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See the original image at chicagotribune.com

12 ways to get kicked out of jury duty -- FUNNY

chicagotribune.com — Advice from the R. Kelly trial

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  • ColonelTribune, on 05/16/2008, -4/+32What do you think? Could YOU be fair to R. Kelly?
    • wavesmachine, on 05/16/2008, -1/+20really?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmBRBUZ7UWc

      how 'bout now?
      • greenlight2001, on 05/16/2008, -7/+9"***** yo couch, *****! ***** yo couch!"
      • dfsjdkflasjk, on 05/16/2008, -4/+4Dave Chappelle bit. Didn't see that one coming, very original of you
    • mal1964, on 05/16/2008, -1/+12Q--Have you formed or expressed an opinion as to the guilt or innocence of the defendant in this case? Yes
      You're dismissed
    • starf, on 05/16/2008, -2/+2In the sense of him being famous, sure. I never heard of him before Southpark's scientology episode (or at least I never paid attention when he was mentioned), and before this article, I don't recall hearing anything else.
    • darkmist, on 05/16/2008, -2/+18Who's R. Kelly?
      • Fozefy, on 05/16/2008, -2/+6I was going to post this and assumed i'd get dugg down hard. Apparently I was mistaken. Best way to get out of jury duty every time...Blame Sept. 11th on the defendant.
    • BadBosco, on 05/16/2008, -17/+14 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .____,,,---~`,, . . . . . . .. _________
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      . . . . . . . . . . ,/. . . . : : : : : :::: :::: :: : : : : :-, . . /. . . . . . . . . .
      . . . . . . . . . ./. . . .: . :: : : :::: :::: :::: :::: : ::: -, . . . . . . . . . .
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      . . . . . . .,-/ : :: :: :: :: :: : : : : : : : :: : : :::: :::: ::::::; . . . . . . . .
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      . . . . . . . /,,- :: :: :: :: :: :: :: : ::_,-~~,_-, ;; ;; ;; ;; | . . . . . . .
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      / : : : : : -, :¯¯ : : _,,-~ : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| : : : : : : : : :
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    • Eezyville, on 05/16/2008, -1/+1"And if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'm gonna pee on your cat!"-Riley
  • FizzanoMatrix, on 05/16/2008, -1/+1416.) Bring up anything having to do with Torreto's hard time for nearly beating a man to death.
    • screwy3333, on 05/16/2008, -0/+2he has to take the bus to work.....and they banned me from the tracks for life
    • ManOfVirtues, on 05/16/2008, -0/+1"I live my life a quarter mile at a time ..."
  • mentallyinhell, on 05/16/2008, -3/+147"I'm a racist" usually works too.
  • Surferess, on 05/16/2008, -4/+79I think the woman who called him a "musical genius" would have to be kicked off for having bad taste.
    • yuutokun, on 05/16/2008, -6/+1This kind of news really makes me wonder why various nations around the world accepted China as the host of this year's Olympics. The free nations of the world should neither support nor pander to those that do not support the western ideals of freedom and liberty.
    • ImYourRealDad, on 05/16/2008, -3/+3It's a far call to say that R. Kelly is a musical genius, but you cannot deny the mans talent. That boy can really sing beautifully.
    • synthoid, on 05/17/2008, -0/+1Sorry, but his music isn't better than GTA4 or Iron Man.
  • thebaron2, on 05/16/2008, -1/+128"I blame R. Kelly for Sept. 11. When the judge asked one prospective juror about his feelings regarding Kelly, he cryptically answered: "R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it." You're right, we can't. In fact, we're fairly certain that no one has ever tried."

    Ha! It's the new truther movement!
    • Sil369, on 05/16/2008, -1/+9Funniest one there
      • shawnanigans, on 05/16/2008, -5/+2Only funny one there.
      • podrag, on 05/30/2008, -0/+1Ha next he'll be saying that it looked like controlled demolition! These people eh?
  • resipsa, on 05/16/2008, -0/+51Say what you will, jury duty can actually be pretty fun, so long as you don't have anything really pressing at work / school.
    • xtinamo, on 05/16/2008, -0/+12I agree! I did feel like a dork though when I went my first time excited and everyone else just looked pissed off.
  • mikem94590, on 05/16/2008, -0/+17Sit there and twitch randomly.
    • saisumimen, on 05/16/2008, -1/+2Cover your ears and repeat a sentence over and over (ie: "Why won't they leave? Why won't they leave???!)

