What is Digg?626 Comments
- mrbubby, on 05/22/2008, -5/+628My favorite Onion Headline of all time - "Starbucks Opens Inside Bathroom of Another Starbucks"
- kh99, on 05/22/2008, -3/+326Most annoying person I ever saw at a Starbucks: the guy behind me who listened to what I ordered, ordered exactly the same thing, then pushed past me to grab the first one that was ready, saving himself about 20 seconds of waiting.
- yorkhock, on 05/22/2008, -26/+336I think I once saw a Starbucks inside of another Starbucks. Still sucked.
- inactive, on 05/22/2008, -17/+283#9 - The "Super Cool" guy who goes to Starbucks to try to make keen observations of people, only to write an article about them all later, in which he tries too hard to be funny.
- Oxygen, on 05/22/2008, -20/+260Burried as Inaccurate - Everyone you meet inside a Starbucks is annoying.
- krisscofield, on 05/22/2008, -5/+199I worked at two different Starbucks locations, and I can assure you they left out the single most obnoxious "types" that frequent Sbucks (from a barista's point of view): Teenage girls who don't drink coffee, come in packs of at least 4, order several frappacino's, and pay in mostly change. All while talking at the top of their lungs.
- Birdoftruth, on 05/22/2008, -11/+204"Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles)."
Damn they lugged the whole thing over there? Never seen that one before - Hotrox, on 05/22/2008, -1/+161Rofl, sorry but that's awesome.
- soulonfire928, on 05/22/2008, -4/+139Greatest thing I've heard about Starbucks...
"...and if you walk to the end of the block, there sits a Starbucks. And directly across the street -- in the exact same building as that Starbucks -- there is... another Starbucks. There is a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks! And ladies and gentlemen, THAT is the end of the universe." - Lewis Black - sjbdallas, on 05/22/2008, -10/+139How about the douche on number 4? Just seeing his picture makes me want to kill.
- crushallcakes, on 05/22/2008, -7/+123I would add the people who buy those terrible, pre-packaged sandwiches to the list. It's as if they're saying, "I'm willing to pay a lot and deal with douches to get tasty coffee, but I'm willing to eat a sandwich that's on par with an old-ass Lunchable."
- insonh, on 05/22/2008, -6/+114which annoying person are you?
- sovereign3, on 05/22/2008, -0/+104I at least give him kudos for being clever.
- inactive, on 05/22/2008, -0/+101Recently at a Starbucks, some guy brought in his Macbook, a full-size keyboard, and a keyboard stand. This was a small shop in the city, so it took up nearly half the store. I can't imagine any reason you would haul all that equipment besides to "show off" that you are a musician and maybe attract some gullible woman. Dude- this isn't your damn recording studio, it's a coffee shop.
- kidfinesse, on 05/22/2008, -21/+122How about the coffee makers with the pretentious names like "barista" who never offer you a sleeve for your coffee because they want to protect the environment. I hate them.
- charlieville, on 05/22/2008, -15/+109I go to starbucks every day and I have to say that list was amazing. Well done
- afx1, on 05/22/2008, -0/+87http://improveverywhere.com/2008/02/25/mobile-desk ...
- joper90, on 05/22/2008, -2/+83wankers, wankers, wankers, wankers, wankers, wankers, wankers, and the odd bird with a great rack.
- Nrvana423, on 05/22/2008, -3/+80I want to read this article so bad....but it is blocked at work. I like their coffee personally, and I even worked at Starbucks for a brief stint, but I found one thing stands true; the longer the drink name the bigger the ass hole.
- csanz, on 05/22/2008, -8/+82too funny! i think the 1st one is super annoying... I always say small or medium...
- sovereign3, on 05/22/2008, -2/+74I bet the guy who wrote this wrote it at a Starbucks; making sure to expose a screen full of text and releasing frequent deep sighs of creative frustration.
- MixMastaKooz, on 05/22/2008, -2/+72Wow...that's a social hack meets douchecbag move: douchebag hack. There...new slang for everyone.
- inactive, on 05/22/2008, -18/+86Apple users.
- Taciturn, on 05/22/2008, -3/+68I once ordered a mocha in a Starbucks and was impatiently asked "what kind?"
- imacommi, on 05/22/2008, -5/+668. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large
I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of ***** in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your ***** after defecating.
7. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office
Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. “Yeah, I’m gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot…and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?” And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it’s going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You’re better off flying to Columbia, slitting Juan Valdez’s throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.
6. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer
Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they’re facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a ***** if an ***** and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!
5. Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker
At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn’t have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don’t pay *****, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin’ dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced chai in peace, you have to deal with: “Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we’re having isn’t it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn’t that be nice? It’s sooooo sunny! And what’s better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I’ll get this chai order right up for you. What’s your name? Terry? That’s my cousin’s name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed….Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!”
