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10 Important News Stories as Depicted by 5-Year-Olds

cracked.com — With all of the wars, gas shortages, a looming depression and no more Olympics to pretend aren't boring, things are pretty bleak. We wondered if our world would look any less depressing if viewed through the eyes of a five-year-old.

Who dugg this? Made popular Aug 28, 2008

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  • inactive, on 08/28/2008, -6/+252Like it's predecessor, the 'Hard-On Collider' has a chance of producing strange and dark matter when used.
  • simonaelterman, on 08/28/2008, -7/+190I doubt the " not daddy with mom" would have made the news, but it's still hilarious.
  • TimeIsTissue, on 08/28/2008, -1/+139apparently, 5 year olds talk about boners.
  • MrALPHA, on 08/28/2008, -3/+139Hardon collider + black hole. There is a joke in there somewhere...
  • dolemite01, on 08/28/2008, -1/+135its the beheading on the greyhound bus
    Bee Heading on a Greyhound
  • mecharabbit, on 08/28/2008, -0/+128If your "matter" is dark, you should probably see a urologist.
  • CharlesDance, on 08/28/2008, -0/+124It's only gay if protons are touching.
  • unknownoliver, on 08/28/2008, -7/+98Zoidburg Jesus: I help those who help themselves! Whoop whoop whoop!
  • mecharabbit, on 08/28/2008, -1/+87Bee-headed? I know I shouldn't be laughing, but...
  • matthewaaron, on 08/28/2008, -3/+85The first 9 were :)
    The last one was 0_o
  • blatant3, on 08/28/2008, -1/+76Holy *****! Jesus has lobster claws???
  • D3koy, on 08/28/2008, -0/+65What jackass bought their kid a Gameboy Color last year?
  • shutaro, on 08/28/2008, -1/+57Especially if you've been involved in a hard-on collision.
  • edwartica, on 08/28/2008, -1/+46I don't think I'm understanding number 4.
  • thekms, on 08/28/2008, -9/+45The whole concept behind this kind of lost its charm 7 or 8 lists ago.
  • edwartica, on 08/28/2008, -0/+33Ooooo, ok. Thanks!
  • bluepill2, on 08/28/2008, -6/+38Look, it was funny.
    You can get away with ANYTHING if its funny.
  • rollerboy, on 08/28/2008, -0/+30Thanks I didn't understand that one.
  • Elderon, on 08/28/2008, -3/+31Either jesus has one hell of a sunburn or that is satan in disguise. GO USA!
    /joke
  • xptoast, on 08/28/2008, -0/+28Not daddy...Mommy... Wow that one is funny and sad all at the same time.
  • bunker6, on 08/28/2008, -0/+28I paid off the judges
  • BlaqReaper, on 08/28/2008, -1/+28Scientists are trying to recreate the big bang.
  • oli35, on 08/28/2008, -6/+28http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM
  • billski, on 08/28/2008, -0/+22That same family that "got" that kid a 360; but it was just the box, with clothes in it.
  • nerdherder, on 08/28/2008, -0/+21Punch was served.
  • jaromdl, on 08/28/2008, -0/+21Apparently Russia invited Georgia.
  • jorichter, on 08/28/2008, -2/+22Dude I highly doubt 5 year olds read Cracked...
  • shutaro, on 08/28/2008, -2/+22"Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels..."
  • inactive, on 08/28/2008, -1/+19I applaud the bee-heading, always good to see some Canadian content!

    Hell awaits!
  • OneLess, on 08/28/2008, -4/+22Dear Christians:

    Please change your theology to include Zoidberg Jesus.

    Thanks,

    The Rest of the World
  • Merigo, on 08/28/2008, -13/+31love the hardone collider part
  • Triplastic, on 08/28/2008, -0/+16#9 has Jesus as played by Zoidberg! Awesome.
  • insertAliasHere, on 08/28/2008, -1/+16Honestly, no. I didn't. O_o
  • blatant3, on 08/28/2008, -0/+15"This is a hell of a way to spend an Easter vacation"
  • nreynolds, on 08/28/2008, -0/+15way too ***** clever for a fake 5 year old.
  • Zemenar, on 08/28/2008, -0/+15My 5 year olds work at Cracked.
  • doctechnical, on 08/28/2008, -1/+15You would too if you'd been nailed to a cross.

    "Peter! I can see your house!"
  • mlvassallo, on 08/28/2008, -0/+13I don't think I know that news story... time to google it.
  • jorichter, on 08/28/2008, -0/+12Yeh that PART was great...?
  • EvilCan, on 08/28/2008, -0/+12fap fap fap?

    No?

    Ok...
  • BaoUnit, on 08/28/2008, -0/+12Bunker6, the winner of the contest, had two in the top #10.
  • thailand1972, on 08/28/2008, -0/+12They weren't drawn by 5 year olds.
  • anagoge, on 08/28/2008, -0/+12This was a triumph in scientific geekery.
  • ElectricKetchup, on 08/28/2008, -1/+12American Water Boarding was the best!
    I hope that we see that next summer Olympics!
  • maj0rm0j0, on 08/28/2008, -3/+14If your 5 year old knows what a "Hard-On" is in any way, then you need to reevaluate your parenting. Though, it is still quite amusing.
  • Vesci, on 08/28/2008, -0/+11I like the expressions on their faces, the guy on the left is genuinely worried and the guy on the right just accepts it.
  • DismantleRepair, on 08/29/2008, -1/+12………………….._,,-~’’’¯¯¯’’~-,,…………………………………………………………
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    …….,-‘’ ; _, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘’~-,,,,--~~’’’¯’’’~-,,_ , ,_,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘,…FIVE YEAR OLD
    ….,-‘’-~’’,-‘ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; | ; ; | . . . . . . ,’; ,’’¯ ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ,_ ; ‘-,…BONERS?!?!
    ……….,’ ; ;,-, ; ;, ; ; ;, ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ‘, ; ;’, . . . . .,’ ;,’ ; ; ; ;, ; ; ;,’-, ; ;,’ ‘’~--‘’’………
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  • Ramble, on 08/28/2008, -0/+11AND he shoots lightning.
  • dougbot, on 07/14/2009, -0/+11penis
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