTruth, on 11/30/2008, -1/+6Did you read the article...
  • inactive, on 11/30/2008, -1/+6These headlines always confuse me until I see it's from the Onion
  • HalsMyPal, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5wtf is a Sheetz? it must be a northern thing. at least we have whataburger and chicken express one of the few things i like about texas.
  • slezzzter, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5Mid-Atlantic end-all of gas and convenience. Every location has a Subway-type fresh sandwich service, a variety of hot foods, and a barista. All this plus the regular gas station and convenience store offerings. They're really quite lovely.
  • super_spyder, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5support your local restaurants, or the whole world will just be filled with chain fast food
  • TVarmy, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5Chipotle and Chick-fil-A are awesome but sadly uncommon. To see both at one plaza would amaze me.
  • petoria, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5He missed the Cranberry Exit, he could have Wendys and then stopped at my house.
  • pistonhonda, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5The last three Diggs I've viewed I thought were going to be Onion articles. I'm glad I got this one right.
  • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -0/+5Even Don agrees there are better Taco Bells:

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39493
  • AllHereTruth, on 11/30/2008, -0/+4This had me laughing me ass off:

    "Turnbee said there have been two Wendy's restaurants on his drive thus far. He didn't patronize the first, he said, because he hadn't gotten far enough along in his trip to justify making a pit stop. He mistakenly passed the second because he was "fiddling with the dang radio," and by the time he realized what had happened it was too late."
  • Takran, on 11/30/2008, -0/+4LOL Giant Eagle. It's been soooo long... used to live near north-western PA (actually lived in Ohio, but it was barely over the line).

    Sheetz is fantastic. Where I live now in southern PA the closest one is 20 minutes north of me, and the ***** in Maryland don't have any Sheetz. How am I supposed to fulfill my Shmuffin craving in the morning on my way to work? I can't, and it's wrong.
  • inactive, on 11/30/2008, -0/+4Agreed. Turnbee is my hero.
  • leonardutah, on 11/29/2008, -1/+5In Don we trust.
  • disher91, on 11/30/2008, -1/+5Nope.. I'm from Erie. The closest White Castle is over 250 miles.
  • darlingt, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3Do you mean diabeetus?
  • DickyT83, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3My name's Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes.
  • Sp3x0ps, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3lmao every place in that story i have been to and at first i was like this has to be a joke... pretty funny
  • kerouac906, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3I just found Sheetz on an east coast trip a few months back - convenience store on 'roids... The rest of that week I was punching in Sheetz in my GPS for my daily starter of a crispy chicken biscuit. Oh, and you order on touchscreens in the store... No McMentals to get confused by your order.
  • fucknuggets, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3McDonalds is not food.
  • OtterStratton, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3Dude, if there are three T Bells, there is definitely one that is the best of the three.

    We have two about a mile apart and there is definitely one that is better. Unfortunately, the other one is the one open late with a drive-thru.
  • MJDub, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3He'll help you live a better life.
  • kerouac906, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3Dugg for the Rax reference in the middle of the 7th paragraph. Read the true Fast-Food Story here
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rax_Restaurants

    Oh 1985, why did you have to take my Rax away... Glad to see their website is still in 1985 mode though
    http://www.rax-raxroastbeef.com/
    From the site "If you want to open a Rax, you’ve got to talk to Rich"
    Somebody, please, talk to Rich!!
  • thavi, on 11/30/2008, -0/+3it would be so easy for the onion to ride the liberal road, im so glad the satire mocks everything. i wouldnt be able to tolerate it if all i ever saw were articles that resembled digg's top pages
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