      Sit there and scratch at your arms over and over while you mumble gibberish.
    • jackalsclaw, on 05/17/2008, -0/+1you just cracked me up, with the mental image
  • dvsbastard, on 05/16/2008, -3/+107"I enjoy urinating on minors..."
    • Judacious, on 05/16/2008, -4/+6lol
    • xmizzbojanglesx, on 05/16/2008, -0/+10That earned you a place in the "controversial" category
    • MysticSavage, on 05/16/2008, -1/+2I wanna piss on you...drip, drip, drip.
  • TEHxINTERWEBS, on 05/16/2008, -1/+23Please call my mom When one juror failed to show up for service, deputies called his house and his mother answered. She told the court that she didn't know where her son was and that he hadn't been "right" since he was shot in the head a while back. The judge and attorneys agreed to let him off the hook.

    Haha I wish my mom said that when my first job called me!
  • Meekus, on 05/16/2008, -0/+11When I was younger, I hated the couple of times I was called for jury duty. Nowadays, I actually wouldn't mind being on a jury.
    • dvsbastard, on 05/16/2008, -0/+18Same... It sure as hell beats being on trial...
    • starf, on 05/16/2008, -0/+6I just had my first jury call a few months back. I wouldn't have minded being assigned to a jury, but the waiting is really annoying. You can't bring any electronics including phones into the waiting room, so your life is basically on hold until they either let you go or you get selected.
      I didn't even get called in from the waiting room. :-/
      • RealmDown, on 05/16/2008, -1/+6Bring a satchel full of books. Rent them out at $5 an hour.
        Magazines are $3 per hour. The SI Swimsuit edition is $20, but you can't take it with you to the Little Jurors Room.
    • MyExSucks, on 05/16/2008, -8/+3I love that my dad's a lawyer so I'll never have to do jury duty.
  • gcnaddict, on 05/16/2008, -0/+1These could be handy...
  • Nhmarine, on 05/16/2008, -9/+12Mmmm... I love how people try to get out of punishing others. Come on! if you get jury duty, feel privileged to have the opportunity to condemn someone to jail or death!
  • mal1964, on 05/16/2008, -16/+5Worthless because who wants to get kicked off, Its Your Civic Duty
    • RomeyRome, on 05/16/2008, -1/+6You sat in the front of the class didn't you?
      • mal1964, on 05/16/2008, -4/+3You should have.
      • apophenic, on 05/19/2008, -0/+1i do the front of the class is the best place to hear the professor speak and also to see the slides he shows
  • chrispeters, on 05/16/2008, -2/+37Have we really reached the stage where we have to tell people something is funny in the title?
  • RadiatedAnt, on 05/16/2008, -2/+6This is why I couldn't be on the jury http://youtube.com/watch?v=FmBRBUZ7UWc
  • danielvutran, on 05/16/2008, -13/+1
    I blame R. Kelly for Sept. 11. When the judge asked one prospective juror about his feelings regarding Kelly, he cryptically answered: "R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it." You're right, we can't. In fact, we're fairly certain that no one has ever tried.
    • davidlick, on 05/16/2008, -1/+7Oh, cool...so you read the article too?
  • tifosiuno, on 05/16/2008, -0/+5I got out of jury duty in March because I work the night shift. They actually called me and said people on the night shift don't work out too well serving jury duty.
    • troye, on 05/16/2008, -1/+1This is the only excuse that I think I can work.
  • oep4, on 05/16/2008, -16/+8Top 2 reasons:

    I would change the age of consent. Two who were kicked off offered this philosophy, one going so far as to suggest that "nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: puberty."

