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- zappo1776, on 10/11/2007, -7/+89"Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."
- zeblith, on 10/11/2007, -1/+81If it's a Bell Curve then the average IS the median, genius.
- KnightMareInc, on 10/11/2007, -1/+61Get on the plane. Get on the plane." I say, "***** you, I'm getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane! I'll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!"
- Fhionnlaoch, on 10/11/2007, -5/+63"You know what no one ever talks about anymore? Pussy farts."
- troublemaker, on 10/22/2007, -3/+58Not on the list, but my fav. Maybe not the funniest, but sure is food for thought:
"We have to declare war on everything. We have the war on crime, the war on poverty, the war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs.
But did you ever notice, we got no war on homelessness? You know why? There's no money in that problem! No money to be made off of the homeless. If you could find a solution to homelessness where the corporate swine and the politicians could steal a couple of million dollars each, you'd see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty god-damned quick, I'll guarantee you that!" - Thisco, on 10/11/2007, -0/+48To watch George Carlin’s shows:
Life Is Worth Losing: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7068677712290004125
What Am I Doing In New Jersey: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8522695233374950514
Jammin In New York: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7437159726169149103
Doing It Again: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9090164362227043326
You Are All Diseased: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8683046848311681223
On Campus: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3337098556772269799
Playing With Your Head: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3309200730990284186
Back To Town: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4430459531638940044
Complaints and Grievances: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7788172958854389750
On Location: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8008763286189481454
Again!: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1671245502509610507
At Carnegie: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=392850398301400235
And if you want to see more from other comedians check this site which is slowly but surely attempting to become a global stand up comedy portal: http://www.stuvi.com - Lixie, on 10/11/2007, -4/+50Crap. Now everybody's gonna know where I get all my best comments from...
- mykos, on 10/11/2007, -1/+45-------------------------
The safety lecture continues. "In the unlikely event of a water landing . . ." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN!? "
-------------------------- - psg188, on 10/11/2007, -23/+64Isn't that all religious people do? Tell you why your lack of religion is wrong?
Don't be a hypocrite. - bcasper1, on 10/11/2007, -40/+81@Akajl:
um atheism is not a religion, its a lack of one. so what are you talking about. I dont impose atheism on you, i just tell you why your religion is wrong. - ExSlashdotter, on 10/11/2007, -0/+39Yeah, and all of them on the same page nonetheless! 101 quotes? I was expecting to click through 52 pages of blogspam.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” - CraigK, on 10/11/2007, -0/+37"I never ***** a ten, but one night, I ***** five twos."
- svartgotik, on 10/11/2007, -2/+37Holy *****, actual Carlin quotes instead of sappy misattributed ***** people print out.
- Ratatoo, on 10/11/2007, -4/+37So relevant: "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."
Heh - icepick314, on 10/11/2007, -8/+40and soon to be included in 101 Greatest Carlos Mancia Quotes....
- converge, on 10/11/2007, -5/+36"Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason."
- raymore, on 10/11/2007, -1/+30ownt.
- sspooner, on 10/11/2007, -6/+34I hear the argument frequently "most people believe in god and most people cannot be wrong."
"most people" have been utterly wrong many times in history, heck, most people thought the world was flat until a few hundred years ago, and indeed some "scholars" still do.
A select few were brave enough to use science to understand the world was round.
Atheism is exactly this, a select few people willing to take responsibility for their own actions and attempt to understand the universe without bringing superstition and voodoo into play.
If you want to believe in some random deity, great, power to you, but take it off my money, take it out of my schools and take it out of my government.
- MrTea, on 10/22/2007, -2/+29My favorite was his rant about baby boomers
"...the baby boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people who's simple philosophy: 'GIMME THAT! IT'S MINE!'...these people were given everything, everything was handed to them, and they took it all, sold it all; sex, drugs, and rock and roll and they stayed loaded for 20 yrs and had free ride, but now they're staring down the barrel of the burnout, and they don't like it, they don't like it so they've become self-righteous, and they wanna make things hard for young people, they tell em abstane from sex, say no to drugs, as for Rock and Roll they sold that for television commercials a long time ago, so they an buy 'pasta machines', and 'stair masters', and 'soy bean futures'.
you know something, they're cold, bloodless people. It's in their slogan 'no pain, no gain', 'just do it', 'play it hard', '***** happends, deal with it', 'get a life!'. These people went from 'do your own thing!' to 'just say no!', they went from 'love is all you need' to 'whoever has the most toys, wins!', and they went from 'cocaine' to 'rogaine' and you know something, they're still counting grams, only now it's fat grams! and the worst of it is we have to watch the commercials on tv for levis loose fitting jeans and fat ass docker pants because these degenerate, yuppie, boomer ***** suckers couldn't keep their hands off the croissants and the 'Haägen Dasz' and their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat ass docker pants. ***** these yuppies, and ***** everybody now that I think of it" - jerrygofixit, on 10/11/2007, -2/+28"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?"
