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514 Comments
- Falldog, on 02/22/2008, -4/+384I suppose some are having troubles getting to the site. It works just fine for me, but just in case...
Sometimes it's hard to come up with a full-length, balls-to-the-wall rant, but a lot of "too long for Twitter, too short for a whole post" ideas float in and out of my head all the time. Here's 10 things every adult really ought to know, but a lot of people are apparently just too ***** stupid to figure out:
1. Having sex can cause pregnancy. This one seems too obvious to mention, but judging from the number of accidental children in the world, I thought it bore repeating. Nothing is 100% effective against pregnancy except abstinence, or the removal of your ovaries or testicles. (Incidentally, abortion is still legal in the US and most of Europe, just in case.)
2. If you cover your face with piercing jewelry, you may not be able to find a job. This also goes for doing weird things to your hair, and getting tattoos in conspicuous places. And for *****'s sake, don't give me any ***** about "freedom of expression", you little dumbass. You go right ahead and express yourself all you want, but body modification is not a constitutionally protected belief system. They can't not hire you for being a Jew, but they certainly can not hire you for looking like a ***** freak. (caveat: I have both piercings and tattoos … nothing against tattoos, piercings or ***** freaks. Just don't whine about it when you're treated like one.)
3. It's 2008. Racism is seriously outdated. That means, yes Virginia, it is TOTALLY ***** UNACCEPTABLE to refer to that black guy on TV as a "junglebunny." Also, don't use the word "they" as though black folks are some separate species who all think and act the same way. They're humans, not dogs. And do I really need to remind you that "*****" is a bad word?! Here's a nice rule of thumb for you, dearie: If you wouldn't say it to a black person's face, you probably shouldn't be saying it at all. (For those of you who really don't get it, this also applies to spics, pakis, chinks, gooks, jews, towelheads, and anyone else you care to slander.)
4. Spontaneous anal sex often involves small amounts of feces. Yes, yes it does. This point is mainly aimed at straight guys, who seem to have a frighteningly widespread lack of understanding on this issue. If you want your backdoor action all nice and sanitary, you need to plan ahead. Buy a little something called an anal douche, and find a way to gracefully suggest she use it before bed if you want a little booty nookie. If you just swap holes in the middle of the action, without such careful forethought, things often get messy … because guys, it's a butt, and [big secret]there's poop in there[/big secret]. And as long as we're on the subject of anal …
5. Anal sex does not make you gay. Again, for the benefit of you straight boys. Even if you secretly want your girlfriend to bend you over with a strap on, it's OK. You're not gay. You know why? Because you want to be ***** by a girl, not a boy. That's what the whole "gay" thing is about: Liking boys instead of girls. Anal sex is irrelevant.
6. Marijuana is not a "gateway drug". Oh sure, maybe 99% of "hard" drug users also smoke pot. And maybe a lot of them smoked pot before they got into crack or heroin or whatever. But that's not because the pot made them do it, it's because damn near ***** everyone has smoked pot at some point.
7. Creationism is *****. Seriously. A big magic guy in the clouds did not wiggle his fingers and create the earth in 6 days. Didn't ***** happen. And I think anyone who professes to believe such a thing ought to be barred from political office. What if there was a religion claiming the world was flat, and the whole "round" thing was just an optical illusion created by God to test our faith? Would ANYONE be suggesting we teach it in schools? Would anyone vote for a politician who claimed to believe it? For *****'s sake, people. It's 2008. We have fossils. We have carbon dating. Get a clue!
8. You have no right to be proud, unless you did it yourself. That goes for anything from racial pride to patriotism. Your race, gender and nationality are ***** accidents of birth. Being proud of something you got stuck with when mamma squeezed you out is stupid. You have a right to be proud of your own personal accomplishments, and perhaps those of your children (if you were actually a good parent, and your kids didn't succeed by sheer bloody-mindedness alone). That's it. Your parents *****, Mom got knocked up, and ~9 months later, there you were. Race, gender and nationality handed to you out of some cosmic lottery machine. ***** your white pride, black pride, national pride, and all the ***** that goes along with it.
9. Police and Politicians have a lot in common. Maybe half of them go into their chosen careers wanting to genuinely do good. Save people, and make the world a better place and all that. The other half are greedy, power-hungry *****. And the good half? After a few years on the job, most of them have become so corrupted and/or insulated from the real world, they become vicious, rotten ***** too. You can't trust 90% of either of 'em.
10. America is not #1. Well, not unless you count military spending and handgun related deaths. We're ***** at public education. Our health care system is both the most expensive and the least effective in the developed world. Literacy, infant mortality, per capita living below the poverty line and/or without any health insurance … etc., etc. We're kind of horrible at a whole lot of things, if you want to be honest about it. We're also, on average, fat as *****. - dreicher, on 02/22/2008, -43/+2801. Fact of Life.