    I blame R. Kelly for Sept. 11. When the judge asked one prospective juror about his feelings regarding Kelly, he cryptically answered: "R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it." You're right, we can't. In fact, we're fairly certain that no one has ever tried.
  • getbusylivin, on 05/16/2008, -1/+6I was hoping the 'More Articles' link at the bottom of the page was more excuses. I could've read those for quite awhile.
  • NikoKun, on 05/16/2008, -4/+25"Nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: Puberty."
    While many might hate or be angered or disgusted by such a statement... It does make an odd kind of sense...
    Our current moral values on such things, are actually quite recent in terms of history, and are based in odd modern religious values. Comparatively speaking anyway.
    • Y0tsuya, on 05/16/2008, -1/+6Hey it's the result of millions of years of evolution. Evolution, man! You can't go against evolution!
    • H0tKarl, on 05/16/2008, -9/+8Girl says no? Nature says yes!!!
      • NikoKun, on 05/16/2008, -0/+6That wouldn't be very consenting then, would it?
    • hfactor, on 05/16/2008, -0/+15That doesn't make "an odd kind of sense", that makes the only kind of sense. My father is a gynecologist, and everytime parents ask him "When is my [usually] daughter old enough to have sex?" he replies "When she wants to." Trying to suppress the natural development of teenagers leads to no good (and they'll do it anyway, just hide it from you).
    • Solis, on 05/16/2008, -1/+4Why exactly would it be an "odd kind of sense"? It's perfectly logical and correct sense.
    • Joomal, on 05/16/2008, -1/+5The problem is, along time ago when people lived to 40 max because an old or sick person would get killed by a predator, it was perfectly acceptable and encouraged to mother/father a child as soon as possible to guarantee the prosperity of the species and your bloodline.

      These days if you don't go through at least 19 years of school and possibly college/university, you are nothing and will have a hard time supporting a child in today's society. A girl who is 13 and gets pregnant cannot possibly support a child in today's material world.

      This is the reason why there is a law that has a sexual age of consent. It is for the protection of the baby and not the mother or father.

      j
  • VanD, on 05/16/2008, -7/+2That ***** is digital.
  • chester27, on 05/16/2008, -8/+2One of my friends asked if this was from the Onion. :
    • timewarp424, on 05/16/2008, -1/+1You have friends? What are you doing on digg?
  • briangig, on 05/16/2008, -4/+37im 24 and still haven't been selected for jury duty...i'm starting to think my name isnt in the hat.
    • H0tKarl, on 05/16/2008, -1/+24You wouldn't happen to be a registered sex offender, would you?
      • jackalsclaw, on 05/17/2008, -0/+1you think they would be able to be on non-child non-sex cases , Drugs, robbery , murder, and such.
    • PamalaLauren, on 05/16/2008, -0/+9I was 25 when I got my first summons. Just wait. Too bad I didn't get it a year or two ago, I would have loved to serve but now I'm a stay at home mom with a daughter with a disability so I'm let off the hook without having to show.
    • Elliuotatar, on 05/16/2008, -1/+4Did you vote in the last election? Do you have a car? In some states they use the election registry or the DMV records to choose prospective jurors.
      • sfrench, on 05/16/2008, -0/+7In California, they use both. One time I was called for two separate counties the same week because my driver's license was in one county, and my voter registration was in another.
    • jstem1994, on 05/16/2008, -0/+11I'll be 41 next month & haven't either.
    • bigkeeperrabbit, on 05/16/2008, -0/+5Just move to someplace with serious crime like Detroit or Baltimore; you'll be able to retire on jury duty.
    • LaSepultura, on 05/16/2008, -0/+2I'm 25 and got my summon a few months ago, which I postponed.
    • chanop, on 05/16/2008, -2/+425, and I've gotten one about every 6 months since I was 18. I've thrown them all away. I'm pretty sure they're going to pick me up one of these days....
      • Ndiggnation, on 05/16/2008, -0/+1Well, how can they really prove you ever got it, unless the notice was sent via registered mail? That's what I've always had in mind..
    • devobergso, on 05/16/2008, -0/+1my grandfather is 67 and he has never been chosen. I'm 22 and they tried to get me twice already. luckily I have the "I'm attending college" excuse
    • saisumimen, on 05/16/2008, -0/+2Maybe you're just really ugly ;p

      Seriously though, my roommate is 25 and he has never been asked to attend because he's not registered to vote.