- nuclearpenguins, on 10/11/2007, -1/+27But you did comment. Stop lying!
- ViRaZ, on 10/11/2007, -4/+2971. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- handymansolo, on 10/11/2007, -5/+28My fave: "Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense! "
- Fighterspj, on 10/11/2007, -0/+23Haha my favorite
#101 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - snapcase, on 10/11/2007, -7/+29"Isn't that all religious people do? Tell you why your lack of religion is wrong?"
No that's not ALL they do. They also kill you for it. - inactive, on 10/11/2007, -3/+21Punctuation is your friend.
- casemon, on 10/11/2007, -1/+19....and he needs MONEY!"
gets me every time! - kaelyiesta, on 10/11/2007, -1/+18Actually Carlin would mind very much. Censorship is just one facet of his disgusts for those who believe words themselves matter more than the meaning they convey. It's just a small battle in the fight between the rational and the stupid ***** that think they should be able to tell others how to talk. So do george proud by not censoring yourself and instead telling all those who would try to control you to ***** off.
- xenoploid, on 10/11/2007, -1/+17"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
- sully213, on 10/11/2007, -1/+17Down the tubes -- hear that one a lot. People say, "Ah, the country is going down the tubes."
What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do they go? And how come there's more than one tube?
It would seem to me, one country, one tube. But is every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now? One tube is all you need. But a tube that big? Somebody would have seen it by now. "Hey Joey! Get a load of these *****' tubes!"
(actually, I think Ted Stevens has seen these tubes. ;) - SurrealDream, on 10/11/2007, -7/+22What a silly statement. He counted the number of sovereign rings on his hand, obviously.
http://images3.deviantart.com/i/2004/145/9/c/Jesus_Equal_Pimp_Adult_Swim.jpg - dattaway, on 10/11/2007, -1/+1555. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
- modifiedbears, on 10/11/2007, -2/+15"There's nothing funny about rape.....unless you're raping a clown." - George Carlin
- strom, on 10/11/2007, -1/+13my fave (not on the list):
"there are only two states an oven can possibly exist in, heated or unheated.... preheated is a meaningless f**k term" - Jobie, on 10/11/2007, -5/+16"You can’t argue with a good blowjob."
- casemon, on 10/11/2007, -0/+10haha... love that one. This one too...
"***** Brad and everyone who looks like Brad" - killerqueen, on 10/11/2007, -11/+21My favorite -- "What year did Jesus think it was?"
- Magillicutti, on 10/11/2007, -12/+22No comment
- raymore, on 10/11/2007, -2/+11"Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself." In Raymore's apartment.
It's ok, my ceiling is too low you guys. - bruenig, on 10/11/2007, -0/+9All good humor offends someone. I suppose you would rather he do an hour of puns? Those are about the only things that won't offend somebody.
- Universe, on 10/11/2007, -0/+8"***** Tucker, Tucker Sucks!"
- Anonymouz, on 10/11/2007, -0/+8Most excellent quotes RUFUS!
- endgame, on 10/11/2007, -0/+8There banning toy guns....And KEEPING THE ***** REAL ONES!!!
- hassanchop13, on 10/11/2007, -3/+10Nothing better than idiots who think they can get away with acting smart on the internet.
- encognito, on 10/11/2007, -0/+744. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievments on the back of our car.”
62. The planet is fine. The people are *****.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff. - alabamasucks, on 10/11/2007, -3/+10They didn't put up here, but George Carlin talking about how a "near miss" is the wrong termonology. Wouldn't a "near miss" mean that the two planes actually hit?!?! They nearly missed each other!
And the one about how if you mail something by plane it's called "cargo" and if you send via car it's called a "shipment"! - MatchStick, on 10/11/2007, -1/+7#50 should say "One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired."
- poondoggle, on 10/11/2007, -1/+7ok thanks for being a dick about it. I try to have a decent conversation with the guy and he takes a pretentious *****-biter tone with me.
- careerseeker101, on 10/11/2007, -1/+7The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- scottschiller, on 10/11/2007, -0/+6The whole rant on airplanes, and flying in the airplane is hilarious. Ranting about the pilot. "'Pilot', he's a F$*@&ing captain at best. Tell the 'Captain', Air Marshal Carlin says, go $@*& yourself!"
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