2. Fact of Life.
3. Don't make sweeping generalizations!
4. Anal Sex
5. Anal Sex (continued)
6. Sweeping generalization.
7. Sweeping generalization.
8. Sweeping generalization.
9. Sweeping generalization.
10. Sweeping generalization. - tmracerx, on 02/22/2008, -9/+141should be a #11 on that list:
people have the insatiable need to create lists "...of Ten" - Taciturn, on 02/22/2008, -5/+98So... if a girl likes anal, does that make her a gay man?
- atdigg, on 02/22/2008, -11/+101I like this one:
You have no right to be proud, unless you did it yourself. That goes for anything from racial pride to patriotism. Your race, gender and nationality are ***** accidents of birth. Being proud of something you got stuck with when mamma squeezed you out is stupid. You have a right to be proud of your own personal accomplishments, and perhaps those of your children (if you were actually a good parent, and your kids didn't succeed by sheer bloody-mindedness alone). That's it. Your parents *****, Mom got knocked up, and ~9 months later, there you were. Race, gender and nationality handed to you out of some cosmic lottery machine. ***** your white pride, black pride, national pride, and all the ***** that goes along with it. - loganhid, on 02/22/2008, -7/+930: Always get a good server
- RealmDown, on 02/22/2008, -7/+89"1. Having sex can cause pregnancy"
Close. BEER causes pregnancy. Sex is just the carrier. - inactive, on 02/22/2008, -58/+122"Creationism is *****. Seriously."
I would add; Religion in general is ***** for the exact same reasons. - 711Security, on 02/22/2008, -62/+125Agree to everything except for #6 - "Anal sex does not make you gay." Though I have nothing against homosexuals, if you want to get boned by your girlfriend wearing a strapped-on *****, that's pretty gay in my book.
- michelle83, on 02/22/2008, -6/+69your book is pretty gay then, imo
- Zipko, on 02/22/2008, -2/+62“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”
- lickmylovepump, on 02/22/2008, -16/+76"Anal sex does not make you gay. Again, for the benefit of you straight boys. Even if you secretly want your girlfriend to bend you over with a strap on, it's OK. You're not gay. You know why? Because you want to be ***** by a girl, not a boy. That's what the whole "gay" thing is about: Liking boys instead of girls. Anal sex is irrelevant."
- inactive, on 02/22/2008, -1/+51its good you came clean because the first thing I was thinking is.. where is wtfkeyhole2pro because I bet he could say it much better than this.
- RealmDown, on 02/22/2008, -1/+49No, but it sure doubles her chances of a date on a Saturday night.
- zmjone2992, on 02/22/2008, -1/+46wrong. radiocarbon dating uses the radioactive half-life, not the age of the original carbon.
- bovilexia, on 02/22/2008, -4/+48it's not really gay if you consider the fact that the prostate gland is basically the male g sport.
- rossisdead, on 02/22/2008, -4/+46If you wanna ***** a girl in the ass, does that mean you secretly want to ***** a dude in the ass?
If a girl sucks your dick, does that mean you secretly want a dude to suck your dick?
No? Then how does having a girl, one you probably find hot cause she's got boobs and a vagina, using a strapon to ***** you in the ass make you suddenly want a guy to do you in the ass? Oh that's right, it doesn't.
Let it be known that I'm gay, and I have no desire to ***** a woman in the ass or let a woman suck my dick. A hole may be a hole but I'm not attracted to what its attached to. - jayhawk88, on 02/22/2008, -2/+428. You have no right to be proud, unless you did it yourself. That goes for anything from racial pride to patriotism. Your race, gender and nationality are ***** accidents of birth. Being proud of something you got stuck with when mamma squeezed you out is stupid. You have a right to be proud of your own personal accomplishments, and perhaps those of your children (if you were actually a good parent, and your kids didn't succeed by sheer bloody-mindedness alone). That's it. Your parents *****, Mom got knocked up, and ~9 months later, there you were. Race, gender and nationality handed to you out of some cosmic lottery machine. ***** your white pride, black pride, national pride, and all the ***** that goes along with it.
This one would seriously solve 90% of the worlds problems if everyone believed it. - cleverhanz, on 02/22/2008, -2/+41Carbon dating works by dating the amount of carbon 14 in a thing. Carbon 14 is a radioactive isotope of carbon (normal, common carbon is carbon 12). Carbon 14 is created created when Nitrogen in the upper atmosphere is bombarded by radiation. As soon as it is created it begins to decay. Living things absorb new carbon (including carbon 14) while they are alive, and get rid of it while they are alive too. The ratio of carbon 14 to carbon 12 in a living thing is the same as the ratio in their environment. When they die, they stop absorbing new carbon, but the carbon 14 already in them continues to decay. As time goes on the ratio slips further away from where it began. By measuring that ratio, we can get a very accurate estimate of when something st oped absorbing carbon, i.e. when it died. That is how carbon dating works. It is not circular reasoning. It is sound reasoning that has be proven over and over again.