      I'm 26 and I've been asked 3 times, (once in CA and twice in AZ) each time I've actually wanted to go but the case was dismissed. I want to go at least once just to see what it's like. No luck so far.
  • Y0tsuya, on 05/16/2008, -1/+4Just say you feel that all [insert occupation of defendant] should be in jail, and make up a reason why.
  • dleesgeetar, on 05/16/2008, -0/+5the last one is gold, i wish there was a video of it
  • ThickGreenPuke, on 05/16/2008, -20/+81) "I always wanted to see a ***** hang :)"
    2) "Is this a child molestation case? Would we get to see the evidence?"
    3) "What's a Jury"?
    4) "Oh *****! I thought this was a child pornography convention"
    5) *****' THING SUCKS!...wait, how did this get here?
    6) "Time to score me some MILFs at the jury"
    7) "Will the judge take her bra off?"
    8) "Wait, it's a guy? ok, will he take his pants off?"
    9) "Now common seriously, Will I get to see a ***** hang?"
    10) don't have a ***** number 10.
    • KillerSe7en, on 05/16/2008, -0/+6The Frat called. They want their sense of humor back.
    • hansblix, on 05/16/2008, -0/+3Or lack of one rather.
    • RickyBennett, on 05/16/2008, -0/+12 & 4 is enough to get your home searched
  • hardcle, on 05/16/2008, -2/+14I served on a jury in Chicago for an auto accident case. During the selection process, a man wearing a priest's collar said he couldn't be fair because he had been involved in an auto accident. He was excused and quickly left the courtroom. I believed him at the time, but later it occurred to me that he was faking to get out of jury duty.

    Jury duty is not so bad that you have to impersonate a priest in order to get out of it.
  • insomniac8400, on 05/16/2008, -5/+15This is *****, no one who has a job can serve a long jury trial. People shouldn't have to make excuses.
    • Flashman, on 05/16/2008, -0/+14So if you were arrested on a major charge, you'd prefer to be tried by a panel of homeless people and retirees?
    • dudefaceguyman, on 05/16/2008, -1/+3Better then a bunch of grumpy people who hate me for pulling them away to do boring Jury Duty. Hell the homeless people will prolly love me for bringing them in a warm building. Retiree people might be a pain though..
  • silentb0b, on 05/16/2008, -3/+67i got picked for jury duty and was excused on the first question. I was asked - "Do i have any problems with the black man who was arrested for smuggling cocaine via his boat?" I answered - "No problems, all black people are drug dealers." I was then escorted out.
    • joshcxa, on 05/16/2008, -1/+5We're all friends here, right? You can tell us if you really did say that.
      Funny nonetheless
    • lisaawesome, on 05/16/2008, -0/+16My only problem with the black man is that he didn't share some of his product with me.
    • jackalsclaw, on 05/17/2008, -0/+2you could have said "yes I hate boats owners".
  • pak314, on 05/16/2008, -1/+7Once in jury selection this lady tries to act racist in order to get kicked out. Everyone could tell she was faking it. The judge tries to draw it out to see how far she would go and she went all the way and made a fool of herself just to get out of the jury selection.
  • luken7, on 05/16/2008, -4/+1I think that Dave Chapel should be a jury candidate. He could then be excused for re-enacting the PooPoo video from his show.
  • JackGrozny, on 05/16/2008, -0/+27I just bring along a copy of Mein Kampf.
  • mal1964, on 05/16/2008, -1/+49Prosecutor: Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?
    Dave Chappelle: Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.
    R. Kelly's Grandma: That's my Robert, always peeing on peopl
  • cathl, on 05/16/2008, -1/+22Mention that you're aware of jury nullification.
  • Adk920, on 05/16/2008, -5/+2I haven't seen the video but from what i've heard if he's guilty I think a fair punishment would be to pee on him, see how he likes it, followed by a few decades in jail
  • cowsgonemadd3, on 05/16/2008, -1/+3What about saying "I support the death penalty" wont that get you out in a hurry? Its what I have been told before.
    • weside, on 05/16/2008, -0/+1Maybe in a capital crime, but I'm not sure it would in this case. Or is R Kelly up for lethal injection?
  • Flushnasty, on 05/16/2008, -2/+7'i wanna pee on you"
  • taradisiac, on 05/16/2008, -8/+2I'd like to serve as a jury if anything to tip the scale. 11 idiots + me = 1 intelligent individual
  • Fozefy, on 05/16/2008, -0/+30"I'll change my vacation plans. Overeagerness to serve on the jury is a definite red flag to attorneys. When one man offered to rearrange a trip to see his parents, the prosecution bounced him for being star-struck."

