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75 Comments
- Rollic, on 11/11/2008, -1/+39Good one. I once worked for a company that constantly talked about "successes and variances." Why the hell couldn't we just call them failures?
- ThadeousMan, on 11/11/2008, -1/+33Being an employee who was "laid off" because the company I worked for "went out of business" I can "definitely relate"
- alphgeek, on 11/12/2008, -0/+29It's right up there with being sent on "indefinite unpaid leave to pursue other interests". I can't believe they pay HR ***** to dream up this *****.
- luca30, on 11/12/2008, -2/+22It's definitely troubling to see that it's possible for executives to make decisions and need to obscure their role in making them with such dehumanizing words. Though I understand the business necessity of making cuts sometimes, it would be nice to see that at least some account had been taken of the human impact.
- jstohler, on 11/12/2008, -0/+20PR people should resynergize their heads up their re-engineered asses.
- deadleaf, on 11/12/2008, -2/+18Creative use of words to make the employee feel retarded..
- Bullsnot, on 11/12/2008, -0/+15My company is about to enter another round of "Organizational restructuring" followed by "regional based headcount reductions" Which means = We finally got those 5 guys in India trained to do your job for half of what we are paying you.
- buckhouston, on 11/12/2008, -0/+13Good story, hopefully remain irrelevant to me though :)
- sockpuppets, on 11/12/2008, -1/+13I hope you took your "portable digg access device" to your "personal life structure" before you "let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
- Bloodwine, on 11/12/2008, -0/+11My last employer was a small tech firm with 10 employess. We were informal and communicated well, but one day the President hired some old college drinking buddy as our new VP, and this guy was full of business-babble *****.
Someone would say, "Hey, i'm overworked. Can we maybe hire someone to help share the workload?", and then the VP would turn around and say, "Ok, we need to allocate more resources. From a resource standpoint, I need you to develop some allocation criteria."
I can't believe that man still has a job. - mrseptic, on 11/12/2008, -0/+10SenorBabyMan es retardo.
- AdeleMor, on 11/12/2008, -3/+12 That "reengineering plan" is gonna come faster if we keep spending all day Digging, no?
- traveler1217, on 11/12/2008, -2/+11 Hey This is Finland were talking about. One of those Scandinavian euro-chic sophisticated countries that labels getting 'sacked', 'fired', or 'canned' as some sort of nebulous 'corporate, socio-economic restructural shift'.
- ohnoerino, on 11/12/2008, -1/+10Corporate-speak is the worst, especially in unfortunate conditions like job loss. The only upside? While it's incredibly laughable to listen to, it does make for hilarious inside jokes w/ fellow snarky co-workers :).
- Brettus, on 11/12/2008, -0/+8My work announced layoffs this week and they are calling it "involuntary seperation".
- bucketbeats, on 11/12/2008, -1/+9Who's coming with me! I said Who's coming with me.
- asgardshill, on 11/12/2008, -0/+7Buzzword Bingo Winner:
Headcount Streamlining - dshPls, on 11/12/2008, -0/+6Synergy is such a bastardized word.
- AmyVernon, on 11/12/2008, -0/+6Really? Successes and variances? Yeesh.
- Anim8tor, on 11/12/2008, -0/+6Why not cut to the chase? "You're sacked."
- AmyVernon, on 11/12/2008, -0/+6They use the same kind of corporate-speak here in the States. Other examples in the article:
"American Express CEO Kenneth Chenault's use of "reengineering plan" (7,000 layoffs) and Fidelity Investment's Rodger Lawson resorting to "cost improvement plans" (1,300 fired)." - ohplease, on 11/12/2008, -0/+6
Human Resources is where big companies put stupid people who haven't screwed up enough to be fired but are way too dangerously inept to have in charge of anything important.
This is the kind of crap they say in order to pretend that they do anything other than match resume qualifications to job postings. They do this in the hopes that they will continue to be paid more than the minimum wage rate their position justifies. - Bloodwine, on 11/12/2008, -0/+6"scraping the useless ***** off their hulls" only applies if they are getting rid of middle management
- fuxxx, on 11/12/2008, -1/+6It's called being diplomatic
People always say they want to be told straight up about these kinds of things, but the truth is if some massive company said they were "scraping the useless ***** off their hulls" (which is what they're doing) then there would be outrage. - psevium, on 11/12/2008, -0/+5And confusion if it was a shipping company
- crapuccino, on 11/12/2008, -0/+5That really is primo-level BS.