- Gugel, on 02/22/2008, -20/+54America has the best HIGHER education system in the world. The USA dominates the list of top universities of the world as compiled by a 3rd party international organization: http://www.arwu.org/rank/2004/top500(1-100).htm
We might not have the best high schools and grade schools, but we destroy every other country when it comes to universities. - Unreal595, on 02/22/2008, -4/+36GO SWEDEN!
- inactive, on 02/22/2008, -0/+32Like the 10 commandments? I'd like that one to go to 11.
Commandment 11. Keep thy religion to thyselh. - Shiftgood, on 02/22/2008, -9/+40thanks for the update sport.
- typicalusername, on 02/22/2008, -2/+33How so!? All I saw was "I'm random ***** nerd who believes that I know it all" top 10. Same as a cracked list. I found it entertaining, but not better than anything else.
- nepawoods, on 02/22/2008, -0/+29There should be a bury option for that. If it dies before front page, it should never get there.
- WarpFox, on 02/22/2008, -3/+30Will cosmic red shift work for you then?
- lazyslacker, on 02/22/2008, -13/+40I agree with every single one of those, and they're funny, except #7. I'm sorry, and I know most of you will disagree with me, but I believe in God. I don't believe the earth was made in 6 literal days. I don't believe in the literal interpretation of the bible. I'm cool with gay people and all that. I just believe that everything was made by God and I believe in heaven and all that junk. I completely agree with the theory of evolution. I DO however agree with the author that religious zealots should not hold public office. I'm all for the separation of church and state. I believe that God can do little for us here on earth, if anything at all, so it makes little sense to be lead by someone who is going to use the bible to dictate our moral stucture and actions internationally. The whole religion thing, to me, is an issue that should stay on the level of just concerning myself.
- Br33W, on 02/22/2008, -9/+35It was a funny list. I especially liked the part about tattoos and jewelery since it should be a common fact that you WILL get treated differently.
- Omano, on 02/22/2008, -11/+37dude, do you know where YOUR g-spot is? have fun finding out:) And have sex with men is not gay unless your balls touch.
- sammybond455, on 02/22/2008, -7/+32Racism is old folks, fatism is in.
- jlungu, on 02/22/2008, -2/+26"Not that there is nothing wrong with being homosexual."
Double negative. Are you homophobic now? - cerealjynx, on 02/22/2008, -3/+27Yes.
..? - TreatsTheBear, on 02/22/2008, -0/+23It's neutral, like eating a sandwich.
- Nougat, on 02/22/2008, -0/+21How about just a finger?
- BabyWookie, on 02/22/2008, -1/+20There are no "gay" sex acts. The only thing that makes you gay is being sexually attracted to men.
- strixus, on 02/22/2008, -10/+29Yet in my experience 50% of students from the US coming into a US university cannot make the cut past the first semester thanks to the REST of our sorry excuse for an education system. They cannot write a 500 word essay, let alone read the texts they need for classes. Yet never have I had a student on a student visa ever have any of these problems. US education system == FAIL.
- inactive, on 02/22/2008, -0/+18How about a gerbil?
- lowhauler, on 02/22/2008, -5/+22That's because being black or gay isn't a choice. Adhering to a faith, or maybe just to faith, that's a choice. And insisting that your specific beliefs be treated as fact under the law, or killing people because they won't believe what you believe, that's an obnoxious choice.
- inactive, on 02/22/2008, -0/+17I couldn't have said it better.
- TreatsTheBear, on 02/22/2008, -2/+18Yes, but what makes the carbon 14 decay into carbon 12?
God does. That's who.
Obviously. - inactive, on 02/22/2008, -0/+16reminds me of when my friend was asked "if you went to prison and you had to take it in the ass or mouth, which would you pick?"
"but the ass is so personal" - ispshadow, on 02/23/2008, -2/+17Well, I don't care what any "10 things" list says,
If you want your girlfriend to ***** you in your ass with a fake penis, you've thought about having a real one in there. - BigLLamasHouse, on 02/22/2008, -0/+15Yessss! You saved me from Websense. Work sucks. Funny internets rule.
- toadc, on 02/22/2008, -11/+26Lemme guess, you're from Florida? Or Texas? or just being sarcastic, i hope....
- sheitmar, on 02/22/2008, -0/+15Sorry, check your facts. The World Heatlh Organization has the USA ranked as #37 in the world...so I don't really know how you can say the quality is better than other first world countries.
SOURCE: (From 2000) http://www.photius.com/rankings/healthranks.html - Nrvana423, on 02/22/2008, -0/+15Dugg, but this should be thrown in there...
"True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend." - bovilexia, on 02/22/2008, -4/+19it's not that you want dick, it's you want sexual stimulation.
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