4. Complicated Order Guy Who Needs his Coffee Right The F*&K Now.
When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam” and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety… unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.
3. The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day
Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world’s biggest bore and the world’s biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-*****. He won’t shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they’re taking over the world and how their coffee totally “doesn’t taste like the gourmet stuff downtown.” But when you bring up the fact that he’s ranting about Starbucks while he’s actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. “Well, here’s the thing, I just didn’t have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it’s one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It’s so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That’s the law of the land. I totally can’t stand that I have to come here, but that’s what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They’re everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?”
2. Study Groups
Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every ***** thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made. If you could, would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.
1. The Person Who Peruses the DVD Section As If They Might Purchase.
It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase the “Pursuit of Happyness” DVD. “Gee what’s this movie Pursuit of Happyness about? I didn’t hear of it last summer when it grossed over 100 million dollars. Even though I’ve come here for coffee, I should carefully peruse the back cover to find out more about it!” Also, please don’t pick up a copy of “Akeelah and the Bee” as if you were going to buy it. No one buys that movie. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a real movie, it was just a box cover created by a group of white Starbucks executives so that customers could hold it in their hands and pretend to read the back, giving the impression to those around them that they’re progressive thinkers who seek out and enjoy films with African American casts. - sockpuppets, on 05/22/2008, -1/+57I was concerned with copyright violations.
- doogly, on 05/22/2008, -0/+53http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29030
- jazzgator, on 05/22/2008, -43/+94If I wanted a ***** coffee I'd make it myself. Screw you, Starbucks. I hate you and your grinds.
- inactive, on 05/22/2008, -1/+49....AND I spoke the words out loud as I typed them just to really let everyone know just how creative I really am.
- jjpertusch, on 05/22/2008, -2/+50the elitest mountain dew drinker? this is awesome.
- KingGorilla, on 05/22/2008, -1/+48Hey, don't hate on Lunchables
- inactive, on 05/22/2008, -4/+51I can add one more:
The woman/girl that has 12 ***** gallons of prefume on - which chokes the ***** out of you while standing in line. - dillhole, on 05/22/2008, -1/+46That's true, but if you made it yourself then you wouldn't be throwing money down the drain so you wouldn't be getting the complete experience.
- imamessy1, on 05/22/2008, -1/+46Unfortunately, they want you to be annoyingly talkative, and it was the one thing I hated while working at Starbucks. Half of these people are impatient and waiting for their coffee. They don't want the person making it to make small talk with them when they could be focusing on making the drink as fast as possible. Apparently making small talk is supposed to make it feel like being at home. I just find it uncomfortable. Maybe I'm just more of a fan of the awkward silence. At least it's quiet.
- hrhs556x, on 05/22/2008, -0/+44ahh like a electric piano keyboard, had to read that twice
- tehHardcorez, on 05/22/2008, -1/+42And you just bent over the barrel? For god sakes man, defend your honor!
- kh99, on 05/22/2008, -0/+40Maybe they ought to try separating customers in to two lines: the "shut up and get me my coffee" line and the "I've got nothing better to do" line.
- byronm, on 05/22/2008, -1/+40Funny.. he requires a "Sleeve" to hold a cup of joe yet conceives of a "barista" as pretentious.
- delrin500, on 05/22/2008, -10/+46Tim Horton's kicks the crap out of Starbucks!
- system5y, on 05/22/2008, -1/+37pwned!
- unheralded, on 05/22/2008, -5/+38Iced Chai, no ice...
get outta my face with that - inactive, on 05/22/2008, -1/+34Horton hears an "eh"
- Ellsass, on 11/05/2008, -1/+34You mean, "dude, you're getting a latte".
- zantos420, on 05/22/2008, -2/+33i used to work at a starbucks and this list is pretty accurate... they forgot the people who wait at the door at 4:55am for the doors to open at 5am and get pissy if we'd open 5 minutes late. sometimes i would just go extra slow to piss them off :)
- mediaspree, on 05/22/2008, -0/+30what sys admin thought to block holytaco.com and not digg?
- bjornski, on 05/22/2008, -2/+32If someone is too stupid to figure out "small" when I order one, I'll to to the next available coffee pot. It's not like they're hard to find.
I'm not going to learn a new language to get my magic bean juice. - bjornski, on 05/22/2008, -4/+33Stick.....ass......
Remove it. - thelif, on 05/22/2008, -0/+27racist
- sandersdamnit, on 05/22/2008, -10/+37double soy chai half shot of espresso caramel mocha frappucino - $11.50
"But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I’m speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of ***** in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your ***** after defecating" - priceless -
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