- sockpuppets, on 11/12/2008, -0/+5What if that's how you got the job to begin with?
- syncomm, on 11/12/2008, -0/+4I have a feeling a lot of people are going to be asked to read "Who Moved My Cheese?"
- cubicledrone, on 11/12/2008, -0/+4Because management is too irresponsible and too immature to employ adults. Simple as that. Layoffs are a failure of management. Laying off even one employee indicates an incompetent, directionless, poorly managed business. When you are in management your responsibility is to your people, and your employees are the most valuable group of people in your business.
If profits are not what you wanted them to be, tough. Nobody guaranteed you profits. - mikasaur, on 11/12/2008, -0/+4Because believe it or not, some people are stupid enough to be fooled by it.
- freeplatypus, on 11/12/2008, -0/+4Nokia is an international corporation. It has lost its European-only dimension long time ago.
- Dumbledorito, on 11/12/2008, -1/+5I always found "right-sizing" an offensive way of stating it. Not only can they not just say "fired," but it implies that while you worked there, you were making things "wrong."
- winstonsmith303, on 11/12/2008, -1/+4They use that terminology because they're ***** who are pussies and have no reason to stop being pussies and start being confrontational (or honest) because they have so much money.
- RudeTurnip, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3No, it's because God-forbid the precious snowflake executives feel any guilt about what they're doing. "Corporate" culture is one of cowardice.
- CloanLabs, on 11/12/2008, -1/+4This is completely beserk.
I think this is really the result of digital technology on the currency exchange and stock market, and CEO's and traders getting so used to being able to instantly "liquidate a position" that is "going south" REAL fast "with a mouseclick." "Habitforming." So "comfortable" are we now with this "instinctual" use of technology that we "intuitively apply it to" the corporate "headcount" in order to "streamline the program."
I suppose if we all just continue to "go with the flow," we will soon all find ourselves "up the creek without a paddle" in a "breadline." - AnarkeIncarnate, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3George Carlin is spinning in his grave right now.
- Jlaugh, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3I agree totally. Capitalism only works when management is competent and far thinking.
- rholland356, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3I hope that when you include that phrase on your resume, you will take the time to run your spellchecker.
- inactive, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3..and to empower the individual who is canning them for reasons they don't understand/can't control
- archiesteel, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3If I ever have my own company, one of the first items on the agenda will be the immediate and absolute prohibition of jargon. People use jargon when they want to sound more intelligent/competent than they really are.
- Leithal, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3I personally found "organizational right sizing" to be my favourite.... until Dec. 2000
when it was no fun to find out that my services were included on the "no longer core to business" list.
Ah, well.... that place was MBA... managed by ***** - slvrbullet87, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3I know how you feel i was told once to "GET THE ***** OUT YOU PIECE OF ***** YOUR FIRED!!!"
- Leithal, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3Buuzzword Bingo.... my favourite game of 2000.
- MattZed, on 11/13/2008, -0/+3My fired?
- uncltim, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3Spin for the win!!
- Jlaugh, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3No sorry some terms are just industry specific and describe specialized things. If you don't understand the jargon ask for clarification.
- inactive, on 11/12/2008, -0/+3That's one of the most douchey ways of saying layoffs I've ever heard.
- oldgal, on 11/13/2008, -0/+2Back in 2003, Deloit found they could get more contracts and improve the business by substituting real English for Corporate-Speak. They developed a gadget for Microsoft Word and PowerPoint that will Identify Bulls__t words and provide English equivalents. It also gives an entertaining explanation of why the flagged term is bull. It is a free download from: http://www.fightthebull.com/bullfighter.asp
It works much like spell check and even allows you to grade an email you have received and send an anonymous return email with the bulls__t annotations and score. - cubicledrone, on 11/12/2008, -0/+2Time for a national tarriff on any salary paid outside the U.S. equal to the difference between the market rate for the job less the actual salary or $100,000 whichever is greater.
Also, there are no deductions for this tarriff. It is to be paid in cash in full and in advance of any other tax calculations. It also cannot be discharged in a bankruptcy. The total amount collected from this tarriff will be equally divided among all taxpayers in the form of a direct credit.
Once the level playing field has been restored, let's see which group of employees is actually more productive. -
Show 51 - 78 of 78 discussions
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