    Maybe he just doesn't like his parents?
    • goochie, on 05/16/2008, -1/+2I see more than a few ppl digg u up, but too afraid to leave a comment to reveal who they are.
      Okay... I will be the first one. I will also change my vacation plan to see my parents anytime for jury duty.

      But I am no US citizen. We got no jury duty here. I have to think of other excuses.
  • vermax, on 05/16/2008, -5/+6what's worked for me in the past is to point out the unconstitutionality of those words "in god we trust" up behind the judge, and how you think that makes the whole thing a farce. it wasn't ***** though, it gets me more than a little pissed to see that foolishness up there. don't know how i end up with it crossed out on all my money.
    • Solis, on 05/16/2008, -4/+3Dude, I'm an atheist and I couldn't care less what's written on my money or is displayed in a court room. Just because I don't believe that nonsense doesn't mean I give two ***** what fairytales other people believe in.
    • diggopolous, on 05/16/2008, -1/+1"don't know how I end up with it crossed out on all my money."
      Clue: I bet you some ***** crossed it out
  • rdebath, on 05/16/2008, -5/+1Jury "duty" for this crap. A video of him and some girl who (and her mother) says it isn't her in the picture. Just a couple of women who say they did nothing "wrong" (when they wanted to) pointing the finger. Plus they're not going for 'kiddy rape' when that exactly what they're trying to prove to get the lighter charge of 'kiddy porn'. It's gonna be both sides trying to browbeat the jury into the verdict they want. No way, I'd be a "spare" in this case too.
  • joshcxa, on 05/16/2008, -0/+3Bring in R.Kelly. Tell him to stay away from my eyes.
  • freaky2k, on 05/16/2008, -5/+1Okay, the last one just cuts the cake and I'm using it!!!!!

    "I blame R. Kelly for Sept. 11. When the judge asked one prospective juror about his feelings regarding Kelly, he cryptically answered: "R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it." You're right, we can't. In fact, we're fairly certain that no one has ever tried."
  • funkyjunk3, on 05/16/2008, -2/+4"He is god, and personal savior. I will fight with everything I can muster to save him." - will get you out faster than most anything I can think of.
  • funkyjunk3, on 05/16/2008, -2/+3Or, "I am god, and I'm a gonna condemn that bastard to hell for what he did" might be more effective.
  • mangosinslo, on 05/16/2008, -1/+3"my favorite music video is piss on you!"
  • majorpayne27, on 05/16/2008, -0/+26In the end, they'll just end up finding people too dumb to get out of jury duty.
  • WoWii, on 05/16/2008, -1/+6"How you gonna make a video about pissin on people?"
    "***** how YOU gonna make a video about pissin on people?"
  • FlailofFury, on 05/16/2008, -1/+3"nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: puberty."

    The absolute truth in reality. Our ideas of morals in some what twisted in it really has no basis in scientific fact that people past the age of puberty can't make as good as decisions as they could in 5 years. Its a longer time span in the arguement of does 1 day/month/year really end up mattering on the issue.
  • ParanoydAndroid, on 05/16/2008, -2/+4"Nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: Puberty."

    Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.
    No?
    Get 'em before the hair does.
    Or there's the classic
    Grass on the field, fair to play.
    Be like the tortoise, get there before the hair.

    I've got tons of these ... I'm not sure why ... >.>
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